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Hi Jenna, I feel somewhat the same as you regarding the kids. Not exactly broody but more recently I have been thinking I might want children but realising probably not with my husband. I know in my mind it isn’t a good idea. So I guess because I’m not sure if I want them or not I’m happy enough to stay for now. Things have gotten better in some senses but I am constantly haunted with the feeling of betrayal. I am so annoyed that I am even in this position. Let’s just say I ignored red flags from the relationship early on and now kicking myself that we are married and I’m stuck in this mess. When it all came out I wondered if this was a sign for me to leave. The problem I have is that he is so loving to me, is everything else I would want in a partner but the addiction and other lies before that have just made me lose more and more attraction towards him. We have been together 15 years so I guess it’s just familiarly keeping us together now. Although he tells me he loves me and wants us to work through this but I keep pushing him away. Honestly I don’t think I can get over it. I have been doing some things to keep me busy lately and that’s great but always in the back of my mind is this situation so it never goes away. I’m already an overthinker so it’s the worst thing to happen to me. Atm I’m just so miserable, if I stay I have to put up with his lies (honestly I feel like a fool) and if I go my whole life will change and I’m stuck with the decision.
Also you definitely aren’t overreacting and you have the right to be angry. It’s horrible to realise someone has kept something from you. For me, he knew that my friends husband was taking it behind her back, told me about it but really he was doing the same to me all along! The deceit is overbearing at times and the lies about the money. How did you find out about his usage? I would say with over time we could get over this but I hate this feeling of not being able to trust someone. I hope you are still having a lovely time on holiday and are relaxing!
Hi Jenna, your story is the same as mine only I have been married a couple more years. I am so sorry you are going through this. I found out in June that my husband was taking cocaine on and off for 1.5 years. I was and still am completely devastated. I didn’t realise initially how bad it was until he released for a while and never told me. That was worse than finding out the first time because this time he told me he wasn’t taking it. He has been clean from August, also seeing a counsellor but I just don’t think my heart is in it anymore. My whole body is trying to tell me “what are you still doing here its wrong” but here I am. I was fine for a bit but this week I’ve just been so down, like the realisation has just hit me again. Mine was also drinking while taking drugs at work so drink driving, disgusting I know. His parents are also big drinkers, maybe not alcoholics but grew up in a party house basically so I know those habits have rubbed off on him. How long was your husband taking cocaine for? To be honest I can’t believe this is my life. My head is telling me I should leave and that I don’t even love him anymore but the thought of selling the house etc is killing me, as pathetic as it sounds I don’t want to leave. He also loves me so much and is trying so hard at everything but I worry its a little too late. The thoughts are also constantly swirling around my head and I haven’t a clue what to do.
Hi em2143, how have things been since you wrote this? I also just found out this year that my husband had a secret cocaine/alcohol addiction using during work hours. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming. Since telling me he relapsed back into it all again only I found it and then he admitted everything saying he didn’t feel ready first time etc. It had been 7 weeks this week where he was doing better, doing things for me etc and then Tuesday night I questioned him when he came in and after having to push him to the limit he said he drank alcopops on the way home because he was so stressed. I felt so betrayed and let down that he just couldn’t help himself. I told him to leave and he has been at his parents house since but I just don’t know where to go from here. It has only been 4 months from I found out but my mental health has spiralled out of control since trying to work out my emotions on this betrayal and constant lies.
Hi ladies
How are things with yous now? I have ready through your stories and I am so sorry that we have to go through these difficult times.
I found out in June this year that my husband was taking coke and drinking during the week at work for the last 1.5 to 2 years on and off but got worse nearer the end when I found out (mortgage payment bounced from his account and I got the letter in the post). Thank god I look after the rest of our money and savings but we could have saved so much more over the years. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me but we tried to move on as we had a holiday the following week. After the holiday he said he was doing fine wasn’t thinking about drink or drugs until one night about 2 months later I asked to look at his bank and he has transactions from an off license that day so I told him to leave. I felt so betrayed even more than the first time as he kept telling me over the weeks how great he felt. Anyway I haven’t trusted him since, it’s been 7 weeks and on Tuesday past he seemed a bit strange so I pushed and pushed him and eventually he said he had 4 small bottles of smirnoff ice on the way home because he was so stressed.
Honestly I was so done he lied to me face there again and I couldn’t take it anymore. Told him to leave and that we were done. Since then I’ve been swaying back and forth over decisions but really thinking of divorce.
