[brighterdays1234]

Dear Jamesb,

I just wanted to let you know how touched I was when I read your honest and thoughtful words. It’s rawness is a comfort in many ways to me right now. Although I’m sure the pain you have endured when living its reality was quite a different matter.
I am currently going through a devastating break up with my partner of 13 years due to his cocaine use. He is like a different person to me now, someone I can’t believe he’d ever become. He’s  put the drugs before me and our two young children on many occasions.
I wonder sometimes if the last 16 months is just a nightmare that I will wake up from but unfortunately not. He’s spent thousands of pounds on cocaine, lied, nearly overdosed, been verbally abusive, threatening harming himself, manipulated me in many ways. He’s refused to see he has an addiction as he doesn’t use it every day and manages to just about run our family business still. Even though he’s bled it dry of all our savings. When he does use though he does about 11-15 grams in one night he’s told me once which I’m not sure if it’s a lot.

I’ve tried everything I could think of to get him to see sense, GP appointments, antidepressants for his low mood, Psychologists, psychiatrists,  private rehab centres but he says he wants to when he’s feeling really low then when it comes to going he says he can do it on his own and he ll start a fresh the next day. It got so bad that he was having episodes of drug induced psychosis where he was hearing voices and searching the house in the night as he thought men were in the house. So I asked him to leave as I couldn’t have that around the children.
He then was very angry at me because I was trying to put in a boundary that if he wouldn’t stop taking cocaine he couldn’t live here and would have to stay at his parents. Eventually he gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t take him back in the house then we would have to break up. I wanted to pause our relationship in the hope it would make him realise what he’s doing but he pushed me to finish it with him as he kept saying let me back or we can’t be together. When we broke up he threatened he would kill himself if we didn’t get back together then he swallowed a bag of cocaine and had to get taken to hospital as he was unconscious. Since then he’s texting me all the time blaming me saying I’m destroying him and have never helped him.
For me it’s not about love, as I still love him deeply, but it’s about trust some of the terrible scenes I’ve seen how can you undo that. I’m heart broken that our whole family now has been destroyed and the worst of all he blames me for it. Saying I’ve abandoned him when he needed me the most. I’ve tried to do what I thought was best for all of us and mainly our children.
But the rollercoaster of one week okay next week not, a mixture of mood swings, anger, lies and low mood was a lot to take on top of just the general responsibilities of parenting and working.
I question my decisions alot and hope one day he ll see why I couldn’t let him back. I just don’t know what else I can do. I have now started to think maybe I should move to be closer to my family for support because I’m scared if I stay here I will just stay on this awful cycle with him  and watch the man I love turn into shadow of his former self.
Im sorry for the digression but when I read your words it made me wonder if my ex partner will ever feel differently about what has happened and if he will ever remember our life before the drugs. Because I think of it most nights and miss him dearly.

Take care of yourself x

[brighterdays1234]

Hi Smith100,

This sounds like a very hard situation to be in and with two children to care for in the mix it makes it even harder. I’m sorry you are having to go through this experience its horrible.
Well i know from my own personal experience being with a cocaine user/addict it is a journey that unfortunately has many tough times. But it is a very personal experience and no one can tell you what is right or wrong as it is you that has to live with your own choices.

But reflecting  on what you have said I first wondered by saying he could have a budget to spend on cocaine, are you suggesting that you don’t mind him doing it? Would you be happy to stay with him if he continued to use cocaine?

