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It’s hard to put this pain into words, tears flow leaving me speechless, breathless. . for the first time in my life ive no twin to share my today’s with, happiness, my dreams, my anxiety, fear…It’s now just me. I wish you back selfishly every day, I’m sorry x
I wish I could speak to you right now… This pain is unimaginable, never did I expect it to be this horrid.
I know you couldn’t stop it Andy, it took hold of you…It’s has no mercy does it.. It’s taken you and left those around you in heartache and pain.I hate this pain… It’s awful, agonising, I feel so lost Andy..
I don’t want to go home, last year you were with us for Christmas, even though I knew your time with us was limited NEVER did I expect it to be so soon.
Why are we taught to love when loss is this painful!
I know as the addict you felt people had lost faith and hope in you but I never ever did… i hated yr behaviour but never you. It was the drug I hated, how it gave you a false sense of security..then destroyed everything around you before killing you!!
Just one more hug 🙁 so so unfair! 🙁You are a really lovely person. .. your son is very blessed xx
Wow… what an amazing young man, and family. It’s very difficult I know but you have remained realistic and your positivity and unconditional love will aid his recovery and keep him strong x
Can’t take no more said exactly as I would have said. You fell for a man that has an addiction, don’t let his addition blur your thoughts about who he is.
Be proud of him for going to rehab and trying to break free from his addiction. He wants it as much as you do. He maybe wanted to protect you. Be proud if who he is and stay focused on his courage and strength because the journey he has embarked on is very tough and “he’s on it”… Stay positive with him, let him know he can trust you. People with addiction to heroin are labelled ‘just a dirty junkie” but that’s so far from the truth it’s wicked and unfair, they are still human beings with feelings, the addiction shouldnt determine who he is, I can assure you he lives to regret that day he first tried it, we can only be thankful we havent… Keep strong xAnd it is going to be tough but you know what,,, believe you can and you will. Um mm I know that’s easier said than done but your getting there and look at how far you’ve come. Counselling is great, they’ll become someone you can trust, the drug is a fake friend, it’s purpose is to control. Allow yr self to engage fully with the therapy, never doubt how strong you are, just by what you’ve written and your journey speaks volumes of just how amazing you are!!!
Yay! Your amazing, stay strong and focus on what’s ahead.. you should be so proud of yourself x
When you say please help.. It would suggest to me you recognise you need to make changes, which is a great place to be, so be proud you are feeling this way.
Change is always scary and you know more than me in terms of what you need to do and how difficult initially it’s going to be.
But stay focused on how much better your life will become when you take back the control from the wicked addictions you sadly have.
There is help out there, stay strong and focused on those around you that love you dearly. Take everyday as it comes… what’s ahead will far exceed what any addiction will bring.
Stay strong and focused and be proud of yourself xWhy? why have you been taken from me, my heart is so heavy and the tears flow uncontrollably because of the unfairness, your untimely passing, such a tragic loss and I miss you so so much.
I have been grieving your loss for years but this is so final, I knew it was coming but I didn’t want it to happen, my dream was always that you’d return and I could get to know you, learn what made you smile, what music you liked, what clothes you liked. I don’t believe a bobble had, tracky bottoms and a big coat was you, Heroine stripped every ounce of your life didn’t it, taking grip of it all, no room for anyone to get in there and help you see the light. A false sense of reality, it made you believe it was your comfort blanket, your healer, your mask, escape from the world that in fact it took you away from, it ostracised you, stole you from you own life.
I know material things in life are all but an illusion but you weren’t, you were real, my brother, apart of my soul, that was robbed from me twice. Once in childhood and then again in adulthood. So tragically, unfairly abused in every way.
I hate the word, the meaning, the outcome of Heroine, its abusive, it has no mercy on anyone, the addict their family, their friends, its like a tornado with no care of human life, emotions, its gonna destroy at what ever level it hits, its either gonna kill, or at the very least it will be destructive, the pain the loss it leaves behind, just moving onto to the next victim.
Why are we conditioned to love, when loss is so painful, why…..what is this all really about?
I miss you Andy, I feel empty, your passing is so wrong, so unfair.Thank you for the kind words you left on my blob, it meant a lot 🙂
I can truly empathise with your journey and as others have said you must get support, I wish I had years ago, but in the three years prior to my brothers passing, I did get help and it really helped me put things in to perspective. I hated hating him, it was awful. I think the drug takes hold of us all doesn’t it, it becomes all of our dirty secret, it has such power.
