[davidk]

that’s true,

they need to make the choice and right now she is choosing drugs, and pretending like that isn’t even a problem.

and you are right, it is half a relationship, and a very one sided one,

its so annoying as in day to day life no one who knows me would expect me to put up with this shit as I am not normally the sort to waste my time and put up with bullshit as I am a logical person normally, but then I am also very passionate and caring when it comes to the things I DO care about.

and that’s the problem, she somehow enters that part of my heart.

whatever happens in the future I definitely have changed to some degree, and no longer have the dream of a happy future and the home etc, no matter what even if she does sort herself out etc I need my own security and I won’t ever have that living at hers as she has utterly destroyed that,

so with this in mind I don’t know how much of anything else could really be left anyway.

I’m sure in that 12 weeks you were away he spent a good portion of that time thinking it was some amazing holiday to do what he liked as I’m sure that’s what my girlfriend will be thinking right now, as I am the obstacle for her drugs and now that obstacle is removed.

its so sad these people can get to such an age and still act like teenagers.

surely most people grow up.

[davidk]

yes you are right there could be underlying mental health issues too,

but judging from the past I would say these are largely removed when she treats herself well.

drugs certainly bring about this change of character, and she knows all this, yet when she is possessed with drugs she is too weak to do anything about it.

Its the self destructiveness too, like she hates herself so much she sees no point in sorting things out,

you are so right about the book without an end, that is exactly what it is.

and the idea of grieving, I have said myself that I feel like I have spent a year grieving for her yet she isn’t actually dead, just the person I love within her has become less and less.

but I always still come back to this feeling of, doesn’t someone like this need the love and support of someone that is stronger than their weaknesses.

although at the same time I deserve to be treated better than she treats me and that will probably never change.

I’m glad you are managing to stay strong and not let him back into your life, I imagine in some ways this will get easier with time, like the longer you are apart the easier it gets, as I already feel over the past week like my mind is easing up, even if I do still think about it I am not all consumed like I have been.

typically, her Xmas present that has been lost in the post since November finally showed up this morning, for now its on display in my room as thankfully we have similar tastes so it’s something I like too

[davidk]

this is so true,

I just gotta stop listening to my heart and stop remembering the good times really. there is plenty of bad times to remember to though so plenty of reminders of how I’ve spent 7 years being unappreciated and disrespected.

It’s her split personality that makes it so hard though, as its like an enemy lives in my girlfriends body, and currently the enemy has won.

[davidk]

yeh right now she is in denial, it seems to come in waves,

she really is like two people, and one of them is smart and understands and has heart, but this other her is doing pretty good job of making me hate her.

It is shocking what they will do despite hitting rock bottom etc but the pull of drugs is just so strong on them.

a friend of mine made a good point about the situation with her daughter,

that perhaps she is just seeing this as a way of getting closer to her mum,

like if you can’t beat them join them, so right now she probably thinks she has a great bond with her mum over this very unhealthy negative activity.

I haven’t spoken to any of them since I left last Sunday and even though as has been going through my mind quite a bit it has calmed down a bit,

the real measure is if I can concentrate on reading a book or not, and I have been able to whereas when things are really bad I cant pick up a book as I just have to keep re-reading the same sentence as my mind is clearly elsewhere.

[davidk]

you are right that it’s like I am addicted to her, and just cannot give her up despite how clearly bad for me she is.

sadly our two cats are technically her cats, so that’s just something else I lose in all this.

I do have a friend I chat to about all of this so I do get to vent somewhat to him, although he likes my girlfriend and can see why I’m so reluctant to let go as he knows how well suited we are in so many ways when drugs are removed from the situation. so I guess he doesn’t really want me to leave her, he like me still thinks the problem can be fixed if she could fix herself, but he does agree that I need to keep away for a while and let her dig herself a hole as clearly all my previous efforts are futile and completely unappreciated.

[davidk]

ha yeh loving an addict turns us partners as textbook as the addict,

for all their typical behavior we as partners all go through a pretty standard set of reactions,

that’s what I found so helpful about this site, the reassurance that how I’m feeling is so normal with anyone in the same boat.

