[davidk]

part could be a bit glad I guess,

but at the moment I am full of hurt and sadness and anger about it all.

and I still see her as a victim of her own stupidity,

she is just her own worst enemy and she just doesn’t know how to love herself.

like I say, she hates herself for all this stuff too, but how to make the guilt go away, MORE DRUGS of course.

it is just tragic.

you are lucky you are strong enough to break away from your ex and don’t still delude yourself like I do that it could one day get better and be happy ever after.

[davidk]

I was going to ask have you heard from him since he read the letter,

well done for posting it, I think it’s the right thing to do for you,

whether it will ever change anything of course is a different matter,

but it might change things for you rather than him.

and like we know, he will read it and feel bad whilst not on drugs, but then what can he do to stop feeling bad, of course the answer is MORE DRUGS.

yes the stealing from her son is kind of indirect,

basically it’s the money from his dad, that she gets each month, but a few years ago she said she would save it all and give it to her son, but of course when she started on the coke again, that was just money for her to take.

so when I paid off the payday loans etc this was one of the conditions that I needed to be able to see her bank and see that the money was getting forwarded to her son each month.

But when you think about it, all the child benefit and tax credits and her son has aspergers so she gets disability money for him too, any money she spends on drugs and drink is been afforded because she has children and that is money she is given to provide for them.

the council house she has is because she has children.

and all of this has enabled her a much easier life to be more wasteful with.

someone in the same job as her on the same money with no kids wouldn’t get a penny from the state and they wouldn’t stand a chance of getting a council place (not round this area maybe some parts of UK are different),

so someone else in the same shoes without kids would have private rent on a tiny flat or bedsit or shared house that would cost about the same as the 3 bedroom house she has because she has kids.

she isn’t stupid and when she isn’t selfishly on drugs she can see how lucky she is that she lives in a world that rewards her mistakes in such a way.

of course with her son getting older the clock is ticking on the help she will receive.

when tax credits stop and her sons disability money is his own she will lose a lot of her monthly income and be expected to struggle and work for what she has like the rest of the world.

I fear she will just start selling her body at this point, or perhaps sooner as even the current finance situation isn’t enough to fund the sort of coke problem she had last year hence £10,000+ of debt she was in.

yet of course if she didn’t destroy our future I would have moved in and we would have had two incomes etc, I would have liked to try and buy the council house too to know we would be secure as we got older, but all of this is commitments she cannot make when under the spell of drugs.

[davidk]

I can believe all of that about it being the toughest thing anyone can do.

if you look up toxic behavior, most of it is pretty much the same as how an addict behaves,

how they are experts at making the other person do all the leg work and always make the other person insecure and to think they have done something wrong.

it really is very controlling

that’s the irony of it all, my girlfriend’s main argument with me wanting her to sort herself out is she turns it round to make out like I’m trying to control her.

where as in reality the emotional control is very much the other way round, I am totally submitted to her.

But I guess over time we get stronger so I have been more vocal back and tried to reclaim some of the balance, and of course they don’t like that as it shows their power over you is weakening if you start to fight back.

she deludes herself to think I want this power, I have said to her, “do you really think I take any pleasure in having to try and make sure you aren’t stealing money from your son” as if this is a measure that should ever need to be taken.

of course I no longer have any power to check this isn’t happening, but on that last day I said I don’t care if she does anymore as it’s her conscience that has to live with this behavior not mine.

[davidk]

Hi DRE80

thanks for your messages.

you are right, we are as addicted to them as they are to the drug,

its because emotionally they leave us wanting more,

we catch a glimpse of the love they can give, and we are hooked,

then more often than not they wont deliver it, but because we have convinced ourselves it is there and worth fighting for we because obsessed with it.

I can see how I am doing this myself, and just not wanting to let go.

and underneath all the problems that loving person is there, and when they are free from drugs they can see it so clearly themselves, but whilst the drugs are there no amount of crying or trying to get them to see will ever work, and that’s what is so frustrating.

my girlfriend is the most contradictory person ever,

constantly saying one thing and then doing the opposite etc, so its hard to ever know where you stand with that.

but I know its drugs that make her go against herself and say and do so many contradictory things.

you really are better off forgetting about your ex, count yourself lucky it was only 6 months, hopefully you meet someone nice who treats you with respect and that would certainly help forget about him.

maybe that would help all of us, but I think the longer you are with someone the more there is to get over and to forget, so even if I met someone else I think my past with my current girlfriend could become a burden on any future partner.

[davidk]

you are probably right,

it is all a giant leap backwards and i think I still just cannot accept and believe she is being so foolish and I’m just desperately wanting her to wake up.

I am completely helpless now and only she can fix this, but it is difficult to accept being made to feel so helpless and as is all your previous efforts were in vain.

