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A psychiatrist friend said something that I have found very helpful: the best thing you can do for him now is leave. It’s up to him whether he takes advantage of this opportunity.
Hello Meg58, I really feel your pain. Like Benzanna it is difficult for me to give advice since every person and every situation is unique. Perhaps I can share my story and see if that helps.
I am in my second marriage…to an alcoholic. I felt ashamed at first to admit that I had “done it again”, however, with the loving support of friends and family I have let that go, mostly.
My first husband is the father of my two children. His drinking and behaviour got worse so eventually I went to Al-Anon meetings and that was very helpful for me finally acknowledging that he was an alcoholic, I was scared, like you not knowing what each day would bring. Also, it gave me the strength to tell the children this and to say that his moods were not their fault. One thing I learnt there that has stayed with me is that they have to want help and often they need to reach rock bottom before they do. So the most important things were for me to take care of myself and detach. He needed to feel the consequences of his actions. After 28 years of being together, married for 22, I decided to leave. His drinking had got worse to the point that he had failure of 6 major organs, ended up in hospital and nearly died. It was really hard to tell my children, 15 and 12 at the time, that their father could die. I remember lying in bed and planning his funeral. I must admit that I did think life would be easier if he died. Years later my daughter (the youngest) told me that she had also wanted him to die. He pulled through and made a slow recovery. Until that point I had only spoken to his mother about his problem; she was in denial and I stopped talking to her about it. I didn’t talk about it because it felt disloyal. So, when he was hospitalised the truth came out and there were people there to support him. This enabled me to think about leaving. Initially I wanted to take the children with me but I travel a lot with work so would need to have a nanny. He wanted to rebuild his relationship with them and I felt that was his right, and they loved him. I knew that I had the strength to maintain a strong bond with them. So I left and got an apartment nearby so that they could spend weekends and holidays with me. That was a very hard time, particularly because my daughter was ashamed of and angry with me. Fast forward 12 years and my relationship with both kids is beautiful. They have a relationship with their father, my daughter more than my son.
And then, 6.5 years ago I moved in with the love of my life. We had known each other for 4 years then, had met at work. I have grown so much in the time we have been together, he thinks and sees the world differently to me. He is intelligent, funny, creative and has introduced me to things I would never have done. I loved being able to have long conversations with him about a wide range of topics and he introduced me to authors I should read. He always drank heavily, but when he was working he could only do that in the evenings, so at first I didn’t think much about it. Over the years there have been so many occasions where I have had to help him home, tend to cuts, mop up blood etc. His drinking got worse approx 4 years ago when he completed his last project (he’s self-employed) and was at home all day. I did not realise until recently just how controlling and manipulative he is. My son came to stay with us last summer, originally to get back on his feet. They have always got on well. However, he has turned on my son. I don’t know what triggered it, but it has been going on since approx Aug/Sept. He is delusional and paranoid, says my son is trying to kill him, get him out, destroying our marriage. Says my son destroyed my first marriage. He accuses him of all manner of things. His behaviour towards me has got very abusive (emotional and psychological) and I gave him a choice, like you did. He choose the bottle, so I started divorce proceedings in January. At first I worried about what will happen to him. This time his friends are both concerned and angry with him; no-one wants to take him in. He fabricates stories (I like your swiss cheese memory), forgets things that have happened etc. His state of mind means he will find it hard to work and support himself. However, the mental stress that both my son and I are suffering means that there is no going back. He has life easy, I take care of everything – the bills, groceries, cleaning etc. so all he has to do is buy his alcohol and basically drink, sleep and watch YouTube. Until I stop caring for him, he will never feel the consequences of his drinking/behaviour. Like your husband he doesn’t believe in therapy or rehab and I feel I have tried everything. Now it’s time to let go, detach and take care of myself, and more importantly, my son.
I’m sorry this post is so long. I hope it helps.