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Keeps spinning when I reply 🙁
I cant reply!
There’s little point having the talk while he’s using, in fact its dangerous. So Just take some time out for yourself.
Him asking how you are and what you’re up to, is just his guilt, it makes the user incredibly selfish. (what other drug would reduce all inhibitions and morals to let users think it was fine to cheat).
He knows what he’s doing is wrong to you, but wants to keep you dangling on the end of the phone for when he wants you.
You should be his priority, I know this now x
Centralscot,
I’ve been there, with the analyzing. I actually think my husband had some cocaine induced psychosis. It was just utterly crazy looking back on it now. Wanting to see phone bills, looking at computer data, looking on my phone inside hidden data files because someone told him they existed, the list goes on.
And heres the reality. He had been cheating on me, with a few women over the course of a few years. Actually someone once tried to tell me, so I asked him and of course he denied it, and then he was very angry that someone had dared to not cover up his affair. This was a long time ago. And i’m not saying that your partner is cheating, but they say that people who dont trust, cant be trusted, and I think that sums it up pretty well.
If you are strong enough, get out while you’re not damaged. I’m coming to realise that I’m really damaged, I’ve lost my identity.
Sending love x
Centralscot,
We could all be writing the same posts. There are so many similarities.
One of my friends recently said to me ‘you have become desensitised to reality’ and she is right. I talked openly matter of fact about the fact of how my husband acts and was treating me, like its normal, even though deep deep down I must know its not.
B8988 mentioned to me about codependency and how we change and become codependent on them. Thats where I am, and sounds like thats where you are.
Around Christmas I said to myself, just live your life, let him let on with messing his up, theres nothing you can do about it….. thats easier said than done, because the sick feelings, the wrenching in your gut when they dont come home, the lies….. you can’t just shrug them off. Even now my husband is clean and has been for 5 months I’m no different. I recently booked to take the kids away for a couple of days to a theme park, and them whole time I was there I was a nervous wreck, worrying about him, worrying he’d fallen off the wagon, worrying when his phone was flat because I thought he might have died…. what a joke, it was meant to be a nice short break and some fun for the kids. But i’m too screwed up, or thats how it feels.
You aren’t alone in your feelings xx
Helpless,
My husband has a hole in his nose too, without being graphic he was blowing chunks out for weeks after he eventually stopped the coke. Thankfully its not right through to the otherside, but its pretty bad, and would have only got worse.
My husband also used to tell me that he wouldnt be controlled. Frankly I think thats the coke talking, as we as partners just want them to stop, so try to work out ways to avoid them doing it. Thing is, all that creates is resentment. Its like telling a kid they can’t do something, they then just want to. Like Danman says, he has to want to stop, and there isnt a thing you can do about it if he’s not at that stage. I’m not talking about a remorseful guilty moment, I’m talking about truly wanting to not be a slave to it.
Coke is about the worst psychologically addictive drug out there, you dont get the physical withdrawal like alcohol or heroin, but dont underestimate its power to keep an addict pulled in.
Hope your partner sees the light and realises the only person thats winning here is his dealer.
Sending hugs x
Hi ladies,
Sorry I’ve been out of the loop on this thread as I was away this weekend. Only at a family festival in Hampshire, but still its the first time we’ve been away together with our daughter in years.
I hope everyone is ok. B8988 I’ve been looking up about co-dependency and I definitely am! My happiness hinges on him every moment of every day, and I know that isn’t any way to live. I constantly worry about what he’s doing, how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking…. I literally never consider myself and my own feelings.
I think a lot of my issues stem from his cocaine use, as learned experience has taught me how to be around him, and now that he isnt using I still am the same way. I don’t speak my mind, I always think ‘how will he react’ before I open my mouth. I dont quite know how to break that cycle though.
xx
Hi Lost1835,
When you know, you know. I’ve been there many times. My husband was even using diazepam to hide his cocaine use (badly I might add), as I still knew.
You can get test strips from amazon for about a fiver, dip it in the loo after he’s been, actually I even dipped one in the standing water in the shower after he’d been in it, its very sensitive. Thats if you’re too scared to ask him to do a test. At least with the information you can confront it without questioning your own judgement.
Hugs xx
Hi Jacjacjac.
Good to hear from you.
I get the fight or flight mode thing, its like auto pilot, you become obsessed don’t you. But the reality is that we are powerless, nothing we can say will make any difference when coke has its hold. My husband has his own money and I dont control it, and tbh its not that we dont have money to live, which somehow is worse, because it enables him to do it. I actually think even if I could control his money (which i can’t as he has his own business) he would still find a way to get it, when its got a hold.
