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Hi Debbie,
I missed this message earlier on, so sorry.
You aren’t alone, and its so so hard, I get it. Its hard to know what hes really doing but to be unable to raise it. You can only hide your emotions for a while and somewhen you’ll just blurt it out. Well thats what happened to me anyway!
Bottom line – The question I guess you need to ask yourself if, can you live like this, being married to a coke addict? Because thats what you have to deal with, and obviously he’s in denial that he has an issue because he’s still lying to you. Some people can deal with it and get on with life. I couldnt and I didnt want to, and thankfully eventually he stopped. But i’m talking years and years on and off, mostly on.
He is 2 years clean, but I still have dreams revolving around it, I still have that nagging worry in my head that it’ll start again. I don’t think i’ll ever get over it.
Basically, if I hadn’t had a child with him, I would have left, for sure. And thankfully it worked out, but it might not have done.
Nobody would tell you what to do, or judge you. You deserve to be happy and content with life, and if he’s stopping you being able to do that, then theres your answer.
Sending love x
I think if he’s only been using for 4 months, it wouldn’t be that hard to stop right.
At some point, I think you have to have the conversation with him, because as Faith said, some people can deal with partners using in marriages. I couldn’t, and it sounds like you can’t either. And nor should you have to. You didnt sign up to this.
You need to choose your time though, zero point talking to him if he’s had a drink or is high, and the come down is probably also a bad time. TBH, only you can tell when is the right time. But you need to be safe.
Does he have lots of friends that do it, do you own a house together, etc. A magic wand to go back a year would be awesome right, but unless he admits an issue, or decides that he is going to stop because its upsetting his wife, this will just continue. I feel so sad, why does this have to happen to good people 🙁 xx
Hi Debbie,
My husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. So in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. I would guess the first, but only you can tell.
I would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. I could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril.
Please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx
My husband is 2 years clean, but he had many failed attempts before that. He only really stopped when he realised his septum was falling apart! x
Hi Debbie,
My husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. So in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. I would guess the first, but only you can tell.
I would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. I could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril.
Please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx
Hi Debbie,
My husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. So in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. I would guess the first, but only you can tell.
I would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. I could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril.
Please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx
Hi Debbie,
I hope you are ok 🙁
What is the current status, has he admitted he has an addiction and has he said he will try, or has nothing been said, and you are over reacting (in his opinion)?
Nobody can tell you what to do, goodness I stayed in your position for years and years. Life was like an awful rollercoaster ride.
One thing I will say, is that I dont think I would have stayed if we didnt have a child together. Your happiness is important, and right now you’re not happy.
Does he know you tested him or have you kept that to yourself? xx
How are you doing Debbie? I’ve been thinking of you and I hope you are ok x
Sometimes its good to ‘just know’ yourself, because believe me, they’ll never admit it.
It is hard to comprehend like you say, but Coke is their best friend, and the little devil on their shoulder will be telling him that because you’re trying to stop him that you are the enemy. Try to be stay strong and look after yourself, because you need to. I lost so much weight in the thick of it, I looked like a skeleton, nervous energy xx
It really does change them, and you. I was living on the edge for so long, worrying, not sleeping, just existing really. We have a child, and I clung onto the good times, of which there were not many.
I’m pretty sure I have PTSD / anxiety because of it, because the fear literally takes over my body when we are invited somewhere where I know alcohol will be. Thankfully he knows that for him, the two things go together, so he cannot drink any more. I never really drank much, so giving that up didn’t bother me at all.
He did have a hole coming in his septum, and I think thats one of the reasons he stopped, his parents never knew any of this addiction, and he cares what they think of him. If his nose got worse he wouldn’t have been able to hide it.
I’d like to think I was a part of him stopping, and deep down I think I am, and his child, but for years that didnt matter.
I tested him for months, and he was happy for me to do so because he wanted to stop. I could tell when he had done it even if he denied it (which he regularly did) his appetite, his eyes, his tone, even the way he text me, I could tell! Crazy life.
If you get tests from amazon, you can test if he doesnt flush the toilet, gross I know, but you’ll at least know you’re not going mad. Trust your gut, its usually right.
I feel so sad that good people are in this position, its like living on a rollercoaster xx
Hi Debbie,
You arent alone, there are many many partners in your boat with you, you dont feel like it at the time though.
My husband is 50, and we’ve been married 15 years, for most of that 15 years he was a cocaine addict. Started as a social thing then spiralled. He is now 2 years clean, and has not drunk any alcohol either. The pandemic probably helped him wierdly enough.
I can’t tell you what made him stop in the end, but he did it alone without rehab or groups. He is very determined in everything he does though, so with my support he did it. Even 2 years on I still worry that he’ll relapse, but one day its got to be forever right? Hopefully this is it. He’s stopped before for months here and there, but never this long, and his language about people who use coke has changed, he thinks negatively of them now.
He did cut ties with most of his mates that do it, and spent more time at home (most of the time really) and occasionally will see friends that don’t do it.
My life was awful, he was absent, nasty, aggressive, cheated on me. I took an overdose because my life was so sad. I couldnt see any light.
Coke is a sly drug, it reels you in slowly and turns you into a different person, cocaine is your priority and anyone that gets in the way of that (i.e me) is the enemy.
I’ve had the best 2 years of my life since he stopped, and it is possible, but your husband has to admit he has a problem and want to stop, because until that point you may aswell be talking to a wall.
Sending hugs x
Its the hardest position to be in, all sorts will be going through your head.
Does he hate me?
Why is he like this?
I just want him to be normal again
I’m scared of my own husband
How should I be, how should I act/react?
One day one of his mates (I am good friends with the wife) told him he was a ‘poor husband and a bad father’ well, that was 5 years ago, and my husband has not spoken to him since. He was both those things, but someone telling him really made him angry.
I will never understand why they cannot see what EVERYONE else can. (everyone except other coke heads!) And because they’re not spaced out or comatose or falling all over the place, I think its even harder for us to grasp why they are so different toward us. I think you need to think of his brain as it having a meltdown, but you cannot see it, its not as visible as other addictions, they can easily pretend.
I dont know what your home situation is, I can’t remember, but get the hell out of this, and don’t look back. xx
Hi,
I don’t know what you are going through, but do not feel bad for how you feel.
You went through hell with the man you loved, I’m sure that you tried your absolute best and you were helpless to stop him.
Addiction in any form is awful for the person, but equally as upsetting for the family around them. Take comfort in the fact you did what you could, and i’m sure you protected your kids as best you could.
Sending hugs x
It sounds awful and she obviously needs help, but you can’t help her when she’s like this. She needs professional help, someone who is detached from her and knows what they are doing.
Coke is only going to make her issues even worse, it messes with the neurotransmitters in your brain, and if she already had mental health issues this will be even worse.
I’d go so far as to suggest that she needs sectioning, please get some professional advice yourself. Icarus are really good 🙂
Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I get that you love her, but her actions should not define you, zapp the life out of you, make you feel like you’re treading on egg shells etc etc.
Hand the responsibility over to her family and let them deal with it. You need to take control back, its lucky you don’t have kids.
Believe in yourself, and have some self worth. You are better and deserve better than this chaotic life, none of which is down to you. 🙂