Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
You were free of it all and you chose to go back.
Why?
I’m at a point where I’m so close to giving an ultimatum ‘it’s me and the dog or the drugs’ but sadly, I know the answer and not sure I can bring myself to face it just yet.
I tired and alone. I have no friends as all my energy goes into you. But I can’t tell you this as you’d get upset.
Please, just stop taking drugs. I know it’s not easy, but surely it’s easier than this?
Hi there squiggly squirrel,
So sorry to hear about your situation and your brothers struggles. It’s really shit that it’s so difficult to get help as an addict. My partner tried to commit suicide a few months ago, was addicted to opiates and when we went to the gp they literally said ‘what do you want from me’ and they wouldn’t refer him to the mental health team for an assessment until he was clean. Trouble is, addiction stems from mental health issues, if they aren’t addressed then it’s so difficult to come out of addiction and start a recovery journey, it’s an endless cycle. We found out the details for a local drugs and alcohol charity and, because of the severity of the situation, they saw him a week after the self referral. Charities also have wait lists though and he was advised it could take up to 6 months to get on a methadone programme with them. He’s since decided to go cold turkey and that worked out okay for him (not pleasant but the painful withdrawals didn’t last too long) and now has bi weekly appointments to help with the recovery. As he’s now clean he’s been referred for a mental health assessment so the balls rolling with that.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I would have thought that as your brother has been diagnosed with mental health issues, he’d be given the right support with the NHS. Have you tried to contact the charity Mind? I’d advise reaching out to them in the meantime and like M said, let the charity know that he’s suicidal and hopefully that will escalate the support from them. It would also be worth finding out who he or you can call in your council area for crisis support.</p>
I know it feels like a kick in the teeth for him to finally reach out for support and get refused it. Especially if he suffer from depression and psychosis, this situation won’t help. If you or he can afford a session or 2, have a look on councilling-directory for a suitable therapist for a couple of sessions while you wait for support from the charity. He needs a professional to show him some empathy, and support which he’s not getting at the moment from the NHS.I do just want to add, I appreciate our NHS and what they do, but unfortunately our gov has underfunded the f out of it and especially our mental health services to the point that charities have to pick up the pieces and there’s more people that need help than people that are available to help them at the moment.
I hope there’s something helpful in my comment, even just reading you’re not alone in this helps, I know it helped me when I first posted several weeks ago. Your brother needs to know that he’s not alone either, does your local drug service have any online forums or anything so he can speak to others going through the same thing?
I really hope he gets the professional support he needs soon, he’s lucky to have you. Stay strong and best of luck with everything.
Hi m,
I think it has helped. My partner has been clean for 5 days now for the first time since he got addicted to opioids. He’s doing amazingly and doesn’t ever want to go back. Which is all very positive. It would have taken up to 6 months to get methadone treatment and then god knows how long on the treatment before being clean. Cold turkey isn’t advised, but it seemed the best option and has worked for him so far. He’ll still continue his biweekly appointments with the drug service and can now get the ball rolling with help from the NHS for mental health support.
I’m so sorry you’ve had a difficult time with your partner and all the anxiety he’s caused. It’s not fair on you to blame you for things you haven’t done one day and then be all loving the next day, it must be super confusing.
My partner has gone through the same with not wanting to let go and getting defensive but it was like a light bulb moment and now he doesn’t want to go back to the life of using. Hes realising life is much better without the drugs. I really hope your partner does the right thing for himself and you and admits he needs to stop using and life is better without the drugs. It will only end badly.
The hard thing is knowing and accepting that no matter what we say and do, only they can make the decision to stop. I really hope he comes to this conclusion soon. Recovery is much easier with a support network and if he keeps treating you this way, he’ll loose it.
Good luck with everything, you deserve happiness and to be appreciated by your other half.
Hi m,
Happy to hear from you, I’m sorry you’ve had a stressful week but I’m glad he’s back. It can’t be nice living with the anxiety of waiting for the next time though. I hope he proves himself and goes to a meeting, let me know how it all goes.
