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I agree totally about being the right time to talk to an addict. Apparently there’s a cycle and it depends where they are in that cycle if they are willing to stop or at least to think about it.

When my husband was at his worst using 3/4 times a week he was vile! It wouldn’t have mattered what I’d suggested or threatened he would have told me to do one.

Other times he’s still not overly as pro active as I would be about tips to quit. I do all the hard work, the researching, the links, the success stories, the lot! He will have a look if I see something but he’s not enthusiastic as such.

Other times I will blank him and not do the chasing and he will chase me then, however if he was deep in it, I doubt he would.

That’s why they have to do it on their own. It seems so simple doesn’t it? To leave them to it, if only we didn’t love them it would be easy. I’ve wished for that so bad sometimes, I wish I’d just fall out of love so I could move on and forget him. It’s like he’s my drug, I’m codependent that’s the problem.

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SAE1996- people who don’t know my husband well, tell me to leave him and ask what I see in him, but he’s the nicest person ever predrugs.

I’m just so sad that this happened to him and us, I had the perfect life before this. Now even if he does get clean he’s done so much stuff to me and others I don’t see how we can ever get over it all.

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Yes I come off Facebook when I had a massive rant and decided to out my husband as a cocaine addict who was out of control and needed stopping. I’m ashamed I did that now, but I did it out of desperation as he went really off the rails last year. He went round telling everyone how I was an abusive wife as to why he’d left me, when in reality I’d thrown him out when he was caught using coke in our house the night I found out I was pregnant. I blame hormones. That was before I knew it was an illness and I thought he was choosing to do this.

Danman83- what makes you keep using in the house even when you know it’s wrong? Does something just come over your brain? Or at that time doesn’t it seem wrong? Sorry just I like asking a user like you directly, I find my husband probably through Shame doesn’t like talking about everything in detail.

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Yes it’s vile isn’t it? Off drugs my husband is the most amazing man you’ll meet, everyone adores him that’s why his behaviour is so bizarre.

It’s caused so many problems in our relationship. They say to set boundaries and stick to them but you know by doing this it will make them behave worse. If I threaten divorce now my husband has started telling other women that they are attractive etc. He says it’s because he feels like a scum bag and I’m always threatening to leave him, so these are all quick fixes in order to make himself feel better. He claims 100% that he loves me and wants to be with me and never has intentions of moving on, but then thinks “go away!” too I think, he sees me as a nag when he’s using.

I just keep making allowances because he’s on drugs, as he’d 100% never do these things sober. But where do you draw the line? He’s stolen my brother in laws car and damaged it, along with his dads, both intoxicated to pick up drugs. I mean he could have killed someone. He’s almost at times out of control, he says when he took his dads car it was almost like a cry for help, like he wanted someone to stop him so he could get help!

On different days, he’s different people, I swear! If he ever did cheat or leave me and go off with anyone else, I’d be gone for good. I’d never have him back after that!

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I’ve sent him away to live with his mum 3 hours away. He’s attending daily n.a meetings as there are more down there then where we live. But I keep having him back, throwing him out etc etc. It never ends.

I’m sad this time though as he got clean for 6 months in the summer when I sent him away then, he said missing me and the kids was more of a focus than the drugs. However he didn’t seek help, just kept busy and went to the gym so as soon as he come back and seen it for the first time his brain was straight back to “2 lines will be ok” way of thinking. He says your brain tricks you! I can’t accept that he doesn’t think of me or the kids before he’s about to reuse. Like surely you’d have one bit saying “ no not a good idea” and the other bit tricking you. But he says he doesn’t think of anything but having coke. So how can he ever stop?

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I’m supporting him whilst he’s living away, at the minute he’s dedicated to getting clean, he’s attending n.a meetings most nights. Whilst I feel he’s working at getting better I will be with him.

If I feel that he’s using, and it will show, like if he will stop bothering with me and the kids so much, if he’s grumpy, I’ll get reports back from his mum etc. I’ll have to try to detach mentally.

If he ever moves on with anyone else I won’t ever have him back, or if I find out he’s ever cheated I won’t either. Not because I’m not excusing that the coke has warped his brain, but because when he’s been clean for periods he’s had chance to tell me time and time again and he goes to lengths to prove that he hasn’t or would never want to. So it would be for that reason that I’d end it.

I guess my life is just a waiting game at the minute, hoping he can pull himself out!

