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Hi Danman, you’re really doing well, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. Do you feel you need it just to feel normal or do you miss the rush? Please don’t give up! I wish my husband was trying like you are. Oh boy! He certainly does have a coke habit. 7 years of use, st one point spending approx £700 a month on it and drinking alcohol at the same time. He’s now £50,000 in debt but will pay that off when we divorce as I am paying him off. He claims he is no longer doing it. This is not true as his behaviour points otherwise. This Sunday he had my two boys (11 and 9) and they told me daddy went to bed for 3 hours whilst they were there. He also picked them up at 8:30 on Sunday looking like he hadn’t slept (he lives up the road so not driving them). He was late as he was “getting petrol”. No he wasn’t, he was getting a bag of weed so he could bring himself down, his sleeping confirms my suspicions. I don’t say anything any more as I am fed up of his bare faced lies, and we’re not together so it’s only my business if it affects the kids. They have phones and are old enough to come home down the road if they want to. They know he takes drugs as they found them hidden in a zippy toy in his car! It was skunk fortunately and not cocaine. My son took it from him and gave it to me! That was September last year. He loves them as best he can. I suspect he is in deeper than I realised. Danman, it seems my ex doesn’t want to give up, despite losing me, the boys, our family home. I think there is a midlife crisis in here somewhere as he plans on starting a record label. He’s been talking about it for years…..
Same. Those dead eyes and the lack of emotion. Last time I cried in front of mine which was about 3 months ago he just offered me a spliff. I suppose there was an element of thoughtfulness there, lol! Although my gut reaction is that he just can’t handle dealing with his own emotions let alone mine, anything to stop confronting the situation!
Has anyone else noticed a serious memory problem? My ex is becoming more forgetful. He has been asking me the same question several times like just minutes after the first time. Or maybe my answer isn’t interesting enough.
Danman, you are doing really well. At least you are trying, unlike my ex, as he doesn’t think he has a problem…
DNAanon, I just want to say that I wish my mother in law was like you. She enables his habit by denying it exists, and wait for it, blames me! His father and stepmom however have been a pillar of strength and support to me and the boys and his dad actually had to step in when his son was being aggressive to me. It sounds like this new gf may be partaker in Charlie as well if they are still together. If you can’t get hold of her either then this is probably the case. My ex actually complained that I didn’t do it and even spiked my drink last year with MDMA when he took me out which caused me to pass out. His words were “welcome to my world” as he took me for a date at a techno club in London. Everyone there was clearly off their noodle and I’d asked to go home. Next thing I knew I woke up with loads of funny lights dancing in the air like ribbons that when I reached out wound round my arms. Strangely I wasn’t scared but just very dreamy. I had only drunk two mojitos so I am pretty sure he did something to it. I am the mother of his children! How could he do that to me? I can’t prove it though but I couldn’t sleep for hours. He denies it.
My point is, if your not in that circle with them, then you’re totally out of it. They don’t want to be with us as we don’t “understand them” I think they have to hit some kind of rock bottom before they change. Clearly getting divorced isn’t low enough for my ex. Maybe seeing me getting on with my life may just be the thing that finally provokes that and make him realise that he needs to stop. But maybe it won’t.
DNAon I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. My husband and soulmate for 19 years had a psychotic episode August 2017 accusing me of an affair I never had. Two weeks later it transpired he had hidden a 5/6 year cocaine habit from me. Over that time I had noticed that the kind considerate man was disappearing but I thought he was stressed at work and kept asking him to leave his job. He got nastier and nastier to me even swearing at our two sons who were only 10 and 7 at the time. He demanded a divorce which after hearing about his £40k debt (it’s now over £50k) I filed for one although it broke my heart that the wonderful man I had loved since he was 21 had vanished before my eyes. Long story short he begged to come back Christmas 2017 I took him back on the condition that he went to Open Road which he reluctantly did.
I had 4 months of relative calm and then it all started happening again the all night stop outs no communication etc etc so I gave him an ultimatum, me and the kids or drugs. He chose drugs! Apparently I was too controlling and overreacted when he stayed out all night. He said he didn’t love me and only came back because he was coming down on cocaine from the night before! I am now filing for the financial order in our divorce proceedings.
I cry nearly every day. I miss my best friend. It is invasion of the body snatchers.
My point is, I think we just need to let go. Some days are easier than others but as they say, we didn’t cause it (although they may try and blame us) we can’t control it (I can’t tell you how many nights I would stay up worrying what happened to him) and we certainly can’t cure it. Only they can change, when they are ready. For me it is too late. I don’t think he wants to change and is quite happy with his life as he is a high functioning addict.
