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Hi Georgia,
I’m so sorry you are back, I’ve been in a similar boat myself with my husband, thankfully he’s now over 2 years clean from alcohol and Coke, but he’s stopped before for months and started again.
My life now is so different to before, don’t get me wrong, I still avoid social events because I worry about alcohol being around, I think I have PTSD because of it, my anxiety is through the roof sometimes for no good reason really, something silly will trigger me off thinking hes back using, and I can’t think of anything else.
I’m assuming you are in your 20’s, I know you have a baby, but if I had my time again, I would not have put up with it for as long as I did. It destroys you as a person, i’m not me anymore. I dont do what I want anymore, because all I do is worry that if I’m not around for a night or 2 he’ll relapse.
Don’t get me wrong, life is good now, really good. But years and years of it being crap will take its toll on you mentally, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I’m not about to tell you what to do, because I didnt listen to my friends! But I should have, you only have one life, and why should you be living like this because someone isn’t strong enough to sort out his priorities. And its not even about that, its about the person they become, liars, cheats, rude. You staying awake waiting for him to come home, but he doesnt, you are putting your life on hold while he does what he wants.
You wont be able to fix him, I know that now. It took my husband 20 years to have a lightbulb moment and stop (hopefully forever!) physically he had damage inside his nose, mentally he was a mess. He can see what its doing to other people now he’s not living it…
I hope you are ok, sending love x
Sorry – It posted 3x!!
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If your husband is anything like mine was, he was pretty clever, and wouldn’t text very much, because he didnt want anything in ‘writing’ Or would text nicely, and be a d1ck on the phone.
You are vulnerable Debbie, like Faithnotfear says, can you have someone with you when he calls that knows what you are going through?
xx
Its not about them caring more about coke than their loved ones. So don’t put yourself down on that one. Think of it like having a little devil on your shoulder 24/7 telling you to do it, ‘one more line, you’ll get away with it, she won’t notice, you want me, you know you do’ Thats how my husband described it to me.
Coke takes over your brain, it is more psychologically addictive than heroin, people who start using it for a bit of fun, have NO idea what it could lead to.
Never think that you weren’t enough, its not about that, its about the power coke has on an addict x
Oh Debbie, I’m so sad, why can’t they all just wake up and realise there is so much more to life than being a slave to this drug, because that is what they are.
Aside from the devastation they reek for their nearest and dearest, they are fooling themselves that this is a good path to travel along.
You have done more than many in your position, followed through with an ultimatum. You should be proud of that. Go and live your life, be happy, don’t look back, you can’t say you didn’t try.
Sending huge love x
Hi Debbie,
Its hard to understand why he’s being like he is, but I would think that his little devil that wants him to use again is either goading him to spoil for a fight, that’ll be an excuse to use. Or he’s simply struggling, so maybe his problem was worse than you thought? Personally I don’t remember my husband being like that when he was coming off of it, but everyones experience will be different.
When you say you’re testing him, were his tests still positive for a few days? My husbands were for about 2 weeks, but after a week the line was feinter, and feinter every day until it disappeared.
I’m not suggesting he’s cheating the tests, but is that possible?
x
Hi JoPack,
Welcome. To be honest with you, he may have a coke problem, but it sounds to me like the physical attributes you mention are more like that of an alcohol problem.
Cocaine can make people make really poor life choices, and act like total a–holes, but I’ve not heard of any of the physical symptoms you mention.
I’m so sorry any of this is happening to you. You made a mistake, owned up and both decided to stay together. Which means he should have worked past that. But it sounds like he possibly hasnt?
If he is on coke, then getting through to him and making him see what you are saying will fall on deaf ears. He may be too ashamed to admit anything to you, so he’s running away, but it sounds like she may be like him, in which case they migrate to people who have made the same choices as them, to escape reality.
I hope you stay strong, and maybe take a step back for your own sanity xx
How long ago did you find out? Its like your world has crashed around you isnt it.
One saving grace is that as soon as you found out he’s made a commitment to you, many people (including me) live on a rollercoaster for years not really knowing what the problem is, then knowing and trying to fix it, then thinking you are going mad because he’s changed and you dont want to believe he’s back on it, but deep down you know.
It is highly addictive, moreso psychologically addictive than what I would think were the worst drugs like heroin or meth. Coke is a sly drug, people can use it every now and then and carry on with life, never doing it one day and not being an addict, but for others, they cross the wall to addiction. I suppose its like being a social drinker, then an alcoholic, not everyone that drinks alcohol becomes an alcoholic, in the same way that not everyone who uses coke becomes addicted. But sadly I hear about it happening more and more these days. 🙁
My husband is 2 years clean now, of alcohol and cocaine, he’s doing amazing. I’m sure theres a niggle saying I could do it one night and i’d be ok…. but he wouldn’t. Once you’ve crossed the wall and become an addict, you’ll never go back to being able to do it once a year. xx
He is likely in a spiral of self loathing and depression, but he can get out of it. The best way to approach it is calmly and in an understanding way. As much as you want to shake him and shout and scream, don’t bother, it wont go in.
