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So sorry up hear your story. All too familiar…
Keep strong and keep talking on here…really helps. You’ll know what feels right to do….we all have different needs but adter not putting myself first I’d encourage you to think about how it affects you….I’m still all over the place emotionally after he’s given up weed, coke, porn and money scheme’s x
Certainly not crackers….have loved this group. Sad that so many stories are years old…it certainly takes a long time to understand what’s going on, stop it and recover. Four years on for me…..slowly seeing life can get better. Therapy is daunting @Sal98 but so empowering xx
Hi
I’m now 2 odd years on. I started therapy last month. So, so much has come out. She couldn’t believe how much I’d swallowed down…for so long and completely swept my needs away to care for him and family. I recommend therapy after the trauma, essential to move on and stop resentment building. He started therapy again to deal with emotional aspects. His drinking has slowed down. No longer addicted to weed or coke. Isn’t using porn. Is not manipulating or lying.
However…I’m now trying to be more authentic and have made it clear we’re on parallel therapy journeys. Won’t stop mine till its all out. I feel empowered and happier. Exhausting rehashing certain sticking points with him but vital to move forwards. We’re not who we’ we were…futures aren’t defined clearly. Living in present which has unsettled him but freed me. Good luck and if you feel lighter in your head and heart you’re doing great x
Thanks so much and I hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you also. Thank goodness I found this page, without judgements, just care support and understanding for our similar yet devastating cases.
So true….ripped apart is exactly right! Heartbroken but I know we can’t get back what we had. Something new is plan but he has to learn self love he’s watching me but its his journey. Thinking of you x
I feel for all of us left to pick up pieces once they are changing. We are caring for all without proper support as can’t tell people what really happened. Just caretaker for him, kids etc. I do love him, it would destroy the family so no I’m not certain. Would be easier if I felt certain. If I could just accept he’s tried this hard , but I have a huge void inside and although I am trying to be content
I’m not happy. I’m being here for future, kids and out of respect for him as he was and is trying to return to. Parallel lives occur when we are left to own paths…that’s really where my heart lies but can’t see how to get there without devastation….which would make me the bad guy…how ironic!
Thanks, so good to know I’m not alone or crazy. I stopped drinking last year so I can see all too clearly what I want from life…my zest has returned. He’s trying to resist booze..not tried 22 steps …he’s defensive if I bring up the amount as he’s stopped all other stuff so feels angelic! I just find I’m talking to another person online more about it, who is supportive, flirty but respectful. He’s actually famous ???? which is complicating my heart and thoughts. Im not going anywhere but feel so alive when I’m talking to him .I know its just attention, grass greener and I should plough this time back to hubby…he’s fucked me off and hurt me. I hope I can forgive..I don’t mention it and have tried to forget all the crap but it’s still lurking. Will be two years soon and I want to start living again without anger, fear with a fill heart and happy future. Sorry…huge rant!
Thanks ????
It’s the anger at his behaviour too. He’s put me in a pedestal for standing by…wish I had strength to leave earlier.. although I knew deep down he’d want to quit rather than lose us. It’s his weakness but we all pay price. He’s low drinking his sorrows. He’s had counselling and his stress is family so that can’t be removed sadly
So its been 18mths or over since my hubby stopped coke and weed. So proud. He’s come back into family life, paid debts etc but now I feel a huge void where I used to just feel love! Anyone else feel that? The trust went and the fact he believed his narcissistic dealer over me for several years has left me empty. I love him, care for him and am proud he’s knocked on head. He’s more respectful, but has put me as his saviour. I can’t say I’m in love as I had a parallel life whilst he was using and I’m now seeing I may be happier without? He’s drinking like a fish most days to make up for other stuff. He’s not emotionally available and sex is gar less frequent now he’s off coke. How have you all found the aftermath? It’s not the happy ever after I hoped for tbh!
You have that inner strength I can see and you want the best for everyone but need to put you first. I really hope this is the shock to the system that helps you all move on. Like you said you cannot live in this limbo and however painful it is….you need to break the cycle. Thinking of you and you have this group to fully support and understand you. Best wishes
Replying to @she Just found this thread again. Please know you are all amazing strong survivors. My story read like many here…however along time and all my patience later I hope it’s all behind us. Three failed attempts but the final threat from his narcissistic supplier/groomer about me was enough for him to finally believe what’s I’d said all along. So much money lost, time lost but a week in Vegas away from all the noise was enough to break the spell. A threat for him to move out and he realised. Never thought it would end. Four years of hell….still have nightmares and sometimes think he’ll relapse but he genuinely seems to be back to former person. This is now two years on..lockdown also helped us . Sending you all much love avd strength. I woud have kicked him out though and that certainty from me really helped him see his future so dont be scared to be honest…he said it helped him to focus.
Just found this thread again. Please know you are all amazing strong survivors. My story read like many here…however along time and all my patience later I hope it’s all behind us. Three failed attempts but the final threat from his narcissistic supplier/groomer about me was enough for him to finally believe what’s I’d said all along. So much money lost, time lost but a week in Vegas away from all the noise was enough to break the spell. A threat for him to move out and he realised. Never thought it would end. Four years of hell….still have nightmares and sometimes think he’ll relapse but he genuinely seems to be back to former person. This is now two years on..lockdown also helped us . Sending you all much love avd strength. I woud have kicked him out though and that certainty from me really helped him see his future so dont be scared to be honest…he said it helped him to focus.
Thanks so much, good advice. His meeting went well. He’s opted for individual counselling, it’ll stem back to leaving home at 8 to boarding school, then losing mum very young to dementia, all so linked. I’m continuing to keep up own interests, jobs and kids, a great distraction. He’s trying to be more honest so less eggshells but I need to research codependancy… I’ve surely been doing it too. Thanks to everyone on here for advice, support, kindness and hope. Gotta believe he can do this but ever watchful for signs x
Thanks so much. I do always look for the signs, although he is master in deciet. This time I know he wants to change, I know it’ll be tough, from all your messages I know I’m knew to this. Still can’t see how my life has completed altered, seems so unfair that our future is now so dependant on his strength. I fully agree on dealer..but he’s conned him to believing he’s a mate, that’s our other issue, £1000s gone, literally..he’s in a money scheme just doesn’t accept he’s being conned…it’s just baby steps for now, bug fallout expected when he does work it out. Scares me so much, he was do low and vulnerable and this crept into our lives.
Hi all, since my last message sending much love out to you all. Hubby agreed to seeing an outreach centre, first one today. Please wish us luck. I also decided for him to succeed he had to know it was real, not just going through motions…told his best friend, also close to me. Knew he would be ashamed at first but thankfully didn’t backfire and still on track to clean up. Still wants to be friends with his dealer… Who I think is conning.him but that’s whole other forum. For now I have to believe he wants this more. Much love to all of you x