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I hear your pain, it’s a heart wrenching journey you are on and as much as you may not like hearing this, but so is he. I genuinely don’t believe anyone by choice choses a life of an addict. The drug consumes their whole life, choices they would never contemplate if they weren’t drug addicts.
He no doubt that still adores you and would if he had one wish never have taken the drug. It’s the drug you hate not him.
I recently lost my brother to it, so I can empathise with how you are feeling. I just prey that he can find the strength to beat it, but it’s the hardest fight for life I have ever witnessed.
Seek help for yourself through adfam or drugfam, both offer invaluable support to families.
You must look after yourself, and believe him when he says how hard it is. It goes against everything they have grown up believing, he has to lie, who would accept their last penny being spent but his desire to have the drug takes him into a false reality. It’s a wicked wicked addiction.
Be strong, stay focused, seek supports for yourself, hate the drug not him and believe that if he had one wish he would likely say he wishes he never tried it..What an amazing young lad, My heart goes out to you and yr family..He is on a journey that is achievable but as you know it will be difficult at times. Keep strong, he is blessed with such a caring parent X
Can’t take no more- Thank you for your generous words.. I wish you happiness and love X
I’m embarrassed to admit how I judged you, how I hated the path you had chosen. I just didn’t get it, and probably never will. But in your passing I feel empathy. I genuinely believe after reflecting and looking back over the years reliving your journey (the segments you shared)can only be described as your horrendous journey. Not only a battle with in, but a battle with societies perception of you because you had been over taken by a stronger force than yourself. The hatred of society and the battle within must have been horrendous and my sincere apologies for being part of your pain. Tears flow as I write this in shame, my brother, my friend yet I judged and condemned you 🙁
I have realised too late really that no one would chose the path chosen in naivety, that one fix, pure bliss, escapism, a mask initially portrayed acceptance, bravery, no more pain, but little did we know was strangling you slowly, killing you day by day, that false sense of security was in fact an enemy that you would never free yourself from. As with child abuse, society judge what they see and not the invisible buckets of poop we carry around.
I recall your attempts to give up and how you were always asking us to see you as a person and not an addict. Jeez what was I thinking 🙁 only in your passing do I see it. Why so late?
I recall how you used to cut up the £25 bag in an attempt to cut down and let us see you could do it.
We need to as a society remove the stigma of a drug addict, it’s more than just a choice, if it were that easy to break away from it, let’s get real there wouldn’t be as many deaths. Andy used to cry in the knowing it would kill him, please who would chose that life…no one. It was agonising for him, he wasn’t a dirty junkie, he was a human being trying every day to break free he DID NOT want that life, he had lost the choice it had hold of him.
There was more to him than being a junkie. He loved helping people and became a well know figure within his community, he had compassion, he was still a human being.
I miss you every day, tears flow, the pain of my guilt rushes through me every day. I know now you would never have voluntarily subjected us to your plight. You always said you hated it’s power.. now in your passing I recognise how powerful it really was.
I hope you are now resting, sleeping without fear, without the knowing that you needed another fix.
no gas, no electricity, no food, no more nice clothes, ostracised from a judgemental society really didnt have a clue, just adding to your internal pain, wanting to escape.
I wish you back everyday and can’t wait till we are together again, so we can really get to know each other, share laughter unconditionally.
I miss you so so much, if only it all were a dream 🙁 XTears come again today, the loss of my brother at times becomes overwhelming. Guilt is present when I think about the anger I felt for him.
He used to scream down the phone for £25.00 and a lift. On route he would be retching and forever grateful for my time and money… apologising on route promising to give it up. I used to be fuming begging him to stop, He used to cry saying he knew his only escape was death but said he didn’t want to die yet. So he would give it another go, delighted with himself on day four when the worse of it was over. See..I can do it, honestly that’s me clean!
I said everyone around him would forgive his past, he used to say it was harder than everyone believed, the guilt he held for stealing of everyone. He said it hurt him. The loss of his partner and daughter hurt him. He said he wasn’t sure he could live a normal life again.
He asked if I found it hard to trust people, to accept a hug, we would laugh and he’d say we were really let down weren’t we. He said why did no one pick up on me eating loads of sugar, so I could stay awake. He felt completely let down by professionals and people around us. He said he still shakes himself to sleep.
Thieving barstard, psycho, black basted, thick, stupid, evil…. words that were regularly used to describe him.
After his beatings he’d come out of the room, sheepish, bruised, red faced, sometimes he couldnt move properly, sometimes he wouldn’t come out till the next day. I said I could hear you screaming Andy are you okay, he would say “I screamed so he’d think it hurt me.”
We were told our father was a black useless piece of shit, and he didn’t return for us cos he hated us. One year he told us he had seen him hanging when he had been working in Saudi. We were deflated we sat for hours praying he would come and protect us, but he didn’t. Andy always said he would like to meet him, he was Iranian and we were told lots of different stories, so to find him would have been impossible. Apparently he sent family over but nothing after. So he knew where we were at one point.
Our sister was taken on holidays and we stayed at home.
Mother had several boyfriends, one strangled me with her with a scarf, I remember feeling feint and passed out. Andy was fuming, he stole from his wallet cos he said he deserved it but he was caught..
Wow so many stories, so much pain… Andy wasn’t able to manage his emotions and used to get cross… It was put down to him being mental, a psycho, no recognition of how the evil environment impacted on him. When she was beaten and never came out of her room we were terrified because he hated us and we were at our most volnerable when she couldnt protect. I remember our breathing became quieter so he couldnt hear us…terrified!
He started smoking at about 7 yr. I remember he made me take a deeeeeep breath and I coughed my lungs up went green, we were terrified we would wake her up… He left me, she didn’t wake up 🙂
Love and miss you loads Andy X