My own experience has shown me over the last 18 months that before you can even get your partner to acknowledge your upset or feelings in all this you have to know what your expectations are of them. Where your boundaries are and what you are happy to accept and what you aren’t.
I never put boundaries in for my partner as I wanted so badly to stay a family with our two children and live in our lovely home in a lovely area. So I almost turned a blind eye (without realising it) to facing the ultimatums or installing the boundaries as I was scared what would happen if he didn’t do the right thing. I went against my own morals and thoughts on what was right and wrong to make excuses for him. I kept it a secret from family and friends to help him not be judged or pressured. I carried it all on my shoulders.
But it didn’t work and the worse times still happened and now I realise the minute I knew he was taking cocaine I should have put my boundaries in then. Instead I wanted to help him because I loved him so I got him to the GP, couples counselling,  rehab centres, psychologists. I listened and listened I took the upset the angry and carried on. Now I realise I shouldn’t have and that no one should make you sacrifice your happiest to try and save theirs. Plus when he knew I knew and nothing changed he still used drugs and carried on living in our home etc there was no consequences for his actions or reasons to why he should stop so the problem got worse until I changed the locks and asked him to leave if he didn’t stop taking cocaine.
I worry from what you have said that you only know the surface of what is going on with your husband. It sounds like there’s a lot he’s not telling you and he is probably addicted to it by the amount he’s used but like my partner he always says as he doesn’t use it everyday so he’s not an addict. Even though over the last 2 years he spent 150k on it and escorts. As the months go on I’m finding out more from loans and individual accounts.
For me I have now got to a point that I have decided to leave him and sell our family home so we can both go our separate ways. I will still be there for him but I can’t be on this constant rollercoaster anymore with him in complete control. It has taken me 18 months to get here and I literally have tried everything, crying, shouting, begging to get him to see sense but I’ve now accepted it has got to come from him and no matter what I say or do will make a difference. He is still very much in denial and even after taking an overdose over a week ago he still thinks it’s not a problem as he had 10 days off from it.

I guess what I would recommend to you is maybe write down some boundaries of what you expect from him as a partner and father. So you know how far you are going to allow this to go. Because drugs can cause them to become a great manipulator in situations and you need to be clear what you will accept. Also I would stop looking at this from what he needs but from what your children need. The minute I changed the focus from how to help him to how I could help my children I felt stronger. As you have to safeguard them in all this emotionally and physically as the mood swings from your partner could cause them to feel unsettled. Since my partner left my children of course miss him but they are a lot more settled and calmer. They see him when he’s not on drugs and I will always encourage that.
For us my partner use to have occasional episodes of great paranoia and hallucinations thinking men were in the garden or work men outside etc. So I got to the point where I would feel scared to have him sleep in the house.

I know our experience is different in many ways but I think it could really save you alot of heartache if you try to change the focus from him to you and the children. As what he is doing lying, spending money and taking drugs behind your back shows a complete lack of respect for you and your family. Unless he has a consequence to his actions it will just enable him to continue and you unfortunately to suffer more.

I hope if you do have a conversation with him you can be clear and strong on what you want and deserve from your relationship. I use to always say to my partner I will help you access support so you can go into recovery and I will support you 100% with this but I won’t support you taking cocaine anymore. I hope your husband realises what he is doing to you and the children before it gets worse.
Let me know how you get on, take care of yourself in the mean time whatever you choose to do I hope my advice has helped alittle even if it was just to show you another option.

Take care x

[brighterdays1234]

Thank you for your kind reply and for giving me some hope.
I have tried to be strong and have made various changes towards me moving with the children. My partner has been very up and down and changed his mood a lot. He’s been trying to get me to talk to him about it all but I didn’t feel he was in the right place as he’s only 2 weeks into his recovery. But he pushed and pushed to talk about our relationship.
Finally yesterday he asked to meet with me as he lives at his parents at the moment to talk which I did. He seemed really well really positive etc. He asked me my plans and I told him that I think we might have to sell the house and me and the boys to move to be closer to my family. At the time he said he understood and that if he were me he would do the same thing. We talked about not being together and just seeing what happens in the future. It was left okay he seemed okay.
Then this morning I woke up to messages saying he had taken drugs again and that he was weaker than he thought etc. it started off nice saying you should take the children and leave to then clearing out the bank account and threatening me. He then carried on and saying he was gonna kill himself and that I had planned everything and I had blood on my hands because I had caused this.

He then took an overdose of cocaine as he wanted to die. A ambulance got called by his parents as he was unconscious. He ended up in hospital and then came round just asking for me constantly so I went to the hospital. He was very upset and said he doesn’t want to be here if it’s not with me and our children. He got spoke to by a mental health worker who was no help as apparently at the weekend they can’t help with drugs and alcohol issues.
So he got discharged back to his parents where he hates as he doesn’t get on with them and he’s feeling worse than ever because hes got no help. I went there to comfort him and try to get him to  go to private detox/ rehab again. I held his hand while he cried and hugged him when he told me he wanted to die. I reminded him how much the children love him and how he can do it.
But now I don’t know what to do! I really am feeling trapped, alone and worried more than ever about everything. How can I support him whiteout giving him false hope. How can I move now this has happened how can I do anything. How can I have a fresh start as I’m sure next time he will succeed in killing himself as this time we were lucky as we found his car but next time I’m sure he ll hide it somewhere we wouldn’t find him.

