[davidk]

yeh I wish it was easy to just turn my head off,

I’m a real thinker though in general.

an over thinker probably.

very passionate and opinionated and maybe take things to heart more than many would, and care about things on a symbolic level too,

I wish I could turn all this off, but its just how I am, and when I am like this I am consumed by it so it makes it hard to do anything,

I’ve read a couple of pages of a book today but its hard to take words in when you are elsewhere.

I actually have to go to work a bit next week so that might be a good thing as it will force me to be occupied.

really doesn’t help the whole lockdown etc as it makes it hard to really do much.

earlier in the year during an “break/give each other space” before I knew about the coke etc (I always knew she did it in the past and had done it a few times recently at this point) and was just confused by what was happening with her personality I actually had a bit of space from her and drove from john o groats to lands end.

this was really nice for a while as it was something I had joked about doing for years, and because we weren’t suppose to contact each other I just had myself and a road and loud music and felt quite peaceful, especially when I arrived at john o groats.

but by the next day as I was at Gloucester services, so a good way down to lands end, she had txt me saying she had done coke last night and her whole face was in pain etc, she was in a bad way all week and I actually thought after this she would be scared of doing coke again.

well I carried on with my drive and completed my mission, but lets just say my feeling of peace at john o groats was no longer in place at lands end.

maybe I need to go out and do it all again without looking at my phone this time ha.

[davidk]

I just found it on youtube,

as a music snob I would normally have dismissed it as not my kind of thing ha

but of course those words were hard to ignore.

especially the title line

“But maybe all that we are meant to be

Is beautifully unfinished”

I like that, it nearly had me crying …again .

[davidk]

ha yeh I certainly feel insane,

its just fighting madness with reason.

logic vs chaos.

rational vs irrational.

reason vs unreasonable.

sane vs insane

So hard not to take personally as you feel your love isn’t enough to save them.

I try and remind myself that essentially this isn’t so surprising, as even having 2 kids that should come first isn’t enough.

whilst she does care for them, you can hardly say an addicts choices are putting their children first.

So if the children isn’t enough then why would I be.

but this is all the more why I find it so hard to accept how the kids are being now, as I always assumed that they must feel the same hurt as I do.

Like it was an unspoken link between us, but now it seems that was just me.

[davidk]

it is a tough one with abandonment issues

I’m sure she does have them, but you don’t know all the details of the past to know both sides of the story for why people abandoned them.

And with drug addicts I am sure people leaving is quite a normal part of their life as they are driving everyone away.

so its a bit, which came first? chicken or the egg in that way.

She didn’t speak to her brother,sister,mum or dad when I first met her and over the years we were together she has got back into talking with all of them,

and though they might not be faultless I think they do care about her, but she is so hard to care about if she will then constantly hurt you.

so did they abandon her and cause her to behave like this, or did she behave like she is to me and left them no choice but to abandon her in the same vein as me, hoping that by showing her what she stands to lose she will open her eyes. so effectively trying to do it for her own good.

She does of course say they turned their backs on her when she needed them the most.

The other problem is by being with someone with these issues, she is giving me a whole set of my own issues.

I will obviously always feel insecure within the relationship and paranoid its all going to come crumbling down etc.

So I will also have trust issues, like never being able to trust her not to destroy everything.

Cant trust her not to hurt me over and over, In fact its the opposite, hurting me again is one thing I can count on.

I’m quite sure she feels she doesn’t deserve me, I have always tried to say of course she does, everyone deserves to be happy and its not all one way, I have grown a lot as a person too and she has helped me in many ways too,

she deserves to be loved, I don’t deserve to be hated.

She just cannot let herself be happy, and I guess that is the problem with addicts, they are just hellbent on destruction.

I think they all must hate themselves to some degree so they just cannot handle someone not hating them and have to try and make you hate them as much as they hate themselves.

she even often says how guilty she feels for the past, how selfishly she bought the kids up on drugs etc, and I try and say, you can’t change the past only the future, but then she does it all over again, the very thing she feels guilty about, yet doing it more numbs the guilt, it really is insane.

I’m glad to hear your partner respects not turning up at your flat, that is quite surprising that he would have that level of self control.

Also surprised to learn he works out, or does sometimes, I guess that’s not happening when he’s using.

[davidk]

thanks for being there to try and share that strength with others like me.

I do need to try and follow your example, and maybe I will,

maybe she won’t ever try and make things better and I will have no choice but to get over it.

It is so much like grieving, as the person you love isn’t there anymore.

When I think of her I am just full of sadness like she is lost and gone and I just can’t get her back.

And I know that she has hurt me so much that I shouldn’t even want her back but I can’t help it.

Part of me thinks she doesn’t want to hurt me but she knows herself well enough to know that she will , and that she knows she cannot stop herself hurting me so therefore she will let me go now as a way of setting me free, but as we have said, I cannot really be free because you never get closure.

Like half the time she will think she doesn’t deserve me and I think has issues with that and she thinks she isn’t good enough, so rather than worry about me one day waking up and leaving her, she instead causes all the drama and it keeps me running back and reassures her that she has got me.

But now she sees she has broken me too much and she won’t allow herself to be vulnerable, all this messed up mental health mixed with drug use and the conflict within her of wanting more drugs which are only further messing up her head just doesn’t make a good situation.

as for your partner,

does he know where you live? and did you ever live together.

I’m surprised he isn’t turning up at your door all the time.

Is the leisure centre your work place or do you mean he turned up there because he knew your routine? either way its really not the place for it.

