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The girl said it wasn’t said in a disrespectful way more like a compliment or in a passing statement he said “oh you’re an attractive girl!” so to me that’s odd. If you were horny you’d surely say more than that? So in a way it makes it more odd! Maybe he’s putting feelers out incase I actually 100% end it to see if he could still pull?

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Thank you. It’s just off drugs he would never be the sort to cheat at all, all his friends say the same.

He still claims that drugs just make you chat rubbish so no logical thought goes into it. Then he says (after I pressed him for a more satisfying answer) subconsciously it may be because he feels like a scum bag and I always threaten divorce and he’s on self destruct, but he says it might be because he doesn’t feel great about himself so more of an ego thing but still wouldn’t actually cheat. I’ve tokd him it’s still totally unacceptable but trouble is you’re not dealing with someone rational are you, so no guarantee it will stop.,

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It’s awful, people say leave. But it’s not that simple. I’m in love with my husband but hate the illness that is addiction. I suppose it’s like being married to someone with dementia, they do all sorts due to their illness, become aggressive, say and do hurtful things but no one would say to leave someone with dementia would they? People think it’s a choice, I mean initially I guess it was but I suppose they’d never choose to become an addict would they?

I know my husband loves me, in fact he’s always been borderline obsessed with me, maybe I was another addiction of his. But I guess as time moves on and the addiction takes more of a hold they just accept that they can’t control it and carry on with self destruct. They probably see us either as being the one at fault or accept that drugs and us can’t be so accept that and try to move on.

My husband laughs when I suggest that’s what he’s doing as he said that would be logically thinking and on drugs you don’t logically think or plan. Maybe he’s right, I mean you just don’t care about anyone or anything on coke so don’t take it personally.

I just found a good site this explains the lies from an ex addict.

https://www.addictioncampuses.com/blog/5-lies-i-told-in-active-addiction/

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I have the exact problem with my husband and cocaine. I feel like I’m grieving for someone who hasn’t died, in many ways it’s worse!

If push comes to shove he will choose me, but not for long and he’s back on it. So the circle starts again, him secretly using, me throwing him out. Only difference is I now have social services involved. My kids will always come first, I am anti drugs! So was my husband funnily enough. He didn’t used to drink or smoke even, just randomly tried coke at 30 years of age and got hooked.

I have lived in hope that he would step up and go back to the man he once was, I’m still waiting.

Only difference is both me and my husband have both said if either one sleeps with anyone else when we have fought or if we decide to separate etc there will be no going back. We both couldn’t get back together after that. Although my husband has started almost putting feelers out to move on. Testing the waters should we say by telling other women they are attractive and making me out to be a monster to everyone. I think he knows deep down what a sorry state he’s in and wants an ego boost, or they are a welcome escape from reality as they don’t know what he’s like, where as I know the horrible truth.

Sending hugs it’s the worst situation ever, but you’re not on your own. Xx

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Yes it’s like they’ve died but even worse, because at least if they had you know that they were a good person and still loved you.

What you’re left with is a monster hiding in the body of the person you love. You can’t trust a word they say, even over little things that aren’t drug related, it’s like their whole personality has changed. This drives you mad and you question your own sanity even though you know really it’s them! It’s so bizarre!

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georgia26- when he started sleeping rough in my garage. My garage is a horrible filthy place, it has a leaky roof and he down the garden. To stay in there at night because he has nowhere else to go in minus degree weather showed me that no one would choose this life. I suppose it’s like looking at homeless people or prostitutes, you wouldn’t choose to do them things would you? So that shows how much of a pull the drug must have.

Although I still get upset at his behaviour, my brain still kids me that he doesn’t love me as if he did he would stop. But I know my real husband loved me to death, everyone says he idolised me, that’s the bit that makes it so hard.

He’s withdrawn from old friends now and associating with local young lads (idiots) (chavs) who probably only take coke recreationally. Although when he’s on a come down he will admit he only does that because it’s part of the drug circle, he’d never associate with them normally. He used to be a really respected man, he was a fireman.

I went mad when I caught him in the pub without his wedding ring and he’d told the barmaid she was attractive, I still don’t know what that was about as normally I have no trust issues at all. I don’t know if it’s becsuse the drug makes you horny although he says if that was the case wouldn’t he have said something more sexual than “ oh youre an attractive girl” or it was as he said he felt like shit and was after attention as he realises it’s only a matter of time before I leave him as I threaten it so often.