I know in my heart my brother would never have chosen that journey, as no ones family, partners etc would have had they have known just how powerful it is. Which is why I am so appalled at the lack of supports given, its more than ‘just a junkie’.
My heart goes out to you, it really does because its a horrid place to be, the pain is relieved everyday when you see whats happening to the person you adore.Its like an illness, so do and some don’t beat it. I just wish the government would give more supports but then the system is no longer about people is it, its about money.
Be strong, seek supports, stay positive. xIn silence you return
It’s then my heart burns
I judged you
I hated you
I lost sight of who you were
You’d gone to a place
that ultimately destroyed you
It took you body and soul
Stripped you
left you bare
No where to go
It took everything, blow by blow
Leaving you know where to go
Death being your only escape
taking you to your stairway to heaven
I felt lost last night when I couldn’t sleep, you creepy in to my thoughts, tragic memories of our childhood stripped from us by two adults who prioritised alcohol and their struggles mental health that maybe impaired their judgements, leaving them with no sense of reality. To beat, abuse, emotionally destroy a human being with no recourse or justice is so unfair. No judgements laid upon them, but Andy was judged, I was judged throughout our lives due to the impact of the wounds they left us to heal.
I will never forgive them, stolen childhood and the final blow was your loss. Unforgivable!
As much as it pains me to accept.. Heroine as much as it was jointly responsible for your untimely death, it eased the wickedness of your childhood.
Miss you everyday, wish you never took it, it never gave you the false mask that eventually took you. Jeez Andy this is so so hard, tears flow, it’s painful. You passed too early 🙁 my only comfort is knowing your agonising journey is over x x xTears came down again today, it is very difficult knowing you are gone for good.
Your agonising journey, I judged you didn’t I, I fell into Societies view of your addiction and I lost sight of you.
But I have to say it was hard watching you on that path, and as much as the love I had for you I couldn’t help be cross and at a loss of what to do for the best. The more I helped I knew I was enabling, but now you have passed I would give you my last penny, its wicked how the drug controls so many factors of the jigsaw, its covered every part of the beginning, middle and end of the users , their family, friends life, complete control.
I hated taking you to the dealers houses but then I hated seeing you in pain, it was horrific to watch you crying, screaming, renting, begging, you lost all control to the drug. I question did you have any control? In your passing I recognise it was too powerful for you to ever overcome, yet it is what is expected, what would be a compromise because I do not believe you were treated or judged fairly but then what would have been right. You were stealing from us, manipulating, lying, it was a horrendous journey, you lost absolutely everything, you even lost the desire for love and companionship, the drug became your whole world. I know when on the drug you functioned, you were great, lived a normal functioning life, but your body and mind were driven to have the drug, there became no relief did there. It was a never ending cycle.
In your untimely sudden passing I have reflected and realised that its not a path you would have chosen, I know that in my heart had you have engaged with appropriate supports you may have still been alive.
Even the rehab ward in the hospital let you down, I remember you telling me that you heard a DR say they never come of it and how they treated you made you feel judged and not worthy.
Maybe if society change their perception and focus on the person rather than the addiction, addicts may not feel so detached. If he had one wish I know in my heart he would have wished he never tried it, but its distorts the mind.
I would like to start a campaign to change peoples perception of a drug user, lets start initially by trying to empathise rather than judge and ostracise. Of course we have be to be cautious not to enable but that can be achieved without stigma, leaving the addict wit two hurdles to overcome, the addiction and societies view.
I wish you back everyday and if only tears could wash away your pain and bring you back… Id tell you how much I loved you and Im sorry for the judgements I made, I hated the drug and its influence it had on you, I never stopped loving you x xJeez this has to be the toughest part of life’s journey so far. The knowing that you have just gone, suddenly away with no warning.
Had I of known you had starting injecting maybe I could have somehow started preparing but you kept that to yourself because you didn’t want us to worry I guess. The first abscess should have been the warning signs, then the second came untreated.
I don’t know whether it was a twin insight but I knew yr time with us was limited which is why I made sure this Christmas was spent with you. How I hold my head in shame for not spending more time with you, absorbing my thoughts to you being “JUST A JUNKIE”, getting cross because you weren’t taking responsibility and taking control to break free from the drug. I know in my heart you would never have just given up on your daughter, your nieces. But your body was tiring and you were weakening as everyday came and went.