Any advice I’d really appreciate I’m feeling hopeless xxx

[brighterdays1234]

Hi DanH,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through so much. These decisions are never easy, but the only thing I would say if you have any doubt in your mind that staying with him isn’t what you want then I wouldn’t.

As in my experience it only gets harder when you have children and if he’s struggling now without the added pressures that family life brings the chances are he will find it very hard to cope if you do have children in the future. Which will cause you more years of stress, worry and upset. Also the pure exhaustion that comes with caring for your partners emotional well being as well as your children’s.

I have been with my partner for 13 years we have two children together a house and a business. He was always up and down over the years, depression, talking to other women, drinking to much for periods of time then fine for 6 months then something else would happen. Most recently for the last 16 months he’s been using coke and spent about 80-90K on it so far. He’s been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ADHD as well and looks to me to solve it all.
He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and feels because he had 3 months clean he’s not an addict plus he blames me for his relapse as I wasn’t giving him enough attention.
I know my situation is different in many ways from yours, but I wanted to reply because I wanted to say save your self from anymore future  heartache and leave him.
If he’s serious about getting better great but only time will tell and if after a year he’s doing well then you never know what fate might do but I would say until he’s been through stressful times and coped well without relapsing your never know.
He’s not your responsibility to fix you have to look after yourself and your own future.
I wish someone had said this to me before I settled down with my partner and had children as now it’s so much more heart breaking and harder to leave.
Take care whatever you decide xx

[brighterdays1234]

Hi Knupssy,

I am so glad to hear your new start has been a success. I am at the stage in my situation where I am considering moving away with my children. Not as far as you but 2-3hours from where I am now.

I have been with my partner for 13 years, have two children together and my stepson. For 10 years my partner has been very up and down using alcohol and talking to other women. He’s always gone through periods of real lows and highs, making it hard to get support from him with the children or me emotionally. Ive been very lonely at times because of him. I’ve made many excuses for him over the years, he’s stressed with our business, stressed with my children, upset at his parents or friends etc.
It started to get at its worse over 2 1/2 years ago when I found messages on his phone arranging to meet a prostitute , going to her flat then leaving then asking to go back for a massage to see if it could relax him. He did this while me and his children were asleep at home. I was very upset at the time and thought I’d leave him but he won me round and said he had just used coke with his friend for the first time and didn’t know what he was doing. We started couples counselling and I thought we had hit rock bottom but were going to get through it. I was wrong.
Last June 2022 I found out he had been using cocaine every other day since December 2021, he had been texting escorts he denies sleeping with them, had terrible mood swings, anger outbursts, sleeping all day including on Mother’s Day and my birthday. He said he was doing it because he was depressed so I got a GP appt for him and he started on antidepressants , I also got a psychologists appointment for him for another assessment etc which helped him get a diagnosis. Then last week I got him a psychiatrist  appointment to help him get medication for his other condition as he’s been really low and struggling. This nightmare has continued though as he refuses to admit he has a drug problem. He takes cocaine every 3 days I think but has increased to 11 grams in one session he tells me, he’s barely keeping the business afloat but won’t let me help with it, which worries me with our joint finances, he disappears  for a day or night, uses all night, misses children’s plays at school, gets very paranoid to the point of searching the house for men in the night or thinking people are tracking him. So I asked him to go to stay at his parents as I was worried for me and the kids. As he’s a different person when he’s on drugs. It’s been going on like this for about 16 months now he’s spent £80,000- £90,000 that I know of on cocaine, probably more now though he won’t let me see his bank account details or phone records but all his savings plus money from our business has been spent.
In the heat of the moment he will text me endless messages saying how I’ve never supported him and I don’t care about him and making him stay at his parents is making it all worse and he can’t get well there. But I can’t have him at the house. His family knows and 2 of his good friends know, he has all the rehab details of all local places, we’ve all tried to get him to go, cocaine anonymous meetings, ADAPT etc but it has to come from him. He doesn’t want to.
Even though I love him the things he’s done and said to me over the years and his constant cocaine use now have just took its toll on my self esteem and confidence. I feel like he’s a totally different person and I wonder if I could ever trust him again let alone ever want to be intimate, with him. As I still don’t believe he’s told me the truth about the escorts. I wonder once you’ve seen the other side to the man you devoted everything too you can never unsee it. I feel like maybe it’s time for me to walk away now and move to be closer to my family with my children. So I can secure a future for us. I’m concerned though about moving the children from their friends and school, also I’d have to increase my working hours, but to be close to my family with my own home and to feel safe that he can’t destroy it all makes me think I should.
I worry leaving him will completely destroy him though but if I stay I’m worried it will be too much for my mental health. At the moment when he’s not on drugs he can see the children with me around and I know how hard it would be for my children to move away from him but I can’t see another way out of this nightmare. He’s put me in an impossible position.
So confused, I just want the best for my children and to make sure they aren’t damaged by it all.

