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I see no responses here, and that says a lot to me. Sounds like a struggle that only you know the true answer to. Sometimes we are ready for change, and sometimes we are not. Tests are everywhere, and choices are many. I wish you the best with your decision, and hope you make the most loving one for caring for you as you are in active recovery and you must come first. Best.
First time on this site, really enjoying reading through and relating to so many posts. This post and others of those struggling with c addiction are not in that category, but I feel I need to also provide info about a program called Beyond Addiction, created by Gabor Mate and Sat Dharm Kar that can be accessed online from anywhere. Its no substitute for CA, but it was very enlightening for me with my own trauma, cravings and healing. I learned a lot about why certain brains choose certain drugs and this post is reminding me of this. Not sure if appropriate, but wanted to share here.
Thinking of you all, you brave, compassionate humans.