[davidk]

thanks for your kind words,

I know that’s what I should do, and kind of currently am,

yet I know if she came back to me with the apology I feel I deserve then I probably would want her back, as pathetic as that is.

[davidk]

Hi liberty

thanks for reading my story and your kind words.

you make some very good points,

interesting about the choice of partners addicts have although I guess this isn’t always the case as you do get couples that are both users,

I have thought about this a lot though, that basically the only thing I wouldn’t do for my girlfriend was condone drugs.

so that means the only thing any future partner for her could ever offer her that I didn’t was a shared love for drugs.

pretty sad really that that would be worth more than everything else.

Have you noticed though that people with problems surround themselves with others with the same problems, I guess they find it easier to be honest about themselves if their friends are similar, whereas someone like me makes it harder for them to keep up the self delusion.

So what stage are things at with your boyfriend,

how long have you been together and do you have kids/house etc together tying you down?

I find it quite ironic that all the things a drug problem normally causes the user to lose (family, home, pets,job) are all the things I am losing whilst she keeps it all (job doesn’t really count but I am currently still on furlough so job security on top of everything else feels strangely relevant to my current state)

[davidk]

hi thanks for reading,

I have read about codependency relationships too, and have certainly noticed some similarities between that and my own relationship.

its weird because I don’t typical fall into the type of person to be like that, whereas my partners kids would be quite possibly likely to end up like that as they have spent all their lives surrounded by chaos and disorder and having to always put their mums emotions before their own.

although I guess in the time we were together I then had to start putting her feelings before my own too as does anyone around her.

I am just heartbroken by things really, and had invested all that time building what I thought was my future, I guess part of me did like having a sense of responsibility from it all.

Talking to a friend yesterday about it all, he pointed out that I was basically having to be the adult for all 3 of them, and this was largely the problem that the dynamic was all wrong, and she was incapable of being the parent.

essentially I never wanted to take care of them or anyone though, only to help them be better to themselves.

the thing that is so hard to explain to people especially anyone who hasn’t had a partner like this is that, when the “good” version of the partner is there, things are amazing and you feel invincible and on top of the world, but this is why when the bad version comes back it makes you fall so far.

And I am just clinging onto the top of the world still.

It really is just loving someone but there is 2 people in their head and you hate the other one, and trying to fight that one away.

[davidk]

it’s just so frustrating because all the solutions are just so obvious, yet they are all just so blind.

and its like no amount of spiting themselves would ever make them see that they are their own worst enemies.

all the problems within their home that could be resolved as they are all caused from within, but they are just so determined to bury their heads in the sand and think if you ignore things they go away.

its just so hard to love someone so much yet have to stand back and do nothing

its hard for me to just let it go, its not my nature, I’m so committed to things and also have a tendency to dwell on stuff so it is just eating me up

[davidk]

thats good to hear.

hopefully it does finish the course then.

pretty miserable here,

we haven’t spoke at all for over 3 weeks,

the more time that passes the more hurt I feel,

I can think of nothing but everything that’s happened and she acts like she doesn’t care.

some days I am ok or just angry, and then other days I just feel so sad about it all and start randomly crying.

I think it’s cus its not just drugs, but as a result of the damage I have now lost everything that was my life, the family, the home the cats, my sense of responsibility, It was my purpose, so now I just feel empty and completely cheated by them, and all I want is for them to fix things and make it all ok but I know they are all too messed up to even see themselves at fault so I will just endlessly feel like shit wanting answers that they wont/cant give.

[davidk]

hi thelostone,

how things going with you, is he still in rehab?

[davidk]

well its so weird,

because she had been seeming better, and acting like her old self,

but I think she probably just keeps going back and forth between feeling positive and wanting to stop, and then using again, the endless cycle. which without proper help I cannot see her breaking anytime soon.

I should write it all down though, whether or not I’ll send it her is a different matter, and then she is 2 people so it would depend which one read it.

[davidk]

yeh I had thought about writing it all down in a letter

but then its back to it being me having to be the one resolving things again rather than her ever doing anything about it.

I just don’t know why she is so incapable of making things better, why am I the one trying to fix everything that she has broken.

surely any normal person that has broken things that they don’t want to lose would make some effort and gesture to fix it, but she is so good at turning everything back to front.

Its almost like your partner has cheated and instead of being sorry and trying to make things better, they somehow make it you that was in the wrong and you that has to fix it, thats how it feels.

for the minute I am just staying quiet, will see if she contacts me after a while as I hope she will calm down and eventually figure out that she has hurt me in ways that can only be fixed if she fixes them.

