[chloetricky]

Hi I’m not sure how old this post is but thought I might add a response. First off coming from a marriage with an over achieving husband who does have control issues (he owns his own company and can forget he’s not the boss at home too!), your over achieving will not be an inspiration. It could v much as you say be having the opposite effect. She may feel she will not be able to be perfect and so why try? Also can I ask why you have to give her money? Does she not have direct access to your family’s finances? Again she has no control in that aspect of her life. My guessing would be that she drinks as she is unfulfilled and the secrecy is a way for her to have SOMETHING for herself that you can’t have control over. She possibly feels she has given up her life for her family and this is her “self care” (albeit an unhealthy one)….you seem to have a lack of respect for her in that she doesn’t have hobbies but you have time to train for marathons. Perhaps there could be more sharing of the family/home burden to allow her time to invest in hobbies. There is a reason she keeps mentioning you are controlling. Perhaps you don’t mean to be but she def feels a lack of control over her life and perhaps if THAT was the conversation you may have more luck. Also if she is early 40’s she could well be going through a “is this it” stage of her own. Just because you feel your life is where it should be right now doesn’t mean that she does. My husband and I are the same age as you two and are in that situation also. Drinking is a symptom of unhappiness…maybe start a dialogue about why she is unhappy/unfulfilled/feels a lack of control over her life. And help out more to free up her time and give her access to finances. You can’t STOP a person drinking by taking their money. They will find a way around it. Hope this helps you see things from another angle! Good luck to you both

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