[davidk]

Hi Liberty

yeh to be honest most of how she is behaving is exactly how I always used to joke during happy times that she would, so I can hardly be surprised when she is acting exactly as I always predicted.

I’ve met a girl a few times now with plans to meet again etc, so that’s a good start, and from what I know she doesn’t have a secret drug habit ha. so that’s always a plus,

yeh the book is nothing to do with the band ha,

but it is really good, it just makes so much sense of so much really, like the whole dynamic of my relationship with an adult, as she was so repressed she repressed everyone around her, and I am open and want to talk about things but she could never allow that.

I have been recommended it to so many people, but yes ideally the addicts and mentally ill could benefit from it more as it’s them that are in need of the help to open up, whereas we as partners are already open but this book does help understand why they are like they are.

[davidk]

Hi Liberty,

sorry for the slow response,

well I think certainly the relationship was very one sided, and everything rested on me to hold it together and show love etc.

anyway the latest and potentially final piece of the story is she is now posting pics on facebook of her with some new guy, so I guess she has moved on from not wanting to hurt me to actively trying to hurt me now.

as this act is clearly done for no other purpose than to try and hurt me and/or get a reaction.

perhaps she thought this would make me come running but instead it has utterly repulsed me.

I haven’t even seen this myself as I never go on facebook, but she has my mum and sisters, and various friends and people I work with on her friends list, so she knows it will get back to me.

Its hilarious to be honest as she clearly wont be in love with this guy, and it is all just her protesting to much trying to make a statement and pretend her life is so great.

but all she has done is proved me right, I always said if we ever split up she would behave like this to try and pretend she is fine and I never meant anything, and here she is doing exactly what I always said she would.

as tempting as it is to publicly react I just can’t be bothered and will not lower myself to petty spitefulness.

I have been on a few dates myself in fact, so I am starting to believe that there could be someone out there that would actually appreciate me and not treat me so disgustingly as she has/still is.

and I’m quite sure she is aware of this and that is the motive behind her getting with the first guy to come along to try and publicly appear to have moved on first and therefore “win” ha.

only I’ll be the one winning when I find someone that I actually want to be with that respects me and wants to build a good life together, whilst she can “win” by pretending shes happy with someone she doesn’t even fancy.

the lengths she will go to to spite herself really knows no limit.

oh and I spoke to her next door neighbor yesterday who I always got on well with and found out the small version of the truth she had told him for our splitting,

surprisingly she had admitted that it was because I didn’t like her doing coke, i laughed and said yeh it was a bit more than just a bit of coke.

also, I have been reading a book called “the new primal scream” which I would highly recommend anyone on here to read as it is very insightful on repression, and how this is probably largely what comes first, and later the repressed person turns to drugs to keep repressing etc.

this book has helped me understand a lot, annoyingly it makes the addict the victim though so you start feeling sorry for them again despite how awful they behave.

[davidk]

Hi Liberty,

happy birthday

hope it went ok if you’ve already had it.

I had a good time in the lake district, was lucky the weather was nice tuesday and wednesday so i climbed mountains those days and then thursday and friday being bad rain didn’t matter so much.

I’ve had a call from work today asking me back, so as of tomorrow i’ll be back at work full time I think, not sure if this will help or make me feel worse to be honest.

might be a good distraction.

I keep emotionally moving between various points, like some days I am distracted enough that i’m almost ok, but then other days like the last few days I’m back having bad dreams about everything and then spending my days torturing myself going over it all.

It just seems like the more time that passes the worse I feel, like I can’t believe she has done this to me and still hasn’t seen sense and made contact.

I keep expecting to hear something that will upset me more too like if she starts seeing someone else etc.

I honestly thought I was the luckiest guy on earth, that I had found true love, I was in no way settling for someone I didn’t love, and both of us always acted like we were so glad to have found each other as it felt like there was no one else in the world that could be so right, but now all of this just feels like lies, I meant everything and my commitment was honest, but now I start thinking was she just a sociopath, mirroring how I was and feeding me what I needed to hear etc, in which case its all just bullshit, and that just makes me hate everything more, to think someone could behave like that, but it feels like it because she has done nothing to repair everything that she has broken, so it’s like I clearly didn’t mean much to her and our whole relationship was held together and created from my input and my input alone.

essentially I believe life is better with someone to share it with, and you should want to make each others lives as good as possible, and I can honestly say I spent the last 7 years doing that for her, whilst taking a lot of shit in the process, so I just cannot believe she would throw me away like this like I never meant a thing.

Love should be enough, but against drugs love doesn’t count for shit.

