[davidk]

my posts still don’t seem to want to come through,

I keep trying so probably be 10 of them at once at this rate

No idea why they are being filtered as they don’t break any guidelines and certainly don’t contain profanity!!

[davidk]

I keep trying to post a reply but some filter keeps blocking it,

it will probably come through 4 times in a bit

[davidk]

Hi all that are following.

so the latest is that over the last few weeks she had been messaging me a bit just every day casual stuff, so nothing addressing the issues.

we spoke for the first time in a month in a video call a couple of days ago, where I learn she has now progressed to smoking weed out of the bedroom window.

and she couldn’t even go without this for the duration of our call.

I find it impossible to imagine being so utterly unaware and insensitive that she could still do that, the thing that has destroyed everything, and we finally speak after a month and she does that on a call. it is beyond my comprehension to behave in this way.

we briefly met up last night,but I said I wouldn’t come in the house so she came out to my car, and absolutely stank of weed.

I popped over to get something I had left there.

we arranged to meet up today when the kids would be out etc (as the main reason I don’t want to go in the house is because I cannot face seeing the kids as I feel that we have completely lost them now to drugs and the only way I can deal with it is to pretend they don’t exist)

So I went round today and the whole house completely stinks of weed the second you open the front door, (as clearly smoking out of a window doesn’t make much difference)

in the bedroom there is just a tray she skins up on covered in fag butts and weed etc, a totally return to the past.

I don’t know if she is doing coke as well, but she has clearly allowed weed to completely re enter her life and a daily lifestyle.

I proceeded to get all my remaining belongings (which all now stink of weed)

I tried to talk to her, tried to make her understand that she doesn’t have to destroy everything etc, but she just says she is happy being single and her life of drugs etc.

It really doesn’t look like a good happy healthy home and certainly not a place you would expect someone who works in a primary school to be living with her own children so i find it very hard to believe she is actually happy, she is just submitted to the drugs now.

she says she is sorry for upsetting me etc, but i just told her there is no point being sorry because she clearly doesn’t understand what it is she has done to hurt me so much, because if she did she would be able to go without weed during a phone call with me or a visit.

I really hope one day she opens her eyes and her and the kids realise I wasn’t the bad guy that I feel they have now turned me into (which she denies but I can just sense it) and that if I ever was trying to control her it was that I was trying to control everyday to be as happy as possible.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend how someone can be so messed up in their own head to hurt someone like she has hurt me whilst still maintaining to love me.

I still feel like the root of it all is that she hates herself too much to accept being loved, and that is a very hard thing for me to accept.

I’m now going through all the stuff I bought back from hers and just so upset thinking of all the memories of everything we done in 7 years and how drugs can just destroy it all, as without the issue of drugs I really feel we we’re meant to be, and i would have stayed with her till the end of time.

[davidk]

I think our experience with an addict sounds pretty similar,

yes I think she is pushing me away because she cannot face herself, and I refuse to condone what is happening by burying my head in the sand, whereas her and the kids seem willing to bury theirs.

It makes it hard for her to pretend there isn’t a problem when I’m there pointing it out.

maybe once she faces her problem she will be ready to face me, but I cannot be the one to fix this only she can, but a lot of stuff is permanently broken this time, things will never go back to what they were even if she never repeats any of the past again (which isn’t very likely as this stuff has a way of repeating)

the past few weeks have been quite a ride in terms of emotions for me,

but I do feel stronger now than I have at any other point,

to the point that you do start thinking “do I even want to go back?”

funny enough last night she did txt me just casual stuff like how are you?

but I don’t know how to take it, and rather than being over the moon that she is making contact I’m just dreading that it is building up to something worse like rather than her finally understanding why I am so hurt, she will just say things to add more to my pain.

although it was probably just the usual technique of trying to act normal and not actually address anything, in the style of ignoring a problem and hoping it will disappear, which was the normal resolve to any arguments.

[davidk]

Hi,

thanks for the catch up,

things have been quiet here, so no progress in any way,

I have been keeping busy though so I’m not driving myself as mad as I was a few weeks ago, although still don’t think I’m quite at your stage of acceptance just yet.

I totally feel everything you said though,

to leave them we are finally stepping off of the roller coaster, at last!

and totally know what you mean with feeling annoyed that he is acting like he needs congratulating for bothering to work, but that’s how their minds work, everything needs a reward.

Like nothing is done for its own sake, its always about some impression or reward to be gained from it,

its a bit similar to how people use facebook, which I imagine could fit nicely for the addict brain, the whole posting something and then needing that approval and “likes” etc from others, so nothing is real or pure it is all just about this secondary reward.

I’m glad your ex does at least sound like he wants you back because then you can leave feeling that it was your decision and that you took control,and you can retain some dignity.

as I think I wouldn’t be taking things so badly if I had outright taken that approach, and the fact that she is acting so heartless in it all is what is hurting me the most as that is the part that makes me feel like all the things I done at the end of the day amount to nothing and I am worth less than a drug.

[davidk]

sounds like you are being more realistic than me,

at least you are committing to the idea that he is the ex.

whereas I am foolishly still hoping that the good person she is inside there somewhere will come back and realise what a mess she is making and want to sort things out.

although that said, I don’t ever expect things to go back to what they were, so I haven’t gone completely mad.

what’s the latest with you, is he accepting it and leaving you alone?

[davidk]

I’ve had a quiet few days and been busy at work and stuff so felt a bit more a peace in my head as its helped distract me.

you described how i feel well

like how they have actively done things to bring drugs back around them which will obviously only lead to more drugs.

it is hard to separate the person from the addict, as it always feels like they must have made some choice in it,

so have you decided things are definitely over with your partner, as I see you refer to him as your ex, whereas I think in the back of my mind I still hope she will fix this and we aren’t over forever.

