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I feel the exact same way. I found out my husband was hiding his cocaine use from me about 6 months ago. It got out of control and he stopped coming home and left me said the same thing – not to do with the coke he was just unhappy. Before the cocaine use we were extremely happy. They will never own up to anything or take accountability nothing is their fault. I’m so sorry. I know it’s so confusing and hurtful. I’ve found a therapist which has been very helpful and have also had to go as far as start anxiety medication. It is a whole grieving process. Just ask yourself is this the life for me the life of cocaine and lies and I’m sure it’s not. Just sad it has to be this way for us the partners. Just know there’s lots of us who understand. This website is so helpful. I also suggest the Love Over Addiction podcast. This is our chance to grow. Xo
It sounds like he is absolutely using cocaine. They always deny. My husband would always be up down and around happy sad angry depressed and I found out he was abusing cocaine. In the same breath he admitted to using it “he was already done with it” then would later admit it was out of hand after that. They can’t tell the truth about anything. My husband hid it from me “cause I would overreact”. He lied, cheated, spent all our money and left me. It’s been about 5 months and after a lot of therapy and self care I am at a much better place. A life full of all that is not a life I want to live. It will be undeniable the longer this goes on for you. Tough when you’re the only one who sees it too. Sending love. You are not alone. Xo
My husband who left me for another woman (he only admits this some of the time – but I have to remember I’m not an idiot this is what’s going on) also claims to be off coke now. But nothing he does makes sense. They are such liars. You do not deserve this life there is something much better out there as heartbreaking as this all is. I’m so sorry she’s done you real dirty and is just a user and abuser. Please try and do some self healing. I’ve read a book called “the untethered soul” that has been helpful. As well as therapy. I’m also on anxiety medication that I believe has helped me. They don’t see what we go through. My husband barely sees that he’s done anything wrong. My therapist reminds me that exiting a marriage with lying, cheating, and drug use is not normal. Praying for you and please take care.
Girl, you are NOT crazy. The drugs have his brain completely messed up. The things addicts rationalize in their minds will not make sense to sober and clear minded humans! My husband (separated) has not taken accountability for using drugs behind my back, talking to other women, living a double life. He blamed it on our “unhappy” marriage which was news to me. They will never see anything as their fault. Always you or an excuse. You don’t want to be involved with someone abusing drugs like this. It is not healthy! Please take this opportunity to think about what you deserve and want in a loving relationship. I know it’s hard to deal with and I found not a lot of people understand aside from members of this amazing forum. Don’t take the manipulation cause you’re right that’s exactly what he’s doing. It’s good that you can already see that cause it took me a long time. Take care and always here xo
My “husband” (separated now) is always telling me I’m making stuff up… things he’s said about me, drugs, anything. These horrible things are engraved in my mind and his response is I NEVER SAID THAT! I don’t know where you’re getting that from! I’m not even arguing with you on that one! It never happened! They make you think you’re crazy and it takes a big toll on your mental health. I’ve been listening to this podcast called “love over addiction” (you can just google it) it’s been helping me a lot. Take care of yourself – you are what’s important and it’s up to us to grow from all this. Xo
When I told my husbands parents about the coke problem, they said “he seems fine when we talk to him”. It is so easy to hide this addiction unless you literally are in a relationship or live with the person. My husband has got everyone convinced he’s got no problem and he was sooo unhappy in our marriage and that was the only problem. Even though until the drugs came along he was “obsessed with me” and “loved me more than anything”. I know deep down he cheated (I found messages, he’s now admitted his with this woman). I think he is so ashamed of everything he’s done on this drug that he’s run away from it all. He sleeps on a friends couch now. Left me and all our wonderful hopes and dreams. It’s really sad. He’s convinced our friends that I’m a liar basically. It’s really really hard. I have grown more than I have in these 4 months than I have in my entire life though. Please reach out if you need anything, I check the site almost every day still for support and just reading others stories helps me to remember the reality of the situation
Hey there.
