[BLena]

Hi James

It is refreshing to hear views of a recovering addict and I think that having to overcome hard ships in life can give you a greater understanding about yourself and others and a tolerance of others difficulties.

I’m trying to understand the hardships and road to recovery that my boyfriend is going through – he’s used Crack for about 15 years and is now 60 years old.

My compassion, positivity, love and non judgment gave him the confidence to open up and admit his crack cocaine addiction.

9 months now and the journey is harder for us both than I realised. I’m piecing together how the drug works, because as a person who does no drink, no smoke and loves the outdoors, it is quite a revelation.

– I have never seen aggression towards me and he says other users in the Crack house are noisy and shout a lot. Even with a job he has little money due to the Crack, but doesn’t ask me for money. Will these behaviours change in time ?

– He can quit smoking and drinking for 3 weeks afterwards and not have urges for Crack, but then it happens on week 4. He says it isn’t even an urge. He starts drinking and smoking again and then out of the blue a voice tempts him to get a fix. Why is he not getting the cravings in the 3 weeks before ?

– He believes that there is some dark spell that got him into this and he has a weak mind and easily tempted and there is something malevolent that is sensing I am good for him and wants to push me away as it is scared I will stop his addiction. He says he needs to master this and will try the 12 steps but doesn’t believe 12 steps will help. What is your thoughts on this please ?

– what is he doing for 4 night in a Crack House ? He says he used to be desperate to get home from London and return the same night. He has been going more recently to Reading and says he is ashamed to come back incase I am waiting at his house. This time I have said when he doesn’t contact me I won’t come round. It seems he has still stayed away for 4 nights. It keeps going round and round in my head that he must be having sex with someone, but he says it is not like that in these places. What are the Crack houses actually like. He says noisy, filthy, chaotic.

– sorry but again with the sex…….he is very affectionate and wants to cuddle and hold me as soon as I come round after he comes back from his Crack spree. He is also like this at other times. Yet, he says he feels dirty inside and out. He also is disinterested in sex for 2 weeks afterwards, but there is still intimacy and a deep emotional connection with us. He says his sex drive is going, and it hasn’t been a problem in the past.  When his sex drive returns he is concerned about being too adventurous, as he doesn’t know where this could lead. He used to use Crack and pick up women for sex and has had other girl friends using drugs. To be blunt now, his sex drive and what he got up to with me was through the roof on two occasions – once after coming back to me from taking Crack and second time after having a lot of drink. This drinking episode was was last week. He would, I expect have gone out and taken crack after drinking but he had made family arrangements the next day, so instead waited for me to come round. The next night, he had a lot to drink but did go out and I haven’t seen him since. This is why I am concerned that when he goes out to take crack after drinking, his sexual urges will cause him to seek sex. Cocaine is after all known as the party drug, but I also know that with prolonged use it can cause erectile dysfunction. I also wonder if the reason he feels shame and guilt and doesn’t want to come home Incase I am at his house is that I would know he has been with someone. Have I got reason for concerns that he is being unfaithful ?

 

– I hope to be putting the above to him when I hope he has retuned tomorrow and if it is happening then I will walk away. If not there is the question of building our relationship. We have spoken about so much we plan to do, but he lets me down, is short of money, and really can’t be relied upon. I don’t want him to lose faith in that he can stop his crack but I can’t let him sink me. I think I know the answer, but should I resist getting entangled more- that is him moving into mine, going traveling together, buying something to do up together ?
He struggles to hold down a job, we are on this merry go round of crack, he is going to be taking out loans. We are both going to be in a situation soon that we have to decide whether we move in together.

I appreciate any enlightenment James. I know everyone’s journey is individual but maybe your experience can support my next steps.

Best wishes in your future and stay clean and enjoy your life. I enjoy the highs of the mountains, the music that I dance to, and the comedy that makes me laugh. There are plenty of endorphins whizzing around to grab.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BLena]

Hi there,

I noticed your post as your man has gone missing for days in the past and taking crack. I have been trying to get lots of info about crack online so can pass on what I understand. What I’m not clear about is the disappearance for days. Most are suggesting their partner goes overnight only and then comes home.

My man, is I suggest older, approaching 60 yrs, the same as myself. He has been taking for years, maybe 15 years, and it started recreationally at weekends. It seems he treated the coke as a party drug and would be on a high with his girl friend who introduced him. He believed he could take it and bragged to her that he could then just give it up, but that did not happen. It seems that he has continued and been able to function for years- picking up women after taking coke at weekends, and then working hard in the week on contract, so could fund his habit easily.

I met him 9 months ago, and he admitted his addiction to crack about 3 months in. He would be uncontactable for days and I would be torn apart. I would shower him with love and support in texts and that has helped him, because the blame and anger is already happening in their own head. When he confessed his addiction, I had already vowed to stick with him, as I thought he was having depressive episodes. He would say that he was in bed with back pains and had wheat allergies which knocked him out. He would be sweating and his sleep patterns bizarre. Of course this is all part of the after effects of taking crack. The erratic talking you mention is another give away. Mine can talk and talk anyway for hours but last time he spent hours after crack talking about this guy he had met who he thought about going into business with as a dealer. I sat, listened and tears rolled down my cheeks at the horror of him considering this.

