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Keep us updated in here and I wish him good luck
No worries, part of me getting better is trying to help others though its limited because of the pandemic and often I repeat my advice, I do believe it to be true though!
People end up in active addiction for many reasons. Some people even have very good upbringing in wealthy homes but still end up in trouble. The best thing to do for now is focus on what you can do right now, today and take it a day at a time. He clearly has alot of stuff going on so just take it easy, baby steps and he will get there if he does the right things.
I promise it’s possible to recover. I have seen it
I do know one thing is that I am yet to see a real full blown addict get better without some type of support. He’s lucky to have you looking out for him
Hey Dave
Firstly you aren’t a dirty Coke head. You are a human being who reads very much like a human being that happens to have gotten addicted to coke.
You are also not alone, lots of people have this issue and depending on you and how you want to do it, you can recover.
Addiction makes people do weird, horrible, selfish, nasty things. It doesn’t care who you are, how much you earn, whether you have a nice family, job, home – it will keep going until the bitter end unless something is done. The symptoms at the end sound very much like a comedown or withdrawal to me, and whilst utterly horrible, you can get through them.
If you are serious about quitting you have to be ready and willing to throw everything and the kitchen sink at this stuff.
I always say it’s worth a chat with the GP. Not all are sympathetic but hopefully yours will, and then you are at least on their radar. Be careful about being prescribed certain drugs too, often people lean on benzos but be aware they too are highly addictive. A quarter is alot of gear, its worth getting checked out physically
Try deleting dealers numbers, and changing yours. Avoid going to places where you know you will score.
I keep saying this in all my posts but I believe for addicts NA or CA meetings are hugely helpful. People just like you attend them (and me) and you wont feel alone when you start identifying with them. Meetings run all day every day and there is a wealth of support on offer – literature, meetings, a 12 step programme, sponsorship and also fellowship. They are mainly on zoom right now because of the pandemic but you have nothing to lose going to some and seeing how they are and work
I hope you can find the strength to try some of these things, it isnt easy and at times will be tough – but so much better than being hooked on that evil stuff.
Keep posting and I wish you all the luck
Hi SMK
Lots of my posts have been removed lately asnim not suppose to talk about myself apparently so all I can day is your brother had a similar background to me, and also seems to be in a spot I was.
Addiction stems from many different things and also manifests itself in many different ways – for some people its drugs, alcohol others gambling, sex, spending, eating – it can be anything really.
Additionally he has the PTSD which is going to make things even more complicated for him as that isnt an easy thing to live with at all.
You cant help him unfortunately, but the good news is that if he is ready to get help there is a ton out there you just have to be ready and willing.
A good start is a chat with a GP as addiction is physical and mental and we end up doing all sorts to our health.
He could also speak to a drug counsellor – lots if them operate by zoom or Skype right now.
He can also use AA or NA meetings which will be full of people with similar issues, backgrounds etc. They are also on zoom and he could sit in and observe and see if its helpful in any way at all and perhaps focus on similarities not differences? It’s free, anonymous and very supportive. There are meetings 247 as well all he needs is a zoom account
Hi cath
Thanks so much for sharing and it’s good to find others in the same boat too
Cannabis is is a difficult one – people seem to play it down generally and see it as harmless compared to other substances, but I’m not so sure personally
It also must be super tough to understand whether it’s the drugs, his age or the other stuff causing this, or perhaps a combination of all.
Struggling making friends and speaking is such a tough one for him too.
Had he ever tried counselling at all?
Dont feel ashamed. It isn’t your shame to carry.
Hi.
Sorry to hear about this, a truly awful thing to happen to anyone.
The short answer is yes there is help available right now this minute, if he wants to opt for it.
My suggestion is get into some online NA meetings (feel like I’m in repeat today sorry!)
They are done through zoom and online all day every day. He can attend and listen if he wants and get some identification. People with long term clean time often offer help and support too.
In my experience staying clean is more than just not doing drugs, it’s about being able to deal with life on lifes terms and in order to do that I need to keep in top of everything a day at a time, or eventually slowly but surely I’ll end up veering back to that.
Also let’s not forget you, do you have enough help and support?
Hey D
Thanks for sharing. There is alot in that post so forgive me if I’m all over the shop with what I write.
Firstly in my experience of being in recovery and interacting with addicts and alcoholics over many years there isn’t anything in there that I haven’t heard shared or seen before. This isn’t to lessen your problem mind as it’s clearly really affected you and your relationship in a major way but rather to let you know you are not alone here.
It’s clear reading this that your boyfriend has a problem. When taking it he cant moderate or stop when he wants to. That wont change or get better, its important to recognise that right away. Addicts will often have the delusion that they are in control or can stop when they want to, but that isn’t the case. The drugs will always prevail if you have an addictive mind and personality.
Regarding the other stuff going mention, and being married I’m going to be boundaries and not go into specific detail, I imagine that part of his addiction is a loss of control when using which is why that happened. Quite often people share about this – one thing leads to another and they end up hitting the “f-it” button – later regretting their actions. Often being in the throes of addiction it makes you do things that are shameful, regrettable and things you wouldn’t do otherwise. That’s why it’s such a horrible condition.
The good news is there is help, but it wont be easy and requires alot of effort. This might sound difficult but it’s far better than the destruction living life as an addict as it will eventually strip you of anything good.
There are a few things you could do right now if he is ready to tackle it
Call FRANK helpline to get some basic advice and identification
Check out the many NA meetings that are currently online. It may help him get identification with others in the same boat, they also have meetings on all day every day in zoom right now
Delete dealers names from phones
Self refer to GP to make sure there is no physical damage caused. I know cocaine users who suffered seizures.
