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Its a chicken and egg situation. Its either the guilt or its the excuse.
And theres the paranoia. Why can’t you join a gym and keep fit for you, its not always for someone elses benefit.
Honestly, you are better off out of this toxic situation. You sound like a good guy and you’re getting taken for a ride. Ask yourself one thing – what are YOU getting from this relationship, what have you got from it in the last 6 months. I suspect the answer is not much, and you deserve better.
It sounds like you have done plenty to help and support her over the years, now its time to move on. Don’t worry about what she’s told people about you, you know the truth 🙂
I once didn’t answer the phone because I was at a company customer event, in a keynote speech, and I had 46 missed calls in 5 minutes, all because our daughter had been sick. I was 2 hours from home. Why wasnt I answering, what was I doing that was so important…. it does not get any better until she’s clean.
Oh Paul, sounds awful for you. My husband was using coke and diazepam, I know what you are going through.
Redfox is right, its guilt pure and simple. She does need professional help, but until she’s ready to accept it, the thought of it probably terrifies her. The existence she has at the moment she thinks is acceptable, she can function to an extent.
Do her family not know? My husbands dont/didnt, but they must see the difference now that he’s clean. They probably wouldnt have ever thought drugs, but they may have thought drink.
You need to look after yourself, she is not your problem, you didnt get her into this, and you can’t get her out of it. She has to want to, and i’m not sure shes there yet.
Take care of you.
Btw – mine was using cocaine, alcohol, and diazepam (the latter to hide the first from me) except I still knew, you just know. Oh and another sleeping aid prescribed by the dr!
If he’s using all that too, no detox shampoo is going to help him! They possibly reduce levels shown, but not totally.
x
They become masters of deception Kitty. Although the truth always comes out.
I’m pleased you are away from the chaos. Is the drug test a hair strand then? as opposed to blood test…. next he’ll shave his hair off…..
I hope you have support from your family and friends. I did from friends, family didn’t know and still don’t. Although I always felt like I was telling the same story over and over, i’m sure they got bored of listening to me! Its funny, I normalised many many situations that were FAR from normal, it just became my life.
Keep texts (although mine started being careful what he text because he knew I could use it against him) record conversations if you can, keep a diary.
I’m always here when you need to talk x
Hi Kitty,
Bless you, it sounds like you are struggling 🙁
Please don’t worry – he won’t have a hope in hell of getting shared custody with his background. Document everything.
You need to look after you and your little girl, he is not your problem. I know you wont want to see him spiral, or you dont want your actions to affect him, but honestly, look at the last year and ask yourself does he care about how his actions affect you?
Btw – using coke to get over a mental breakdown is total rubbish. That will make you worse, not better!
Are you living with him still or have you moved out?
x
Oh Littlehappy, please try not to let his actions define you.
I know this is easier said than done, I’ve been where you are and you feel helpless, mugged off, and utter sadness.
You are better than this, he might look like the life and soul, and you might look like the bore (to his so called friends) but you are not and neither is he! He’s not the person you once knew, he’ll gravitate to like minded drinkers or coke users, it doesnt matter that before he’d never socialise with them, now he’ll socialise with anyone who is on his level, a messed up level, a level that you never want to be at.
When my husband used to be like this, I researched cocaine psychosis, and I truly believe my husband had that. He looked at me with hatred, the drug hated me for trying to help him, and he was now that drug, it had consumed him, and turned him into someone I did not recognise. I saw photos on my phone the other day of him at our childs graduation from nursery school, and the angst on his face is clear to see. He wanted to be there, but he didnt want to be there, he was so messed up.
Never, ever, blame yourself. Nothing you have done has made him like this. He’s an adult and you can’t fix him, so you need to look after yourself, and your girls and do whatever you need to to start again, find happiness and start to LIVE again, instead of the existence you have at present.
Sending much love x
Hey Lucy,
Can I ask, and you may have said – how long has this been going on for? Your story may not sound as bad as others, but it may get to the point that it is.
I think what most are saying is that you should get out now, before it gets worse, which if he isn’t admitting to it being a problem, it will.
It got to the stage that my husband was needing to use it to feel normal, not to get high at all. Because his brain reprogrammed to need it more and more. He used it for probably 15 years, for a long time it was just weekends, then one night in the week, then before he knew it it was every other day, and at its worst daily. Its a slippery slope and the problem is that it starts as a bit of fun, the party drug. And for some it remains just that, but for others it does not.
x
Hi Lece,
So in order, I’ll reply as best I can.
1. Why did he start the journey to stopping?
Honestly, I think it was probably the fact he was developing a hole inside his nose, regular nosebleeds, it took his health to visibly suffer to stop. His parents dont know anything of his coke use, and I think he knew that if his nose got worse he wouldnt be able to talk it away!