[davidk]

yeh when we met 7 years ago she was smoking weed all day every day and didn’t have a job or anything, she also was snorting coke at this time too but I don’t think I knew the extent of it then.

and after about a year together she did eventually sort herself out as she moved away from the dealer and seemingly seeing the pressure it put on our relationship and being around someone like me made her behavior not seem acceptable.

for quite a few years I believe she was being good and staying away from it all, and got back working etc and we have done a lot and tried to have a good life,

but then the year before last she seemed to be drinking wine all the time.

and then last year the coke came back up and was clearly taking her in completely and she was lying endlessly and running into thousands of pounds worth of debt.

I since feel that she has had previous trouble with coke at various times, I would say last year was at least her 4th bad period on it, with the third period being when we first met.

so she knows the danger she is in with it as she has previously overcome it multiple times, yet I think after a long time without something people start to tell themselves that they are strong enough to “choose” to do it now and then, and of course that just lets it straight back in.

so both weed and coke have been detrimental to her and the kids lives, which is why it is so unbelievable how things have panned out, and in the end drugs have won and destroyed everything.

when I first met her and her son with 8 I believe she had been a daily weed smoker for all of his life and the way she behaved and the environment he grew up in will of course have had a huge effect on his development.

I think I was about the first person to come into the families lives that didn’t have a drug problem or a criminal record.

so with all this in mind, maybe I was foolish to think that I could try and show them that life doesn’t have to be like this and that it shouldn’t be regarded as normal.

and life doesn’t have to be just misery.

also like I’ve said, my girlfriend when she isn’t in the grip of drugs would feel terrible about all these things and will be so sorry about the past, but just not sorry enough not to do it all again.

so all this in mind and how unstable my girlfriend was and how messed up her life was before we met and how erratic her mood swings used to be etc, is why surely most people looking in would think what is happening now is complete madness,

that I have stuck by her through everything and helped turn their lives around and done nothing but support them all, and she is willing to just shit on me like this and make me feel like I have been thrown away.

I’m quite sure her mum etc are thankful that I seemed to bring about all this change in her life, her mum would even say stuff to the effect of how nice it is to have her daughter back again.

despite all this hurt and anger I feel, all I am desperate for is her to realise she is messing up and sort her life out and for her to actually give me the apology I deserve.

she does say she is sorry I am upset etc, but like your partners apologies, you get the impression that it isn’t deep, they don’t understand what they have done so how can they actually give you the apology you are owed.

its nearly 7 years since we met (this month) and I just feel like she has run a full cycle and things are nearly as bad now as when we met 7 years ago, and if she is getting back into drugs bad then things will only be getting worse and worse,

like she has a job now, but if she starts having the attitude she has with me at work in a school that obviously wont end well.

or if they get any idea of what she is doing/smell weed on her clothes etc.

its actually quite silly that schools and jobs that do dbs back ground checks don’t actually do routine drug tests on staff, I mean whats the point in checking your staffs past but not keeping an eye on what they are doing now

[davidk]

yeh it sure does seem like that regarding drug bonds,

I think its because if someone else is doing it too it makes it easier for them to carry on lying to themselves that it isnt a problem.

a while ago she had a friend that lived near by that was doing ketamine all the time,

and I think she liked being around her as it made her own addiction seem less of a big deal, as this ketamine girl was looking really bad, like having to wear nappies etc because ketamine really messes with peoples bladders or something.

so it certainly seemed lke her having someone else around like that was a very negative influence.

the kids have spent their whole lives exposed to drugs.

funny enough when I met her and her son would have been 8 back then, he thought I looked like a stoner, he was surprised to learn I wasn’t a stoner

at the time I was obviously surprised an 8 year old knowing what that is, but that was all they ever knew. being surrounded by a mum and all her drug using friends and ex partners etc.

that’s the funny thing, I do look like a stoner, with long hair etc and a bit scruffy, yet it couldn’t be further from the truth, I could hardly be more anti drugs.

[davidk]

you may be right,

I’ll have to tread carefully

a few people I spoke to think that maybe the kids just tolerate it because they don’t want to upset their mum,

and then I confront the problem that they are trying to pretend isn’t there, so perhaps its not that they don’t care they just don’t want to face it.

as for her daughter doing drugs with her, perhaps that is just a good way of getting her mums attention so she thinks she has the best bond ever now as deep down she must know that drugs always came first, so by now bonding over them makes her feel like she finally has her mums attention.

this may be way of the mark, one can only make observations and try and imagine what causes people to behave in such bizarre ways.

isn’t it quite common for many issues to repeat themselves, like people who have been abused go on to be abuser, etc, so often people who have drug addict or alcoholic parents, rather than staying away from it because they see the negative , instead follow the same path.

its mad but seems all to normal.

and I come from a close family where my parents are still married 40+ years later, neither have any addictions etc and we all still talk to each other and have never blanked anyone out of our lives, so I therefore have been given a fairer chance not to follow negative footsteps, and also find it so hard to understand when people can act so hateful to the ones they claim to love.

[davidk]

yeh maybe I should,

I always got on fine with her family and like I say, I think they all felt I was a positive influence on her and really helped her settle down.

Its only her daughter who is smoking weed with her, but earlier in the year her daughter was as angry as I was about the coke use.

so I don’t know what to make of that, but it certainly feels like they are sticking together thinking what they are doing is normal.

her son is 15, god knows what he thinks about it all.

