[bluestar]

AaronRyan20 – so sorry to hear what you went through, I went through similar thing myself and still grieving right now. He started becoming distant and gave up on our relationship about 6 months ago. I still can’t believe it, how he just seemed to change into a different person, I even question if I was the one with problem because it seems like I’m the only one who thought he’s changed. His family didn’t seem to think so. And now he’s with another person – looking so happy in pictures. I know he’s definitely using, yet seeing how he’s performing well at work and looking so happy with this new person – again make me question myself so much. Like you this forum has helped me so much in giving me reassurance that he’s doing me a favor by leaving me, but there are still some days when I can’t help but wonder how did all these just happened. Sorry I’m just ranting but I guess we can only try our best to take good care of ourselves. 🙁

[bluestar]

Hi Gardenfence – I came across this post and saw your response, and wondering how you ended up handling it.. My partner had just ended relationship with me recently, saying he can’t be a partner right now, and he doesn’t know what he want. He had admitted that one of the reasons that he can’t be a partner right now is cocaine, but I don’t think he’s at the stage where he’s seeking help for his addiction, or even admitting that he has an addiction problem. I feel that deep down he’s ashamed of what he’s doing, but maybe he just didn’t want to admit it. I sometimes still send him messages trying to encourage him, and tell him that I will support him if he wants to seek help.

However I have the same struggle – don’t know if I’m helping or making things worse. I can’t agree more with what you said “It’s a fine line between being caring and supportive and then being viewed by them as the needy one, and them thinking it’s no wonder they ended the relationship with you. ”

If you don’t mind, can I ask what did you end up doing? And did you end up keeping in touch with your ex? I hope you’re doing better now XX

[bluestar]

Hi Amy1 – sorry to hear what you’re going through. My partner of 6 years recently broke up with me – I think it’s over cocaine though he would just keep saying that he loves me but he can’t be a partner right now and he doesn’t know what he wants. But when we were together, I remember asking myself the same thing (and sometimes asking him) – why would he want to spend all night gaming with his friends and not come home (and have to sleep almost the whole day the next day so there goes our weekend), instead of spending a nice evening with me. I then learned that all those long gaming nights involve using cocaine. It probably started off recreationally like that and then ended up being way worse now. It’s horrible, and until today, I still can’t really accept that our relationship ended this way. Just wanted to share my own story, hopefully that helps you feel that you’re not alone. Sorry I don’t have a solution or advice for you (I too wish I have a magic wand), but this forum has given me much comfort, and I hope you find some here too.

Take care XX

[bluestar]

Thanks Purpleheart – my heart goes out to you too. It must be so much harder for you with kids, I can only imagine. It’s really hard to believe sometimes that things seem to change just all of a sudden. How do we trust anyone after going through things like these?

I wish you the best, and stay strong XX

[bluestar]

Emma123 – I know from reading many stories here that I indeed got a golden ticket, but sometimes it’s still hard to believe that our relationship ends up here. He showed up last week to pack some of his things from our apartment, and we talked for a bit. What hurts me was that that day he looks to be not under any influence, so much like his old self, but he was still so determined of leaving me. That makes me wonder if it was the drug that he’s leaving me for.. or is it something else like he fell for someone else? He just kept saying that he cannot be a partner right now and that he doesn’t know what he want.. so again I don’t know what I lost our relationship to. And that sometimes makes me feel like perhaps I am/was a bad partner..

It’s strange how life is sometimes – as I’m hurting over losing this relationship, life seems to be going well for him. He’s getting promotion and pay raise at work, so hard to believe given how he’s been using daily and how little sleep he’s getting, I would think his work performance must be declining and his boss has to notice somehow. If rock bottom is what he needs to get out of this, this almost seems like it’s going in the opposite direction.. This is such a strange feeling that I don’t know to wish him good or bad – usually getting job promotion is a great news that I should be happy for him, but somehow now I’m feeling like it’s a bad thing and then I feel bad for feeling this way.

I will try to not think about timeline and all the what-ifs like you advised, I know that some things are better not knowing. And some things I may just want to keep wondering until I forget about them one day, rather than finding out the hurtful truth. I just have to convince myself. I hope not too far in the future I’ll be where you are and looking back at this I will be glad that I took the golden ticket, even if it’s not really my choice. Thanks for sharing your encouraging story!

[bluestar]

Hi James – Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kind words. I too wish my boyfriend would stop before it’s all too late, and hope that he is where you are right now. I had sent him links to your posts but honestly I don’t know if he will read them. The last time I asked, he still thinks he can control it and I don’t know if he’s at the stage where he thinks this is a problem. I can only hope for the best.

I saw him just last week, he came to pack up some things from the apartment and we talked for a bit. He looked so normal, seems to not be under any influence. But when he is like that and yet still so determined in breaking up with me, that broke my heart and made me question whether it’s really drugs that I’m losing my relationship over. I wish I know what’s going on in his mind..

I have read some of your comments on other posts, it’s incredible how you’re helping others by sharing your own story. Thanks so much for doing that, and I wish you the best.

Take care xx

[bluestar]

Hi Emma123, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post, your words really gave me comfort. I read your post and am so sorry about what you had to go through. You had it way harder than me, and I really admire your courage and strength to walk away, great for you! I know I wouldn’t have the strength to walk away if he hadn’t left me (I guess I’m one of the luckier ones). I don’t even have the courage to confront him – I had seen weird messages on his phone but I don’t know if I can bear hearing from him that he has cheated on me. I don’t know if I ever will have the courage to ask him.

It really hurts so much, I have been trying to think when and where did it all started, when it all changed. When did the person I know and love just turned into someone so different, it felt like it all just changed in a day. How did I not know when he was using it recreationally for the past year or so? I am also wondering how is he managing to get through 8-hour work every single day without getting caught?

But honestly even after finding out that he’s been using every day, I can’t tell which ‘version’ of him is which. I know that when he was agitated and restless he’s probably craving, but when he was breaking up with me he looked so calm (even though he would keep drinking). Then most of the time he looks depressed. Which ‘version’ is under influence and which one is not? Does this differ from person to person as well?

I couldn’t agree more with you that this drug is hell on earth & turns good men in to the devil.

How are you doing now after the break up? If you don’t mind me asking, do you still keep in contact with your ex? It’s all still pretty fresh for me, and I don’t know what’s the next step for me, how to move on etc.. Past 4 years or so my life has been mostly him (I had moved to where he’s from to be closer to him and don’t have many friends here). He just ended it with me couple weeks ago, and I still have all his stuff in our apartment. I am not even ready to ask him to come pack up his stuff yet (hurts too much to see him). And I think he wouldn’t initiate contact unless he really needs something from here.

I would be lying if I said I don’t hang on to any hope anymore of getting back together. I keep praying that his rock bottom or light bulb moment would come very soon and then he will want to stop. Though realistically I know we don’t know how long that will take, and even when that happens, it’s still long road ahead to rebuild our trust and his recovery. I feel like some days I am accepting that the person I love is gone and come to terms that the future I have dreamed of us together is not going to happen anymore, but some days I’m still in denial. I will keep working on that and focus on myself though.

Hope you’re doing well xx

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