I think I am realistically seeing that a happy ever after isn’t likely, and taking steps to have my own house and I no longer view her house as my future home pretty much confirms the relationship could never return to how it was.

I still don’t know if I’d want to lose her completely,

Obviously what I’d like most is for her to sort herself out which I no longer think she will do with me around, mad as it is, support isn’t what she needs, digging herself a bigger hole is what she needs if she’s ever going to realise the damage of her behavior.

Even if we were millionaires I wouldn’t wish a drug addiction on her though, but I think that is an issue with her and the kids, that they only really see the financial negative of it rather than seeing that someone being a drug addict is deeply troubled and it is bad for them, for their mental health and physical health even if they can afford it (which she can’t so therefore it is bad for the kids as they lose out).

I’m quite sure she is doing some coke again or no doubt will so it will be only a matter of time before the cracks start to surface and maybe her daughter will wake up, as I cannot see me being able to do anything to help whilst her daughter is against me as it just gives my girlfriend someone to make her think she is doing nothing wrong, power in numbers etc.

its so frustrating as when she isn’t in the grip of it she does want a good life etc, but once the drugs take hold she is so helpless to it.

I think the fact that she had her daughter at a young age (16) may play quite a large part in various things, like she didn’t get to finish growing up as she became a parent so young, and therefore in some ways had to grow up fast, but in other ways she never grew up at all and always feels like she has missed out on something, also the age gap being quite small between her and her daughter means she does see her more like a friend rather than someone she is supposed to be responsible for, which is great if you can be like friends but the parent still needs to try and help the kid stay on the right track, yet in her house it was like the kids had equal say in everything and would just do what they wanted which was something of an issue for me moving in as its hardly a great proposition to move into a house where 2 kids are in charge and you can either tidy up after them or live in their mess as well.

also of course I’d want a drug free house not a house where a kid can bring drugs into it and I just have to accept that.

[davidk]

thanks thelostone and dre80.

of course I can see the logic in all this, that I am not being fair to myself by letting myself be treated this way,

but I guess its so hard to let go because its like I have 2 girlfriends, the addict and the person who seems like my other half, like we are meant to be,

letting go of the addict would be easy as I hate the addict, but because there is constant glimpses of the human it keeps me hooked.

the whole situation is so messed up, and because addicts are so good at twisting things and lying you almost think it is yourself that is at fault, so I guess that makes some sense of the blindness on the part of the kids, if I even have doubts myself then their mum’s words probably do make them believe the problem with the relationship is me being “up tight”.

its like “mum and David are arguing again because David is such a dick trying to control mum”, whereas trying to stop someone being controlled by addiction couldn’t be further from the truth,

I actually pointed out to her today that if I really was trying to control people surely I would be utilizing the controlling powers of drugs myself and be only too glad to have her under the control of a drug, this is after all how most cults work.

but there I go again trying to rationalize the irrational.

a few quotes that sum up the addict

“they would swear black is white”

“they would screw up paradise”.

yet I cant stop myself trying to reason with someone like this. grrrrr.

[davidk]

you are so right,

as a result of this relationship I am very anti drugs,

to the point I often joke that I would happily shoot every drug dealer dead for all the misery they spread.

I guess prior to this relationship I hadn’t ever had such first hand experience of how bad the effect of addiction is.

I’ve been trying to rescue a wreckage from day one if I’m honest with myself.

I often think the only thing I can trust her to do is break my heart again and again.

I’d certainly never be able to trust much else.

[davidk]

sounds like we share a very similar frustration.

thankfully you only had 5 months of it,

imagine 7 years , and then its like you got even more to be giving up as it feels like you have thrown away 7 years, but I know in reality I should be seeing it the other way around and protecting myself from wasting another 7.

but somehow are brains think by making it somehow work then it would have been worth persevering.

totally agree, they make everything about themselves, they are the most hard done by people in the world.

Of course we sound the same because of them ha.