He would go to a crack house  in London and get out ASAP to get back home the same night. The crack house, he says was disgusting and he can’t understand why he would be around such people. There is noise and chaos and madness and he just says nothing and watches, doesn’t take contacts or bring any drugs back home. He stopped going there when he lost his credit card there. The days or weeks he wouldn’t get in touch with me was he says due to the shame and disgust and days sleeping it off. He switches off his phone and breaks arrangements with everyone, even doesn’t turn up for work for days.

Now he goes to a Crack house in Reading, the town which has become the main drug centre of the south east. His habit takes him there right now every month, staying 4 nights, and I don’t get it. What the hell is he doing for that time ? I’m sorry to suggest this and maybe it has crossed your mind but I am plagued with him sleeping with someone else. He hates being in the cold, and these places can’t be comfortable or warm to be just sitting there. He has denied having sex, but does have big problems with addictions and temptations and crack and coke is known to increase the urge to have sex. I have my own place but we decided for me to spend more time at his from last November, as the regular eating of meals together and my discipline of early nights and needing to get up early for work, no drinking alcohol/smoking and my outdoor healthy lifestyle has helped him to get a better routine and aids his recovery time.

But, it hasn’t stopped him. When I go for a run or return home for an odd night he sneaks a cigarette and then starts drinking. He has the resolve not to drink or smoke for 3 weeks after his crack binge, and at the same time is disinterested in sex. Then all these urges take off again in the 4th week and right now he’s gone again. You see mixing drink and coke seems a lethal combination, increasing the health risks of a cardiac arrest. It does though increase the high from the crack.
He says he has not been coming back home because of me being there, and so this time I’ve refused to come over. I told him that unless he phoned or texted me on Sunday, I would not come and sit at his and worry and wait for days. I am at my home but he still has stayed away for 4 nights.
When I turn up in a few days there is only shame, but I have never received aggression, blaming me or denial that he is not an addict and that he needs to listed to me and do better. He wants affection from me and is willing to engage in programs to help stop the addiction. But, this is short lived as he thinks it is something he can tackle, that it is not a physical addiction but a weak mind, that he gives in to the voice telling him to go for his fix.

The crack is cheaper than coke as it is cut with sodium bicarbonate and smoked due to the lumps in it. Sometimes my man feels worse after a fix more than other times and maybe it’s being cut with fentanyl or mixed with something cheap and nasty. He has a rattly chest with the large of amount of smoking involved. He doesn’t have the awful sores or look disheveled but he is getting cramps in his arms and his face looks tired for a few weeks afterwards. He drinks and eats healthily, goes to the gym/sauna which helps and then licks himself up again with a positive and I can kick this habit attitude.

He hardly has any money most of the time and if he does, knows it is likely to be spent on drugs, so the risk is after pay day. He has so many ideas about getting himself ahead and plans to get more money. We have plans to venture off to see the world and have talked about getting some where to live together.

Is your husband addicted after 3 weeks of crack ? Well, it’s known to be more addictive than Cocaine, and seems he has swapped the Coke for the crack addiction.  I’ve read that some people can just keep it as an occasional use, but I’ve also read that once taken that’s it, you’re hooked. The 12 step programme seems good in some cases but if he is a free thinking individual with a resistance to indoctrination and a fear of being a controlling person (which has happened to some of my boyfriend’s friends and family on the 12 step), and doesn’t want to disclose a lot about his life to others, then the programme may not be for him.

People have stopped by swapping the drug for a healthy addiction like running a marathon and there are techniques like urge surfing and understanding triggers.

Im not sure if mine truly can give up. I think deep down he may embrace this mischievous, reckless side of him, and I believe it gives him an excuse to opt out of life for a while. I’ve told him that there is always a benefit from doing something and may be these are some of them. He can’t understand why he does it, when he is likely to kill himself or lose everything ….isn’t that a typical story though.

It seems that love and support can help your husband and this may get him to talk about it and open up too. Denial seems to be common and aggressiveness. I’m lucky not to have this from mine, but I do wonder if I am in some ways enabling his use. The benefit with him being away from me for days is that I’ve started to calm myself and have talked around things in my head for days, have got the anger and frustrations and upset out of my system. I’ve read about giving ultimatums and saying it’s me or the drugs but the drugs always win.

This time though, he will see a more demanding me……I will be pressing him on his fidelity. Is he not now coming home because I will instinctively know he has been with another woman ? Is the guilt and the avoidance of sex, the high sex drive after alcohol, the wanting to keep sex “vanilla” with me, his past of picking up woman and many of his previous girl friends being wrapped up in addictions all indicators of what I am fearing ?
This time I will be stating that the idea of moving in with me from his rented place is not a good idea right now and that getting somewhere together as well as traveling is a high risk for me. I am concerned that his debts will land on my doorstep, that he may be followed home, that I may be arrested with him, that he can not be the rock when things go wrong. He is not there, or reachable, not dependable, my trust is not there when he is off smoking his crack.

Yet, I love this guy and if it wasn’t for the drugs it would be perfect.  This though is the person he is.
Each time it happens I become that bit stronger and have started forming my plan B. Unlike, yourself, I don’t have ties to my man, except for emotional ones. I have to come to terms that this affectionate, fun, easy going guy who I thought could be with me for the rest of my time, can not give me the building blocks of a secure relationship and maybe that’s what really matters.

it seems that there is a very slim chance that our men can stop the crack and so if you’re staying with him think about a gradual withdrawal to protect your emotions and your family. It seems that there are so many of us that can’t seem to leave. Our partners are infact our drug, but like the addict, we have to keep faith that we can kick the addiction and maybe will have the strength to walk away for good.

 

 

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