[ash2013]

You said this:

If I try to confront him or discuss the problem he gets hostile and deflects the conversation to talk about something trivial that I have done or minimises the problem.

Exactly the same as I went through. Deflection/gas lighting I believe this is called.

I was accused of having affairs with my boss, then one of his friends…. but the flip side reality was that he was seeing someone, so in his head I must have been too.

The thought of having an affair and adding to my lifes drama was about as far from my mind as it could have ever been! I didn’t have the energy to deal with daily tasks, let alone have any inclination to play away!

[ash2013]

I feel exactly the same B8988.

I cling on to the good times, and I know I did that during the bad times. Not sure that helped. None of my family or his knew about the addiction either, so it was all on my shoulders. I work full time and I was basically a single parent, but worse as I had all the angst. I couldnt leave our daughter with him because I was scared he would do it with her in the house, I couldnt even ask him to collect her from childcare because I dont think he’d have thought twice about driving high. He was also taking diazepam in an effort to hide it from me, except I knew, I always knew and then I knew he was taking something to come down.

I’ve been with him 15 years, 11 years married. He did it occasionally in the past, but it got more regular, then 7 years ago he saw a dr, who he respected, and opened up to. He was put on anti depressants, and for a couple of years he was clean (at that time I fell pregnant) then over the last 5 years its been a rollercoaster. I’m ashamed to say that at points I have been scared of him, too frightened to ask where he’s been for fear of a blow up or the silent treatment. Its turned me into a shell. I’m getting better, but I’m still nervous to not say the wrong thing, even though he’s clean. Old habits die hard so they say.

I could do with seeing a counsellor, would you recommend a particular search criteria?x

[ash2013]

Hi Jacjacjac,

You sound just like me and my situation.

I dont have advice, because I dealt with my situation badly, or at least it felt like I did. My husband is now 4 months clean and its like living with a different person, life is pleasant and calm. No more wondering where he is, what he’s doing, endless paranoia, panic attacks, that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach thinking what the hell am I going to do….. I suspect one reason you stay is because you know theres a good person in there, two – he’s the father of your children, three – you dont want to be the reason he self destructs, am I close to the mark?

How did he stop? Well I dont know really, he went out one night, didnt come home (regular occurance) I had been awake since 3am thinking the worst. He strolls in at 7am and I just break down. He sees that i’m not angry, i’m broken. Lightbulb came on and he stopped. HOWEVER, I do feel like i’ve been here before and i’m on tenterhooks thinking he’ll relapse.

I hate the drug, I hate his ‘so-called mates’ who hang off him when he’s using, but don’t actually care about him at all, I hate the fact that I’ve had to live with this on and off for the best part of 10 years (worst in the last 3). I feel angry with occasional users who don’t see the destruction it creates in family homes. I want stricter laws around it, I want to grass any dealer and user I know of to the police, its all consuming.

Theres a great song by Bliss n Eso, called Devil on my shoulder. Its worth a listen, I think its about someone with a drink problem, but it resonated with my husband.

Thinking of you, you’re not alone x

[ash2013]

Hi Bellagirl,

I have been in your shoes, and if I was you, I would leave and live your life. Sadly users underestimate the effects of what they are doing on the people close to them.

I am married, and have a child with a recovering cocaine addict. The ONLY reason I didnt leave was because of our child, and the hope that at some point he would change. He has, but for how long, I dont know.

I also have an 18 year old from a previous relationship, and if I was talking to her (I presume you are quite young) I would tell her to get the hell out of it.

Cocaine creates paranoia, and they become so detached from reality that they actually believe they are right and everyone else is wrong. The reality is that because he’s probably lying to you about his ‘problem’ that you must be lying to him too.

Take care, and I’m here if you want to talk x

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