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Try to remember that in active addiction, no one is really thinking or talking straight at this point. It tends to be the substance taking over from here on in, and the actions tend to be all about getting that substance and nothing else.
None of this is easy at all, and I think the forum has been super careful to make that clear.
Do you think reading up on addiction from the perspective of the addic lt may help reconcile you with everything going on?, this is to help you not him
Sadly he will have to get to the pont where he has lost enough to make him see sense. Giving him money will just drag this on and on, but the outcome will be the same
Hey Kate
Stepping back for a second, do you not think a great deal has been lost already – look at the impact it has had on you for example
By the way just to say doing nothing isn’t an option, you can do lots of things as suggested above – but for you and no one else.
Hey Kate
OK let’s take a step back and break this down to try and be as helpful as possible.
To start with it’s helpful to understand what you can control and what you can’t.
Things you can control:
Whether you give your son money so he can carry on
Whether you stay in contact with him when he is being abusive and demanding money
Whether you take steps to get support and make sure that You are supported, looked after and have somewhere to go when this gets too much.
Practical suggestions here
No more giving him money. Clearly outline this to him. You can do this verbally, and then follow up with a message, letter or email clearly outlining what you have said. Equally important is you telling him. How you feel. Whether he accepts this or not is his problem, your side of the street is clean and nothing has been left unsaid.
Contact – this is very hard, but unless he wants to do something to change this, you may need to cut contact off. Logically it is not doing you any good at all, you are being abused all constantly. No one should have to tolerate that.
Support wise. You know you can post here and there is support any time. I also suggest a counsellor for you and dealing with the impact on you personally. You can also work on coping techniques here as well. Also, take the time to learn about cocaine addiction. This is for You not him. Understanding it, what addicts are like and how they behave while active will quickly help you make sense of what is going on. There are tons of videos on YouTube, forums and web resources to start with this. Once you learn this stuff you will know what he doesn’t.
What you can’t control:
His addiction. You are powerless over this. The only person who can change that is him.
His financial situation. Unfortunately this comes hand in hand with addiction. Think logically, you bailing him out hasn’t impacted this positively in any way, it’s enabling him to carry on unaware of the damage he is doing.
Finally you cannot control whether he wants to change or not. There is nothing you can do to jump start this. It has to come from within him. The idea that he can be rescued is a fantasy, albeit a very sad and painful one.
Start working on these things. Logically you are in recovery yourself from his addiction and the damage its doing you – this is going to require work on your part and facimg some really painful truths, but you do have support and you can get through this.
Finmy never ever forget none of this is your fault.
You have to stay strong or cut ties. Self preservation is key here. The addict will take until there is kiting else left. Ask yourself what would he be doing now if you were it there
Hi kate
Sorry you felt ignored. One of the things I noticed is it isn’t easy to see who is replying to who here sometimes.
I echo what Cath has said. If you can get him to just sit in and listen to an NA meeting online that would be a start. He doesn’t have to turn the camera on or speak, just sit in, listen and try to identify.
Do you know how to access these?
Euphoric recall is a red flag for us addicts. Tells me that drinking and drugging is OK, will be great, just like the old times, and none of the crap I caused, pain I felt or any of the horrors seem to be sufficiently recalled for me to think twice unless I’m in a good space. Definitely a flaw in the way my mind works!
Hey kate. Well done sticking to your guns. Remember the alternative is funding this habit which could end up killing him anyway. There is no easy option here so stay strong
The longer you stay sober the easier it will get mate just take it a day at a time
Keep strong Dan mate
The good thing about AA is that everyone there had he same problem – and therefore can get support. When she is ready perhaps she can try some online meetings?
Hey Bud
Thanks for posting
Sorry to hear about the situation. It seems that though your mum hasn’t had a drink she was just abstinent rather than sober so to speak, there is a big difference.
Having a drink has triggered it all off again, that tends to happen for alcoholics.
Has she, or would she ever attend AA?
Man that’s full on.
I know that addicts often use methadone and their usual drugs too so doubling up.
Is there any support we can give you on here at all?
Ah I see. OK thats not easy but you always have options.
Firstly, using one substance to come off another is usually just kicking the can down the road, at some point it will come to a head, and don’t forget – he is self diagnosing, and self medicating using stuff likely bought from the Web – you see where in going here. It’s a shame about the doctor but you have some online options with the NHS if he is not helping.
I’m terms of not thinking he has a problem – that’s typical of an addict. We were all there at some stage but it’s pure fantasy, along with the notion you can stop when you want to. I’m not surprised, but it makes it harder for him to straighten out as this has to come from within.
Lots of addicts and alcoholics are lovely people… And many don’t fall into the stereotypical view of who they are and what they are like – it’s because there is so much misunderstanding about it these days.
Could I make a suggestion – would you be open to reading or watching some videos on addiction or alcoholism? This isn’t to give him a pass but give you an idea of what you are up against here as knowledge is power in the long run. I worry that if he isn’t admitting an issue then yiu are going to get stuck.
For me personally I had to hit Rick bottom twice to straighten out, once from drink and once from substances. The hell of withdrawal from the latter was like nothing I have ever experienced, it was awful