[christinag]

If he is willing to commit to a path of recovery then there is a chance but it’s also an exhausting process. The realisation and willingness has to come from him.

It’s true what others say that you have to set your own boundaries and follow through on the consequences. It’s so incredibly difficult when you love someone but it’s draining and you end up doubting your own sanity as they’ll twist everything to make you feel like it’s either not a problem or that you are the problem. I found this site very helpful when living with it and I also find it really helpful now living without it as it reminds me how awful it was and never to be tempted to ‘try again’ even though my heart would love to. Every single story has some similarity to what I experienced and I actually couldn’t believe the situation I found myself in.

I was fortunate to have two friends who are addicts (clean for more than 14 years so a lot of experience of the recovery path/ challenges) and they really helped me understand the mindset of the addict and what I was dealing with.

I didn’t want to wake up in 5 years in same situation…

I hope you manage to find some comfort and reassurance on here. X

[christinag]

So sorry to read your post. I too can also relate, it’s so horrible and just shatters all your hopes and dreams of how you imagine your life together to be. I also met my partner, just before we were 50 but two years on, I had to call it a day as he was just never going to stop and I wanted better for my own life. That was six months ago and I still miss him terribly and thengood times we shared but I don’t miss the second guessing, lying, disrespect, emotional abuse and in the final days threats of violence. I could never have dreamed I would end up in a situation where I had to leave my own house because of a relationship but I did until he did and then I changed the locks and never looked back. If your husband is willing to get help and commit to recovery then there’s a chance of salvaging your relationship but I’d say put yourself and your own feelings first. Ultimately that’s what he is doing every time he uses. Wish you all the best. Take care of yourself x

[christinag]

Hi Sarah

Yes they can do. In my experience, the effect of cocaine on my partner was not what it would be for a recreational user. He would take a gram, by himself using it all within a couple of hours, then drink copious amounts of alcohol to try and ‘bring him down’, then eat huge amounts of take away food and then pass out and sleep. For a ‘regular’ person cocaine would keep them awake for hours and you’d have little to no appetite. The addicts tolerance is different. Hope for your sake it’s not cocaine he’s using. X

[christinag]

Hi Cali

So sorry to read your post. I too have been in your shoes and resonate with everything you say. The reply from Ash is spot on – unfortunately until he is willing to do something about the problem and get help to stop, nothing will change and will only get worse. Ash’s comment about him pushing you away to justify his behaviour also rings true and also having the ability to ‘function’ – even though they’re not really functioning because all relationships around them will eventually break down (apart from the one with the dealer).

I made the hard decision to end my relationship a few weeks due to his ongoing cocaine use. We too were (still are) very much in love and had so many wonderful times together. But the flipside was too much to take – all very similar to what you describe – toxic emotional abuse, where they even find the nasty remarks, I will never know. He would dip his toe into CA but not commit fully – just doing bits he wanted to. My partner refused to leave when I said to him I no longer wanted us to live together (even though it’s my property which I own and had said to him it didn’t have to be immediately – say 4-6 weeks) and the final straw came when I asked again when he would be moving out and he backed me into a corner several times, threatening me with violence. I had to leave my house. The next day I changed the locks, put his belongings in the shed and told him what I’d done. That wasn’t an easy decision but for me but it was my only option for my own safety and sanity. He is now back in our home city and incredibly remorseful but not committing to a path of recovery. I wish for him to have the happy life he deserves but also for me to have that too.

Hopefully by reading posts on here it will help a little to not take his words and behaviour towards you personally, hard as that is. The drug/addiction turns them into this dreadful jekyll and hyde character.