Me being anxious, sad and worried, our child wondering where he was every weekend, and working late all the time, none of that really came into play intially. it did after he started the journey as he had some clarity and he was disgusted with himself.
2. The Cheating.
I have had to compartmentalise this as a symptom of the drug. There is no way in gods earth that he would have gone near the woman clean and sober! Coke addicts gravitate to coke addicts, and they’re more often than not drunk quite a lot, I had to tell myself that it was the coke, the devil on his shoulder. I believe he already feels enough guilt, and me dragging it up is useless. I know he regrets it, and I know what caused him to do it. I have to think like this to move past it.
My husband would have always chosen cocaine over me, he stopped numerous times before, and then started again, but one day when they stop they’ll stop for good right? I’m hoping this is that time.
He is 51, you’d have thought he’d have grown out of it by now!! Lets hope so 🙂
I hope you are happy Lece, and that your children are too, thats the most important thing x
I’ve had the same, treat you like crap but you can’t tell anyone what you’re going through because he doesn’t like it. It’s guilt.
Honestly, I’d go to your parents even if it is abroad. Go and be happy. You only get one life, and if you are anything like me, you’re thinking, if only I can fix him, I don’t want him to get worse if I go.
It’s not your fault. He’s not your responsibility, your happiness is paramount. Unless he stops using, you’ll be on this rollercoaster of emotions for too long.
Here anytime you need to talk x
Oh Lucy, I read your story and could have cried for you.
Everything you say rings true, and reminds me of my past situation. My husband is 18 months clean, but was using on and off (mostly on) for the 12 years we have been together.
You really need to get out of this, I appreciate he is your baby’s father, but he will drive you insane.
After 10 years of torment (the last 5 being the worst) I tried to take my own life. To be fair, i was not actually serious, it was a cry for help, and a way to escape from the drama. He was doing lines of coke while I was led on the floor after taking too many codine and paracetemol. I remember him being nice as pie to the ambulance people, but to me he was so horrible, why did I do something stupid like this? What was I trying to prove? I had to get a £60 taxi home the next day from hospital because he wouldnt collect me and I couldnt tell anyone what had happened, because his drug use was not widely known.
He too was convinced I was cheating, I was not, yet he was.
There is nothing you can say or do to stop him doing coke, coke is the most important thing in his life. If you try to stop him, or give him reason not to do it, you are trying to control him. An addict never sees it as you helping, they see it as you stopping them doing what they want.
If you can leave do, go to parents, please. Your happiness and your childs happiness is the most important thing, and you will end up going mad if you stay and he doesnt want to stop.
Sending love x
Hi,
I didn’t want to read and run, and I know nothing about Ketamine, only that it seems to be more and more common.
Just know you are not to blame and you are not alone. It sounds like he needs to change his friendship group, as he can quite easily stop doing it (as proven by isolating) but then gives in to temptation. I dont know how addictive Ketamine is. Many people who use it, also use Cocaine, do you know if he is also using that?
Sending love x
My husband would never have left me, because he wouldn’t have wanted ever to be the person to do that. Its far easier for them to push and push and push you until you make the choice for them, then they can blame you for that too.
If I was you, i’d let him go and be someone elses problem. That may sound harsh, but if/when he sorts himself out you can make a decision. If he does not then you haven’t had to live through this anymore.
Him moving out is not your fault, all of this is his own doing, and there isnt anything you can say or do to make him sort himself out.
Move on and make new happiness x
There’s a song by Bliss and Eso called Devil on my shoulder, I think its about alcohol, but my husband listened to it alot when he was stopping using coke.
Its worth a listen DanMan 🙂
Hi Cali,
Thats what happens when someone turns to Coke, they run away from responsibility, cocaine is their friend, and anyone who tries to stop them is distanced as they think they are trying to stop them using it.
My husband used to be awful to me, mental torture. Accusations to deflect from his own screw ups. I hated life and just wanted to get off of the rollercoaster. We have a child together, and I was doing everything on my own, he would just use the house to wallow around in when he was coming down. I lived for the very small glimmers of normality that I occasionally had. I have PTSD now, which is down to the life I used to have with him when he was using.
Fast forward 18 months and I’ve had the best 18 months ever, he is back, he is motivated, he is fun, he looks healthy.
But….. and its a big but. If we had not had a child, and if I knew 15 years ago what I know now about what would happen in those years, I would have run a mile.
You simply have to put yourself first, and your feelings are the most important thing. You get one life and it should be lived, not existed.
Christina is right, they turn into Jekyll and Hyde, and you dont know from one day to the next which you’ll get.
Be happy and do what is best for YOU, not for him. You are dealing with a different person to the one you fell in love with.
x