Hox, I worry for you babe. Been there got the t shirt. He is only going to get worse. I never knew it was drugs, you do. I feel I have wasted the last 7 years of my life struggling while he lorded it up. Your other half doesn’t sound like he wants to change and I hate to say it but I think you will be disappointed waiting. He sounds just like my soon to be ex. He is being disrespectful to you. It so hurts, I know how much it does, but cocaine is the most insidious drug, it actually changes the physiology of the brain, they actually do change. Learning to let go is a work in progress. Today I had a bad day, yesterday was a good one. All we can do is take each day as it comes. We deserve to live our own lives. That’s not to say we don’t care or stop loving, I will never stop loving my ex, but I have accepted I cannot do anything to bring my soulmate back and I feel more peaceful. Not happy, but I will take the peace over the constant regurgitation of fearful thoughts that used to occupy my headspace.
Sending hugs to you all.
Thank you Icarus Trust. I did actually send an e-mail to you via your website yesterday but haven’t heard back yet. I do feel I am the one going mad!
Thank you also B8998, very wise words and I know that I have to move on I really do, but I just really miss my old husband. But this old husband existed 7 years ago, that’s when he started using, although I didn’t know until August 2017 when he had his psychotic meltown. He was spending on average £500-700 a month on cocaine towards the end, is that a lot or is that like normal addiction amounts, I seriously have no idea! He then of course has to buy weed to bring himself back down but he smoked that before anyway.
I don’t know what to do any more. He picked the boys up this evening and saw I had some flatpack to assemble and asked if I wanted him to help and then promptly gave me his share of the money to send our financial order off! But I do want that order so happy with that. Not happy having this weird courteous relationship though. 19 years together 12 of them being absolutely in love. He used to write me love letters and write songs about me. He still did towards the end, but they weren’t very complimentary! Lol!
He just dropped them off and was weird. It’s all weird and i’m sad and fed up with it all. I sometimes think how nice it would be to bump my head and totally forget all my memories of him but somehow remember everything else.
I still think Georgia is right about him just wanting to manipulate me when he says that we should spend more time together. I’m very dubious about his motives. We both want the financial order. Me so I know I won’t be repossessed (so long as I get another job) and I am paying him off with enough money to clear his debts. …. I have a good idea what might happen to that ????????. But I think in his head after I get the financial order and he gets his money. I think he thinks he might come back! He is so confident of my love that he really thinks it I know it. Even just 2 months ago I would also have clung on to that hope but today something has changed and I think it is because I have been on here, but I don’t think my ex is showing any signs of wanting to stop. Living up the road from me, seeing his kids but not doing the hard day to day stuff. Not being any worse off financially for living separately due to paying me the mini,um, I think he’s laughing at me! I think my lovely soulmate is just a ghost and I don’t think he is ever coming back. And o don’t need a friend like the person he has become ad he shows absolutely no remorse or kindness towards me or our boys. I wish he showed me some hope like with your husband and Adam and Danman who all seem to be trying and genuinely care about their families. No mine is still firm
Y in arsehole mode.
Gosh! It really does seem we are living parallel lives! I have had I love you but not in love with you, what is love anyway stupid conversations. He told me he asked to come back after the first time he left (after accusing me of having an affair which for all the flack I received sincerely wish I had) because 1. For the boys 2. Because he was coming down from taking cocaine the night before (I did not know this!) 3. Because he couldn’t bare the thought of anybody else sleeping with me. (Which is actually odd considering he accused me of an affair which I never had, in fact hadn’t seen the person for 18 months! So surely in his head I already had?)
When he left me the second time he said I was too controlling as I said I wasn’t putting up with all night benders when I had no idea where he was (somewhere in London) who he was withor what he was doing. I then kicked him out. He then treated me like I was some kind of bitch to me, I even had his enabling in denial mother shrieking down the phone at me accusing me of being selfish! I have to laugh at the irony of it. At least his dad and step mum have been great. But I even got accused of turning his dad against him! So everything is my fault and he didn’t live the life he wanted (to be a musician) and it’s all my fault. The funny thing again there, is that despite saying he is now following his dreams and going to be a DJ and musician (he’s 40) in the past 6 months I have written and finished 3 new songs by myself and he has written…..none. But he has a book with lots of ideas apparently.
I wonder how all this will pan out? You have to take each day at a time or they will send us looney tunes!
I feel for all of us. I tried to,answer on the other thread but i’m having tach problems. Normally I would ask my ex to sort out as he lives up the road but then he would see what I am writing! Haha! That does amuse me!
Well I am half divorced. He wants to divorce me (so he says) as I nag him and am too controlling. Apparently wondering where your husband is after a 24 hour bender is overreacting. I got my decree Nisi on unreasonable behaviour quicker than any other case my solicitor had dealt with, but then again he did treat me badly. Not a day goes by when I do not miss my best friend and soulmate.