My partner didn’t have any luck with the gp, they literally said ‘so what do you want from me?’ they won’t refer him for a mental health assessment or given any anti depressants etc until his clean. So I completely get what you mean when you say it’s a catch 22 situation! I would have thought, considering the recent suicide attempt that they would have been more supportive. Getting help on the NHS for mental health is like squeezing blood from a stone.
My weeks been stressful too, my partner was off his head and another weekend came and went and feels like it was wasted. He has been doing much better today and yesterday though so I’m trying to keep positive. He has his weekly appointment with the drugs services today so well see how that goes.
Thinking of you and hope things start to look up.
Hi m, sorry I only just saw you other post too. For some reason I missed it when you posted!
You aren’t to blame to being pushed to your absolute limit, especially him acting ignorant about where he can get help. That would push my buttons too!
I’ve not heard of DBT until just now, thank you for that. I’ve just read up about it and it sounds like it would help him I’ll mention it to the Gp if they don’t mention it – worth a shot! I will keep you updated on the diagnosis.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I haven’t had the thoughts about being replaced easily but I totally see where that comes from cos we’re not getting the attention and support we deserve from a relationship. I honestly think if I left he would fall apart and probably attempt to end it all again. He’s said that before too. Which is why I find it hard to understand why he won’t just get clean. For me, our pup and our future together as well as himself.</p>
The crime aspect you have to deal with sounds so horrible to deal with, I’m so lucky my partner can’t drive! Regardless of all the property damage he’s causing, He’s putting his and other people’s lives at risk.The contradictory behaviour is so hard to understand. I try to empathise and be supportive but when you dont even know where you stand or what their peeved about it’s really difficult. Sometimes I wish that their behaviour was recorded and you could play it back to them when their level headed and see if they can see if from our perspective.
His family situation sound similar to my partner. Not having their family support is really difficult too. I know if I was ever going through something like this, I know my family would always have my back. Knowing that he doesn’t have the same is heartbreaking, and I think makes him slightly resentful of me for that. I get that feeling because he’ll make uncalled for comments about my family when he’s off his head.
I’ve only just opened up to my family about what were going through and they’ve been so unjudgemental and supportive about it all and I just wish I was able to speak to them about it sooner. Finding this forum has also really helped. I read through some posts a year or so ago but only started posting in the past couple of days and it feels good to speak to others going through similar things and understand the dilemmas we face on a daily basis.
We’re strong people who have given up our lives for the ones we love. I just hope our love and support pays off and our partners realise what they need to do to have a future with us.
Xx
Hi navy,
Hes only really been diagnosed with depression and anxiety up until now as he’s never been honest about his drug addiction with the gp. I think now along with talking about other behaviours he’s displayed there’ll be more to his diagnosis than just depression and anxiety.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I don’t think it’s an excuse at all, I think in the past I’ve been telling myself it to justify his behaviour but realised no, it does not excuse his behaviour. I think him having a proper diagnosis will help to treat any behavioural issues though (hopefully!) and get the right specific support.</p>
It’s hard because he was emotionally abused by his parents and him and all his siblings suffer with severe mental health disorders and addiction so I know where its come from and I resent his parents for it. He’s never learned how to deal with his emotions properly so numbs them with drink and drugs and quite frankly acts like a young child when angry or upset – slamming doors, saying horrible things, or giving the silent treatment. It’s just not a healthy way for an adult to deal with their emotions so I hope the right support can help him learn a healthy way of dealing with that. My thinking is, those coping mechanisms are learnt behaviours so surely he can unlearn them/learn something new? I know it’ll be harder as an adult and take a long time, but if hes willing to accept the support it will happen eventually.
