[davidk]

I know this really, and it had been going pretty well on the whole, I had been sleeping good etc, but last few nights i haven’t and I think then it is worse until i get a good nights sleep, so fingers crossed I sleep better tonight.

also, the thing that bothers me so much is that fact that 2 children that aren’t addicts seem so blind to it all, that is the part I find hardest to deal with as surely we should have all wanted the best for their mum and been on the same team, us vs addiction.

I can mentally deal with my girlfriend in all this better than the kids, as at least she has a drug problem to make some form of excuse for her behavior, but the kids I find completely baffling, like surely if anyone should know the negative side of drugs better than anyone it is them as that is the life they have had to live.

and its not like these are young children, 15 and 21, surely old enough to get the bigger picture.

[davidk]

yes this is totally why I think she threw me away as it was harder for her to keep up the delusion that their isn’t a problem when we kept arguing about it.

its mad that they think the problem was the arguing itself, yet the reason of the arguments has only gotten worse since I left, so surely the kids should see that, that removing me hasn’t actually removed the problem, only they can now all pretend it doesn’t exist.

I went out for a big walk today so feel a bit better now, and had been feeling a lot better in general the last few weeks, it was just the birthday thing yesterday bringing things to the surface,

also another thing this week,as i have been sorting out all the things I bought home from her house, she had put all my books into bags, and as I was going through the bags I noticed a receipt from iceland in the bag, and this just confirmed yet another part of her deception as back when i first returned at new year I commented on how she has no money 2 days after she gets money yet the cupboards are all empty, she claimed to have done a huge shop in iceland, which I knew at the time was clearly bullshit, and now 2 months later stumbling across the £51 receipt only confirmed what I already knew.

this conversation happened in front of the kids and they seemed fooled at the time by her saying about how much they had eaten the last two days, I feel like showing them the receipt as proof of the bullshit that I have been sold out to, obviously I wont, but its so frustrating that I have been reduced to less than all these lies.

so there is case in point, argument over how she is clearly wasting money on drugs, me looking out for the kids as its them that wont be fed properly as a result of this, yet its turned round that i am somehow the bad guy in this, yet she is the one literally affording drugs through benefits that she isn’t using to look after the children with. and now without me there how exactly does that resolve this problem, clearly it doesn’t, it just means it is now even easier for her to waste money unquestioned.

[davidk]

yeh it’s a shame the police just can’t do enough to stop the dealers

I was feeling a lot more positive recently but started feeling shit again yesterday,

it was her daughters birthday yesterday,

I didn’t message to say happy birthday as I feel to bitter about everything, but part of me still feels bad that I am having to turn my back on the family, but I feel so utterly betrayed by them.

no doubt this will only further their image of me being the bad guy, but what about all the hurt they have caused me, why should I always be the one to rise above it.

I felt like they clearly don’t give a shit about me, when I left for the final time her daughter was to busy smoking weed in the garden to even say goodbye, and effectively its her that has caused all this anyway,

also, when I was getting my stuff the other week I saw her son and he couldn’t even say hello, so if that’s how I’m being treated then why should I make an effort,

I made the effort back at xmas and look where that got me.

everything is just taken for granted by the whole family, none of them seem to have any respect or appreciation for anything anyone does for them.

I could deal with my partner having a relapse, I couldn’t deal with the betrayal coming from within the house and her having a relapse at her own daughters hands, and perhaps one day her daughter will open her eyes and realise she has caused her mum to have a complete relapse and destroyed a relationship with someone that would do anything to help all three of them, was I really worth so little.

also, I saw my girlfriend had posted a thing on facebook about how she knows true love because she thinks she would be happy to see me with someone else that could treat me properly and accepting that she couldn’t so therefore seeing me happy means more to her than her own selfish desires.

this annoyed me too, as it’s basically admitting that she has treated me like shit yet she is posting that on there for everyone else to see yet she knows I wouldn’t normally see it as I rarely go on, and surely she should be saying some kind of apology to me, not some bullshit thing like that on facebook,

i felt like commenting on it saying “sadly I’ll probably never find someone else as I have had my trust and faith in honesty utterly shattered”

so yeh, this just got me thinking like mad yesterday and bringing back all the feelings of hurt they have caused me.

[davidk]

fingers crossed he stays in, I guess the first few weeks of detox will be the hardest part.

glad the dealer won’t be knocking on your door then.

[davidk]

Glad to hear he is in rehab now,

can he check himself out or is that it for certain for 3 months now.

its certainly the mental holiday you deserve and I hope this dealer isn’t going to be bothering you for his debt.