Thanks x

 

[brighterdays1234]

Hi,

I’ve never done this before but I really am at a loss of what to do. After reading everyone’s raw and honest accounts of their experience with cocaine. I thought someone might be able to help me.

So I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. He’s always been very up and down. Several periods of drinking, contacting women and low mood. Then it blows up and I’m upset and he’s almost relieved and very sorry. This cycle has been going on for at least 8 years. We have seen couple counsellors on and off and he’s seen counsellors. Then over a year ago I found messages on his phone that he had arranged to see and go to a prostitutes flat while me and my two sons slept at home he got a taxi there. He was also on cocaine and said this is why he did it. But I saw messages that he never went through with it as he had gone in but had too much drugs so left and then asked to go back in for a massage. This obviously caused a lot of upset. I remained to keep going because I wanted it to work I wanted our family to stay together. Plus he said it was the stress of our business and my oldest son had just been diagnosed with ADHD and various other conditions and my dad had been diagnosed with cancer. So I wanted it to work.

Last September I felt his mood had dropped more and he was heading for a ‘car crash’ I tried to get him to see a couples counsellor with me but he wouldn’t. Then his mood started changing, very up and down, shouting angry at me and the kids. I got him to talk to the GP she gave him antidepressants and said he was depressed he took two tablets then stopped. He said he didn’t need them.
His mood was getting worse, he kept disappearing, lying about where he was  and by April the next year I was desperate for things to change. I then found out in June by a delivery of his that I opened they were plastic little bags. I confronted him and he told me he had been doing cocaine, he had sent 40k from our savings in his account on it and he was doing 10 grams 3 times a week. He promised me he would stop. He said he wasn’t addicted. I then found out he had been texting escorts off his phone. He said he hadn’t seen them or had sex just looking through and saving their number in his phone. He refuses to let me see his phone records or bank balance.

I stopped sleeping with him because of this and slept in a separate room. He says that I’m cold towards him which makes him want to use more. He has missed his own appointments for a ADHD assessment which I arranged. He did go to one rehab outpatient meeting and then left and met his dealer and went to his parents when they were on holiday and did drugs all night. Our business is going down the pan because he can’t keep up with anything and I found out he lent money to a drug dealer!! He admitted to me he is now spending £1,000 a week on cocaine but he’s not addicted he keeps saying. He says it’s because of our relationship and my sons behaviour. He’s not seeing his friends and this has been going on now for 11 months.
Yesterday he had chronic chest pain and couldn’t get out of bed. He wouldn’t let me phone an ambulance or GP. I phoned a rehab place for advice and the man reported that the amount he is doing he’s surprised he’s still alive. I got the man to talk to him about rehab but he refused and put the phone down. He got really angry and blamed me for everything. He then passed out and slept all day and night. I was so worried I went to his parents while the kids were at school and told them everything.
I’ve asked if he can stay there for a while. I told him I spoke to them and we want to help him. He got angry and left saying I want him to fail and I’ve sold him down the river. He’s now gone off somewhere.

All my family are in a different part of the country and I’m seriously considering selling the house and moving me and the kids there to have some peace and support. But is that selfish. I don’t want to stop him seeing the kids. I don’t want to make it worse or him use drugs more because of me.  But I’m concerned staying here like this I am going to get ill and my children won’t have the up bringing that I want them to have.

When he’s angry he blames me for everything and says I want him to use it and I think I’m better than him. I’m worried I have caused this somehow. Help any advice I would be so grateful.

My family don’t know so I don’t want to let them down either.

Thanks for reading this- sorry it’s so long x

[Author]

Posts