I’m so sorry to hear what your going through. What he’s doing does sound familiar to me with my situation as well. They don’t like to face anyone who is calling them out about the drugs. I’ve been through a really hard time with this. My husband left me after he started acting extremely weird – not coming home, lying, extreme mood swings. I found out about the coke through messages I found on our computer. He said he wasn’t happy and didn’t want our marriage anymore. Still says it has nothing to do with the drugs although he’s also said ‘it got out of hand’ during that period but then he will turn around and also say he’s only done it 4 times and never spent money on it (all of our money is also gone). Basically I feel like they just lie and run and hide because they are not ready to face they people they are hurting the most. It turning messy with us now as friends are getting involved and think I’m making all this up as he is such a good manipulator at this point. He was such a great man before. We had just bought a new car together and signed a new lease right before this all happened. He admits he had no intention of leaving me. Nothing makes sense. Just trying to get on with my life now. I also moved to another country to be with him so am very alone here. I understand how hard this all is. In the end all you have is yourself I’ve come to find out. He is ashamed of all the lies he’s told you and you don’t deserve any of it. It’s a toxic web. Please take care and reach out to a therapist or doctor if you need as I’ve had to do the same. It’s a lot to take on. Take care.
Heartbroken88,
I feel for you a lot. Aside from children, our stories sound pretty much identical. It truly is grief that’s what I’ve been going through for months now, mourning the loss of my marriage and who my husband used to be. He was the most amazing person. I found out in April that he was secretly doing cocaine since December. I would have never known had I not found messages on our computer about it. I had no idea why he was acting the way he was and not coming home and just literally not making sense. Nothing will make sense when cocaine is involved. If done research and read on here for months and it’s helped me to understand the situation a bit better but does not make it any easier. I never know which him I’m going to get. He went from just cold and mean and blaming me for an ‘unhappy marriage’ (even though before the coke he would tell me weekly that he was happy and loved me more than anything). He met new single friends and started partying all the time. In between then and now I’ve gotten a jerk, too an overly happy guy that he just soooo happy with his new life, to a guy who could barely speak he looked so depressed, to crying, to then a phone call after one of my friends called him out on everything he’s done to me (leaving me with no money and talking to other women and drugs) he screamed at me said he was getting lawyers and this wnd that all while I was having a panic attack at work. After this I blocked him and since he has been trying to contact me all the time. He showed up at the apartment and hugged me, asked me a million questions about my life (like every time now) said it was so good to see you, hugged me again. He never makes sense. Says he “can’t remember the last time he did coke” but I can’t believe anything he says. He needs help. I just don’t think these guys can do it on their own without at least taking accountability and admitting they have a problem. Mine said it got out of hand for a while… literally in the time frame he left me.. but also said that had nothing to do with him leaving. Come on these things are not just coincidence. If you’re able to talk to a therapist that helps me a lot, along with talking to my family and best friends daily. Talking about it helps. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but we have to remind ourselves the cocaine life is not the life we want to live. Anything you can do for yourself please do. Xoxo
How are you doing? Did you just find out about the drugs 4 months ago? My entire world has been flipped and he thinks this is normal… complete different person than the one I married :’( I don’t know how I’m going to get over this… waking up every day is the hardest I need to come to this site to remind myself of everyone’s advice every morning. Even saw my doctor yesterday and she said that he is mentally and emotionally abusing me. He would NEVER see it that way. Who is this demon. My old husband would be ashamed. This new guy likes this version. Makes me want to throw up.
Thank you. Not a lot of ppl understand and think this is just the real him finally coming out (4 years later?) which I guess it’s possible he has just changed as he is young. He just turned 25. But everyone on here seems to see the exact same patterns with there partners once this drug is involved. Hard to believe it’s just a coincidence he changed this much since he started taking the drug. Even if he wasn’t happy in our marriage like he says the way he went about ending things is just cruel and doesn’t make a lick of sense to anyone but him like you said. We are both on a lease at our apartment but he has been out for almost 3 months now. By his choice as I set boundaries and he could not commit to following them so left. I just hope one day for his own sake he can return to his old self… was the best person I ever knew. Such a shame to watch him turn into this macho douche bag. Appreciate you.