[davidk]

Hi Liberty,

sounds like a familiar situation to my own,

they just push us away.

and I guess eventually we can only take so much,

obviously my limit was having the kids used as a weapon against me was the final straw really, and I could no longer excuse her behavior like I had all these years.

I have still had no contact, and the longer she leaves it the more angry I feel, I’m getting to the point of thinking maybe I never actually meant anything to her at all, despite all the good times, its like the memory of them is fading so all I am left with is the hurt caused not only at the end, but the memories of all the other times she treated me utterly unfair and selfishly.

I alternate though, so some days I feel so angry at how she has treated me, and angry with myself for pandering to her for all those years which in effect enabled her to treat me like it more.

but part of me fills with sadness and I start crying etc when I pity her and think how messed up it must be inside her head to be so incapable of any sort of self reflection, and to constantly act so self destructively seemingly with no control to stop herself.

still having lots of walks and have actually booked a hotel next week so I can go up to the lake district for a few nights this time rather than my long day trips ha.

what do you think you will do next?

[davidk]

Hi,

sorry to hear you are in a similar boat as myself,

it is a very difficult situation as of course we feel responsible because we are normal people with normal emotions, yet its the addict that isn’t being responsible.

I was just pushed to the point by her and the kids though to feel its not me turning my back on them but quite the other way round, they have all abandoned and betrayed me.

I did everything I could and that wasn’t enough.

how old are your partners kids?

I guess if my partners kids were younger I’d feel worse about things but because they are old enough to get things, yet made me feel so hated it is hard for me not to feel extremely hurt and bitter towards them, I’m not spiteful but it almost pushes me to the point of feeling spiteful towards them because they have thrown everything I ever did for them back in my face.

essentially I seemed to care more about the welfare of that family than that family cares about themselves, so they probably don’t miss me or even realise how much I did for them because they are all so messed up and broken and no amount of love and care will ever be enough to change that.

so what’s your current situation with your partner?

[davidk]

how’s things going now,

have you had any more contact since you got the money back?

and how long have you known him?

I did a lot of driving again yesterday as I decided to do helvellyn mountain again, I took my dad this time, so that was a nice thing for him to come and experience.

I still did all the driving though even though he could have driven for a bit, I don’t really like being a passenger anyway.

weather was really bad and windy up there and loads of fog so couldn’t actually see the top or the bottom ha and we were freezing but we survived that’s the main thing.

[davidk]

is it 20 years you have been with your partner?

totally know what you mean, one minute they want help and support, and the next minute they are throwing all that help back in your face and accusing you of trying to control them etc.

a friend of mine described me well in that I’m not controlling I am in control. which are quite different things.

and surely if I did want to be controlling people I picked the worst family ever to meet that demand as they are out of control ha, surely I would have found some timid quiet girl to bully about, but of course I’m not that person that’s just her drug manipulation painting me that way.

I’m not a driver for a job, I run stores and dispatch of the factory, but a few years ago we sold a lot of bulky items that were going straight to sites so I would always volunteer to do the driving to get out the factory for the day. Since then we have changed the core of the business so most stuff goes out with dpd or on pallets so the driving pretty much stopped, also I no longer have anyone else in my department to leave looking after things so I don’t like driving anymore as it means neglecting my actual job and coming back to chaos ha.

[davidk]

11 miles is still a pretty good long walk, no wonder you had sore feet.

glad you got the money back.

I’m not sure what my future will hold, but I think being a partner of an addict you eventually hit a point where things cannot continue as they are, I think I stood by a lot for a long time before hitting that point, and compared to her previous relationships the 7 years with me was more than double anything she had ever had before, so I guess I could put up with twice as much ha.

But still, I’d like nothing more than for her to fix all this, but don’t really know if she ever will, but I don’t believe I can fix it as that would just be repeating the past of ignoring problems rather than dealing with them, so until she is ready to talk and deal with things I don’t see any point in me making contact.

yes so I hear its a full moon, or a pink moon tonight/tomorrow, I don’t normally take much notice of stuff like that but might be nice to go out for a late night stroll.

as for climbing the mountain and the long drive, I have driven a lot of long distance doing deliveries for work so driving doesn’t bother me too much, especially if it’s on a motorway without traffic, whereas driving in south London can and will drive me insane ha.

[davidk]

yeh it was great to climb the mountain,

my head hasn’t been driving me quite so mad lately, and I’ve been sleeping better,

so the mountain was especially enjoyable as I wasn’t mentally torturing myself like I have been for months.

I am a bit achy now but but I think its from the long drive rather than the walking, as it was a 500 mile round trip and I did both journeys in around 4 hours each without breaks so too long sat down ha.

