[b8988]

Hi Georgia

I know what you mean about the anxiety, it’s awful! My husband text me the other day to say he had to stay late at work, then again to say that he’d be even later, I immediately felt sick to my stomach that he might be lying and dreading if he’d relapsed! But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I drove to pick him up and there he was still loading the van. I was so relieved, but I realised how awful it is even now, still on edge.

My marriage counsellor said when people experience trauma they seek reassurance that the trauma won’t happen again. So anything that comes up that might threaten our security sends a panic signal. Our body can’t tell real panic from false, but the longer we go without that trauma happening again the less we get startled. I’m gonna try and practise headspace meditation. I need to remember to focus on me. Like they need to continue to see cocaine as being bad, we need to continue to focus on us, and practise self love.

It’s so bloody hard though, isn’t it? X

[b8988]

Hi there, as Georgia has said until he comes to the decision that he wants to stop ultimately this will continue to be your life.

See I was the other way, I’ve always been anti drugs so the minute I knew my husband was using, I’d throw him out, he’d promise to stop, he would for a short time, then start again then I’d throw him out again! Nightmare of a merry go round that never ends.

My story come to a head because his usage upped, his mood became erratic and honestly vile! So I outed him and we both nearly lost everything, but I knew I couldn’t continue. Looking back now, I should have walked away calmly but it’s not that easy when the person you love becomes a monster who lies constantly to your face and won’t stop no matter what you threaten.

Be warned though, my life got worse the minute my husband admitted he was an addict, or at least he had a problem, ( don’t think he ever fully admitted to himself he was an addict) as then they go on to act as recklessly as they want because “ now they’ve got a problem” it’s almost like now you know it excuses the behaviour. My husband before I knew about his cocaine use would never just disappear or turn his phone off, he had no reason to. The minute I knew, that’s when they cut contact as they know they are gonna be in trouble, they know you’re gonna try and talk them into stopping or coming home. They then see us as nags! It’s not really them at this point, it’s the addict.

That’s why if you look a lot of the men on these posts they try and move on or start associating with new friends, they’d never do this normally, but now YOU are the enemy! and these new friends are there to make them feel better about what they are doing!

Basically if you aren’t happy, do something about it! But don’t get caught up like I did of letting him back, then doing it all again. Stick to your guns, if you leave don’t let him

Back until you know he’s 100% serious about stopping for good. You’ll know. He might choose to be single, but it won’t be long before it all comes crashing down. Nothing good ever comes out of drug use. Xx

[b8988]

No I mean when I was going through it all I could never see an end. I just assumes that’s how my life was going to be. I had to change how I reacted to my husband and stand firm against him, he turned it round for himself once I took a step back.

Just tell her you want to be with her but not until she chooses a life free from drugs, then the ball is in her court.

[b8988]

Unfortunately addicts lie continuously even when confronted with evidence then when they can’t lie anymore they down play it or pass the blame.

That’s a good idea about paying over the phone that way she can’t throw it in your face that they couldn’t go.

It’s an awful time but having gone through it myself I can say it does get better but for that to happen you need to step out and refuse to play a part of it anymore.

Good luck with everything.

[b8988]

Well the way I looked at it with my husband when he went to stay with family was, if he is an addict “which he was” it wouldn’t be long before everyone else noticed how bad he was and then would understand what I’d had to put up with. Sure enough I was right. maybe this way her mum will see how bad she is, plus she will at least be there to watch your son if she stays in bed! I’m guessing she won’t really have that much money too either. Problem is she will probably get angry at you for not budging, but if you stick to your guns it should work out best in the end.

[b8988]

Mad part is if my husband relapses I don’t doubt that I’ll go back to acting as desperate as I was before. That’s why it’s important for me to keep attending meetings, just as it is for them, otherwise we slip back into our old habits too.

Maybe whilst your husband is away he might come to his senses. You never know a period without drugs may have brought some of the old him back.

[b8988]

Well that’s up to you. If you know it’s 100% going on shopping that’s fine, but as you said you’re the main provider so I’m gathering she’s funding it with your money.

I attend marriage counselling and I told the counsellor that my husband would never let me end the relationship, he told me that no one had that power over me and if I was 100% sure I wanted my husband to leave I’d enforce it. So all I’m saying is if you really want her to leave, you could make her. I do understand how hard it is though.

