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Hi Hun, sorry I’ve read some of your previous posts. I too am married to a cocaine addict who’s currently in recovery but I feel for you. I know how awful they can be. I think you’ve done the right thing. No one deserves to be treated the way you have, I know it’s terribly hard but do your best to look after yourself. I’ve recently joined al-anon as there isn’t many drug support groups for families in my area but they are all the same, working the 12 steps. It’s nice to meet others who are going through the same as you. I’m sure your journey with your partner won’t just end here, unfortunately with addicts we have to ride the storm of their ups and downs. Whilst he was vile last weekend I’m sure he will soon have periods of being normal/nice, this is when you may be tempted to go back. You just don’t want it to keep being repeated over and over again. This is the situation I have found myself in.
Keep strong (you’ve got this!)
Thank you so much for writing this, it is very touching. I’m the wife of a cocaine addict, I like your partner chose to stay with him and try and support him but it’s a long battle and I’m not sure he can win, if I’m honest, but I appreciate this post to educate others.
????
I don’t think this site lets you post links.
Google 5 lies told in active addiction. On a site called addiction campuses
It made it really clear to understand.
When someone you love has an addiction, by hey sigmund.com is really interesting too. If you love an addict you’ll soon know every website on addiction lol.
I wish you all the best x
It’s part of the addiction hun, my husband had 6 months clean last year but I’d still catch him lying about little things. I think it becomes second nature to them.
I read a post on a different site from a ex addict where she said when you’re in active addiction your lies don’t feel like lies, you see others as stopping you from having fun. Apparently it’s not denial as denial is accepting there’s a problem but downplaying it. Delusion is a better description, they are delusional in their beliefs.
This link here explains it perfectly
https://www.addictioncampuses.com/blog/5-lies-i-told-in-active-addiction/
Ahh that’s nice advice Dan, see that shows how you’re changing too, for the better. Someone still in active addiction would disagree with what we said or downplay it.
I’ve said this loads of times, we love the addict but hate the addiction.
As you say it’s very different if you have lots of memories, years together and kids with the person.
Sprint even! Lol
Haha hi, I suggest you read some of our posts on here over the last few weeks.
If you aren’t madly in love with him, I’d run like the wind!
My husband was fab for 13 years before he touched a drug, then tried coke and my and his life is now a living nightmare. The difference between coke and say heroin etc. Is it is a sneaky addiction, often addicts function well and to the outside they’d never assume someone is an addict. Try living with one though and you’ll soon know.
My husband would use in our home, despite massive arguments and him swearing on our kids lives he wouldnt, hadn’t, he’d use when he was in charge of looking after them, driving the car with our children inside. The mood swings are the worst, my husband hid his addiction from me, I thought he was bi polar, one minute they are kind of normal, the next you’ll be accused of all sorts, if they can’t find anything on you they’ll make stuff up, my husband called me a slut because I’d slept with other men before I’d met him. Never a problem in the whole of our relationship, but suddenly it was! Thats because he felt low about what he was doing and needed to deflect the attention away from his drug use!
He used to be a fab dad, then he became withdrawn, he’d want to stay in bed in the mornings and never want to go anywhere with us, if he did it was obvious he didn’t want to be there. They lose interest in everything and everyone apart from cocaine! They will have no empathy for anything they do to you, you could cry and cry in front of them and no compassion will be shown, you’ll be told to get a grip!
You’ll see all this for yourself if you agree to stay with him and he doesn’t get help. See they agree they want help, they go for a few weeks, then the excuses will start and they will convince you that they don’t need to go anymore, that even if they were offered it on a plate, they’d refuse it, as it’s different this time, but it never is.
You’ll become crazy, your identity will fade away, the drug not only consumes the person who takes it, but it will take you down with it too. You’ll obsess whether he’s used or hasn’t used, whether he’s lying or not. You’ll question everything and everyone. You’ll believe all the stupid stories he will make up, he will go to great lengths to prove to you that he’s telling the truth, you’ll question yourself as he will make you believe you’re going mad! But he won’t be telling the truth, not now not ever!
Coke is the most horrible drug, it will turn the warmest of hearts into ones of stone.
Yes bluebell, that’s the problem with us, we will always be sceptical but for good reason. We have heard all the “it will be different this time!” A million times before. Proofs in the pudding as they say!
Your husbands mood seems all over the place at the minute, I’d deffo say that points to him still being in active addiction. My husband used to cry if I threatened to leave him one day, then be vile to me the next! That’s when he was deep in it, I guess the more you use, the more irrational your behaviour.
Hi there, first off the fact that he did 2 and a half years sober is amazing! I’ve just gone through relapse with my husband for cocaine, although he was only sober for 6 months. He did it off his own back and didn’t attend meetings, which at the time he said he could easily dismiss the cravings, until he was faced with it and couldn’t refuse. He didn’t tell me he’d relapsed, I guessed! He denied it which made me furious! like you I questioned (if he’s had a period without) why wouldn’t he have thought about us etc and said no?
The truth is, addicts are addicts for life, there is no cure, just management. I could have handled my husbands lapse better though. I threatened divorce the day he used again, i then brought up a lot of stuff he’d done to me in the past and he said it made him feel like scum! Instead I should have encouraged him to get back on the wagon and praised the time he spent clean. He then went back on it hard and this resulted in me asking him to move away to sort himself out, he’s only been away two weeks and started using pills (ecstasy) and then coke again. So I ended the relationship properly, since then he’s been almost suicidal and cries everyday saying he can’t lose me. Now I’m back to square one. It’s a never ending battle unfortunately.
I’d suggest if I was you, to encourage him and praise him so he doesn’t feel worse, but tell him you expect him to get straight back into being clean. Suggest he attends meetings regularly to help him stay clean, if he wants a relationship with you. You need to call the shots, otherwise they just look for excuses to carry on using. My husbands are; he uses if he’s happy (like a celebration) if he’s sad, if he’s bored, if he feels guilty, etc. Basically he self medicates.
My husband is saying he can’t continue without me, saying if he had to lose me for good he might as well be dead. He’s cried for 3 days and apparently went to a meeting at a church last night and they told him he was the reason why I’d left and he needs to take responsibility for his actions and be nice to me and lose the chip off his shoulder, he said he cried in there too, in front of everybody, he said the penny dropped and he realised he can’t live without me.
To me though actions speak louder than words, I know he loves me but that’s not enough, not this time! I can’t risk it all again when I’m just picking myself up. I suppose only time will tell what the outcome will be, so I know what you mean Bluebell x