@m I feel you, I’m also SO SO angry at what drugs do to a person. I used to smoke weed every day until a couple of years ago and wouldn’t touch the stuff now or any other drug after seeing what it can do to a person. Well done for coming out the other side of an addiction, it’s not an easy thing to beat but is totally possible if the person is willing!Stay strong all xx
It really is difficult to get the help. He was signed off work for almost a year due to mental health issues a couple of years ago and took 7 months on a waiting list to get any sort of CBT. Only now that he’s has a suicide attempt are things happening more quickly – but even when we left the hospital it was all on us to call the gp and find out the local drugs services.
Oh yeah, this happens every time he’s on the benzo’s its like he goes psychotic. I’ve told him how he acts and how it makes me feel but he still takes them every now and then, like he forgets or maybe doesn’t think it’s that bad cos he can’t remember, but I remember everything.
Ive flushed his drugs before, but told him as I was doing it, didn’t like go behind his back. I wouldn’t do that again cos he’s addicted to opiates so he’s developed a physical dependancy on them not just mental.
The gp is now aware of his drug abuse so I’m hoping this will now make a difference with any medications they might give him and also any mental health diagnosis. The drugs services’ are arranging a chat with the clinicians to see what options there are for coming off the opiates e.g methadone.
Like you say it’s a step in the right direction so I’m holding out hope he’ll get clean soon and we can move on with our lives. I try to keep positive, but sometimes wonder if I’m enabling him. Do you ever feel like that?
M, I’m so sorry to read this. Your situation sounds so similar to mine – apart from the going missing for days. That sounds absolutely terrifying! Especially when you know he has the tendancy to be reckless. Does he go through stages of wanting to be clean and talking about addiction like its a burden and then the next talking about it like it’s a saviour and allows him to do all these things he wouldn’t be able to without the drugs?
How much more of this should we take? If this is what they’re like when we’re so kind and loving to them, what will they be like if we decide to leave?
It’s so hard to be in love with an addict, I feel my own self has been lost in the process and I’m just sort of in limbo, hoping he’ll decide to sort himself out. It’s taken years to realise I can’t do anything except support him, but at what point do we support ourselves?
Hi fayzey, my partner hasnt had a diagnosis yet, he has a gp appointment to have a mental health assessment in a few days. I suspect he has drug induced psychosis and a borderline personality disorder. I only see his really horrible side when he’s taken certain drugs or lots of booze. Just this evening we spent an hour frantically searching for his baggy of drugs that he misplaced earlier when he was off his head. Obviously blamed me for hiding them or flushing them – of course I wouldn’t! They turned up eventually, after lots of abuse and door slamming. Hes not like this at all when he’s not off his head. I’m really hoping having some professional support will help him be happy in himself without the drugs. It breaks my heart and he took an overdose 2 weeks ago so we’ve finally been able to get some support with the gp and local drugs services. Let’s just hope he wants to get clean and work on himself. I can’t take much more of this, I constantly feel drained, our lives have been put on hold for years (having kids, saving money for well, anything!) and until recently I haven’t told anyone what i’m going through. I feel so alone.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi bellapop,</p>
Hope you’re doing okay, I’m sorry to read your story and you’re certainly not alone. I agree with fayzey, definitely look after yourself and talking about everything helps so much – it’s taken me almost a decade to talk to anyone about the stress and heartbreak of loving an addict, but I feel like a weight has been lifted since talking to someone about it.My partner suffers with addiction and mental health issues and whilst I’m definitely no doctor have you considered he may be suffering with a personality disorder or similar? From what you’ve said it doesn’t seem like he’s of sound mind. The ‘controlling’ thing especially it sounds more than just cravings. I’m not justifying his behaviour in any way – it sounds horrific for you and your family.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Has he got any professional support apart from CA? CBT, or any mental health support? Is he even willing to have these things? I’ve recently come to the realisation that it’s too much to deal with on your own and professional support is there for them (and also you) – but for him, only if he wants it. It’s a tough subject to bring up, but it genuinely feels like a weight is off your shoulders when it’s not all on you to deal with any more.</p>
You’re such a strong person for holding the family together despite everything you’re going through. I hope it doesn’t take him long to see how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Stay strong and take care of yourself.</p>