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Hi econrathe, peaches and lozzy.  I’m so sorry to hear you’re in similar situations.  Thank you lozzy for the well wishes and suggestions.

I wanted to update you that l’ve finally left my abuser.  It wasn’t easy and I was so afraid (still am of him) but I no longer live in daily fear.  Before I was able to leave, there were a couple of things that helped me to get to this stage.

First I was able to confide in a few trusted friends.  They made me realise how awful and unacceptable my ex’s behaviour was.  I also contacted a domestic abuse helpline.  I can’t remember which one but I was then referred to a local organisation and I was able to attend an in-person support group.  At the same time I read a book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That (free PDF available online).  That made me realise that it didn’t matter if my ex ever managed to give up drugs/drink, the abuse was never going to stop.  It’s about who they are and it is ingrained in their values.

Life still isn’t easy as we have to co-parent.  The abuse continues in a different form and I think he still does coke as he accuses me of all sorts but with no basis.  But life is better now.  My home is safe at last.

I wanted to say, please don’t give up and reach out for help.  It can feel hopeless but everything I did was a tiny step towards acceptance that the situation wasn’t going to change and a slow realisation that I had to leave.

You can do it I promise x

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Well done James and thank you for offering an addict’s perspective. I’m too afraid to ask my husband questions as he is verbally abusive, angry and volatile. Were you ever like that towards your partner or anyone else? I’m struggling to comprehend his behaviour and think it’s down to coke. However, he isn’t like that with anyone else but me so there must be an element of choice.

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Hi, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can relate as I only realised during the start of lockdown that my husband is a coke addict. Everything started to make sense – the moodiness, the stone walling, the anger, the dirty looks, the verbal abuse. It is heart breaking as I still love and care for him but the abuse is intolerable. Sending you strength.

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Thank you so much for your responses.

Debc, I’m sorry to hear your son is an addict and abusive. You must worry about him so much. I feel that life is a kind of living hell with an addict. There are the rare good days which give you a glimmer of hope. Most days are bad though. I wake up dreading what kind of mood he’s going to be in.

My husband knows he needs to sort it out but hasn’t made an effort to (as far as I know, I’m too afraid to ask him). I think he does coke most days and he also drinks every night too which can’t help.

I’ve come to realise that things will not improve and feel despair. I love him so much but I can’t take any more. He cannot think rationally and is very volatile and paranoid making conversations extremely difficult.

ZoeG, I’m sorry your partner is so horrible to you. It’s hard when you care for them to walk away. I can’t believe the things my husband says to me. It’s true what you say, it’s like a completely different level of nastiness.

Sending you both strength x

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