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Hi Cali,
I didn’t want to read and run. I hope you are ok. I have been in your shoes, so everything you say resonates. And everything he is doing also does. My husband is 18 months clean of Coke, after years and years of living on a rollercoaster.
It is not that he doesn’t want you, the pull of the coke is strong, and if he knows you wont let him do it, he’ll say things to you to create distance to justify it to himself and to allow him to do what he pleases.
I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but unless he wants to stop, he wont have a cats in hells chance of doing so. Cocaine is a sly, manipulative drug that pulls you in slowly, then takes over your life.
My advice to you, and hard as it is, if you have no kids together, move on and let him go. Your happiness is important and right now, you are existing not living.
Coke does allow you to function, its not like heroin or alcohol, a lot of the time most people cannot tell when someone is on it. But it turns people into monsters, and if they could see themselves like they are, when they are clean, they would be mortified.
Sending hugs x
LaLaa,
Let him go, and don’t look back.
I imagine the other woman accepts/partakes in drugs too, thats usually the way.
Your life will be better without an addict, trust me. If you dont have kids or financial ties, see it as a good thing xx
Hi Sal,
I’ve read a lot over the years about cocaine addiction, and I know it takes a strong willed person to stop. Cocaine is worse than Heroin in terms of its psychological hold on the addict. The physical withdrawal nothing like opioids, but psychologically it is harder to stop.
My husband gave up 17 months ago (after a number of failed attempts) this has been the longest time clean by probably a year…. and like I’ve mentioned before, his mindset has shifted. He did it without help, no rehab, no counsellor, just support from me and his child. But he had to want to give up. There was never anything I could say to stop him doing what he wanted, before the lightbulb moment, which was partly down to a hole inside his nose.
He does not associate with the old crew, he spends his time at work, at home, and some time seeing friends who do not use. Believe me, this reduced his circle of friends by probably 90%. He has not touched alcohol. He is 49, and I think he’s grown up (finally)
I feel so much empathy for people who are going through what I did, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Sending love x
Hi She,
Oh boy, yes they become the masters of manipulation! Treat those close (you) like the enemy, but to everyone else they appear to be wonderful.
I only confided in a couple of friends, I did not tell my family, or his. I think to be fair if I had told his family it would have been worse for me. The fear of repercussion of anything I did was massive. No, he never physically abused me, but the mental abuse was torture. You become desensitised to it to a point, their behaviour becomes almost acceptable, but if you talk about it to anyone else they look at you like you are nuts to still be together.
I stayed because I knew there was a good person in there and also because we have a child and part of that being that I did not want to ever have to leave her with him alone (crazy right!).
He now talks about people who ‘use’ with contempt and disgust. I truly hope this is forever now. The fear of relapse for me is still there, but its getting easier.
Do you have kids? does he work? Part of our problem was that my husband could afford it, he never got into debt or borrowed money. It made it easy!
Ash x
I posted twice, sorry!
Hi ‘She’
Oh no….. you are not alone in wishing that, it certainly crossed my mind at times. It is because you feel helpless, and because you yourself cannot stop him using it, your only hope is that ‘something’ else stops him.
My husband is clean now, and has been for 17 months, its amazing! But it took a hole in his septum and my consistency of not accepting it for him to stop for good. He also has not drunk any alcohol for the same period of time. He did not have a drink problem, but the two went hand in hand, and drinking is certainly a trigger.
You are not alone sweetheart, if you would like any help with coping please ask, and we will help if we can. Also there are ex addicts on this site, and they will also help you from the other perspective.
I did not handle it well, and I have PTSD because of his drug use. Its getting better all the time, with time, but its so hard for everyone involved.
Sending love x
This makes me so happy Danman. Our paths have crossed on various posts over the last couple of years, and I’m so pleased for you!! Don’t look back! Onwards and upwards 🙂
Oh Dot, WOW, so amazing!! Look how far you have come 🙂 And isn’t life better in so many ways.
I’m so proud of what you’ve achieved, and I dont even know you!!
Totally agree with Danman. My husband used to think he could pick it up and put it down, he can’t and he now realises this is the case.
He also knows he can’t drink because they go hand in hand for him. I in turn don’t drink, not that that really bothers me, but every now and then I might like a beer or a glass of fizz, but I just dont drink either now, I dont want to tempt him.
x
Well done DanMan, 13 weeks is brilliant. Long may it continue, and you can get your life back 🙂
Sal98,
I, like you, wondered why I couldn’t just pack my bags and leave everytime my husband relapsed. I think I had become co-dependent on him. My husband is now 15 months clean from cocaine, never before has he managed more than 6 months. He cannot drink alcohol, so in 15 months has not drunk any alcohol or used any cocaine. Its so nice living with someone when you know how he’ll react at any given time to any situation. I’ve never had that before.
Don’t get me wrong I will probably always worry about certain people turning his head, or that invite to a social event that you now dread. In fact lockdown has done us massive favours, as those things havent been a concern.
Why didn’t I leave….. probably fear that if I did would make him spiral to even worse, and not wanting that on my conscience was certainly one reason. In addition, we have a child together and the thought of having to leave her with him when he was an active user was not also worth the utter dread that would come with that scenario. Thankfully things are good at present, I also probably thought ‘at some point when he stops, he’ll stop for good right’ always hoping. Maybe this time is it.
Sending love, and positive strength. Lord knows, we need it. x
Hi FaithnotFear,
Furstly, well done for having the courage to post. Many people find themselves in a situation like you, and your husband is typical of a recreational user who got hooked. Cocaine is a sly drug and you never know when it will take hold. It gets to the point where you are constantly chasing the good feeling, and then it turns to just using it to feel normal, not good. Then its too late.
My husband is late 40’s, and he used coke recreationally for 10 years, then for 10 years it was a problem, in varying degrees. He’s quite strong willed and he struggled. He was clean for months here and there after a ‘moment’ where he thought, what am I doing?!’ He is now 13 months clean, did it himself (with support from me of course) he cannot drink alcohol anymore either as the two were linked. It is possible to stop, but he’ll need time, make sure he eats properly and spends time with positive influences, not coke users! Coke users tend to be pretty selfish, and they dont care that your husband is trying to stay clean, they just want someone to do it with.
Thinking of you, and sending love x
Kklost – mine is 13 months drug and drink free, he cannot do one without the other, but thats probably not true for everyone, it depends how you used it I presume?
Smh, bless you sweetheart, no it is not that he doesn’t want you, but cocaine rules his head. Please don’t take it personally. It is NOT and in NO way your fault, nor does it say anything about you.
The problem is that cocaine takes over your life and he probably spends all his time around like minded people, its what happens. He will spend less time with people who dont do it, and more with people who do, until it gets to the point where he’s almost 100% with the addict mates, and never with you or the non drug users.
I dont want to alarm you, but it took 15 years for my husband to get to this point, and before that for the last 7 years we had a few months clean here and there. It took a hole in his nose and a massive reality check to get himself clean.
Here for you whenever you need to talk x
I didnt mean to post that multiple times!! bloody technology!