[cornwallmother2020]

Oh I definitely ‘coddled’ my son too. As a very young mum, who had a period of homelessness & issues myself – I spent years trying to make up for what I thought were MY failings. So although I had rules & routine, I let him get away with a lot of things that I refuse to allow my other children to do. I guess I have learnt from my mistakes.

He had access to money from a young age & influences from his dads side of the family. They are drink dependant & his dad has huge drug issues too. I regret the choice of man I made his father, but at 15 what did I know?

On a good day I refuse to look back & have regret / guilt. On a bad day I consume myself with it & it takes over. I understand that I did what I did at the time & I cant go back. Living with a child that has drug issues to this extreme is like living with grief all the time, its exhausting & I hear you .

[cornwallmother2020]

Please dont apologise, life gets in the way too.

Always talk. Even if you dont know why or what to say. Talking kills the power of negative thoughts for me & this is why we are on this forum.

I have learnt not to smother my son. I spend years contacting him ALL the time. We still text daily & Im grateful he is in a good place right now. But I dont need to know every detail of his life.

Much love

[cornwallmother2020]

I can hear the hurt in your message & I wish I could reach out & help you in person. Personally I would go around there, if he doesnt answer or is out then put a note through explaining you have been & that you love him.

I have no advice for the reaching out or not. I cannot help myself so I just do what I feel at the time. Rightly or wrongly.

Be kind to yourself please & know that you have a crowd of people who understand and support you.

[cornwallmother2020]

I hear you. Im not hated but I know he feels like hes failing & thats heart breaking when he tells me Im his hero. If Im his hero & he loves me so much then why the constant pain?? I, of course, know the answer.

Our beautiful boys…..

[cornwallmother2020]

Oh Ive just read your post, my heart hurts for every parent on here, there is nobody that can relate more.

Its great that we can still feel compassion for others when the pain consumes us so much already, that is a positive. I dont ever think I dont want to hear about it, I always want to hear others stories.

Oh I look at him & he is so gorgeous. Handsome, built well, blond & when he looks well he blows me & others away. I get it said to me all the time – Gosh your boy is so good looking. Yep I know, its a shame about the demons that destroy him & his looks frequently though!

I can still feel him in my arms as a toddler. I see this man taller than me & I went through so much at a young age to keep him, the emotions that invokes stops me in my tracks.

When he is using I spend every day thinking he is going to die. I know I shouldnt but that doesnt stop my mind going there.

We live because we live. Even when we cant breathe through fear, we live.

[cornwallmother2020]

Hi. Yes it takes a lot. I had to just take a big breath & post my own in the end. For me, its more about getting it out, but a response is always welcomed. Helps to not feel as alone.

I talk to very few people about it. I try not to have too much shame around it as if it were a medical condition we would just chat, this is not much different, its just our society does not understand the complexities of addiction. He is still my beautiful boy & when I share my story (very rarely, with very few like I said) I see genuine sorrow in peoples eyes. That helps me feel like Im not going mad too.

Also when things are bad with him I am a wreck so I dont talk about him, then i become ill (headaches etc) & cannot concentrate at work etc. So Ive learnt its vitally important to share with someone.

Im here 🙂

[cornwallmother2020]

Thank you Jenny X

I dont get involved now. I stopped last year when everything spiralled. But he still gets rescued by family members & his partner. He has support, his partner is scarily naive but supportive non the less. He is involved with the GP, the local addiction service plus some older / wiser men.

Thats an interesting way of looking at things. I have seen his rock bottom several times though & then used everything I had to support him. It has not worked in my case.

I have not bailed him out now for a long time financially. He has not stayed here for a few months now as I no longer allow that either. He is good at working / earning money so does not come to me for that.

Its awful isnt it, the pain. Constant anxiety & then taking a HUGE breath as I realised Ive been shallow breathing for days through fear.

Im on medication for anxiety & depression, but when the s*** hits the fan I dont feel a thing from it. It just keeps me above water during the good times. He knows it makes me ill but I miss him so much that I cannot stay away. I saw him yesterday & he looked amazing, really handsome & healthy. We even had a dance around his kitchen for 5 minutes. But I know its temporary or a cover up.

Its hard to have something to look forward to at the moment right? I have sometime small later – the beach & the sunset with the two teenagers here. That will do for now 🙂

Thank you XXXX

[cornwallmother2020]

Gosh it is THE most selfish thing. Sitting in front of them breaking your heart, rescuing from hideous situations, pleading with them over the phone, sending video messages when you cannot cope anymore. And they look at you, they tell you that the are sorry / they know they are hurting you. But they dont know. They dont have any idea.

“how do you think it is for me?” I hate it when he says that. I feel like screaming at him then.

Its been an exhausting week. I have had headaches, little sleep, eaten poorly & a panic attack. Yet I get up at 6am, work full time, parent two other children at home & look after my gorgeous dog. But how do I think it is for him????? How about how is it trying to work & keep your job when you want to curl up & cry. Or parent two children during a pandemic & not lose the plot so they worry about you too.

I envy people with a normal life. How do they live without the constant fear? How can anyone I know relate to me?

Apologies. That was a huge rant X

[cornwallmother2020]

Gosh it is THE most selfish thing. Sitting in front of them breaking your heart, rescuing from hideous situations, pleading with them over the phone, sending video messages when you cannot cope anymore. And they look at you, they tell you that the are sorry / they know they are hurting you. But they dont know. They dont have any idea.

“how do you think it is for me?” I hate it when he says that. I feel like screaming at him then.

Its been an exhausting week. I have had headaches, little sleep, eaten poorly & a panic attack. Yet I get up at 6am, work full time, parent two other children at home & look after my gorgeous dog. But how do I think it is for him????? How about how is it trying to work & keep your job when you want to curl up & cry. Or parent two children during a pandemic & not lose the plot so they worry about you too.

I envy people with a normal life. How do they live without the constant fear? How can anyone I know relate to me?

Apologies. That was a huge rant X

[cornwallmother2020]

Eddie thank you for your reply & for your concern. I really appreciate your empathy towards me. I have started to write on here as a release & Im considering a blog. I like writing & can express myself. I certainly slept a bit better last night after talking on here.

The hardest thing about it is he is my child so therefore I cannot walk away.

Im here for you too. I can listen.

Last night I distracted myself & today Ive been really busy with work so I have had no time to get upset. I just keep moving. Its when I stop that it hits me. So I dont stop.

[cornwallmother2020]

I cried that you had replied! Thank you so much. Already I dont feel so alone.

I am a professional & worked with vulnerable people my whole life. Ive worked in rehabs & with people detoxing from hard drugs. I know about detachment, but applying it when you are in the throws of panic is near impossible right? It will come but for today I am a stunned mess.

Thank you so so so much for replying

[cornwallmother2020]

I just wanted to offer my support. I have no words but I am going through very similar (for 12 years now) so you are heard & I am here if you need someone who can relate.

Take care

[cornwallmother2020]

I just wanted to offer my support. I have no words but I am going through very similar so you are heard & I am here if you need someone who can relate.

Take care

[cornwallmother2020]

I just wanted to offer my support. I have no words but I am going through very similar so you are heard & I am here if you need someone who can relate.

Take care

[cornwallmother2020]

I just wanted to offer my support. I have no words but I am going through very similar so you are heard & I am here if you need someone who can relate.

Take care

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