In many ways as you became more entrapped your inner child surfaced more and more as your body weakened.
With the only escape you had being the very thing that would ultimately kill you. But in reality your soul had already been taken as child. One blow after another, physical, emotional on a daily basis. We used to laugh when we spoke about from an early age and our belongings thrown down the communal stairwell, as we were being thrown out of the family home and neighbours harbouring us, thankfully they realised the oddities of our mother and they showed us kindness.
I remember one day I disappeared to have a sneaky bath next door as I was grounded from bathing and showering for disclosing to a relative what was going on, I certainly lived to regret that. The stepfather was on route to eat you, which was why my disappearance was obvious and she used to give me strawberries and cream, and bubble bath, I was I heaven for that short period of time. Even when you returned home for a holiday at that time I wasn’t allowed to talk to you because of what I had done. I got a lift home from school, because I was so excited seeing you and from that day on I had to sprint home because if I could get home for my Nigger brother then I could do it everyday day. You even hated coming home, it wasn’t long before you regretted it and we’re being punished. It’s unbelievable the life we had wasn’t it. I know there was the occasional good day but as we both recalled neither of us remember birthdays or Christmas’s so the good days were far and few between.
We did recall one Christmas when his parents bought us some toys, it wasn’t long after that the fence in the garden got a hole in it, we must have been no more than 5 years old, we were sent out in the freezing cold garden to talk and one of us had to own up to putting the hole in the barbed wire fence, you said you remember taking the blame, I also remembered taking the blame, our punishment was to bring down our Christmas presents that he stood on and broke up and put them in the bin, then we were taken upstairs bent over their bed, we had to remove our clothing and he beat us with his belt, that he ceremoniously removed to beat us, then we were sent to bed, even now that brings tears to my eyes because we didn’t do that and would never had the strength to either. Evil man.
Your bedroom in the house of horrors was always dark, I never real a light on and I only remember a mates being in there. You used to play with soldiers I remember that.
On Sundays we were forced to watch the horse racing and we had to sit on the arms of the sofa and if we didn’t giddy up quick enough he used to kick us of the sofa and we would have to do it again, this was performed every Sunday, we all hated Sundays. He used to whistle down the path and fear would engulf our hole bodies, petrified not to speak or say something out of turn. I know Andy why you wanted to escape and even really some of this it takes me back to the fear, the fear of life that never really left us did it. My fear of the dark is still real and it’s weird how you left me the dog, maybe he is my support in your absence.
I want to tell your story in your memory as I feel you deserve it to be told.
So much opportunity it stripped away from us, because we were born her ‘half cast’ children. Do you remember she used to say she brushed out our afro hair, I wish she still had the combe I’d be a millionaire!
I want you back, I wish we could start again and the outcomes would be so different, we would have had confidante, trust, belief but we were stripped of everything considered normal.
you had some amazing years though, and everything you did you did it the best, always achieving high in sports, which always helped when you had to run away from him. You used to run away so often, it was scary. And yr punishment was always terrifying because I always feared he’d kill you. He hated you so much. Unbelievable what he got away with.
This is so painful, I miss you and I’m so sorry for your agonising journey from start to finish, tear engulf me as I write this but I want your memory heard x I prey you are resting in peace with unconditional love around you x you were an amazing man xI’m so sorry to hear about your loss.. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family x
An inspirational story Meg… Keep strong and focused on a wonderful future x
He is functioning, working and paying the bills, then you describe him as a sneaky lying heroine addict, so if you take the heroine out of it, he’s doing ok?
Stay focused on his positives and just because he is a heroin addict don’t assume he has become a bad person. He no more wants to be an addict than you want him to be.
Society has made us look at a drug addict as you described him, so they aren’t just regretting the day they even tried it they are fighting society’s perception of them.
If he was addicted to a gp prescribed drug he wouldn’t be condemned in the same way.
Try educate him on the impact it will have on you all, including him. I do not believe he enjoys the path he is on, but the power of the drug gives him a false sense of reality.
Seek supports for you and your children and encourage him to do the same. Don’t hate him, it’s the drug that has taken him. He does have choices but it’s no longer clear cut, it’s a journey and I prey he engages with appropriate supports.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, him and your children, keep strong and focused x