He is seeing a counsellor next Thursday but I don’t even feel supportive anymore. I’m completely depressed. The problem is he is always in a good mood, loves everything about me, would never leave me, never criticises me etc but I can’t take the lies.
It’s difficult that he won’t admit it’s a problem, I worry my husband is only pretending he is ready to change too with addicts being liars and that. I can be cynical in order to protect myself.
Everyone’s situation is different, it depends on how he reacts to you when you talk to him about it. In my situation husband is fine to test (even though he was actually using some days before and passing them!) But would your husband react badly if you asked? From what I read they really need to be ready to change and that we will never actually know. Thank you I appreciate it, I hope we do too but I am sceptical at times if this is ever going to go anywhere in the longrun x
Hi She, thanks for sharing your story and it’s heartwarming to see that you stayed. It makes me a bit sad that you say you wondered why you stayed though, if we move on I worry that I will think this in the future. Do you know how long he was taking the drugs for? I think even if hubby was clean in the future would I be able to move on from the past? All the nights he came home denying that he was strange.
My husband has now phoned the addiction centre and is booked in for assessment. The woman said they are completely inundated with calls from people in the last 5 years and that he is not alone. It just shows how out of control it is getting.
That’s awful about his dad, I guess this is just the extent of lies an addict can be capable of. I haven’t been to therapy myself but would you consider it? I’m wondering for you to move on would it be a good idea to delete those notes on your phone in order to move on from the past? Sometimes when I come across my past comments on here it drags me back again so even though talking about everything helps a bit it also makes me anxious when I see a notification coming through! X
It’s hard to know what the right thing to do is. Have you spoken to anyone about it? I think I might tell my parents, I know they will be supportive but I’m scared that once it’s out there there’s no going back. I have a best friend but she split with her husband due to other reasons but she found out he was taking coke in secret for years. I feel I can’t really talk to her about it because that relationship ended. I’m thinking about going to couples counselling because I have never felt the way I feel right now, I feel my brain could explode. It really is everywhere though, so many people take it. My husband got it from someone he works with (construction) and he will continue to work there which is the hard thing for me. Even though I’ve looked at the bank account I just still can’t believe him. I wonder do we really only hear about the relationships ending badly here (apart from Faith who gives me hope) because those who have recovered move on and don’t post about it anymore in fear of dragging their mind back into the past.
Do you share a bank account or can you ask ask look at his? I’m sure it was really shocking to see it was positive when you have let your walls down again to trust him. Funny it is out 4th wedding anniversary tomorrow and I feel stuck in such a horrible place, I’m not even sure if I can find the love after this.
Hi Debbie
That is devastating, I have previously read your comments and sorry this has happened. Has he admitted to having a problem or going to see someone? There is an addiction centre in my town and husband said he is going to call today as he wants to see someone.
I found out 3 weeks ago my husband was still using 2 months after telling me about everything and in those 2 months he continued but let on he was clean. I threw him out and he said one night he came back just for a chat and told me everything. He said since that (3 weeks ago) it was the realisation for him as he told me everything and hasn’t taken anything since. He has seemed normal and there aren’t any large suspicious transactions from his account but it’s just so hard to trust again. We don’t have children and I wonder if it’s best for me to just leave now. We have been together for 15 years so he is all I know in a relationshipship.
I actually was testing him on and off during those 2 months and the tests were coming up negative even though he would have used a day or 2 before so I just wish I had better tests. Tbh I don’t even think I want a life of testing and checking the bank account. I know the best thing for me is to leave but I know its going to be so difficult.
Hi Debbie
That is devastating, I have previously read your comments and sorry this has happened. Has he admitted to having a problem or going to see someone? There is an addiction centre in my town and husband said he is going to call today as he wants to see someone.
I found out 3 weeks ago my husband was still using 2 months after telling me about everything and in those 2 months he continued but let on he was clean. I threw him out and he said one night he came back just for a chat and told me everything. He said since that (3 weeks ago) it was the realisation for him as he told me everything and hasn’t taken anything since. He has seemed normal and there aren’t any large suspicious transactions from his account but it’s just so hard to trust again. We don’t have children and I wonder if it’s best for me to just leave now. We have been together for 15 years so he is all I know in a relationshipship.
I actually was testing him on and off during those 2 months and the tests were coming up negative even though he would have used a day or 2 before so I just wish I had better tests. Tbh I don’t even think I want a life of testing and checking the bank account. I know the best thing for me is to leave but I know its going to be so difficult.