Sending love and peaceful thoughts x

If he won’t get help or isn’t willing

[christinag]

I really sympathise with your situation. My partner was aggressive towards me Earlier this year and I called the police – I was not hurt but he pushed me across the room and made verbal threats. When the police came he tried to dismiss and laugh off the behaviour but he was arrested which I had no choice in either. Thankfully domestic violence is taken seriously now. He started joining online CA meetings for around 6 weeks but still keeping the dealers number around. He relapsed two weeks ago and I had made the decision in my head that I would follow through with ending the relationship if he used again and continued to be emotionally and verbally abusive. I asked him to make plans to leave but he wouldn’t and I knew he wouldn’t do anything about moving (it’s my house which I own so even more frustrating). He continued to use another twice that week so When he came home last Monday i asked him again what he was doing about moving. He went crazy, started threatening me, putting his hands towards me, backing me into a corner, then switching to making a sandwich, then threatening me again and to smash my house up. I grabbed my keys and phone and left my house, stayed at a friends and the next day when he had gone to a hotel, I had the locks changed, packed all his things and put them in the shed and went back to my friends. I felt scared and guilty and sad. He is making out to his friends that I have made homeless. He made himself homeless. And he has a home, he just needed to give his tenant notice and make plans to move from my house. But you can’t be rational or reasonable with an addict. They want to bully, control, belittle, lie and deny all responsibility. All to keep fuelling the addiction, and while he was in my house, I am enabling it. We have one life, I didn’t want to wake up each day asking myself why I had chosen this. It was making me ill. He still needs to collect all his belongings from the shed and once that’s done, I can start to grieve and move on. And hopefully he will too and choose a better life’s for hImself.

I hope things have improved for you or you have found a way to find peace of mind and safety of your health and well-being,

[christinag]

Thanks for your reply. You’re right, he is making the decision easier. This morning I was lying in bed thinking ‘how have i let my life end up like this?’. I should have put an end to it a while ago but he showed willing with CA so I gave it one more shot but now I’m done as it’s making me ill and I get nothing out of the relationship except stress and upset.

I hope your partner gets a space soon and it’s great he is willing to go to rehab. Hope you find some peace and contentment amongst the anxiety. Xxx

[christinag]

Thanks for your message. I’m so sorry to read that you’re dealing with this together with your six week old daughter. I can’t begin to think how difficult it must be to cope when you have children never mind a newborn.

I’m sure you are managing much better without the constant stress and anxiety.

Wishing you a peaceful and happy life xxx

[christinag]

I resonate so much with all these threads. I’ve been in a constant boom bust cycle with my partner for over a year now with cocaine addiction. He was doing zoom CA for around 8 weeks but half heartedly so it was inevitable a relapse would take place. I’m now at my ‘rock bottom’ with his behaviour. I have a brother with psychiatric problems who went missing recently and he was completely unsupportive throughout this, actually having a go at me for being upset about it!? I could tell this was because a relapse was about to happen. I ended up at the doctor last week as have been unable to wake up no matter how much sleep I have and have constant tightness in my chest and arms. Doctor told me it’s because your body becomes used to being in a certain state of panic and my subconscious about him relapsing is preying on me. He’s pretty sure blood tests will reveal nothing and has referred me for counselling. I am very fortunate to have access to these things via my work.

He did use a few days later and twice this week. He never apologises and just directs horrific emotional abuse towards me. I told him he now has to leave and now that he has realised I’m serious about it he has become even more nasty. Apparently he hates me, I have nothing, I am false, I am ugly, I am an oddball, I have no friends. I have flabby arms and stomach, my brother is a mongo (!!), he doesn’t want to be near me, he can’t stand me, I’m controlling etc etc etc. I know I’m none of these things. I’m an attractive, kind and loving person living with an unsupportive, arrogant cocaine addict. Oh and I saw he was using Tinder. And has been talking to another woman on whatsapp. It’s actually all quite helpful because although incredibly painful and sad to think how our life is without cocaine, I’m not willing to accept this as my life. We only have one right? He lives in my house which I own and is being difficult about moving out (not sure why if he dislikes me so much). He has a home in a different city so I’m praying he gives his tenant notice and leaves soon. I have a friend coming to stay in a few weeks. Hopefully this will nudge him into action. I feel sick to the stomach of what I’m going to be dealing with over the next month or so.