[davidk]

thanks for the response,

I expect you almost knew this latest part of my story was coming.

its all such textbook behavior, on the part of both the drug user and me the partner. (but is the kids behavior normal??)

Things are certainly at an all time worst, so I guess that means I am in a weird way getting stronger as in the past I would have carried on trying and trying to fix it whereas this time I have got my stuff and left.

I also do completely intend to get my own home etc which does pretty much make it clear that that isn’t an empty threat and she really has destroyed the “home” we were making.

I think I am a very loving person and I am always left wanting more because she can never give me back the same level as I give out, it is all very one sided and I must be insane to keep putting myself through this, but here I am.

[davidk]

Hi All,

hope everyone had a good new year, although considering why we are all here I imagine many people had a bad time with partners like ours huh.

so I wanted to update my story,

New years eve was the first time I had gone back to my partner properly since 12th December, (due to argument and then her isolating with covid, I did see her briefly outside dropping of presents etc)

She had been acting normal on the phone in the meantime and acting pleased I would finally be returning to her. This is her usual behavior at these times to pretend things are normal as this means not facing the issue and pretending there isn’t one.

So needless to say new years eve she was drinking and smoking weed, but I didn’t say anything, and she seemed to be treating it as an end of year blow out and had already independently of me made positive plans to try and start next year good with ideas for good things she could be doing with her time.

So around lunch time new years day whilst I was hanging various pictures up for her around the house I was surprised to hear her say she was going out to buy some weed.

So rather than starting the year good she has immediately gone back on her intentions and is now buying it whereas before she seemed to think smoking her daughters stuff together with her made it somehow more acceptable.

needless to say she got all defensive and was back on the whole “I’ll do what I want and if you don’t like it then don’t stay with me” type attitude.

I went on to tell her at this point how her problems are no longer a secret and all my family knows and also that I am looking into buying my own home as she’s made it quite clear that the future we have been making together she is hell bent on destroying.

any normal person would surely feel upset by this, that they have destroyed all the future of dreams. but of course she doesn’t see any of this, she even says its probably for the best etc, which just rubs salt in the wound that I have basically spent 7 years wasting my time for someone who doesn’t even have any humane emotion.

I also explained how I no longer have any responsibility towards her kids as they clearly don’t see any of the good things I have done for the last 7 years to try and make life better for all 3 of them and she has turned them against me anyway in order to protect herself and her drug use, and I have basically been played as bad cop so she can make herself look good.

I managed to stay with her till today, but watching her and her daughter smoking weed together day and night, even before midday etc was to much to stand and earlier today I lost it again and got upset and tried to appeal to the girlfriend that I know exists somewhere underneath all this hatred.

of course this was a waste of time as when they are possessed like this you just cannot get through at all.

they are no doubt glad I have left as the drugs can win and they can do them without me telling them what they are doing is utterly wrong and immoral.

No doubt without me there they are telling themselves its great to not have me there judging them etc and they can keep telling each other what they are doing is fine.

The cupboards are already looking pretty empty as I’m sure her bank is too but I guess they are too used to living in chaos to care or notice how much better it was when I was trying to help their mum hold these things together and not be constantly running out of everything and buying the bare minimum because most the money needs to be spent on essential drugs.

also I am pretty certain she has been using coke again over this period of us being apart, and I’m sure her daughter would change her tune then but what point is there in me proving that to her. I didn’t even bother to accuse my girlfriend of coke but there is various telltale signs and I wonder if the whole weed thing is almost just a decoy, as it works well to keep the kids on side if they think I’m just getting mad about weed.

I have now taken most of my belongings from her house and left,I don’t know what comes next, I’ve left it with basically saying I cannot be there watching this and that I hope she can sort herself out but I think she needs professional help.

I did say a lot before leaving trying to get it all of my chest but its all pointless though as I’m sure all she’s thinking throughout is how much easier her drug use will be without me there making her feel guilty about it because that really is the bottom line.

She will lose me for drugs but never the other way around.