He called me yesterday so angry…. I guess one of my friends texted him calling him out on his bullshit and everything he’s put me through. Of course I didn’t want her to do that or have knowledge of it. He took it all out at me and screamed at me he was getting lawyers and that he was coming over to have a serious talk this week and hes been awoken and blamed me for everything. I was having a panic attack and crying like no other… just the day before he broke the news of him already moving on.. and that I should be happy for him… like our marriage was nothing. I felt like I was being beaten with a stick. I’ve never felt abused until that moment. I had to block his number. She called him a drug addict to which he screamed I DONT EVEN DO DRUGS. He just admitted to me he had a problem with it… but later said “he could count on one hand how many times he used” and “he never paid for it once”. He’s gotten off completely free in everything he’s done to me. Even his mom said she can’t believe it took this long for someone to call him out. I feel so anxious and scared. I didn’t do anything wrong or anything to him. I can’t believe this man would treat me or talk to me like this. Even last year if he would of witnessed a man speaking to a woman this way he would have interfered… I am just so blown away and hurt. I was such a good wife. Still hard to wake up every day and face reality after even 4 months of this.
Thank you so much.. I really appreciate all of your advice. So hard having your entire reality and future plans ripped away so fast… I guess it’s good to have some more answers now (him admitting about the “previous” drug issue/admitting about the girl.. and that’s what she is she’s 7 years younger than me.) but doesn’t make it any easier. He’s just turned 25 and I am 30. He doesn’t even know what cocaine does to the brain. I’ve done so much research and read so much on here… I just wonder if he will ever see the situation clearly… I’m so hurt.
It’s so hard to know what to think when he tells me “he doesn’t know the last time he even did it” but he’s now come out and admitted it was a problem for at least all of April/may. And in those months when I asked him about it he hadn’t used it since the beginning of April… so your now admitting (whether he believes it or not) that you lied then about it. How am I supposed to believe you now? He just kept saying “it was never going to work, there was no fixing our marriage”. It seems to me that he only started feeling that way when the coke came… we didn’t even fight or anything… he said he didn’t think we were “sexually compatible”… I said were you planning on leaving me whilst not having an income this entire year and draining our account? He was appalled i would even ask that as no he wasn’t… so you just decided to leave me whilst on your admitted coke binge? I’m so sad he is this way now. And he justifies moving on as “he deserves to be happy” like our marriage was complete torture or something. I was happy every moment of our marriage until the coke came along. Please someone tell me I’m not crazy and this is the stupid drug as he won’t ever admit it and just blames our marriage which was everything to me :’(
My husband just admitted he is now with the woman I found messages with the same night I found out about the coke. He has completely moved on while I’ve been sat in our apartment a wreck for 3 months. He also admitted the coke “got out of hand for a bit but I’m sober now” hard to believe cause he can’t even remember what he has and hasn’t said to me. I’m just so heartbroken. I also told him he’s a complete different person now and listed reasons why and he actually agreed. Do you think this drug just completely changed him? It’s so crazy that a substance could do that. My amazing happy fun loving husband is gone and this cold arrogant jerk has replaced him. You’re one of the only people who has responded to me and I appreciate all your advice. I hope you are well. Xo
My husband too seems to have vanished before my eyes 🙁 one day he loves me and is obsessed with me and then a couple weeks later won’t come home anymore and doesn’t plan to. Right after I found out about the cocaine use. I never would have imagined any of this I would be laughing if last year you told me this would be my life cause no way. Have things gotten better for you? My husband still stands by saying he’s only used it a couple times but he’s a complete different person. Just hoping that if he can’t get better that at least I can.