Hi all, I need to get this off my chest somewhere. I found out two days ago husband was still taking beers during work as I asked to see his bank statements. He said he was buying for someone else but I told him to pack a bag and get out. He has been at his parents for the 3rd night tonight and he has just admitted to me on the phone that he has also been taking coke the odd time even though we have been testing at home (less frequently recently due to me starting to trust him more) and has been telling me complete lies about how he hasn’t taken anything at all since he gave it up in June.
To say I am devastated is an understatement. Its like he wants to hurt me and our relationship. He is coming back here tomorrow to talk and we have a tripped booked for next weekend but honestly I feel sick to my stomach. I haven’t even cried I’m in that much shock right now.
I feel like this is the beginning of the end. I told him last time if this happened again its over and he didn’t listen. I would be stupid to let him come back. The thought of going through a divorce and finding a suitable place for me and my cats is tearing me apart I can’t believe it.
Hi fayzey so sorry to hear you are going through this. Do you know how long this is going on for? Will he sit down with you and have a conversation to go through it all? It can really be heart wrenching and I myself don’t know where my feelings lie in my situation. Husband lied to me for 1.5 years and I only recently found out. I hope you’re doing OK xx
Hi FaithNotFear, sorry for the late response. It has been quiet on this forum lately. We have been doing OK the past while, he has been taking the drug tests which have been positive and he has no problem taking them (although sometimes he can feel a bit offended). I believe that he hasn’t taken cocaine from he told me but sometimes it just hits me how much he lied to me and how long for. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to break up but there’s also another part that I don’t think is able to get over the betrayal.
We had been doing fine lately but yesterday it just hit me again and I’ve been feeling down about it since. I’ve been reading old posts from people on reddit and mumsnet and I’m not sure whether I’m just naive for staying in my situation or if those commenting are being harsh not having lived in the situation themselves.
We don’t have children, I’m sad he took cocaine for about 1.5 years without me knowing and lied to my face every time when I asked why he would come in acting strange sometimes (I thought it was drink never once thought cocaine). As we don’t have children we don’t have the stresses other families may have so not sure why he would start doing it.
Sometimes I think he sounds a little different coming in from work like before but the tests are always negative and he says he’s just wrecked (construction worker).
I suppose I’m just looking to vent my feelings as I don’t want to speak to friends and family over fear of being judged. I also think telling people will be the end of our relationship. I have a close friend who’s just ended her marriage due to other reasons but he was also taking cocaine without her knowing. She only told me this when she decided to end the marriage. I think because she has ended hers that it’s playing on my mind why I should stick around after having been lied to.
Husband hasn’t drank either from he came clean about the coke which shows he is being serious but I feel like I can be living on eggshells just waiting on the disappointment again even though he insists he will never lie to me again. Its just hard to know if he will tell me the truth, I’ve made it very clear that if he lies again that is it.
Is anyone else having a hard time at the thought of ending things?
Hi! Do you think you would have stayed if it was just the drugs and not the behaviour before? We have had problems before maybe twice where he has had a drink and not told me, and the only problem in our relationship was the drinking and drugs. Even though the drinking wasn’t necessarily a problem he had done stupid things like had a beer or two and drove home even though he knows not to. So he has said he is done with drinking also and that he feels better not having had drink or drugs in 2 weeks. He said he is looking forward to this next chapter but I just feel down about it all.
We talked about it yesterday but I feel stuck in a rut and it frustrates him at times because although he accepts the mistakes he wants us to move forward but I struggle. I’ve never done anything to hurt him before so in that sense I don’t think he understands.
The drug tests came today, he actually told me to get alcohol ones too so he can prove both. I just worry that he will slowly go back to the drink and maybe the drugs and when I voice this he says he won’t and to let him prove it to me. I just feel down the line there is a looming disappointment and maybe that’s the wrong way to look at it but I feel like I want to prepare myself.
I have even standoffish but today I woke up feeling better about moving forward.
I get a pang of pain when people say they would leave if they didn’t have children and I feel thats what maybe is best as we have no ties like that but then I feel we should maybe give it another shot as this is the only problem we have. Even during the drugs he didn’t take them every day and his behaviour was pretty much normal. There were days I knew something was up and I used to ask if he had taken something or had a drink because his voice was different but he always completely denied it and that’s what kills me, because he lied directly to my face.
I think I want to keep trying for now but when I think of leaving I sort of get a sense of relief. If this was the only problem in a relationship would you be inclined to give it another chance? As I said above he’s let me down before regarding drink etc.
Hope you’re having a good day today! X