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Any time. I’m the same I was a proper mummy and daddy’s girl, then met my husband at 17 and moved in with him at 18. I’d never been alone either. But do you know what, it’s the unknown that’s scary, it’s amazing how you get used to being on your own eventually. I hated putting the bins out in the beginning etc, because they’d always been jobs my husband did, but I surprised myself, I even googled how to fix my car and went to buy the bits to do it. So I’m a way it shows you how strong you can be if you’re forced to be.

I like you hated my husband. Now my life is becoming nice again. Although it is a long road to recovery for both. I always believe if it’s meant to be it will be. If you follow through and leave him, or make him leave you leave the ball in his court. You will see what he really wants. It might get worse before it gets better.

You never know, I was reluctant to let my husband come back, because I’d finally restored calm. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and so far, so good. I stopped hiding my bank card or car keys and stopped following him because that’s not keeping the focus on me and if he is going to do drugs, he will do them regardless of me suffocating him. This way I am giving him the chance to make his own decisions, however if he makes a wrong one he knows know he will live by the consequences. Xx

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Hi Team.

Firstly Hox is right. You need to decide firstly if you can carry on living like this. I couldn’t and by reading your post, I can see that you certainly don’t seem to be happy. Are you prepared to carry on with the way things are now?

I told everyone, I did it out of spite, I outed my husband and told everyone or anyone who would listen about all of his behaviours. This was probably not the way to go, I didn’t do it for the right reason, I did it because everything was crazy and I couldn’t control the situation, I wanted him to stop! To wake up and see sense and go back to being the loving, family man he was before. Now I know that was my issue, not his! I had become so codependent I didn’t even realise what I had become. In my head my husband was to blame for everything. I like you bought the tests, we’d argue, he’d lie etc etc.

This is not normal behaviour. I used to obsess weather my husband had cheated whilst high, it used to control my every thought. My husband was selfish and sort attention off women, but he never said anything sexual to anyone, it was almost like he was seeking comfort elsewhere, in a way that kind of made it worse. Now I know that’s just because the drugs made him see me as a nag, he wasn’t ready to tackle his addiction and he’d rather have left me whist he was in deep addiction, than to fight to do what was right. In his head, he didn’t think any of what he did was wrong!

The drug completely changes people, whilst your husband is an addict I wouldn’t trust him not to lie, cheat, steal etc. because when it comes down to it, their addiction comes first. They have almost been hijacked, so stop taking it so personally, I know it’s awfully hard not to.

I can only advise from my perspective now, I choose to not be in a relationship with an addict. If my husband relapsed, I would make him leave. No one is worth making you ill for. Maybe that would be the kick he needs to change, but don’t do it for that reason. Do it for yourself.

I bet you’ve neglected yourself whilst you’ve become so entangled with your husband that you’ve lost your identity, I know I did! People told me to concentrate on me, I didn’t even know what they meant. Without my husband and his problems I felt completely lost. But I sought help, I hated the way I felt and how bad my life had become. I decided not to live like it anymore. Go to al anon and Stick with it, it seems odd at first and complete nonsense but it does work.

Have faith that everything will be ok in the end, no matter what happens. But remember, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

Hugs xx

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Well basically it will drive you mad trying to think of the whys etc.

If he’s never been the sort to have an affair or take coke and it’s all out of the blue maybe it’s depression. Maybe a midlife crisis? But then again speculating will just drive you mad!

Basically if you love him and want to get to the bottom of it maybe suggest marriage counselling. It’s helped massively for me.

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So how did you find out about the coke? Did he say the reason for the affair was due to him using cocaine? Was it a full blown affair? I’m just wondering as maybe the other woman took coke with him.

If you’d have known about the coke then he had an affair etc, it may have been because a lot of addicts start associating with people they usually wouldn’t. My husband on his last relapse started befriending young chavvy football hooligans.

Plus do you know if he’s an addict or just a social user? I mean how bad did his use get?

By the time I found out about my husbands he was using roughly once a month ( this could have been lies) probably was. To cut a long story short this didn’t change his personality that much looking back, but he always used alone, in our house when me and my kids were in bed and quite large quantities.

It got to the point where his personality was unrecognisable, he was taking it at every opportunity he could. Taking it for stress, to celebrate any excuse to use. When it gets really bad you definitely know! It’s like living with a vile, horrible monster that has you questioning everything.

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Hi there,

Well I don’t know your husband so couldn’t comment but if you feel something is up, it usually is.

