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In above post I meant love of my life. Typing error.
My husband died from a massive heart attack. He was a functioning alcoholic.
I was in denial for most of our life together as he was a good provider and loved his stepchildren.
I too was married to a non functioning alcoholic ( the father of my children)
My second husband was and still is the live of my life.But I hadn’t realised until he died the effect of his drinking on my mental health. I have spent years suffering from depression and anxiety and spent thousands trying to find a cure.
My husband was in so many ways caring and very generous but sadly always right.
His inflated ego meant it was impossible to win an argument. I have gone along with his plans and at times drank heavily with him.
I have believed all his promises only to be let down.
When I realised that he would never stop drinking I started to withdraw.
In the end after his death this has hurt me than it ever did him.
He was clever, had a great sense of humour and people loved him( especially woman)
His funeral was packed with people telling me how great he was.
I am not sure if there were affairs ?? But their was suspicions or feelings . In retrospect I wish I had followed my intuition.
If I ever questioned him it was ‘ my jealousy at fault) The social functions where I felt humiliated and embarrassed.
I have found since he died things I didn’t know about our financial affairs .
We have lived in some lovely houses and each time we moved I thought things would change .If we moved here ?? we would ———-.
The Jekyll and Hyde personality, The tomorrow we will?The let’s downs because he has to work!!
The illogical mind created by the alcoholism ( which I never appreciated whilst he was alive)
makes discussing anything so difficult it makes you feel you are going mad.
Now in death I can see the manipulations, the lies the craziness.
My anxiety has left me . How can this be ? I am grieving the live of my life??
My future has disappeared yet I am still breathing??
The madness of grieve overwhelmed me. It’s not normal grief as I have watched someone drink themselves to death.
Before he died I was too traumatised to speak . I wanted to hug him, kiss him , tell him I love him but I was paralysed.
I lived in hope for better days. I hadn’t realised they were never going to materialise.
The guilt I feel because I couldn’t save him. The revert that I lived in Seidel for so long and didn’t get help for myself re his drinking out of a sense of loyalty breaks my heart.
If I had realised it was a disease? Maybe I could have ha died it better instead of always reacting emotionally.
The insanity of alcoholism hurts.
The best piece of advice I can give is to get help for yourself first. Understand as much as you can about the disease so you can make the right decisions for you.