Arrange drug counselling – this can be done privately or through the NHS
These are things that can be done right now. I note you said he has had quite a hard life and I imagine there will be something in that that’s causing him to self medicate- if he’s willing to reach out for help then it’s well worth seeing a counsellor as part of a recovery plan to address that and move on
Keep us posted
12 step programme sorry! Typo
Hey heather
No problem at all, helping people helps me believe it or not. Plus I hate the thought of people suffering if I’m sat on information that may help.
I should caveat the following by saying this is only my experience and I’m not a professional- just wary that posts get removed.
Being an addict and being in AA for 12 years, as well as recently battling through an opioid addiction I guess all I can share are my experiences.
To begin with one thing I hear alot is people talking about fear. That fear is generally about anything and everything and is self centred. Using provides an alleviation of that fear for a while, typically though the fear comes back even while using and it’s like pouring petrol on a bomb fire as the self medication no longer works.
Being totally selfish is another. All that matters is me changing the way I feel when it’s on me so to speak. And when that happens- unless I have a defense – nothing will stop me using. Doesn’t matter I have a beautiful wife, kids, house, car, job etc – if I dont have that defense in place then I’m using no matter what. And sod everything else, I’ll worry about that later and I dont think about anyone or anything.
I also hear about cycles in the sense that people feel fear, use, then feel guilt shame and remorse, then use on that because they cant handle their actions or feelings and start all over again. Another common thing is build and destroy in the sense people work really hard to attain or achieve something and then pull it all down again. This is associated with low self esteem and feeling not worthy. I certainly did this alot with my career.
Self esteem is another common one. Not feeling on par with other people. This is usually not feeling equal to others.
This sort of stuff isn’t even touching the iceberg really, and many people have many strands to their addictions.
This is alot to take on, and unless you are the addict it’s going to be tough to understand as what we do makes no sense to those in the outside usually.
It was explained to me once to think of addiction like a tree. There is the root – essentially the core of what the problem is causing someone to use. Then you have the branches which is the way this addiction comes out and presents – alcohol, drugs, food, sex, gambling anything really. My personal opinion is that the addict must find and understand the root to stay stopped and that talks patience and hard work.
This is a ton of overwhelming information I know, and it’s hard to write out on a mobile! To keep it simple I’d advise trying the below first as this is a complex problem and wont be fixed overnight
Get identification for you, and your son, with others in the same boat. That could be posting on here or your son could try some online NA meetings which are discreet and private and just observe
Stay close to the GP and professional people too. I dont believe one method is a single answer to this personally I prefer to cover all angles
Try to get him into healthy habits slowly but surely. Nutrition, exercise, good sleep and keeping busy are not easy, but key foundations in the battle
If you can get these three into place I’m hoping he may be ready to embrace the issue and then look further into it as it’s an inside job and has to come from him to be successful.
For me personally AA and other fellowships were super helpful. They knew my problem as they lived and breathed it themselves and recovered. They gave me somewhere to be when I felt like drinking or using. I made friends in the same boat. I saw people who weren’t as bad as me, and people that had gone on to the bitter end, and there was also a 13 step programme on offer which helped me see my problems clearly and provided a way to live. Not everyone can adopt this, but starting with identification and being around d others is a solid start
Keep posting if I can help I certainly will and sorry for the all over the shop response!
No problem.. beauty of being online is you can sit and observe and dont have to worry about social anxiety
Every meeting is different. Give them time and you will find one that works
Good luck
Hey Cath
NA (narcotics anon) have been super organised during lockdown. If you google na meetings uk it will take you to their website. On there it wilm have a list of local online meetings in the uk. All you need is the zoom app on a phone , iPad or PC – it’s free to sign up. On the meeting finder you out in the day of the week and tons of meetings all over the UK come up organised by time. They are on all day every day. Click the link and you will be let into the meeting. He can sit and observe.
The only thing I’ll say is have an open mind and do a few of them as sooner or later it will resonate and he will identify
Would he consider NA meetings? He can do them online right now, identifying with others on the same boat is huge plus he wont have the social anxiety of meeting as it’s all done though zoom. Could well be worth an hour and half of his time
Hey Cath
Thank you.
What you are doing is very courageous indeed, his physical and mental conditions will add a layer of complexity to things for sure, but there is still hope and alot of support oit there, its finding it that is the hard part.
In your opinion does he recognise these issues or do you think he is still too enmeshed in it to see?
Hi butterfly
Wow reading this really made me identify in certain aspects, I feel for you.
I have a 6 year old who was diagnosed with autism at a young age – I’m still not fully convinced, as he has got older alot of the traits have gone away and I’m not sure people on the outside would know. I did however throw myself into learning about it and went to see a guy called Tony Atwood recently do a talk on autism and his son is autistic and also had a drug problem.
From what I can gather part of autism is struggling to get that sense of your place in the world. I imagine certain drugs would put pay to that for a while and probably help him to feel somewhat normal. The problem is that using always comes at a price and you usually have to pay it back ten fold. Another part of autism is emotional regulation and struggling to understand or see things from others perspective. I imagine this is why he is so angry to some degree, from the outside looking in why on earth wouldn’t you be worried to death about him? That’s natural.
There are studies and increasing evidence linking autism to addiction on the web now – this is purely my opinion but knowing that the neuro diverse moms is wired differently, I imagine substances would help with feelings of being different, separate, outside of the world and would be really attractive to someone on the spectrum. Additionally moderation is also a know struggle for people with autism.
As people have said the first thing is to build support for you first if you are going to tackle this – I imagine the worry and fear around uncertainty is overwhelming, support and sharing is key. There is also a ton of advice and other resource on the web too which will show you aren’t alone.
The good news is that he can recover if he has had enough. It wont be easy with his situation, but it is possible and many people have done it.
Please stay in touch on here and stay strong