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I’m the same sort of but I started a lot of our problems by the way I reacted to some of the drug issues.

My husband hounded me about me having affairs and stopped talking to me for weeks at a time, as he got jealous about me having other sexual partners before I met him. He would imagine me sleeping with them and he said it made him feel ill. This was never an issue before drugs. This is before I know it was drug paranoia, I thought he was depressed. I felt bad for him, although he was making me feel dirty like I should be ashamed that I’d slept with others before him. He really got in my head! In my temper I told him he wasn’t attractive and I could do better etc. This stayed with him and he’d bring it up for ages. I only said it because I was fed up of the mental abuse.

Because he would basically call me a sl*t etc I in my temper started setting my fb to single and blocking him, this drove him wild. He would make up with me, then he’d abuse me and it would happen again. Then in Feb when I found out about the coke I threw him out. He spent the week on self destruct, he added about 50 girls on fb, telling some of them they was attractive and we’d split up ages ago! He even met one for a drink, although she said nothing happened, he was off his face and talking rubbish about me.

When we made up he said he only did that because drugs made him think everything was my fault. I’d been abusive, I called him unattractive etc. He said he just lashed out. But he says in his right mind he’d never do that. He used all day every day of that week. So can’t remember why or what he’d done but just that in his head it was over, he didn’t want to be with me. But as soon as he came down he knew he loved me but took more drugs to numb the pain.

I forgave him but could never forget that he messaged other people and met someone, but tried to accept that it was because in his head we were over and drugs made him do this. In my temper the other week I went on pof and started messaging men to show him what it felt like, he went nuts. But we realised we were both being petty.

Then this time he’s told a barmaid she was attractive, not an overly sexual comment but not one you should be making when you’re married. He said he knows he would never cheat, there is no intention to cheat, but because I’d threatened divorce 2 days prior bevause he’d reused drugs, he thinks in his head out marriage is wrecked, I’m going on pof to get him back for stuff he’s done (on drugs) when he was clean and we were getting on. The fact that I told him he was unattractive stays in his head still coz he feels so shit inside, he says he felt like a ego boost would have been all it was although he can’t overly remember saying it.

I feel now, that with each new thing he does or I do back to him is causing more issues. I never in a million years would think he would be capable of cheating, but now I question if he could, especially if he has these thoughts in his head all the time, I know it wouldn’t be him but the cocaine him but that’s no excuse if it happens. He should go to greater lengths to not use.

Years ago when he used coke behind my back he says he never used to look at other women etc as he was in a happy marriage and just wanted to dance, he said it’s the whole thing. The fact that when he gets off his head now he has loads in his mind. It’s not fun anymore but can’t stop.

Trouble is my husband does bother with me and does shower me with affection, he tells me he loves me continuously and tries to quit! He isn’t overly apologetic about the women though as in his head he says there was no intention of ever doing anything so he doesn’t feel bad like I want him to.

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Adamuk- omg you sound like my husband. He’s been an addict for prob 5 years although I only discovered the full extent in Feb last year. He never thought it was an issue. But he says the first two lines are nice but after that he just feels ill now, but each time you kid yourself that this time it will be different but it never is. He doesn’t drink with his, he uses alcohol when the anxiety of the coke kicks in as he does too much. He said in the beginning it was different and now it’s not fun. He said all the problems you have in your head straight seem to resurface when you go off on one now.

He lost his job last year too for refusing a drug test, that was my fault apparently for telling everyone he was a cocaine addict. He said it got back to his boss somehow. I ignore majority of what he says because everything is usually everyone else’s fault.

Annoyingly enough he had 6 months clean in the summer and his old personality was nearly back to predrug days. It was amazing! Then he relapsed. He did that by me sending him 3 hours away from us to stay with his mum, he said missing me and the kids was horrendous and the focus was to do anything in his power to come back to us and that over rid the need for drugs.

He’s been sent away again now but this time it will be for even longer, I need him to try to rebuild his life on his own, I can’t take the risk of it all happening again. He’s missing us like crazy again and attending daily N.A meetings, I check up on him 😉 so far so good.

Go get all the help you can, you only get one life and it’s such a waste!

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Adamuk- yes he’s a lovely bloke, despite all this. I’ve learned now threats don’t work. I do feel sorry for him and everyone else who’s got hooked as no one would plan on this lifestyle would they?

