[bella85]

It’s hard isn’t? You want to believe him but something in you says he’s not being honest? And what can you do without any proof?

No advice but sending hugs, I know how you’re feeling xx

[bella85]

Firebee, couldn’t agree more. In all of this we are all fighting for that part of our partners that are good and kind and attentive and just when you’re ready to throw in the towel it’s that man that reappears for a short time and we’re back to where we started. In the end I seen so little of that man I almost forgot he existed.

Good luck with your conversation today xx

[bella85]

It is an illness but it is treatable and only he can take those steps to get treatment. I often wondered why my husband wouldn’t just get on and get it sorted but I suppose when drugs and alcohol have such a massive effect on their lives it’s didficult. It means they have to walk away from all their ‘friends’ and change their whole lifestyle.

The only advise I can give is do not let him blame you. It’s completely manipulative and his way of trying to get you to stop ‘nagging’ I’m sure.

In the end I just said to mine- if you want to carry on doing what you’re doing then fine but eventually I will become sick of it and I will walk away. I made it clear that the only person that would be responsible for that was him, I couldn’t say when enough would be enough but the day would certainly come. I stopped talking to him about it and carried on my life with my children and the rest of my family and basically paid no attention to his drug use or drinking. I wonder if when he had to stop trying to justify it to me, he could no longer justify it to himself.

It wasn’t easy, I certainly fell into a dark hole because not addressing it to him meant I didn’t talk about it to anybody and that shit really eats you up inside.

Unfortunately I’m still in that black hole but some days are better than others. I did eventually speak to my GP and got signed off work for 4 weeks which helped a little.

You do have to be selfish and it is bloody hard but just do you and don’t let him put any of the blame on you. Of course you’re depressed, you’re putting up with a lot xx

[bella85]

How strange that we (and many others I’m sure) would find it easier to leave if our men cheated but somehow give chance after chance when it comes to drug use yet it’s almost the same thing. They still lie, sneak around to get their hands on something else, go off and leave us wondering for days/hours on end, make us feel second best and the bottom on the list of their priorities.

I can’t tell you if a lot of men do it, I haven’t had many relationships before this one. Maybe it’s a result of the drug use-cocaine does typically increase libido or maybe it’s a personality trait that our men just feel the need to keep something from us? Xx

[bella85]

I’m just gonna jump in on this one because I can’t relate to both of you. I also found that hubby had been using certain sites that mainly advertised escorts..I don’t know how long it went on for but he’d been using my iPad to do it! And on a separate occasion I’d looked at his emails and seen he’d signed up to the sites. He said it was nothing and he was just looking etc and would never act on it. He would go missing over night etc and say he was with friends-the type of friends that I know he’d be doing drugs with so maybe he was telling the truth. This particular issue hasn’t been an issue for a long time now. I still don’t know if anything happened and maybe I don’t want to know. I’ll tell you something though, when the drug use was especially bad (he’s been clean for nearly 7 weeks now) I almost wished he were cheating as it would have made it easier for me to walk away xx

[bella85]

Alanon is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. They run groups all over the country. If you go to their website you will be able to find out where your local one is. I’ve been wanting to go for a long time but haven’t been brave enough yet xx

[bella85]

Well he told me in the end…I knew that he’d used it in the past and then he started spending a lot of time with a friend of his that I knew did it. He would turn his phone off and go off for hours or overnight. He started off by admitting he’d done it a couple of times. Our relationship started to spiral downwards and I knew inside what he was doing, even though I didn’t really want to believe it. I can’t remember exactly how it came to light now but I do remember being absolutely devastated-I felt completely empty.

In some ways I think we needed to hit that rock bottom, i think he realised he was about to lose everything.

I can’t tell you if your partner is doing the same thing but if you have found clues and he’s blaming a friend then it sounds likely. I’ve been where you are and it’s a total shit storm. Sending hugs xx

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