Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I thought the same Faith! They are and he will be annoyed that he probably did some when working away, thought it wouldn’t show by Saturday…. but boom, it did. Then he’s annoyed, and deflecting that mood onto Debbie.
Debbie, I would explain that you know the tests will show after a period of time, so you’ll be happy when he does a test that is clean, and then it remains clean whenever he is tested.
If he doesn’t accept that, then he isnt ready to stop, IMO
xx
I’d take a guess that he didn’t do it, especially if the guys he was with don’t do it. So he probably thought he would be clean, but like I’ve said before, it took my husband 2-3 weeks to get a totally clear test, so a faint line could indicate use in the last week or so, but possibly longer, until he gets a clear test, and it remains that way, there is no telling really. xx
Hi Debbie,
God this sounds so familiar, so he may have thought that not doing it for a few days would mean is test would be clear, I mean, why would he offer to do one if he thought he’d fail it! What day did he suggest you test him? Friday before he went out, or Saturday after he’d been out? Its possible he didnt do it and the feinter line was from past use, but he also may have only dont a small amount and maybe thought it wouldn’t show! Or maybe was bluffing you and thought you wouldn’t say, ok lets take a test then.
Alcohol is definitely a trigger to wanting it for some people, it was for my husband, and he doesn’t drink at all now.
If he appeared very drunk he probably hadn’t done any, coke straightens you out if you are drunk, I’ve seen my husband 6 beers, a bottle of wine, and half a dozen whiskeys not appear in the slightest bit drunk when he’s done coke at the same time! xx
Are you going abroad Debbie? So he can’t take any with him I mean 🙂 xx
Faith, you put it all so well.
I think this really comes down to, can you deal with being married to someone who takes drugs, because really thats all there is to think about.
I’m not about to tell you what to do, because I didnt listen to my closest friends because I thought I knew best. BUT, if I didnt have a child with mine, I would have left him long ago, because we’ve been married 14 years, together 17, our child is 10, and for at least 50% of the time we’ve been together, it was rubbish, and for 10% of it, it was truly awful, looking back now I wonder if I should have had my head read, manipulation was off the scale, lies were daily, outbursts, accusations, belittling, treading on eggshells.
I still now, think deeply before I speak because I’ve learned how to engage differently in response to his past reactions to situations. I don’t need to, but its ingrained now. Certain clothes he wears triggers my brain to remembering certain moments, certain places bring back memories, its not a great situation to be in.
I dont know how he treats you generally, i mean when you are doing what he wants and not asking questions, probably ok right…. So can you put up with living like that, and also thinking that it could get worse as he doesnt think he has a problem.
I wish you strength too Debbie x
Hey Debbie,
Well done for having the chat, it was very brave of you.
I’ll be frank, from what you’ve written, he is absolutely taking the mickey. From what you have said, I think he is playing down his use of coke. He thinks that if he says you can test him anytime that you probably wont, or if you do he’ll have an excuse and he can get away with it.
I’m trying to work out why he told you he took a photo of your bank accounts, sometimes addicts double bluff you by admitting they’ve done something, but then using it to justify the craziness to themselves. Like, ‘you want to know what i’m doing, well I know what you’ve got’. This all rings alarm bells to me, he says he thinks you think he’s a gold digger, well as you have money and he doesn’t he probably is!!
He seems to be walking all over you. He wont promise to stop, but he will tell you when he does it…. what is that for? To ease his guilty conscience? I promise you, he wont tell you every time he does it, and if you catch him out he’ll have accidentally forgot because it was only a tiny bit or whatever.
Oh Debbie, I wish I knew how to fix this for you, but I think you need to be a bit selfish here, and think about yourself, and your confidence, and your life xx
Hi Debbie,
How are you doing? I hope you are ok xx
Hi Debbie,
I hate to say, but I dont think you bringing it up will achieve anything.
Maybe you need to just tell him what your worries/concerns are, and explain why you can’t live this way. He either gets it, or he doesnt, and if he doesnt then thats disrespectful to you, as his wife. I’m sure he will play it down, but if its a problem for you, then its a problem.
You are going about everything the right way, in terms of being non confrontational, not losing it, remaining calm, but he is taking the p…. and you didn’t sign up for this.
x
Thanks Dan 🙂
Totally agree with what Faith has said with her 3 points, and I can even relate to the third too, I too was suicidal because I could not see any way out. I ended up in hospital after a feeble attempt at an overdose, and while I was led on the lounge carpet, he was snorting cocaine in the kitchen, and saying ‘what did you do that for, you’ve f**ked it now’
Until he is ready to sort himself out, there is nothing you can do. xx
The book is called Hope Street, by Amanda Andruzzi x
Debbie, I’m sat here now thinking back and I’m being reminded of all the pain I went through, which you are now going through, I feel so sad, angry, upset and annoyed that yet again, someone else, someone kind, someone good, is having to deal with this crap hand they;ve been dealt, all because of cocaine.
You spend all your time playing things over and over again in your head. You dont understand whats wrong with you, you blame yourself. Don’t… stop doing that, none of this is your fault! Its easy for me to say this now, but when you are where you are you can’t see a way out.
I know you love him, but you need to love yourself, and YOU deserve to be happy in your life.
Harsh as it sounds, he is having his cake and eating it. There is such a thing as co-dependency in relationships with addicts. There is a lady called Amanda something, who wrote a book about it, which I read and now can’t find. I’m going to look for it because it may make more sense of what you are feeling x
Hi Debbie,
I dont think he has any intention of stopping, if he’s doing it with his son, then he sees no harm in it, and until he sees the harm he wont face it.
You have done all you can to suggest you talk before his kids arrive, but he doesnt want to do that, they never want to talk, because he wants to carry on doing coke, and you dont want him to, there is no compromise to be had.
Its just about damage limitation, you need to protect yourself, if he’s not willing to deal with the elephant in the room, you shouldnt be expected to live with it either xx
.
Hey Danman, sorry to hijak this thread, is there any chance you could pop over to the ‘My husband and cocaine’ post, at the end. I’ve been trying to offer some words of widsom to Debbie, and I think you will be better placed to see what is happening from her posts. Thanks so much!!