[davidk]

sounds lucky to keep the good job then

do they have no idea what he is doing.

I think I confused the dealing part with another story I read at the same time as yours, as I was thinking he had been dealing for a while.

but of course dealing and using are both bad news and I don’t think people with a coke problem need much temptation and dealing it would certainly be far to much temptation for them to avoid giving in.

similar to how they might stay of it for a while if they aren’t around certain people but then if they see those people it won’t take be long before they do it again.

hence how my girlfriends daughter bringing weed into the house has brought it back into play when I don’t really think my girlfriend would have started smoking it again right now if that hadn’t happened, she would have no doubt wanted coke still, but if something else is there then that seems to be used to just to try and make them forget reality for a bit.

[davidk]

you aren’t rambling at all,

I’m king of rambling.

oh so after ignoring him he has now contacted you then,

and him dealing it too will never help as it means he will always be around it,

does he ever actually make any money or does it just help reduce his personal debt.

[davidk]

thanks for taking the time to read my story, it must have taken ages ha, I just couldn’t keep it short as I will spilling out 7 years of bottling up,

to be honest I feel like I could write a book of mammoth proportions about it all, just the endless wrongs that addiction causes the person and the people around them.

As terrible as I feel about how things have now become I do in my own heart know that I tried my best for her and the kids.

so whilst I will feel saddened by things I will not feel guilty that I didn’t do enough,

as I don’t think I could have done more.

so what is happening with your partner now since you started this post, you had found him in his flat with stuff and left, has there been any contact between you since?

have you decided what you intend to do?

[davidk]

Hi, we are all here for each other,

that’s the great thing about this site, most people are in the same boat and have gone through a pretty standard set of emotions, we all move along so some people are further along than others,

but I think we are at a similar period, both clinging to the hope that the person we fell in love with is still in there and will come back to us.

we are also a similar age, I am 34, so perhaps where we are in life has something to do with it too, like we haven’t had all our hopes ruined yet, whereas someone older and more experienced might be more realistic against our battle.

currently me and my partner are apart, I couldn’t remain with her watching what was happening in the house, she likes to have control so is acting like we are over because she wants us to be, which perhaps we are as I no longer have the strength to repair what she has broken and she is in total denial that things need fixing or that she has a problem so its a kind of stalemate

it breaks my heart to think of a future without her and also how terrible she may make her own future, but I have kind of accepted now that no matter what I do I cannot fight her drug problem for her.

[davidk]

Hi,

just read your story, sounds very similar to my own,

and I am at a similar stage as you,

sounds like you maybe got a bit further with progress if he was allowing tests and seeing a counselor , although that has all reverted back by the sounds of it.

No good advice for you I’m afraid, just wanted to say I feel your pain,

and totally understand that desire to get the “dream” life back and holding onto the person they were, but the addict destroys the dream sadly.

How long were you with him?

[davidk]

it is all just so saddening,

especially as many of us have lived outside of this lifestyle,

I mean as a teenager I smoked weed a bit, and have tried coke and speed a couple of times, but I learnt by the time I was 18 that drugs don’t help me feel good and I have never been addicted to any so seeing the depths it takes adults to in addiction is quite a difference to recreational use as a teenager.

many people have their vices though, but some are more detrimental to themselves and the people they care about than others.

like a lot of people smoke weed everyday, and whilst this isn’t exactly great, it isn’t always completely destroying their life, if they can afford it and they are happy being a lazy sod just eating crap and sitting down a lot ha, but if you have a family and limited money and the drug massively controls your moods and the family goes without things to finance the drug then obviously the same drug in this scenario is having a much greater effect on the people who’s lives it is effecting.

saying that, a friend of mine who smokes weed everyday, when he got married, guess where they went for the honeymoon, Amsterdam of course, I guess his wife knew that a honeymoon pretty much anywhere else would potentially be ruined by him not being able to score weed.

[davidk]

yes certainly strange that he saw it so soon,

I guess someone must have seen you as of course you wouldn’t expect the postman on a Sunday.

Its hard to know, obviously I feel like it is harder for a partner than a family member as I can only relate to it from a partners point of view,

and I imagine a family member always has the extra bond of being blood, so its like no matter what that always exists, where as being just a partner, you feel more vulnerable to being cut off completely forever, and also replaced with the next person etc.

although I imagine the only possible option for a future partner for them would be another drug user as they wouldn’t want another obstacle standing between them and drugs.

you sometimes see these addict couples, it’s very sad,

I actually know of a couple where the girl was a junkie and the guy wasn’t but he loved her so much he didn’t care letting himself become one too.

I guess within someone like that they were already romaticising the junkie lifestyle.

still its sad that one would supposedly love the other and be willing to drag them down with them.

yet now they are no doubt a happy junkie couple because they can share the one thing they both truly love.

here’s a pretty accurate quote I was reminded of the other day

“Junk is the ideal product… the ultimate merchandise. No sales talk necessary. The client will crawl through a sewer and beg to buy”.

William S. Burroughs

[davidk]

so you didn’t message him to say check your postbox etc.

maybe he hasn’t gone to bed yet.

drug users sure do seem to sleep a lot,

I don’t completely delude myself anymore, hence why now whatever happens I don’t ever intend to live with her as I will never feel secure, I need to provide my own security as I wont ever get that from her.

It just makes me sad to imagine a life without her in it at all, but with people like this its hard to only be part way involved , its all or nothing really, as its too much of a roller coaster to not get emotionally dragged in,

this is why I think her brother just ignored her completely for about ten years,

I think he cares as much about her as I do, but he couldn’t care that much about her and carry on helplessly watching her make her life miserably.

out of sight out of mind, although I bet he still tortured himself for years over it all as I think his brain might be similar to my own.

so has your ex said any more or just left it alone now.

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