[b8988]

Hi there.

Basically ask yourself are you happy? Is his behaviour having a negative effect on you? Do you realistically see yourself having children with this person? Because the way he is now may be the way he will be forever.

I know it’s a lot to take in but you need to set some boundaries. Maybe research realistic ones, whatever you set make sure you follow them through though, otherwise he won’t take you seriously and you’ll end up feeling worse.

You need to seek help for yourself. You need to break away from the cycle to see what you actually want. You sound like you’ve got used to putting up with his behaviour and are now just turning a blind eye to it!

The life you want to live is out there but it has to start with changes made by you.

Someone once said to me “ your husband might be acting insane due to drugs, but you are the sane one and you need to do what’s best for you”.

Look for al anon or drug support groups in your area, they will help to give you the strength to do what’s best for you! Xx

[b8988]

Thanks Hun,

I’ve just been looking at everyone else’s posts since I’ve been inactive and it’s awful! I remember being exactly the same, trying to hunt for clues that they are using, wondering why they were acting the way they were, why they wouldn’t stop! Now it’s kind of laughable, as you can’t and won’t ever be able to understand something that’s not logical! It’s all madness! It’s not until you step outside you’ll realise how ill you become by trying to second guess their every move!

You have to actively seek help for yourself to begin to heal though.

I hope you are good too Georgia. Xx

[b8988]

Hi there. Firstly your son needs to be your priority, if he’s missing days off school and she’s lying in bed, that’s awful! I know you work but seriously I wouldn’t be leaving my child in her care, maybe you should approach family members and raise your concerns. Be warned though, they will probably tend to take her side as she will probably down play it or even worse turn it around on you. My husband did exactly that! They even thought all his drug problems were due to him not wanting to be with me anymore. That was until he went to live with them and he caused chaos there!

Secondly there is nothing you can say or do to make her change, as hard as it is try not to take it personally. Her mind has now been rewired to all things addiction, all the reasoning and trying to get her to see sense will be wasted. You need to focus on you. Maybe seek help for yourself. Al anon was a life saver for me. It seemed odd at first but the more I went the more I got it.

You need to try and build a good life for you and your son. Whilst she is an addict you won’t be able to do that. There will be a lot of tears and tantrums along the way but there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to follow through with what you threatened otherwise this will be all of your lives forever.

[b8988]

Welcome, I haven’t been on for a while, mainly due to the fact my husband has now been clean since Feb. In the past he’d tried to quit so many times, however I think that was due to me threatening to leave etc. rather then him wanting to quit for himself.

I started working on me, I went to al anon, I realised finally that I was fighting a losing battle. I realised that no matter what I did, or said, it wasn’t gonna change anything. So I made a decision to leave and not have contact with my husband, this time though I wasn’t angry with him, I wished him well and tried to move on alone. This seemed to be the turning point where he realised he now had nothing else to lose, me and his kids were the last thing. I think he knew I’d began to change.

Anyway, all the other times he was still very much in an addicts mindset, he was still secretly taking codeine, as I’d find packets etc. I guess that’s why his personality never really went back to being 100% normal. This time however he’s completely free from all drugs. I’ve completely changed how I am with him though. I know that if he’s gonna use, he’s gonna use. All the worrying and trying to stop it happening won’t change a thing, he’s free to do as he wishes, if he chooses that path that’s up to him. Obviously I’ll be upset but I’ll cross that bridge when/if it happens.

I’ve recently had some major health issues, I seem to be having some neurological problems, numbness etc. The dr thinks it’s an inflammation of my nervous system. I don’t know if the stress of all I had to deal with last year has anything to do with it but it has made me realise that I need to look after myself better! No one is worth making you sick! I’m now trying to eliminate all stress and am trying my best to live the best life I can.

I wish you well 🙂

[b8988]

Yes I had him back. Whilst he is trying I’m prepared to give him the chance, however if it comes to it that he’s slipping back I think it will be time to walk.

