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Oh Debbie, đ Its a tactic addicts use. I copied these from the net re gaslighting and addiction.
‘Gaslighting is common in addiction because it allows the person to continue their behaviours without having constant resistance from loved ones. Loved ones may not realise they are being gaslighted until later on, thus causing further strain and hurt in the relationship. The signs and symptoms of gaslighting may be gradual at first and become more apparent over time. If a person with a drug addiction may hide their pill bottles or sneak away to take drugs. They may make excuses for their actions. When you confront them, they might make you believe that youâre either overreacting or confused. As the gaslighting victim becomes more confused, they may unknowingly become more accepting of the addictâs behaviour. Enabling an addict becomes easier when youâre convinced that theyâre being honest about their behaviour, which can lead to even bigger problems.’
I don’t think he will tell you the cold hard truth, he will only ever admit to what you have evidence of. The little coke devil on his shoulder will be sat there saying ‘she wants us to break up, you need me, get out of this however you can, lie, create distance, make her think its all her fault that she’s pushing you away’
Someone who is a recovering addict will know better than me what is going on in their head, I wish Danman would join this thread, he’ll be a great help! I’ll find him on another chat and see if he can offer some assistance.
Keep smiling, dont let anyone dull your sparkle xx
Hi Debbie,
I hope you are ok sweetheart – well I know you wont really be. I hate to say this, and please someone else chirp in! But I think he is in total denial, and he actually expects you to be ok with him lying about something like this.
His reaction is deflection, instead of facing up to the issue, his response is to take himself away from you, to punish you and to put the blame back to you for daring to suggest you discuss anything! because you shouldn’t be telling him what to do or not do (in his eyes). Its gaslighting, pure and simple – google it! I had it with mine, they punish you by deflecting their own screw ups!
Huge hugs x
Hi Kire,
Firstly welcome, and secondly sorry you are here.
I’ve read your post, and the first thing that jumped out at me was the admission from him that he has a problem and that he wants to sort it. That is a massive step in the right direction. Lots of people end up on here with partners in denial, or running away rather than face the problem. So you are in a good position.
Now, my husband didnt use CA or anything, but I can see how that would help a lot of people. Lockdown helped in our situation, he changed his friendship group, he stopped drinking, he started seeing what life was like without being a slave to cocaine, getting it, hiding it, using it, recovering from it, it was a circle!
If he isnt the sort of person who will go to CA to seek help, then he needs to be honest with you, all out in the open, everything warts and all. You can help him by not keeping on about it, but by starting to see the real man come back. He will likely need to change friends, and start to spend more time at home. Keep him well fed with a good diet, sleep is important to recovery too. I did test my husband with his permission as he had nothing to hide every couple of days, it took about 2 weeks to get a negative test because he was using most days, so it had built up in his system.
I echo what Faith says though, this makes you a different person, I too am suffering with PTSD, anxiety etc. I dont really go out, actually, I do in the day, but nights I dont because thats when the problems were. Its a psychological disaster!
We are here to help however we can x
Hi,
I didnt want to read and run, I’ve been where you are, and thankfully my husband is now 2 years clean, but I totally relate.
I used to say ‘if the day ended in a Y it would be a reason’, I’m also sure many of his mates had about 7 birthdays a year…. theres always a reason, an excuse and a justification, as much for themselves. My husband didnt have an off when it came to drink, he does not drink at all now either, I dont think he had a drink problem as such, but the two went together for him.
Dan is a great person to talk to, because I’ve only been in your position, not the addicts.
Only you know if you can live with it, after many years of it, I couldn’t but mine cheated on me when he was on it too, he was horrible to live with because he didnt really want to be at home, because I was the enemy and Coke was his friend.
I dreaded social invites, and would be thinking, what would it be like to be with someone who just had a few beers, had a laugh and called it a night…..
You arent alone x
Oh bless you, its the elephant in the room isnt it!!
Has he moved back? xx
Hi Debbie,
How did the meeting/talks go? Just checking in to see if you are ok really x
I wish Debbie the best of luck, sheâs armed with things to look out for, how to respond etc.
FNF – I can totally relate. Whilst I have my clean husband back, Iâm damaged. I canât forget what I lived through. Iâm honestly far better off now that I was 3 years ago, thatâs for sure. But the scars are still there, the worry about relapse is real, my brain is constantly thinking about how to avoid social gatherings. I often have family over for lunch, because I feel thereâs less expectation to drink alcohol, everything I do I think/worry about it. I think itâs borderline ptsd, certain things trigger certain thoughts and Iâm highly anxious.
I would hope that because Debbie hasnât had to live through too many years of this, that she may not have the same long term effects?
Enjoy Spain Faith, and weâll be thinking of you this weekend Debbie xx
Good luck sweetheart.
I donât know if he has mental health issues, but my husband does and we went to the doctors, he was honest with him, I supported him with that, it helps if the doctor is specialised in mental health, he saw two others before he found one that he could actually talk to. It may be worth suggesting if thatâs the root cause to needing to use coke.
The problem with cocaine is that people donât appreciate how it reels you in. It starts off as a bit of fun, then one day you need it to feel normal, it doesnât even make you feel âgoodâ anymore and thatâs when youâve crossed the line into addiction. Addicts are constantly chasing how it used to make them feel, and then they need more or more frequency⊠itâs a circle you just go round and round. Itâs only when you stop and recover you can see what life is like without it.