[davidk]

I think it is the sense of closure that can never be obtained that is the hardest part.

the endless things I could say to her and the kids to try and make them see sense, but ultimately its all futile, they just will not open their eyes.

of course time and things going from bad to worse might eventually open them for them, but it is so hard to stand back and say and do nothing, and I’m convinced they all somehow think I’m the bad guy in all this so it’s like I want to defend my character but of course I can’t and nothing can actually be gained by doing so.

I feel like contacting her mum and brother and sister etc, all people who I’m sure would care and see it from my point of view and want her to stop this self destruction and for her daughter to stop playing an active role in it,

but again I know that their words to her would be as useless as mine, and that they would end up falling out with her as she would just cut them all out too.

I think you said before but I forget after reading so many stories etc

you were with your addict partner 3 years but how long ago did you split up, I think you said you had a few breaks on and off before this final time.

[davidk]

that is probably wise,

I wish I could be as strong and wise as you with it all.

as for self indulgence I wouldn’t worry too much about that, after all this site is made up of posts of people writing how the addict has made them feel. I’m as guilty of that as anyone, as it’s all been bottled up this is the place where it all spills out.

and that’s the thing with the addict, they turn everything about them so us partners feelings are always neglected.

my partner is in the stage of being content with destroying everything more.

I don’t know if she ever would start acting like yours is, like trying to contact me and get me back,

I can’t see it really, I think she is too stubborn to do that and will just convince herself that she doesn’t need me in her life as she is no doubt seeing me as the problem rather than herself.

But maybe I’m wrong and in time she would surprise me.

[davidk]

Hi thelostone,

sorry to hear he has upset you,

of course its ok to offload today, this is the place for it.

sounds like you are staying strong,

as I’m sure I would be buckling under if my girlfriend was saying things like that,

in fact that’s pretty much the kind of thing I am so desperate to hear,

but I guess I am still at the stage of wanting things to go back to before but without drugs, whereas you are at the stage where you realistically accept that by going back you are only going back to more hurt.

but yes the “mystified what went wrong” bit is a bit odd, as it does seem like he is still in complete denial as to what he did wrong. so it kind of invalidates the rest of his words.

I hope you do post your response one day as I would be very interested in it.

I’m sure it would mirror a lot of feelings from people on here.

hope you are doing ok otherwise and it doesn’t consume you as much as it would me.

[davidk]

I’m about the same.

no progress really,

haven’t been round hers, odd generic message about other stuff,

I think she is treating it like we are over so maybe I should just accept that and let her ruin things and just turn my back, I still can’t turn off how deeply hurt I am but also how much I care about her,

but this time I am just too hurt to be the one to try and fix things and currently I don’t think she Is going too.

how about you dre80 how are you doing?

[davidk]

I’m about the same.

no progress really,

haven’t been round hers, odd generic message about other stuff,

I think she is treating it like we are over so maybe I should just accept that and let her ruin things and just turn my back, I still can’t turn off how deeply hurt I am but also how much I care about her,

but this time I am just too hurt to be the one to try and fix things and currently I don’t think she Is going too.

how about you dre80 how are you doing?

[davidk]

ha yeh there is the typical addict mentality turning it all about them,

surely it us that should be asking them if they hate us this much? for all the shit they put us through, but they are just oblivious to their own behavior.

I’m just listening to a Mark Lanegan Lp, I’ve mentioned him on here before, long term junkie who cleaned up his act about 20 years ago, and wrote a book recently about his junkie life, the very selfish junkie life, but at least he now is brutally honest about how much of an asshole he was,

I recommend going and listening to “stockholm city blues” and “skeleton key” which are from this recent album he wrote whilst doing the book, so it’s quite brutal junkie selfishness in lyrics in a way probably only possible from someone 20 years clean. still very self indulgent but it is quite interesting to hear it and a bit of an insight into how single minded the desire for drugs makes people.

[davidk]

glad to hear he is still staying sober,

shame coming on here caused trouble, maybe you shouldn’t tell him,

after all this is a space for partners to get away from the trouble so its a shame coming on here creates more trouble for you.

god knows what my girlfriend would think if she read all this, it hardly defends her case as I am the only one making excuses for her and even I’m running out of excuses.

[davidk]

yeh guess his age shows he is unlikely to ever change,

But has he been an addict for most of his life, has he had long periods without?

my partner has managed to be good for a lot of years and to be honest a couple of years ago I would never have imagined any of this to be our future, whereas now I wouldn’t actually be that surprised if she eventually ends up on heroin and selling her body to pay for it, I hate to imagine this one day happening, but I have had nightmares about it and it doesn’t seem impossible.

I never spent my life expecting to settle down in a relationship, so jumping into this one was a bit of a shock, but I fell for her real bad, but I don’t imagine if we do split that I would meet anyone else soon or even want to really, I was alright alone before we met, and didn’t think I would ever meet “the one” ha.

Its worst time to even try and get on with a new life right now with all the lockdowns etc, I’m quite sure no bank will touch me for a mortgage right now as I am still on furlough with no return to work date, and I’d like to join a yoga class or something but everything like that is shut,

so instead just gotta be patient which is annoying as I want to be getting on with things.

[davidk]

Hi, how are things going.

Haven’t heard from you for a while,

hope the silence is because things have improved for you.

[davidk]

Hi Kellie,

sorry to read your story,

how are things going now as I notice this is a couple of months old.

your story and how you feel sounds pretty similar to my own situation,

there is no easy fix for this but reading other partners stories and finding out that how you feel is completely normal amongst people in the same boat really helped me stop feeling like I was going insane, so hope it helps you too.

[Author]

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