I’ve had to have lots of counselling both as a couple and on my own. It’s hard to forget all the crap! But I know if I want it to work I Have to try. I think I only have as before drugs my husband was the most loving, loyal and most selfless person you could meet, none of this behaviour was him, it was all drugs. I’m annoyed that he was silly enough to touch the horrible stuff In the first place but I know he wouldn’t have ever dreamed that it would have got so bad!

Everyone’s situation is different, I definitely wouldn’t stay with an active addict though.

[b8988]

Hi there. Your story could have been identical to mine. My husband is now in recovery from all drugs, 5 months clean. His personality is back to pre drug days, although for this to happen it had to take lots of fights, stopping, starting etc. He had to get to a point where his life was getting worse by continuing his drug use.

Everything you said was my life and worse. My husband told me he didn’t love me or the kids as he had no feelings for anyone. I thought he was having a midlife crisis, turns out it was a hidden 5 year coke addiction. I’d been with my hubby 16 years, we were so in love, and happy until Coke came into our relationship. He started calling me horrible names? Saying I was a slag years ago, now I know this was all projection as he felt bad about what he was doing so needed to find stuff on me, there was nothing so he had to make stuff up, plus the drug made him a paranoid freak!

Our fights were explosive, I’d accuse him, he’d deny it, this would anger me more til I would throw him out. He’d then come back and then the cycle would continue. Eventually I turned violent towards him as he used in our home with our kids and I caught him. He’d done it for years behind my back whilst we were in bed but I never knew. He then started trying to move on by adding loads of women on fb telling them all I was abusive and he hadn’t loved me for years, luckily they could all see what a mess he was and rejected his advances. This was all so out of character as my husband idolises me and had doted on me and the kids since I met him.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that what your husband has done is typical behaviour of most coke or just addicts in general. The drug changes them, the need to prioritise the drug changes everything. They become monsters, it’s all so sad! The more they take and the longer they take it for the worse their behaviour will be.

I know everyone says it, but leave him to it, because until you do nothing will change. I had to back up on my promise to leave and not speak to my husband at all for him to decide to change. He said he thought I was bluffing like I always had. The last time though I’d had enough.

Tell him he can’t have both, if he wants to see his kids you want a 3 month clean hair strand test. Tell him to take you to court. He might get worse before better. You’ll know when he’s fully stopped though.

Good luck xx

[b8988]

Hi Georgia, I feel for you, I really do. I do think now’s the time that you take a leaf out of your own book, you’ve given some great advice to others about walking away and leaving them to face the consequences of their own actions, now you should try to do the same.

This will continue to happen, as with addiction “as you know”, they are either in recovery or active addiction. Focus on you! stop texting him! Don’t be there to support him whilst he’s choosing to behave like this. (I know how hard this is, by the way) it’s all to do with codependency. I like you and many others, was so codependent that I lost myself, as my husbands addiction was my sole focus.

My husband is nearly 5 months clean and his behaviour and personality is back to pre drug days, however, I’m always waiting for a lapse/relapse. however, this time if he does, I think I’ll be fully prepared to let him walk. How much longer do we want to put our lives on hold? Aren’t we bored of drug talk? I know that I am!

Please think of everything you’ve been through already, practise self help and even if you don’t feel like it do stuff you’d normally enjoy until you actually start enjoying it again. His ex is always gonna be in the picture, he can’t keep using her as an excuse to go off the rails and neither can you!

My husband used me as the reason he’d use until we went to marriage counselling and it was pointed out that he was doing it to himself, not me! Google (drama triangle) me and my husband were always playing different roles, victim, rescuer and persecutor and so the cycle continued. We’ve both taken steps to come out of the triangle and take responsibility of own own actions.

No matter how tempting it is, DO NOT rescue him!

Keep strong xxx

[b8988]

Hi there. I think you know what you need to do, Hence you being on here. That’s good! At least you’ve recognised that you have a problem, that’s the first step in doing something to try to change it.

You said “in the pub after a bad day at work.” Maybe you need to find healthier ways of tackling when you’re feeling crap. Cocaine is a quick fix that in the long run makes you end up feeling worse.

I’d talk to your gf about stopping. Tbh if she won’t get onboard with you i’d seriously think about maybe ending it. Your health should be your number one priority and if she is using, the chances of you being able to just stop are slim due to the mental pull of the drug. Good luck!!

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