Do you know for sure he’s not doing it any other time? There were times when I wouldn’t have known, but I got some tests from amazon and tested him, every time I thought it, I was right, he was using every day at that point.
If your husband can stop for 3 months and just binge, is that an addict, or does he have limited self control? I dread invites to social events because I know that a drink will lead to that. At present hes not drinking either as he knows there is a correlation, at least to him. Like you I don’t go out anymore. I am meant to travel occasionally with work, but I put that off unless I absolutely can’t avoid it. In December I drove 250 miles, attended an event I had organised, and drove back 250 miles, got home at 3am, just so I didnt have to worry about him driving our daughter to school the next morning……
When your husband is off this latest binge/come down, talk to him, tell him how you feel. The problem is that they carry on doing this because the thrill at the time outweighs the consequences. He knows you’ll still be there, he’ll be able to talk you around, he’ll say sorry and you have to forget it. You have to think of it like dealing with a child, dont make threats you wont carry through.
I have considered breaking free, but havent because I know hes a good person without coke, I wouldnt want to be the reason he self destructs, I wouldnt want to have to explain to our daughter or family members why I dont want him to have her on his own… its all about them isn’t it – we dont think about ourselves.
How long was he gone for this time? and is he back? Just worrying about how you are dealing with it xx
How are you today Jacjacjac?
I feel for you with such empathy, you truly are living my life. Its almost comforting to be able to talk to people who relate to me. I talk to friends, and they all say, just leave him, what are you doing staying. But its not that easy is it.
I’m in a good place right now, but its raw and I wont forget the pain ever I dont think. its not like a bruise that will get better, its ingrained in my head, the difference in the way he speaks, the delayed responses because he’s trying to work out what lie to tell, the excuses as to why his phone has died, the sniffing, the pupils. Its a sad world xx
Thanks 🙂 I will look into that. I know that part is my problem, not him and I can’t control him, neither do I want to. I just want a mutually respectful relationship.
I bought the book, Hope Street by Amanda Andruzzi, that was an eye opener too. Although I feel like i dont have an ounce of confidence left. So its hard to be different. Just praying that this is the changing point. I know i’ve been here before, but I have to tell myself at some point when he stops it’ll be for good. xx
Slightly different because my husband wouldnt come on holiday, but when I did go I got abuse by phone every day, he was angry, upset, making accusations. So I totally get you there.
I now panic and have anxiety every time I have to go anywhere, if he doesnt reply to my texts I think the worst, I feel sick the whole time i’m away. I want to go and do things, but then I wish I hadn’t bothered, because the anxiety is crippling.
I love my husband too, I cannot go through it again either. But if it happens I bet we will, because we will hang onto this current time, and be wishing that time back again. xx
My husband went to hypnosis, but was still on coke daily, so it was pointless.
How are things today? Been thinking about you x
I hope he stays clean honey. 5 kids, wow, you have your hands full.
My husband also told a woman that we had split up and that he had moved out at one point. He hadnt, we hadnt. I was on holiday with the children on my own because he doesnt do holidays. It was all the coke.
There are so many common themes, and having read a few of these posts, it seems mostly men that get addicted to coke, i’d love to understand why, maybe their brains are wired differently.
I don’t think there is always a reason, although of the people I know of that have a problem with it (around him) they all have depression, i dont know which came first, the depression or the coke use, but I think its a bit of a vicious circle. My husband had a good childhood, his parents are still happily married and his siblings are not addicts of any description.
I think there needs to be more education about this awful drug. Because its a behaviour altering substance, that causes so much misery.
Sending positive thoughts to all the partners of addicts x
Hi Bellagirl,
I wouldn’t say that he’ll never change, because he’s young and he could. But do you really want to be on the recieving end of his benders, worried to death where he is, then dealing with the sadness that follows. It sounds like he’s just dabbling, but coke is a sly drug and it pulls you in and before you know it you’re an addict, and you dont know when that will happen.
Would he be happy if it was the other way around and it was you?
Don’t get to the point I was, where it was all consuming, my husbands addiction broke me. I’m not the person I used to be. I just wouldnt want anyone to go through what I have. You are not alone, just remember that. And also remember, this is his journey and his choice at the moment, and if it upsets you then you don’t have to travel with him.
Sending love xx