I guess the thing with having no contact from her in over 6 weeks now means that I’m not as angry and upset as I was 6 weeks ago, like it still upsets me to think about it and I still miss her, but I don’t feel possessed by emotion like I had, whereas if I still had some contact it would no doubt keep reopening the wound.

I refuse to look on facebook or anything as I hate it anyway and I’m sure seeing posts on there would only wind me up.

sorry to hear things are bad for you at the minute, dealing is a nightmare scenario like you say, it means he’s actively involved in spreading the misery for others too, and also just means they are surrounded by other people that make it seem normal. and no doubt the person he is dealing for is bad news and a nasty piece of work, I mean people that deal in drugs that ruin peoples lives are normally either nasty people or addicted themselves.

so do you think this is it, will you cut him off for good, and will he try and fix things or does he just let things go along and leave you to fix everything (like my situation)and I hope you haven’t given him too much money that you wont get back.

walk along the thames sounds good, how much of it did you walk,

I do a lot of walking most days, there is a nice lake and river (that does eventually join the thames ha) by my house so I have a few nice routes I go on locally.

I like to get my 10000 steps every day I guess that’s my addiction ha.

[davidk]

well I guess I’m probably being a bit hard on myself there,

I wouldn’t have really been a horrible person before,

I think it’s more that the relationship made me grow up a lot, and also think about others and the effects of things a lot more than I and probably most people normally would.

I am a caring and very passionate person about the things and people I care about, so I guess it was only natural that through loving her I would of course want nothing more than to look after her and try to make her happy.

But some of this could also be through my fear of the bad times, so by always trying to keep everything good was maybe me trying to avoid her having any reason to go mental with extreme mood swings etc.

But the list is quite endless of the things all of us partners do for them that is unappreciated, and I’m sure all of us could write a book on all the shitty and selfish things they have done to us in return, all the special occasions ruined for one reason or another etc.

In fact, it always seemed to me like she would want to do nice things but it was almost like the pressure on herself to do so would cause her to mess it all up.

I think her thinking will be massively confused due to drugs,

and a lot of it is hating herself,

so one minute she probably believes she has treated me bad and doesn’t deserve me, so therefore thinks she is doing the right thing by letting me go,

then another her more into the drugs will be convincing herself that I was somehow the enemy,

and then occasionally there might be the 3rd her, that is thinking positive and wants to sort herself out and stop taking drugs and would want to fix things, unfortunately the other two personas have a greater influence, and all 3 can chop and change all too fast.

as for acting a bitch to him, perhaps it would help him see what he might lose,

but in my case I feel that by calling her bluff on that, it has only proved her love for drugs was stronger than her love for me.

I had already decided I would no longer pick up the pieces and do so much for them all before we split, but never really got a chance to see how that would have panned out, but perhaps she wouldn’t have cared so much for me if I stopped doing all the things I did to make her life easy. also I feel by helping so much it was enabling her, it was helping her pretend things were fine etc, perhaps now they live in chaos again the kids might realise that there is actually a problem and therefore want to actually support their mum to get better rather than encouraging her to get worse.

anyway I treated myself to a nice day out yesterday to do something I wanted to do a few years ago on holiday with girlfriend and the kids, so I drove myself to the lake district and climbed helvellyn on my own.

It was a very nice sunny day for it, so now I have a sunburnt face ha.

[davidk]

ha no I don’t have two heads or anything,

I’m not really that weird just my appearance probably gets stereotyped differently to the type of personality I have, as I have more of a “drug user” appearance, which is hilarious considering I don’t even drink etc and am actually a lot more interested in yoga and eating well etc.

but yes the downhill looks of use will get uglier and uglier, I do worry that eventually she will have made herself age and look so bad that I will no longer fancy her anyway. so being ugly as well as the ugly personality that drugs give them.

do you think the stronger we get though the more they start to cut us out, I feel like this is part of it, the fact that I opened my eyes and saw through all the lies etc eventually, she now knows she can’t fool me anymore so therefore it makes it a lot harder for her to deal with being around me.

it sounds similar with your boyfriend, like you have wised up too much to it all so they are trapped with only being able to push us away as the lies to keep us close have lost power now.

as for feeling lost,I meant the good boyfriend that I was to her is lost, as she bought out the best in me, I wasn’t so kind and considerate before I met her, I was like that through my feelings for her and I guess the sense of responsibility I felt through all the chaos so it forced me to be the adult and to be a better person, and I now worry I couldn’t do all that again for anyone else.

Even if we were to get back together I feel like I couldn’t do it all again for her either though let alone someone new.

I guess I’m just scared by the idea of ever loving again.