My husband would swear he wasn’t using til he was blue in the face even when I’d confront him with evidence, he made me feel like I was imagining it!

What do you mean by cheating? How did all that come about? All I know is that cocaine makes users incredibly selfish.

Maybe sit down and confront him with your evidence calmly, although I know how annoying this is when they deny any wrong doing.

I think you have to ask yourself if he’s using again are you prepared to stay again. If he only cheated because he was on coke, can you trust that he won’t cheat again? If you aren’t prepared to stay again you have a lot to think about.

It’s incredibly hard and a horrible merry go round. Maybe suggest drug testing strips randomly. Although this is all time consuming and at the worse they will still try to lie there way out of taking them, or in my husbands case he’d do them knowing he’d get caught. I guess that’s how much false confidence it gives them.

It’s an awful situation. Get some help for yourself before you attempt to tackle his issues xx

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Get yourself to an al anon group, since I went there I don’t worry where he is. If he’s gonna do it he’s gonna do it, I have choices and so does he. I literally changed myself by turning the attention onto me and not him. It’s almost changed the whole dynamics of our relationship.

I bought the book co dependant no more by Melody Beattie that was an eye opener into recognising my own unhelpful behaviour xx

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Oh by the way, my husband never had any kind of mental illness before cocaine. He was literally the model man. He never got down about anything, he treated me like a princess and was the most perfect father. Cocaine completely changed him.

I’ve read that the changes in the brain once a cocaine addiction takes hold makes ordinary things feel crap, it’s only when they take the coke that they feel some kind of pleasure. Then according to my husband it’s only the first two lines that are good and the rest makes you feel awful but you keep on doing it!

I didn’t believe him at first and thought he just had no willpower, it used to infuriate me at the destruction it had caused and despite everything he wouldn’t stop!

Now I know it’s couldn’t stop! It really is evil stuff! Xx

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So odd nearly all their behaviours are the same and eventually they all do/say or act the same way. So it must definitely be the coke.

We’ve always loved holidays, me more than him as I always need something to look forward to. Last year we lived apart, I was pregnant but couldn’t take anymore, he’d become reckless, even driving drugged up with our kids in the car. Obviously I didn’t know any of this at the time, I thought he had anxiety. Well I told him I wanted to go on holiday, he told me to go alone as he didn’t deserve one, he was a scum bag etc. I think now this was just so he could use for the week. Well I booked to go to Gran Canaria, my mum came for support and he was hysterical. He cried the whole week and was so bitter that I’d gone without him. See this is the kind of crazy mental abuse you have to put up with.

I love my husband, but as I said his past behaviour has made me feel differently about him. I’m hoping in time, that goes and I can feel the same as I once did towards him. However I will not go through it again! I can’t! I refuse to go back to the train wreck that I was also! Xx

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I’m seeing a marriage counsellor but he focuses on us individually as well as a couple. I just googled marriage counselling and luckily found one that was non profit so £30 an hour, but I do manage to get loads in that hour.

I went primarily because I thought my husband could now be a potential cheat. He was the most loyal and trustworthy man ever but due to the explosive fights we’d have over his drug use, he’d think he didn’t want to be with me. He told me he didn’t think he loved me or the kids anymore at times, then the next begged me to stay as he did love me it was the coke that made him think he didn’t. Since coming on here I’ve noticed that seems to be a common trait! He would be paranoid that I was going to cheat and be jealous over ex boyfriends I’d had when I was a teenager. During one argument I told him I didn’t think he was attractive anymore and threw a cup at him.

He left me and went on to add loads of random women on fb, telling them we’d been split months and how he hated me etc. Although nothing happened between him or any of them, I think in his head he was planning on maybe leaving me, thinking his addiction could only be maintained if we weren’t together. Cocaine then came before me or our children. Trouble is he said when the drugs wore off his love for me came back and he’d feel ashamed, so to block out what he’d done, he’d take more coke!

I think his self esteem was at an all time low too and he was acting out as a confidence boost to see if he could get attention. By flirting with others every time he thought his marriage was in trouble. It was all so out of character. That was the ultimate betrayal though and the one that hurt the most.

The marriage counsellor has seemed to pin it all on his childhood, his mother left him when he was small and he never seen her again until he was an adult, he had different step mums in and out of his life and was left alone for long periods of time as his dad was always working.