Sending love x
Hi Debbie,
I think you need to steer the conversation towards concern rather than accusing, he can play it down all he likes, the fact is that if he has to hide something from you then he shouldnât be doing it right? He may not have a massive addiction problem, he may not be doing it every day, but itâs a problem for you, and you are married, therefore he has a problem.
If you can explain why is upsets you, the money, the hiding, the lies, the health concerns, the distance itâs creating between you two, he must respect your personal point of view. I felt like I was single most of the time, the connection breaks, I donât know if you feel the same?
Stay strong, stay safe, tell him how much you want to save this, youâll support him, allow him to take back control of his life etc.
Good luck xx
Hi Debbie,
Unfortunately unless you are living it, you have no idea. You can’t forget the man you fell in love with, thats a personal feeling, and everyone else won’t feel that, so whilst they are thinking rationally and logically, its not their life.
I would hang on to the good times. Its like a child who has an absent parent, and they hang off every small moment they have with that person because they’re often apart from them. Its not the same, but its the analogy I used to think about. Because if any of my friends were going through what I was, then I’d be telling them the same as they’re telling us right. All they see is the pain you are in, and their answer is simple. Except its far from that.
I’m slowly rebuilding my trust with my husband in my own head. Its taken a while, but I can see I have the man I love back again, and cocaine is like the ‘other woman’, the enemy in this story.
Have you heard from your husband? I know he’s ashamed, but only he can fix this, and you can support him, if thats what you want then you can offer that, with boundaries.
xx
Faith has some excellent advice here, its refreshing to read we are all in a very similar boat, even though its very sad.
My husband would never tell his parents, and if I had told them he would have probably done something stupid.
I never told my parents either, mainly because my dad had a dim view of him already, because he could see how absent he was, and I spent so long making excuses and covering up. My dad would wonder why I was mowing the grass at 9 months pregnant, why I had to get him to put curtain poles up, why wasnt my husband doing these things – because his head was buried in avoiding me because he wanted to do coke! And I thought that one I had told them, I could never untell them, and if my husband did sort himself out then how would that work, because they would never be able to look at him the same way.
I had a couple of close friends who knew it all, but thats it. And I think even they got fed up because they felt helpless and I didnt really listen to what they advised, because they didn’t really understand what I was living in. Until you’ve lived it, you have no idea.
Sending love x
Hi Debbie,
No he didnt attend any meetings, hes not really very good at talking or listening in fact! No online meetings.
He said it was VERY hard for the first few months, then hard for a few more months, He started to see what life was like without it having a hold of him, he was either thinking about doing it, getting it, hanging around with like minded people who were not true friends, doing it, or recovering from doing it…. or thats how it felt!
He was using most days at work and in the evening if he was out, and he would often find a reason to be out trust me! I don’t know how much, mostly not huge volumes, but then some nights it was more I guess.
He hasnt drunk alcohol since he stopped, its a trigger, lowers his guard, and generally the two went hand in hand. Lockdown helped him stop partly. He has a hole in his septum, and I think thats what made him stop really, because he could afford it, and thats also why he had a lot of hangers on around him.
What extent do you think your husband’s problem is?
xx
Hi Debbie,
I know you replied to Faith, but thought Iâd chip in too if thatâs ok.
My husband stopped on his own, he didnât go to any groups or anything.
He has totally changed his friendship group and the ones that still do coke that heâs still in touch with know that heâs not in that place anymore and respect him enough to either distance him, or only see him when theyâre sober etc. x
Heâs clean since December 2019, praying it stays that way too. With every bone in my body xx
Hi Georgia,
Reading your reply just brought it all back to me, I’m so sad that anyone has to go through the rollercoaster of life that is with a coke addict.
Everything from the clock watching, checking his car, looking in his pockets, testing him in secret, sitting up until god know what time waiting for him to come home, getting texts at 1am saying ‘I’m getting a taxi now’ never to turn up at home, then when they do come home you’re over reacting every time you make any reference to their absence, tip toeing around them when they’re sleeping most of the day, basically being a single parent but this pain thrown at you all the time, its such an awful existence.
My child aged 2, saw her dad throwing things around the house because he was convinced I was cheating, but in fact he was, with someone who did coke and accepted it, unlike me. He was obsessed, it was like he did actually believe his messed up thought process. It wasnt even like deflection, he actually thought it, and I would never have cheated, christ, I didnt have the energy and it was the last thing from my mind.
I’m not going to tell you to end it, but if I had my time again, I’d wouldn’t have stuck around. You only get one life darling, and YOU deserve to live it, and not just exist.
Take care of yourself xx
Hi, I didnt want to read and run, because you have been so brave posting!
There are people on here better placed to answer, rather than partners of addicts (my husband was a coke addict) But it is possible to stop, with support of your family, a change in lifestyle and determination.
My husband is late 40’s and used for about 20 years on and off, mostly on, started socially then got a grip on him. He was also using diazepam, so and upper and a downer, along with alcohol, which is a trigger. I can’t tell you why he stopped really, I’d like to think it was because of how he could see it affecting those around him, but its more likely to be the fact his nose was/is damaged and if it collapsed, his parents would know what he’d been doing.
There is a Bliss and Eso song called Devil on my shoulder, my husband listened to it a lot in the early days of recovery. You need to keep yourself busy with clean friends, avoid alcohol, eat well etc. Do you have a good support network?