It’s a hopeless situation for the addict and the ones who love them.

Have you got someone supportive in your life Adam to help you through?

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Think there are a tick box of so many questions.

Have you told yourself you will stop but won’t?

Is it causing problems in your relationship or at work?

Do you use more than you did when you started?

Do you use alone?

Do you have to use all that you buy? You can’t keep any leftover.

Have you been in trouble with the police through your usage?

Are you experiencing financial trouble?

etc etc, my husband started off only having a few but nearly all of the questions he can tick now. That’s why he had trouble accepting he was an addict, he thought an addict used everyday or used more like heroin or crack!

My husband only tried it once at a football match in his 30’s he was practically teetotal before that. He only used to use alone when we were in bed as he wasn’t a drinker.

My husband uses coke without alcohol, but then has to have alcohol to stop the anxiety caused from sniffing too much, otherwise he will be up all night. My husband uses day and night sometimes when he uses, not every day, at his worse it was 4 times a week and then his personality was awful!

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Adamuk – onky trouble now is the he relapsed at Christmas and due to these sites telling you to stick to boundaries I threatened divorce. He then used that as an excuse to carry on using more as if he lost me and the kids he’s lost everything. He then was found chatting up a local barmaid, well he only told her she was attractive, but that is out of character for him. He says it’s bevause he feels like scum so some attention would be nice, and you have a fu*k it attitude so might as well fu*k everything up. I don’t think he’d physically cheat but I’m not happy about his behaviour at all!

By doing this do you think he would be putting the feelers out to move on with someone who he can lie to or wouldn’t mind his drug use like me. He says I’m crazy and there is no thought process behind it as you’re not thinking logically at the time, you’re not planning anything! He gets annoyed when I don’t understand.

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I messaged her to ask her if he had said anything to her, when I found him he was slumped against the bar in a state. He was really pissed as well as having had 2g. It was only him and her in there. So I thought it was odd.

She said the attractive thing was blown out of context, it was just said in passing not in a pervy way but said he made her feel uncomfortable as he was just staring at her weird off his face. As only them two in the bar! But she didn’t look uncomfortable when I walked in she was all laughing and joking. But she did say she hates men they are all the same. So god knows, it all drives me mad!

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Adamuk – my husband is the same. When he’s normal he’s amazing, loving, loyal, gentle, calm etc.

One bad incident was when I caught him using in our house last Feb, he was deep in it then, I threw a mug at him in temper as he was lying to my face despite me having evidence. This was the night we both found out we were having our 5th baby.

Plus he knew about not using with our kids in the house. Well during that week he left me. He said in his head he hated me! He thought I was an abusive wife and he shouldn’t have to tolarate that! He was out of control. He said he didn’t think of me, the kids or the baby. He was adamant about splitting up. Then some days he would message me telling me he missed me etc, then ignore me. He said now, it’s because when you come down you realise you love people and you’ve messed up but you don’t like that feeling so you use to get rid of it! Is that how it works?

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When he’s off it he tells me the truth, he says at the time you think selfishly and in his head it’s all about him. I think he sees me like a nag! When he’s using. Maybe other girls are a nice distraction from having to look at his behaviour.

He’s told me when straight that he loves me to bits and would be devastated if we finished. But on drugs you don’t care! He said it would (as you say) only sink in after he came off drugs what the hell has he done!

Plus I do believe that if he did cheat when he’s not using he would tell me if I asked him as believe it or not he is a lovely person. I never have in 17 years had reason to mistrust him, apart from now. I check his phone etc without me knowing and the only person he ever searches for is me. So god knows!

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I’ve sent him away to live with his mum 3 hours away, he’s attending daily n.a meetings.

Our marriage has turned toxic from drugs, there was never any issues before that. Now I’ve got the worry that he could cheat now too. Although he gets annoyed and says no matter how wasted you were you wouldn’t cheat. You still know your married. I said well what would you be hoping to get out of telling someone that they were attractive and he said they might say I am too bevause I feel low in myself. He always says it’s my fault for threatening him with divorce and I told him he wasn’t attractive in my eyes, going back a while ago but this was said in temper! I feel like he’s only started doing this as of late so maybe he will try and leave me and go off with someone who doesn’t keep on about his drug use?

Would this again be part of the addiction if this was the case? I mean if he believed that the drugs were working for him.

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