The sadness is probably the guilt and also coming off it, its a pretty crap mental state to be in.
If you think he can stop and you still want to be with him then you have to support him, and not keep dragging up his behaviour, because he can’t do anything about that now, all he can do is be a better person again, free of coke and to start living. He is probably also thinking about all the money he has wasted, its not a cheap addiction to have.
I dont know how coke affects diabetics. My husband was using coke and vallium to come down in a pointless effort to hide it from me, so he had two addictions to work on. It was a crappy few months, but he did it, and its like living with a different person now.
Hi Bella, and welcome 🙂
Once someone who uses Coke becomes addicted, you need to think of cocaine as being in charge. That person’s whole life becomes consumed with getting it, being on it, and largely trying to hide it too.
I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 12, and he’s cheated, sometimes with a younger woman, but also one the same age as me, but always when high, and those other women either used or were happy for him to be doing so, whereas I wasn’t.
Frankly it doesnt say a lot for their own moral standards, especially as they knew he was married with a then very small child. One of them even tried to tell me that they were just friends as he needed someone to talk to!! What? About his wife who wont allow him to use cocaine!
Your partners brain is now wired differently, and yes, he’s sad now, but in time his brain will start to function normally again. It depends what you want, I forgave my husband because I knew deep down that all his faults and f**k ups were down to coke. I hate it with a passion now, and I really wish there was more education about this awful drug because it is glamourised, and its far from that!
Take care of yourself xx
I agree with FaithNotFear, its a tough drug to kick. Its also very easy to talk the talk and to make promises because at the time the addict actually believes what they are saying, but the compulsion to do it often wins. Its like living with a devil on your shoulder.
I firmly believe that lockdown helped my husband kick his addiction, because he wasnt able to go out for those first few months, and then he didnt want to.
He didnt get any professional help, but he did have to totally change how he lived. He had to tell ‘friends’ that this was his decision, he had to stop people visiting him at work that he knew used still. Its hard work, he struggled with sleeping for months, his dreams were vivid and always revolved around cocaine, the demons were there trying to get him to do it, his nose was tingling, like reminding him.
I hope Debbie’s husband can do it, but I know plenty of people who have tried and failed, but continued to use and lie about it.
x
That sounds positive 🙂
He needs to understand that its not him that you dont like/trust, its the drug and what that makes him. When my husband had the lightbulb moment, we agreed that I would test him regularly, and because he had stopped he was fine with that agreement. His tests was positive for a week or so, then the line was fainter, and I think at about 10 days it was negative. I also could just tell he wasn’t using.
Take care of him, feed him good food regularly, keeping full up is important, if alcohol is a trigger its worth abstaining from that too (my husband cannot drink now as for him the two went together, not all the time, but most of it)
I truly hope that he can do this, he needs to see he has your support, and that you are not the enemy, you just want your husband back.
Good luck xx
Hi Debbie,
How was your weekend? Probably a silly question!
I just read Faithnotfears post about her husband and how he was, and she’s nailed it. I look back on the few photos I have of my husband when he was using, and the angst on his face is obvious, he didnt want to be around me, he hated me because I wanted him to stop using drugs. I felt like the enemy, I questioned myself all the time, why am I not good enough? why wont he look at what he has at home? how can he do this to his child? I pretty much turned into a single mother, but with all the shit to deal with from his moods, going out and not coming home, the lies, the cheating, my life was a miserable existence. I couldnt rely on him to do anything, I couldnt do my job properly because I couldnt ever be away from home, I couldnt even ask for his help to collect his child from school ever because I was worried he would do it high.
The reality is that the person you love is in there, but it may take a long time to get him out, and in the meantime you are existing when you should be living. You only get one life. If I knew then what I know now, I would have chosen a different path when I first knew there was a problem, but I didnt.
I love him, and I’m so thankful that he’s recovered, and is 2+ years clean, I thank my lucky stars every single day. But the memories are slow to fade.
x
None of this is your fault and you need to remind yourself of that, every time your negative thoughts pop into your head. How is him deciding to use cocaine your fault? You need to step back and try to think logically sweetheart. You are doing nothing wrong! You are trying to help him and save your marriage, theres nothing wrong with that.
So much of what you said reminded me of situations i’ve been in. The anger for testing him – is just deflection from his guilt, he wasnt being honest with you, and your gut was telling you he was still using, so you did what you had to for your own sanity!
A stressful situation because of your sister is not your fault either, thats guilt too. Why should you have to bottle everything up inside because of his feelings, is he caring about your feelings when he’s not stopped using coke?
Its so hard when you are in it, to see whats really going on. Your husband has gone away, and the addiction is what you are dealing with. There is still a good person there, but you need to try and drag him out of the powerful hold of cocaine. Its a very addictive drug, psychologically more addictive than herion. His ability to stop will require a lot of willpower and a lot of support, but he has to want to, and I dont think he’s there 🙁
Sending you love xx