He’s moved away now to try and get clean, he’s going to NA meetings and attending church groups although he’s never been religious. I know what you mean though, how will you know that they are trying for themselves? I sometimes think he does it just so I don’t leave him then comes back and it happens again. This time I’ve told him it has to be long term as I’m not going through it again!

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Literally you need to remind him of the man he used to be or rather what he could be like again in the future. Trouble is it depends where he is in the cycle. When my husband was deep in it last year I’d pour my heart out in messages and say people don’t know how I’m coping and he’d reply with “you deserve a medal” he was disgusting! He just seen me as some naggy wife who was ruining his life, if your husband is at that point there is no more you can do for him until he either has a period when he’s not using so much ( brain levels may return to somewhat normal) or he realises that he’s more miserable on the drugs then off! Xx

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Hi, well last February my husband was literally a monster, I didn’t recognise him at all, the way he would speak to me and make me cry, my lovely husband wouldn’t do this. He left me and his kids New Year’s Eve 2017 just ran out and tried to score drugs although I was unaware of that at the time, I thought he’d just become a horrible, vile person. It all makes sense now. He was so far away from the person he was. If I was ever upset my husband would cry because I was upset before drugs.

Then when I caught him using in our house in Feb with our kids in the house and lied to my face, I shamefully admit I threw a glass at him, I blame pregnancy hormones. He then went on a week long rampage, that’s when he started adding loads of women on fb telling them we’d been spilt for ages. He told everyone I was abusive and he wasn’t willing to put up with it, not mentioning the drugs, so I outed him! To everyone. This made him furious! He literally hated me that week! I cried all the time, my pregnancy was ruined then when he stopped taking drugs for a bit he realised what he had done and was really upset he said he loved me more than anything but drugs had made him hate everyone and everything.

He also got like depression in between using, he said he didn’t feel love towards me or the kids or anything. He just felt numb. He said if his dad died at the time he wouldn’t have been bothered.

Try not to take it personally, I’m sure he does love you really, it’s just coke is a mind altering drug, until he’s off it not much can be done. That’s the most heartbreaking thing. Plus I want my husband to come back to normal so bad, I’ve learned that if I set boundaries but am nice to him and try to understand he opens up more. When I used to think what he was doing was a choice I’d fight with him, which made it all 10 times worse. I tell him that I love him and when he’s clean we will be here for him. Although I’m not sure when that will be!

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He says he wants to but never learned the techniques to say no, he’s living with his mum now 3 hours away from us, as social services got involved as i phoned the police on him one night after we were arguing as I can’t cope with him when he goes off on these week long self destruct benders.

He says whilst he’s there he’s going to go to loads of different meetings to kick it once and for all but it will be years before I ever fully relax.

Can I ask you, could you cheat on coke? I know it makes you horny but he says no you still know what you’re doing. But if you do know what you’re doing why would he tell the barmaid she was attractive? He said you just chat shit and stuff you say doesn’t have to be a reason for it. He says I’m always thinking stuff he’s said and done is from a logical point of view and he said it’s not, everything is distorted and messed up!

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I’m paranoid now he will end up cheating on me, as his head gets so mashed up. Think he’s suffering from low self esteem and wanted an ego boost. He said in his head it’s only a matter of time before I leave him and take the kids, then he’ll have nothing. But I try and be supportive but I can’t stand him still lying to my face, even now. Why can’t he just admit he’s used when he has?

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Hi yes I love him more than anything and I know he does me. It’s just I don’t understand it, he says when you get the thought in your head to use, you can’t stop from using even though you don’t want to, your brain makes you think you do. He says you kid yourself too thinking 2 lines will be ok, but it never is, then you kick yourself when you’ve used but then you’re feeling anxious and need alcohol to calm you down or more coke. It’s a big cycle really. He says if he feels stressed or bad on a come down he will use again and if he’s bored. He needs to go to meetings.

Our relationship was perfect we never fought once, never had any trust issues, but the drug has made our relationship toxic, he was accusing me of having affairs when I’d never dream of such a thing. In my temper I told him he wasn’t that attractive to me, as he hounded me for 10 months about the fact that I’d slept with other men before I met him. This was never a problem for 14 years, then suddenly it was. I got fed up of the abuse, not realising at the time it was down to drugs.

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