[davidk]

Hi Liberty,

by losing family and pets I meant the family with her yes, so not any of my family,

although to be honest I feel like its probably only the cats that miss me now ha.

We never had kids together (I’ve never wanted any and she had them young) so it was never an issue, but I can assure you if I did have them they would NOT be left there with her now. I feel bad enough about leaving her kids and the cats in the shit like this, but they chose not to back me up when I was trying to confront the problem and have actively encouraged it, so what more can I do but hope by them seeing things go downhill again that that will speak for itself why I was acting as I was and they will see what I was trying to prevent.

and yeh you are nearly right, I’m nearly 35, so not quite early thirties anymore ha,

but I do have my “shit together” for the most part, I’m good with money and can drive and have an alright job (hopefully I still have one to return to) and if I love someone then I don’t need to celebrate valentines day because I will treat them good every day and buy nice gifts anytime I see something thoughtful.

I don’t imagine many women would complain if they had a boyfriend that did half the gestures I would do for her.

I felt like I had become the nagging wife though, that’s how messed up drugs made the dynamic.

like I imagine there is a lot of women working whilst their partner is on furlough and they come home to find he has slept half the day and then played the playstation the rest of it, or had friends round and just made general mess and drinks/food rubbish everywhere.

whereas I was still getting up with her in the morning and made sure everyday when she came home from work the house was tidy etc , washing up done, hoovered, and countless little things like repairing things, diy projects, tidying up etc and if I had a friend round they were helping me with a diy project.

As it has been for the most part my friends and family that would help with most projects/decorating/diy etc but I guess that’s because I am more surrounded by people that have their lives together and can be counted on to help, whereas druggy friends can only be counted on for one thing.

if only I didn’t look like such a weirdo I’m sure the ladies would be lining up haha.

but seriously, I fell madly in love with her, I have only been a good partner because I cared so much for her that it bought out the best in me,

so this best version of myself is probably about as lost as the best version of her is.

[davidk]

oh and as for work,

no idea when I will be back, as long as furlough scheme is in place my workplace will probably be making use of it unless the order books go up a lot.

I have been trying to stay busy though, mostly going on walks each day,

I also have quite a long routine in the morning with yoga/exercise.

also been doing some music etc and see a few friends sometimes so not too bad really.

how about you? whats your work situation?

[davidk]

Hi,

yeh its an interest thing isn’t it, like is it a choice, as they aren’t strong enough to stop it,

although the thing that she hurt me the most with wasn’t using drugs in itself but all the abusive behavior and lies etc that went with it which surely she has some choice of that.

I totally agree that it is like being cheated on, but my girlfriend is rarely sorry for anything, especially when she is still self delusional under the spell of drugs.

for example, about 3 weeks ago, she asked a friend of mine to help her move a large item with his truck, so he did this thinking it might be a good thing as he can then see what its like round there.

she then said to him how she hasn’t been smoking etc and then lit up a spliff, and basically tried to make out that the problem was me being up tight about it etc.

Him being my closest friend obviously he knows all the details etc so he knows this is total bullshit, and I told him I didn’t mind him helping her so long as he stood up to her if she in any way tried to turn things around about me.

so he did stand up for me, and challenged her a bit about how drugs are in no way making her life better etc.

but anyway my point is, to me her smoking during his short visit was just like rubbing it in my face and it is basically the same as if she had been cheating on me and then asked my friend around and the person she cheated on me with was round there, that’s how it felt to me, like i was being attacked via my friend as she obviously knew he would tell me everything.

so that was after 3 weeks of us having not spoken, which I would have hoped would be long enough for her to reflect on things and realise she has treated me like shit and should be trying to fix things but instead she just uses the opportunity of seeing my friend to anger me more.

[davidk]

Hi,

sorry I’ve been slow replying on here,

sometimes coming on here helps but other times I just try to avoid it as I do tend to work myself up.

anyway, currently I still haven’t made contact with her, so that’s over 5 weeks now.

pretty shocking that she still hasn’t in that time reflected on things enough to realise that it should be her contacting me, with one big apology.

but I don’t really think I will ever get it, or I certainly won’t whilst she wants drugs.

as for your question of whats in it for me etc,

well whilst she is like this, nothing is in it for me but hurt,

but I guess I’m still hoping for that other her to return, and weirdly she does return pretty quick once she’s opened her eyes again and wants to stop using drugs.

so I have had this side of her in recent times and on and off throughout all the bad times, which I guess is what keeps me going with some faith all the time.

I wonder if what we go through with our partners is similar to what someone goes through caring for a loved one with dementia etc, as that must be similar in that you love the person so much, and their body remains, but the person you love just seems to have gotten lost inside their body somewhere.

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