I think he has no desire to change. He doesn’t seem to miss me and the kids. He is actually a better dad just seeing them every fortnight. Both my boys say it is a lot calmer now. My ex has no desire to change but seems to spy on my every move, even knew what time I went to bed on Saturday night! I think he was driving back to his flat after scoring something or other…
Thank you both for replying. I think in my heart I know that I have to emotionally detach. There is nothing in the world I want more than to believe he isn’t doing coke but I am kidding myself. I hate that he still lies to me even though we are not together.
Adam I wish he was where you are and has some level of insight but he really doesn’t. His dad confronted him and he denied it to him. His dad now doesn’t speak to him and tells me to get on with my life because me and the kids deserve better. He has said that he will only change when he sees it and hits rock bottom. My worry is whilst I remain friends I prevent that rock bottom. He often wants to hug me, obviously when he is coming down. When he is high he completely forgets me and the boys, even forgetting to pick my son up from school.
His mother is a total enabler and denies his drug use (his mum and dad are divorced) she blames me for everything saying I flirt with men. I don’t! This is all lies that he makes up about me. But she keeps feeding his lies by believing them. It’s so frustrating!
I feel cruel, but think Georgia you may be right. I can’t change him, however much I want him to.
It is the minimum CSA payment that he is making to me but that is significantly less than he used to pay. He also has refused to pay half for a residential school trip which was £300. It’s the meanest I can’t stand. It’s like he wants to punish me when I haven’t done anything! I have just been made redundant so will probably lose the house.
I will never love anyone the way I loved him, but I have put up with some really mean behaviour and think maybe I should just try and forget him. I’m not at all scared of being on my own. I have great friends and I have my boys.
Can I also say how relieving it is to finally communicate with people who understand this crazy world. For a long time I have felt like I am the one going mad. I’m quite exhausted xxx
I thought it was only me that had been with a partner for that long (19 years) and then discovered he’d been doing coke for 5 years. I am getting divorced, because he wants to and because I am worried for my children. Financially I need to separate from mine as he now has £50,000 of debt. The funny thing is, I thought he was having an affair. I couldn’t see his photos on Facebook and other strange things. I guess he wad, with Mistress Charlie! You have to laugh don’t you, i’ve Wasted so many tears on my husband. It breaks my heart but I think I have to just walk away now. I have dated other guys lately and was shocked at how kind and generous they were! It was like a different life! But they are never going to be him, the one that I married not the gibbering coke addict.
He now says we should learn to trust each other again and be friends by seeing more of each other. I think this would be a bad idea although my heart so wants to be with him. It’s probably just another way of controlling and manipulating me as he has already told me he can’t bare the thought of anyone else sleeping with me. I wish I could just fully let go and move on.
Thank you for sharing what it is like to be addicted to cocaine. My soulmate and husband who I was with for 19 years who is dad to my two children always smoked weed. 18 months ago he had a meltdown and said he hated me accusing me of cheating on him when I never had. He then left and demanded a divorce. It was only then I discovered he had been lying to me had £40,000 debt and had been doing coke for 5 years. During this time I had noticed a change in him, the lovely caring man was disappearing before my eyes and he would shout and scream at me and the children. After 4 months apart he begged to come back. I agreed provided he went to Open Road. He went 3 times and said he was cured.
Long story short we had 5 months of happiness then I went away for business and he changed again. During the World Cup he stayed out all night and one night told me he was out to get some MDMA and I couldn’t stop him. When he rolled in at 6am I gave him an ultimatum and said either me and kids or drugs and he said he didn’t love me and so was leaving. Worse he said he only came back the time before because he was coming down on coke.
We have been apart for 7 months. We are sorting the financial order of our divorce out. He moved two minutes up the road from me.
Please can you give me honest opinions on the following;
1. He wants to be friends and spend more time with me. I love the man he was but in my heart know he is gone forever. Should I say no and move on with my life? I will never love anyone else the way I loved him but he has hurt me and the kids way too much
2. He says he hasn’t done cocaine since he left. I suspect this is an utter lie as he is obsessed with money and pays me the minimum maintenance despite earning £70,000k a year. Is this utter bollocks? He is so convincing but I suspect it’s a lie
3. Is it possible all the nasty things he has said and done to me are because of the coke?
4. How much has his weed addiction since his teens got to do with this. I was always laid back about it but now wonder if that’s made him just as crazy
I hope someone can help me! All my friends just say forget the tosser. No-one understands how awful it is to live invasion of the body snatchers. ???? I loved my husband so much it really breaks my heart.