In the 3 days I was back she was smoking weed with her daughter every day of it.

after weeks apart and being so pleased to have me back you would think any normal person might let you have at least one day of peace but of course not, I swear she was sent to punish me and the fact that the kids hearing me in utter despair yet still think I’m somehow the bad guy just breaks my heart that they are so blind when they should be on my side about wanting to stop their mum having a drug problem.

In that house words are just useless as my words are up against that of a professional liar and manipulator I.E drug addict.

I could write a book on the things I have done for them, and all those good things mean nothing to them because I also hate her drug addiction. It is so messed up that their brains are all this unreal. I’m driving myself insane trying to rationalise the complete irrational.

[davidk]

hello dre80,

thanks for keeping in touch on my story,

sorry to hear your partner is still causing you quite a bit of worry,

as others have said, we do need to try and overcome our own addiction to the person,

maybe you should attempt to force yourself to take a set period of time away from social media so you aren’t winding yourself up checking his instagram etc,

easier said than done I know, but I think these things get easier with time, so set a small window like decide now to let new years pass without looking again until midday tomorrow, and then by that time tomorrow you might feel like you can stay away longer,

try and have a good evening and I hope next year is a positive one for you.

[davidk]

thanks again for your ongoing support,

I feel like I am certainly feeling closer to the stage you are at,

I guess I’m trying to keep the best of both worlds, wanting to still have contact to some degree whilst emotionally taking a step back and accepting things are out of my hands.

I do look after myself otherwise too, apart from the sleep issue at the minute I am eating normal and one of the main things I enjoy about this furlough time is being able to extend my usual exercise routine as normally any morning routine is strictly tied to the clock to leave for work, so taking the day at a better pace is great. so over the course of furlough my routine keeps getting longer with new yoga type moves etc, I can’t do the splits yet but I can put my head on my knees etc so I’m keeping pretty flexible.

I will try that to improve the sleep, hopefully it is getting better anyway as I’m coming to terms with things more and also keep setting an alarm to force me awake earlier in the morning too.

hope you have a good new year and 2021 is a positive year for us all, it surely can’t get much worse than 2020 can it?

[davidk]

glad to hear things are calming down a bit for you now and social worker stuff is all sorted.

I’m actually going to see my girlfriend tonight, I don’t know if she will be drinking etc or what, obviously with lock down there isn’t anything much anyone can do to celebrate this year anyway.

lets hope 2021 is an improvement for all of us here.

[davidk]

Hi,

you are so correct with all your advice,

it just doesn’t counter act against our hearts sadly,

I know and I’m sure most partners do that we are staying with someone who wont treat us right and fairly as we treat them, yet it is so hard to break away.

in your 3 years with the partner though you felt this too, and I guess you were pushed beyond taking it anymore at 3 years, but we all have different amounts we will take and time limits, I’m sure I’ve read some stories on here from people that have spent a lifetime with their addicted partners.(and still wont leave)

For me I don’t know what will come next,

This time away from her and chatting on here has certainly made me open my eyes a lot whereas I think normally when you are constantly in the middle of it all you never really get the headspace to think how I have been able to these past few weeks.

My first step isn’t leaving her yet, but I certainly intend to take a step back, I will spend a lot more time at home, and all the things I was trying to control to in effect control her addiction I have now given up on.

I no longer want to see bank statements etc or try and catch her out for stuff,

if she is lying and doing stuff then it will only be a matter of time before that will become apparent and I no longer feel like anything I do will actually make a difference to things one way or the other.

I also now feel that if things do go to shit, the kids can bail her out with their money as they haven chosen to side with her addiction rather than me looking out for them so I no longer feel any sense of duty to them.

I also no longer view the house as my future home, I view it as her house and am currently looking into options for myself in terms of getting a place of my own.

So with these measures in place, I don’t know how long a relationship like that will be sustained, but the previous method couldn’t be sustained either.

and from your list, its mostly sleep that all this effects with me, I lay in bed at night and then my mind starts endless conversations going over and over everything, all the things me and her need to say but never do because its too impossible.

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