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You need ask your self if you are truely happy in the situation you’re in.
Partner, house, job, car anything and everything.
Some people find they’re unhappy because they have lots of bills or find a problem and cannot work a solution.
If you were truely happy, you wouldn’t ruin plans or days with the partner. You would make separate plans to get blind drunk that don’t affect what’s more important. If you had no reason to drink for example…
Sounds like you have a reason, you need to assess your current living situation and change what you’re not happy with
It’s not you that’s at fault, and I think deep down you know that, perhaps you were trying to find a cause?
It sounds like a situational based addiction. He associates certain situations with stress, enjoyment, anxiety, etc and either enhances or reduces those emotions via coke.
Once you loose control of your emotions in those situations the harder it is to remember how to deal with them without drugs.
I celebrate my 6 year anniversary with my girlfriend tomorrow who has stuck by me no matter what, drugs, depression, suicide attempts…
The best thing she ever did was kick me out and take my keys.
It made me realise quite how bad it had gotten, and nothing else compared to being sober at home as I had no where else to go.
I never did it at home whilst she was there. I could go for weeks without it, but certain situations like after work drinks, an argument, driving home through town knowing friends are out… would spark a relapse. … then I’d be gone for days without even telling her where I was/ who I was with/ what I was doing…
It’s not that I didn’t care about her, it was the fact I thought she would be disappointed in me if she knew the truth, so instead of lying, I just stayed silent.
We started to talk and She helped me open about my feelings and now she understands that every now and again I need a blow out. But as long as she knows and no plans get ruined because of it then there are no qualms.
That has helped me control and monitor when I do it and has helped me prioritise the most important things in our lives, not just my own.
It’s not easy and takes a lot of will power to say no to friends out drinking, but trust me when I say that no happy person continuously uses coke.
Find the root cause of the ‘escape’ then work on the solution.
… don’t get me wrong, this isn’t always the case, but if you want to work through it together, then that is the best solution, as long as you both genuinely want to change your circumstances, not just one of you.
Now, obviously because of what he’s done it would be hard to ever forgive, and obviously you’d never forget… and no one would blame you.
But deep down that same person you fell in love with 12 years ago before the drugs is still there, it’s up to you if you want to find him.
Personally … as a man talking … I’d be very surprised if he sought forgiveness. It might take a big move for you and the kids to go abroad or to another city to make him realise how bad it’s got?
But don’t worry, when I was a child both of my parents were drug addicts, my mother dragged herself away from her toxic ex husband (my real dad) and protected us for 13 years on her own until she met my step dad. They’ve been together for 15 years and he has been clean for 15 years. I haven’t seen her ex husband for 19 years now.
As a kid it was shocking. But now I’m older I understand the situation and do not hold resentment toward my mother for taking us away from him as we grew to understand she was a victim of him.
In a way I don’t even blame him. He wasn’t strong enough to break out from the drugs, and they are very easy to fall in to… but he was a violent man, therefore that’s where I cannot forgive.
I was raised to listen to people’s stories before you decide an opinion on them. Now your kids are with you they will grow up with a better understanding of the world around them and how just the smallest choices you make have the ability to change someone’s life.
Sorry to write an essay, but your story is very similar to my situation 20 years ago, and I simply wish my mother was told the things I’ve mentioned above to you, all those years ago.
Good luck x
First of all I am heartbroken for you. That is one of the saddest things to happen to anyone, the loss of their mother. Especially at such a young age.
But please take the time to read this as it will help.
The problem is not with you being addicted to these tablets. This issue lies with how you’re dealing with the very very sad moment in your life.
I too am 27 and struggling to cope with depression and anxiety, and have done so since I was a child. My trigger was finding the one man I considered a father figure in my life and best friend to my domestically abused mother, hanging in his room at the age of 27 when I was around 4 years old. – he was an internationally famous musician who supported people like Oasis and headlined at Wembley … so we never knew what reason he had to take his own life…..
Anyway.
It sounds like something very similar to what I’m going through more so recently.
Situational based addiction.
For instance, some people only smoke when they drink.
A chemical imbalance in their brain causes them to crave cigarettes when consuming alcohol in a social environment.
Or even those addicted to weed as a way to ease off anxiety…
When ever they feel anxious they smoke weed as a way to deal / temporarily solve/ mask it… that situation is hard to change as it can happen all the time at random times…
For me, cocaine and drink is my vice. I am addicted to cocaine yet I can go days without it. Same with booze.
Yet when I have a shot, a taste what ever that’s it, I am on it for days … simply because it brings me back into a situation that reminds me I can be happier when I am properly fucked up as my mind will focus on one thing, not a thousand things, and not depressing things either (well not all the time anyway)
But after 10 years of suffering I’ve understood that your quality of life changes by the sober decisions you make as that’s the real you, you may not think it is being on prescription meds for a long time, but sober you is the real you, and will always be there wether you like it or not. Your drug may change, the quantity may change but the sober person who took those drugs will always be the same, but only when sober… so It’s up to you to genuinely decide to stop. If you genuinely want to you will…. and to want to stop you have to understand why it’s better for your well being to stop. (This is the part I’m struggling with tbh)
For me destroying my body was a way of coping … but eventually these drugs will kill me before a natural death, it’s inevitable… And those people who care for me will feel the same way I felt when I lost someone close to me (as mentioned above), yet it will be harder as my death will have been my decision, therefore the sense of purposeful abandonment will be bestowed upon all of my loved ones … in essence they would think: “he would rather die then be around us”
But if you change the way you see these tablets, not as a dependency to take you through the stages of feeling less pain but more of a temporary aid when it gets too much.
Situations like when the social group you’re in start talking about innocent things mothers do like finding embarrassing stuff under the mattress and don’t say anything but you know she found it and the elephant in the room stays there for days until she brings it up at dinner on a whim saying something like “do you like the dinner … oh by the way I washed all of your sticky socks you kept under the mattress … do you want some chips?” … I dunno but obviously that conversation will spark a memory in your brain and the first thing you’ll think of is numbing it by using drugs, which is fine and completely acceptable…
But if you’re still living in the same house you shared then the memories will be a constant reminder of the pain you’re in, thus leading to the spiral of constantly taking the pills.
I know it’s tough but changing your situation to remove the reminders will help you slow the amounts down:
Once you’ve done that Then you truely can ween off them. But you have to believe in your heart of hearts you don’t need them.
I would recommend reading: “The power of your subconscious mind” by Joseph Murphy and Russel Brands book “Freedom from our addictions”
Both of those books helped me understand my brain better, which helped me control my emotions, therefore leading to better decisions, like when to do drugs, who to trust and how to talk to people… but inevitably made me happier as I was put into more control of my mind, stopping my suicidal thoughts controlling me.
Anyway I hope this helps.
I have had no sleep in 11 weeks due to work stress and drugs, finally drifted off then I found your story. This took me well over an hour to write as it touched me.
People care about you, look after yourself.