Sending much love and thoughts to everyone who is suffering with an addicted loved one. X

[christinag]

Yes I agree, it is hard to work out when one begins and ends with the nasty personality. I’ve also heard all the verbal abuse of how awful I am, how he’s no longer interested in me and since he was arrested I’ve not heard the end of how badly scarred he is from that instance. That it was all my fault and he did nothing wrong and I pushed him first. I gently remind him I’ve tolerated his continual angry outbursts, threatening words, pointing his finger close to my face, putting his foot close to my face and before I pushed him away, he’d gestured a shoe box close to my face which was the final straw. So he doesn’t see what happened being a consequence of his behaviour and inability to control his anger and emotions. But telling his friends I am a psycho. Even when the police came he was trying to laugh it off and minimise what happened. A ‘drama queen’ is the phrase I hear repeated often. The only drama is what he constantly creates! I’m horrified and embarrassed this is actually my life and happening to me.

So I truly empathise with your situation and I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be with small children and dealing with an addict. My partner has 2 beautiful daughters who he barely keeps in touch with. He was a young Dad so one is 20s and the other a teen. He calls them and talks about himself.

My partner also wants to shut me out and not accept any support unless it suits him or he’s . He won’t even discuss anything. It would be better if he left and I’m sure that will happen. He too is enjoying having the control that he will make the decision to leave when he wants to, not when I ask him.

The patterns of behaviour are all so familiar. Stay sane and happy. I’m sure your children bring you much joy xx

[christinag]

Thanks so much for your message. Yes, that’s a good point. I was thinking it was a coping mechanism for him to justify the relationship breakdown. I also caught him telling one of his friends it was over because I was a psycho and something was wrong with a woman my age with no children(!). I had to laugh through the annoyance.

Feeling brighter today with a bit more sleep, sunshine and exercise and appreciate your words and thoughts.

Thanks again x

[christinag]

Hi there

Thank you so much. I will do that.

Much appreciated x

[christinag]

Hi there

Thanks so much for your reply, I appreciate it. Well, he hasn’t left as he refused (even though it’s my house) and Has been joining Zoom CA every night since last week and gone to one face to face meeting. It’s still complete emotional turmoil and I’m doing my best to try and be rational and separate my thoughts to avoid ruminating. Some days I’ve felt strong and decisive and others just so low I can’t see outside the black cloud. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. Like he does. The most frustrating part for me is his reluctance to be in any way apologetic for his behaviour apart from the odd moment when he has clarity so there’s still a huge gap of resentment between us as his thoughts are quite twisted about where the problem lies.

I hope you are ok and have a lovely day x

[christinag]

Thank you for your reply. Since writing my post he refused to leave (saying he would do it in his time not when I asked, even though it’s my house!) and has been joining CA meetings online every night since last week although yet to take the next step of getting the book and a sponsor. I’m fearful this is just a ploy to keep me quiet before the inevitable but of course a part of me is hopeful that it’s the start of a positive journey for him as this is the most committed I’ve seen him to a path of recovery. It still feels very chaotic as he veers from accepting the cocaine is losing him everything or blaming me for the trouble in our relationship. I guess this is because he knows the life of recovery takes a lot of hard work and it’s easier to blame outside factors for his problems. It’s like being caught in tornado. I’m barely sleeping and exhausted from my own internal battle of what’s for the best.

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband and that you’ve separated. It’s such a dreadfully destructive poison and really hard to take control of your own rational thoughts and emotions when caught up in it all. It must have been such a shock when you didn’t know why things had become so difficult. Emotional whiplash is a good description. I hope you are taking care of yourself and finding some comfort and peace of mind x

[christinag]

He will only quit when he wants to. I’ve had to break up with my partner as otherwise the cycle will continue for the rest of our lives. I’ve talked to him about it so many times and asked if he was ready to make a commitment to recovery and our relationship. He always says he is and goes to one or two meetings to keep me quiet and then the inevitable happens….. It’s not possible to have a healthy functioning relationship with a using addict. They will lie, manipulate and deceive you as well as themselves. Addiction is a very sad thing mostly for them but also for us around them. The person they truly are is lost until they want to take the very difficult but not impossible steps to recovery. I hope your husband finds CA and has a positive outcome. Most of all take care of yourself and your own happiness xx

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