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‘ He swears its the tests. And was quite angry and upset saying why would i volunteer to do them if i had used etc.’
Well if he hadn’t agreed to it then you’d have also the same conclusion right?
I’ve been here with my husband in the past xx
Oh HW, my heart sank when I read your message.
In my experience, they will lie and lie unless you saw him do a line he won’t admit it. There has to be another reason yada yada.
The tests were negative, then he goes away, your gut tells you something (which is probably right) to want to test him, and he fails… no surprise there. We always JUST know.
I have no advice really other than leave it a week and test him again, you’ll know then whether it’s a blip or it’s started again.
Sending love x
Hi Kezmundo,
The thing is, when you’ve been around it before, you know, you just know. You still need concrete proof (test/swipes) but you already knew didnt you.
Its actually quite easy for the partners to see slight changes, that they themselves don’t ever see. I can even tell by my husbands text message tone (because he’s uses a slightly different language), they lack appetite – thats an easy one to spot if you cook for him etc etc.
My husband is 8 months clean after 20+ years of first recreational, then daily use, with breaks here and there. I’m constantly on edge still. Certain people he occasionally sees trigger worry in me, but I have to trust him.
Like Lemony says, they have to want to stop themselves, nothing you or his kids can do/say will change that it he’s not bought in, or doesnt see it as a problem.
Sending hugs xx
Hi!
I didnt want to read and run.
My husband is a recovering cocaine addict. He’s into his 8th month clean now. But for years and years, as long as I can remember cocaine has been a problem in my marriage.
What do you want to do? You are not responsible for him. What is his current status? Is he still using?
My husband stopped drinking too, as he isnt really able to do one without the other. He doesnt have an off switch, so he did drink to get drunk, as opposed to just having one or 2.
You aren’t alone xx
Oh my, I feel so sad reading your words. I know exactly how you are feeling, if only there was a way to detach. There isn’t an easy way out of this.
I wanted so many times to ‘get on with my life and let my cocaine addict husband do what he wants and not let it bother me’, but how can you sit back and let someone destroy themselves right. Fact is – you have to, for YOUR own sanity, you have to detach. You can be there for support if/when he stops, but just don’t put yourself through it.
Sending massive hugs, nobody deserves to go through what you are, you are stronger than you think, but dont let him take all your happiness away. Yes, you are his mother, but first and foremost, you are you. Please don’t let him define you. xx
cornwallmother – It’s amazing how many people are in the same position, or a similar one.
I hope you are ok, this forum is a great form of support because you know you arent alone.
x
He wouldn’t have gone for a meal before, whats the point when you arent ever hungry (apart from on a come down) x
My husband has been clean since basically just after Christmas. So we are in Month 7. The fact we had lockdown probably helped as he has to draw to go out.
He has mentioned going for a meal with some friends at some point, well the fact its a meal, and he’s choosing the friends on the basis that he wont choose anyone he knows who does coke…. I have to give him some slack, or he’ll end up hating me. Thats a way off anyway, you can’t meet more than one other household to eat inside at the moment, thank goodness. I will worry that evening!
x
Things are good here thank you Kklost, thank you for asking.
I feel like we have turned a corner, its been a long road though!
Good work on the counsellor, I havent been back to mine since lockdown, I probably should, but I feel ok, so I’m not too worried. The constant state of high alert/worry is dissipating by the day, so I’m not on edge all the time.
Pleased to hear you are doing well x
Oh great to hear you’re doing well Daz, you can even see the improvement too. I used to look at my husband and he looked angry/frowning like all the time, but now he’s not, and neither are you. You look content!
I’m so happy for you!! And you Kklost, good to hear from you too. Your husband is doing so well 🙂
Just got to help everyone else now, LOL x
Hi Whiteheather,
Welcome, and well done for posting. It takes guts!
Firstly, do not blame yourself, short of keeping him in for all his life, you cannot ever imagine this will happen to you or him. Its not your fault.
Unfortunately, what starts out for a lot of people as a recreational drug every now and then at a party, for some, it turns into this. Cocaine is a sly drug that reels you in without you really realising, until you are dependent on it to feel normal, or what you believe to be normal.
Has he ever admitted that its a problem? Unless he admits it is an issue there is little you can do.
Sending hugs x
Hi Jo,
BT is right, cocaine makes you incredibly selfish in all aspects, it also can stir up aggression. He wont be thinking of anybody else in any of this. In fact sorry to say, but the fact your father has passed away to him, will just be an excuse to use and have a reason.
I used to joke that my husband just needed the day to end in a Y to have an excuse, its as simple as that.
Blocking his number will give him a reason to kick off and moan about you doing that to your mum, if I was you, I would just ignore his calls, or get your partner to answer the phone.
You are right to be worried about the funeral, in my experience, he could possibly start an argument, be an idiot, embarrass the family. The best thing you can do is remain calm, try to act totally normal to him, dont give him any looks or say anything, much as you may want to. Dont give him cause. I’m sure he wont kick off in front of your mum anyway, it sounds like he’s playing the victim to her.
Stay strong, take all the hugs you can get, stay level headed and always remember, his actions are NOT your problem or your fault.
x
How are you doing Dazza?
Oh Molly i’m really pleased! What a relief, even if it is temporary.
There was a helpline I called at my lowest point, and the guy I spoke to was an ex crack addict, he made me feel so much better about what I was going through, he told me his story and made me see things much clearer. I think it was CA (cocaine anon) helpline.
Help him see there is a better life out there xx
Hi Need to talk,
Wow, what a rollercoaster you are on, and well done for reaching out for support.
I agree with everything BT has said, look after yourself and be there for your mum. Does your mum know about his cocaine use?
Is his GF a coke user too? I’m assuming so. The problem you have is that 2 addicts are worse than 1, at least if one isnt then that 1 will try to help the addict.
I think it sounds like you wont get anywhere and you’ll just get frustrated because being of sound mind, you’ll want to scream at him.
Take care of yourself, I hope you have friends and maybe a partner you can also lean on for support.
x