He does seem committed to changing for good this time, I’m just hoping it lasts, I can’t go though it again! I have 5 children to think about! X

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Hi jules,

My husband is 8 months clean. As you say life is now pleasant but for how long?

Everything is going well now between us, but I can’t help thinking it won’t ever be the same as he put me through so much. I questioned most of his decisions whilst he was using thinking “ was the behaviour him or all down to the drugs” rationally I know it was the effect that the horrible cocaine did to him as I’ve been with him 17 years and for 13 he was amazing until he discovered coke! That’s why I hung on. The hardest bit comes afterwards trying to regain some kind of trust and trying to let go of the past which is incredibly hard. I’m having counselling and it’s helping but it’s literally been the most horrendous last few years of my life.

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Basically whist she’s in active addict you need to stop trying to understand any of her behaviour as it’s all bonkers. In the past I’ve poured my heart out to my husband and he’s took one little bit of say 10 paragraphs and twisted what he wanted and ignored the rest.

On Valentine’s Day last year I poured my heart out in pages of handwritten notes, pointing out how bad his behaviour is and how much it was killing me and his kids along with a wooden box with photos of us all throughout the years, hoping to trigger some kind of emotion out in him. He didn’t even respond. When he was feeling better and off drugs for a short while, he admitted that he didn’t feel anything and on reflection he thought it was sad!

They will only see our help as nagging. No criticism of any kind will be constructive. I know it’s hard but until they stop and some considerable time has past, you’re fighting a losing battle.

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Hi there, I think they recommend a year sober before thinking about getting into a new relationship. I think it’s down to a lot of things but primarily a new relationship can sabotage his recovery. His no1 focus needs to be on staying well, yours needs to be on you.

Six months is great, but if you’re realistic it’s no time to jump straight back into a full on relationship. Why don’t you remain friends? see how it goes, be there for him as a friend but at a distance, I can definitely understand your hesitance at not wanting to get hurt again. I am married to an addict in recovery (8 months) clean and I still tread on eggshells in certain situations.

If he really likes you and you really like him, then time will tell if it’s meant to be. Don’t focus on his recovery, or his drug addiction, that’s his issues. I know with my husband I became so focused on drugs, that they took over my life and I’ve never even touched them.

Enjoy stuff together, normal stuff. Go out for coffee, the cinema, haha you get my drift anyway. I’m guessing that whilst in addiction he probably didn’t get that much enjoyment out of normal things so make up for lost time.

Good luck.

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Thanks for sharing that, I always find it really interesting listening to the addicts mindset, because from the outside it all seems mad and so irrational.

My husband tried many times to get clean, moved away various times, but each time he found ways of obtaining drugs, or switching one drug for another. He stopped coke but continued taking codeine etc. So where I’d always blamed the coke, his mood was just as awful on codeine. I don’t think it’s one particular drug that’s to blame, although coke it notorious for the extreme mood changes, it’s once the path has been crossed over into addiction that the problems start. That’s when the lying, the manipulation etc. Comes into play.

I like you, don’t understand it, eventually he just stopped. I worked on me and left him to do as he wanted. It was then, he chose another path for himself. So I’m thinking, it doesn’t matter where you are, how much your family threaten, or love you, nothing will stop you, until you reach that decision for yourself. I do agree, that when you’re in deep addiction, you need to get away, even temporarily, just so you’re out of that cycle, to then begin to contemplate another way of life. When my husband was deep in and using lots, nothing could have convinced him otherwise, once the money began to run out and I stopped caring, it seemed to loosen the grip.

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Hi there,

Firstly you need to back away, preferably with love. He may not think it’s with love and kindness at the time when you stop bailing him out, but in the long run it’s the only solution.

My husband was the addict, I can’t begin to think how hard it must be if it’s your child. It’s easier in a way to leave a spouse but when it’s your child, the thoughts of “what might happen to him” if you don’t help, I imagine must be overwhelming. In some ways though it’s helping to keep him stuck.

I recommend that you seek help, try Al anon they have been a life saver for me. They are mainly for families of alcoholics but drugs/gambling whatever it’s all addiction, so the principles are the same. They show you how to live again, how to regain some sanity, because I know how hard and emotionally draining it is.

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Me neither, if he does it again I’ll move on myself. I do feel sorry for him, but ultimately you only get one life and I do feel like I’ve spent such a big portion of it like you “obsessing and being miserable” over someone else’s drug habit!

Fingers crossed for us both now, it’s such a wasted life! I do hope they manage to stay clean!

I literally despise the stuff! Xx

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