[davidk]

I think you are probably right,

although she is so stubborn and awkward in general that I think its like a defense mechanism in her brain, that if anyone is “attacking” her, she turns into a different person and attacks back harder.

of course this means that any attempt to ever discuss anything she has done to hurt me means I am “attacking” her by talking about it.

so it is just a complete catch 22.

basically the options are keep your mouth shut or split up, that’s all she offers and I am so sick and tired of it now.

the saying “my way or the highway” is her approach to people in general and the relationship is certainly no exception to this.

Hope the rehab isn’t a waste of time, and he is ready to see it through when he gets out, for your sake as much as his own.

but yes of course, all trust is gone, yet my partner in the next breathe will seem shocked that I don’t believe a thing she says, is he like that too, like they are so quick to forget the way they have treated people.

[davidk]

annoying when it doesn’t let us post, don’t know why something triggers spam filter sometimes.

I don’t actually know if she is using or not,

we met up a few times and had really nice days together and she seemed like her good self, but thats the thing, she can only be like this if I keep my mouth shut, as soon as I try and talk about anything she turns into a different person.

so its not fair that things can only ever work if I bottle up how I feel, it shouldn’t be like that.

she is creating a negative environment for herself as she is her own worst enemy.

whilst I have no contact with her it is almost easier, as I have to let things go, whereas when we started talking again, it just opens up all these questions again and wanting answers but she is just too impossible to get anywhere with.

perhaps she is still using, or it is just too soon for her to be able to accept things and try to work through them, so maybe I shouldn’t have pushed it too soon, but then it’s back to everything always being about them and their feelings, whilst as usual our emotions are pushed back.

[davidk]

Hi Dre

sorry to hear things haven’t been going well for you,

it really sounds like he is a waste of time, and doesn’t have any respect for you,

you really are better off cutting him out of your life, and hopefully by doing so you will move on and find someone who treats you right.

at least you haven’t invested years of your life with him.

but of course this is all easier said than done.

I was talking to my girlfriend and seeing her again for a few weeks,

but now we aren’t talking at all again,

basically I feel like to move on we need to address the things that happened and be able to discuss them in order to try and move forward, but when I attempted to do this she turned into that other person inside her head that is impossible to have a conversation with.

of course this pushes the buttons for me too, so it just turns into an argument.

its so frustrating as I only want to talk about things to try and help resolve them and hopefully get over the negative feelings I feel about everything, but its hard to ever do that if nothing ever changes and yet again I just feel unappreciated and hurt.

I’ve never known anyone be so difficult, and so stubborn, I think these are common traits amongst drug users though, and every time we let them back into our lives we make the mistake of thinking we can penetrate through this wall they have built around themselves and actually get somewhere, but ultimately we get nowhere and things go straight back to where we started. the endless cycle…..

how are things with you “thelostone”?

[davidk]

Hi,

I can totally relate to your struggle to ever trust him again,

and the sandpaper tongue when kissing is a pretty big give away when my partner is doing coke, although I guess other things could cause that, but like you, I would struggle not to be paranoid about any of these things.

I guess all you can do is hope he is being truthful and know that if he is lying it will have a way of coming out without you really looking for it as a proper case of addiction becomes pretty apparent especially if you have already lived through all those lies already.

fingers crossed for both of you.

[davidk]

probably a good thing no kids involved at least,

there is always that good patch that keeps us wanting them, its this desire we have for things to return to the way they were.

and perhaps that can happen sometimes, but sadly most stories on here don’t have the fairytail ending we wish for.

and of course 99% of the time you find something out, after all we aren’t just being paranoid, they really are guilty, but they become such good liars we have to search for evidence to convince ourselves, the lies keep implanting that doubt in us so it constantly needs new evidence and proof etc.

its a shame as all the times I catch her out, I don’t take any pleasure in it, in fact quite the opposite, I wish I was proved wrong.

[davidk]

Hi Jadeem,

I just read your story, sounds like a sad situation to be in,

clearly its not a good thing for you to be going through, and a shame you cannot talk to family or friends about it,

how long have you two been together and do you have any kids?

I totally relate to a lot of what you are saying, like the way it turns us into a detective because its so frustrating knowing they are lying to our faces, but even when you catch them red handed that doesn’t actually change anything sadly.

[davidk]

thanks for reading and the comment, and yes of course all of us need to leave these partners, but I guess if it was that easy a forum like this wouldn’t exist at all 🙂

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