I have always said to him that I am sorry he’s having to hear us argue and that I hope he knows how much I care, but I don’t know if it really registers, after all blood is thicker than water,

but you would think after 7 years of standing by a family and doing countless things to make all of them have a better quality of life that they shouldn’t be so quick to send me down the river.

[davidk]

my main worry is I think her family will be as upset as i am that she is behaving like this and destroying our relationship as I think they think I’ve been a really good influence on her life, (something I thought the kids used to see too but seemingly they now think I am the problem!!)

so if I tell them they might get angry with her and upset too and then she will think everyone is against her, which in reality is that everyone is against her addiction making us lose her.

I wish I could find out more really, what happened to make her be this way,

right now I just feel like the longer we are apart the more final it will become,

I’m quite sure she has painted over our bedroom that I had done all insane designs etc, I am kind of upset as it feels like she has probably done that to try and remove me, but at the same time I had said I intend to buy my own place and it isn’t ever gonna be my future home with her anymore so I guess painting over my “masterpiece” ha is fair enough as it isn’t a style she really liked anyway.

but I feel like she has done that within less than 2 weeks since I left, so will she just be removing all trace of me, which will be difficult as I have left such a huge amount of work there, and I cannot remove the huge amount of her from me as it is permanently lodged in my head.

I just feel like she is utterly destroying me mentally.

like being broken down so its like not even the kids appreciate anything I ever did for all of them, it just runs you down so much yet I know I did a lot for all of them and they shouldn’t be making me feel like this, but its so hard not to.

I just don’t know how someone who says they love you can do this as I have spent the last 7 years doing nothing but trying to keep a smile on her face and avoid any problems etc.

she must be so messed up in her head to behave this way it just isn’t normal.

[davidk]

The thing is, even a normal relationship ending would be hard, without all the added trouble of a drug abuser being the reason its going wrong.

spending years with someone you have a lot of memories with them, and hopefully a lot of good things as well as the bad, you have invested into it emotionally,

so moving on is difficult anyway, I think I will really struggle to move on as I have spent 7 years of being really close to her and that has been a major part of my life that I will constantly be reminded of, just so many things, anyone who knows us really did think we are so good for each other, and we would normally think how lucky we are to have found each other as it always felt like there was no one else in the world more meant to be.

and of course i’ll always think what could have been, especially as this is so obvious what the problem is and so such an obvious thing to fix.

but just too hard for the drug user to fix it.

I think it isn’t even so much the drug use itself that annoys me so much as just the attitude that comes with it.

and how defensive she will be when you threaten it.

like if she could actually be honest with me about it all rather than all the lying it might be easier to support her and try and help her get help, but because of all the lies etc you are left feeling like you are the direct enemy of this addiction person that consumes them.

basically if I went back to her on new year and just stopped caring and not letting it bother me, she would have acted like things were fine and I would still be there now, but because I couldn’t handle watching what was happening, she couldn’t handle me, but really I think she knows what she is doing is wrong as its a lot harder for her to keep lying to herself about it when I’m there making it glaringly obvious that what she is doing is wrong.

I was ok for about a week when I left, but the last few days it has really taken a lot of my energy again, I feel like its the first thing I think about when I wake up and that I have had dreams about it all too, its just so consuming.

[davidk]

this is what makes it so hard with them,

when they are like this and they don’t even recognise the other person they become,

then we see them as a victim of themselves and can’t help but pity them.

But as you would advise me, I should say to you to stay strong and don’t let him start creeping back in and taking your energy, of course this is easier said than done as you can’t just stop caring. we don’t have the drugs to help us stop caring after all.

[davidk]

let us know what you do, and how he responds.

I have written endless amounts in the past and considered sending it to my partner for her to see, in that desperation to make her see what she is doing, but I never have, and when she is like this it just wouldn’t penetrate, and when she’s being the person I love I leave it alone as I am just pleased she is back in there.

have you noticed this site often posts the same reply multiple times, yours keep coming through 3 times. mine was doing this yesterday

[davidk]

shame he has been sending more txts as I’m sure you wanted to try and forget about the earlier ones.

maybe it would be good for him to hear everything you have written, if his head is actually in a place to really take it in, and give him something to work towards.

but regardless of everything I’m assuming even if he comes out of rehab and does stay clean you don’t want him back, or do you think you would change your mind if he really did change? although as we know, a change normally has a time limit.

I’m not sure as my girlfriend would ever go down the begging and apologising route, so I guess my story could end but I am the one struggling to just let it be destroyed by this as I feel like I have invested so much love and care into something to let go of it.

[davidk]

yeh it is tempting to do it all again.

I wonder how many fines I would get for breaking lockdown rules ha.

when I did it before was during June lockdown and thankfully I didn’t get stopped at all,

I don’t really see why a single person driving in their own car should really get in trouble for it as I enjoy just driving to clear my head ,so If I’m doing that alone and not going to meet anyone then its not actually doing anyone any harm.

I am self isolated in the car ha.

how was your walk?

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