[davidk]

Hi Mell,

sorry to hear of your situation,

It’s so utterly frustrating, and no one who hasn’t been with a partner with an addiction can really understand it.

feel for you on the kids front, the feeling that she turned the kids against me, and how utterly blind they are to what’s really going on is the part I am finding hardest to deal with, they aren’t my kids, but even so, I’m a very loyal person, so to think that I could selflessly be there for them for 7 years to be sold out so easily in return is very upsetting to me.

Is your partner the dad of your kids,

and does he admit he has a problem or is he still in complete denial?

[davidk]

3 months will give you a good break,

and at least you will know he is in the best place so should give your head just what it needs and deserves

[davidk]

well i hope rehab helps him sort himself out,

Do you see yourself as more like a supportive friend rather than a romantic interest in him now.

here’s a quote from a book I was reading that I think sums up my current calm

“once you’ve vanished its best to stay that way,to return is to rematerialise into the madness of others”

so by refusing to re enter the home or even see the kids or anything, I have avoided the madness of that house rematerilising for me, and for me to return there I think would just cause all the previous hurt and emotion to return, but currently out of sight out of mind seems to be working.

[davidk]

cool so how long will he be in rehab for, and what is you intention when he gets out.

I posted a few pages back the latest in my story, but it kept getting blocked, so by the time it finally came through we had a couple more pages of messages.

that said, since then, getting all my stuff from her house etc, I didn’t think we would speak at all, but in fact she has been in touch a lot.

I feel like something has changed within me though, I guess time has helped, as you can’t stay the same level of angry or upset etc indefinitely

I now feel a certain kind of acceptance of things I think.

Like I know it is completely out of my control to try and remove her desire for drugs, and where before I was attempting to control that, now I don’t.

I have met up with her a couple of times, and avoided arguing and she acts like everything is fine in her life, but obviously the fact that she has completely submitted to weed on a daily basis now and I have my suspicions that she is doing coke too, pretty much speaks for how fine things really are.

I think I now understand how big a part self deception plays in their lives though, and with less of me around it is easier for her to deceive herself.

Like she is doing drugs but also decorating the bedroom, and doing lots of baking and going on walks etc, so she has positive things too, but I’m sure in her head this is all just part of the balancing act of convincing herself that she is ok because she is doing positive things too, but really its over compensating.

And I think the main task in their heads is figuring out how to manage with drugs, rather than realising that they should be trying to manage without drugs,

since finding this weird acceptance though I feel like I don’t even spend much time thinking about any of it anymore, Its almost like a weight is lifted from me really, as in some ways not only am I no longer trying to deal with her addiction, but I am no longer a pretend parent etc, I no longer have any responsibility to anyone else.

Its like I am the old me again ha.

Also, I read a bit about codependency relationships, and can see how in some ways it was like I had become like that, and its funny as research into that would normally look at historic traumas that make people this way, yet I am quite sure in my case it wasn’t anything historic, it was the present situation, being the partner to an addict, and the changes it makes on all of us because of what we are dealing with.

[davidk]

Hi, how have you been?

[davidk]

it still seems to block it as i’ve tried to re post it now so it’s not buried a few pages back now out of context.

so I don’t think the error with spam filter has been fixed.

[davidk]

yeh I can get that,

some of it is pretty hard to read,

but at the same time I feel like its helping me see into the side of the person that my girlfriend spent so long hiding.

of course every addict is different, but it sure seems like in a lot of ways they are all the same though

[davidk]

and the cost the drugs have on them is our love.

I still find it so hard to accept that I am worth less than a stupid drug, that it can have so much power to control people and make them actively fight for their own misery.

but at the same time am I not guilty of the same, to keep wanting this person that causes me such heartache, yet I still want them for the good side, which I guess is what keeps them choosing drugs.

have you ever read any books by irvine welsh? most famous for the book/film trainspotting.

I am currently reading the prequel to it called skag boys.

quite insightful to the way of life these people choose,

and sad reading the chapter of renton dumping his then girlfriend because she would be in the way of his new relationship with heroin and of course heroin was priority number one.

[davidk]

one thing I am starting to think is that its impossible to remain partially in their lives and stay friends etc.

for us to get over them we need a clean break, in the same way for them to get over drugs they need to completely stop them, as cutting down doesnt work.

last few weeks of having some contact seemed like it was just winding me up whereas when we weren’t talking at all I was still upset but their was no new grief added on top.

[davidk]

Hi,

sorry to hear this,

when my posts eventually show you will see the latest and currently end point of my story.

I like how you refer to your going back to him as a lapse too, because that is what we are doing, by still allowing them back in it is us letting the problem back into our lives just as they are letting the drugs back into theirs.

what do you intend to do next?

[Author]

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