[davidk]

wow it sounds like he is super paranoid,

I don’t know how on earth you would track someone down on here, apart from if they told you, and even that is against forum rules so the post would get removed.

also there is people all over the world on here, as you may have noticed one of the other posters on this thread is in brazil, so you might not even be speaking to someone in the same country as you, and then after all that is put aside he assumed people want a blind date.

on the other hand he probably just doesn’t like it because you are talking to other people who are against what he is doing and helping you be stronger towards what he is doing, so that is a threat to him.

He does seem to accuse you of a lot though.

I don’t care if he reads my posts, after all , I don’t believe it would be very easy for him to hunt me down ha.

furlough time has been nice really as the one thing we are always short of in life is time, so having quality time like you would never expect until you retire is nice, shame the world is in such a mess to create this situation and will probably never be the same again, but from a personal selfish point of view I cant complain about being paid 80% to stay at home.shame I spent so much of that time at her house doing things to make the house nice etc even though its pretty much unappreciated but if I’m still off for a couple more months yet I intend to have this remaining time for myself.

[davidk]

its funny, I often wondered what would happen if our partners found this site and read this, whether it would make them wake up and realise what they are doing, or turn it the other way around and act like we are in the wrong and aking a mountain out of a molehill.

so has yours actually read anything on here?

as for work, I have been on furlough since April, and don’t imagine I will be back to work properly whilst furlough schemes are in place as we have hardly any work,

they call people in as and when needed, and I’ve gone in about 6 days since April, the guy who used to do my job is in full time, so he can cover the small amount of work in my department so it’s not cost effective for them to get me in, bit unfair for the people who are in,

to be honest the amount of stress this year has had I don’t know if being at work would have helped me (by getting away from it all) or made it worse (as I would have to leave to go to work and then would worry what she could do).

time will tell I guess.

[davidk]

managed to sleep a bit earlier last night, and set an early alarm this morning to force myself awake so I’ll hopefully be tired tonight

I feel more numb about it all now, but i’m sure once I see her and am back in the thick of it all it will bring it all rushing back, but being apart from it I am blocking it out and not really thinking so much about it as the days go on.

so if he pays towards the rent and has money, wouldn’t he be able to find another place to live without the homeless shelter thing.

that’s good he’s going to meetings now though, and that they are actually open at the minute, I assumed you are in UK, where a lot is not in tier 4, which I imagie would mean a lot of services are closed or online only.

anyway, hopefully he will stick with the help, hopefully it means he does want to sort it out and isn’t just doing it to keep you quiet,

things have a funny way of reverting though, pretty much every time I’ve felt we we’re making progress it gets undone one way or another later on, and like I say, she is so good at acting normal and like nothing ever happened that it is just shocking how all the damage seems to only exist in your own head.

[davidk]

how has today been?

ha that’s funny with the phone,

I’ve known of someone to do that driving a forklift truck and run over their own phone.

as for reality setting in and realising what they’ve lost, I don’t know if they ever will, as they are so self destructive and self absorbed and experts at turning it around, so I imagine it would just be turned into another thing where they are the victim and we are oh so bad for how we have treated them, and it really does seem like they are so delusional that they do believes this.

[davidk]

that sounds very frustrating,

it is a weird one with alcohol that they cant just stop, although I would have thought if he was in hospital then they would have something to help you withdraw, it seems mad that the advice on discharge is basically to keep drinking to avoid more fits.

[davidk]

it is so hard to watch such self destruction,

especially as she is a functioning substance abuser, like she does hold down a job etc,

I think if someones life is a total mess like on heroin where it takes their whole life away that maybe its easier to accept but because with coke/weed and alcohol we still see so much of the good side its harder to let go of it, and of course it breaks my heart to think of her getting worse but I do kind of accept that all the support in the world can’t change some people’s destiny.

[davidk]

your advice as helped me to take on this outlook so thank you.

[davidk]

that is such typical behavior,

just remember he is projecting his blame onto you,

to avoid it being about how he has messed up xmas he’s turning it around to being about you.

its the typical addict trick, like I said, its exactly what’s happened to me with our bust up, it’s now about how I behaved in front of kids etc rather than what she is doing, so the original issue is forgotten and its about something else, its just diversion tactics.

as for your previous message,

I would normally be going out of my mind worrying what is happening without me there but I feel like I’m in a new place at the moment of just having to accept it’s all out of my control and also I don’t want to know right now.

We speak a bit on phone each day, I cant visit her at the minute as she actually has covid, so thats forced me not to see her, but currently I think it’s probably a good thing as I don’t know what will happen when I go back, I feel so utterly hurt by everything that happened I just can’t imagine sitting around a table eating dinner with the family anymore.

even though I didn’t officially live there, it was like my home, I no longer feel like its my home or ever will be this is what makes me so sad at night, as I feel things may have to end as I cannot see how they can go forward yet I still love her and don’t want to see her sink.

[davidk]

shame your mum gets a bit heated about it, but it is difficult not to,

especially from the outside looking in as it all seems so simple when you aren’t emotionally attached to the situation.

personally I don’t ever drink or take drugs, I just don’t really care for them since around my late teens, think once I learnt to drive I preferred to have that freedom and of course if you drive places you shouldn’t be drinking or doing drugs,

I must say all this puts me off ever doing anything, but at the same time the stress of it all almost makes you need something as of course what do we have to blow off steam, they constantly have their drug of choice when they cannot cope with anything, but we have nothing for when we can’t cope with them.

currently its sleeping at night I’m struggling with,

I manage to try not to think too much about everything during the day and then as soon as I try to sleep my brain just won’t shut down, and I dwell on it all.

[davidk]

his case sounds strange then that he developed his problem so late in life, as i’d expect most people to have been troubled with substances on and off from much younger, but the fact the ex never used it in court is a pretty good sign, or he just hid it extremely well from her.

also sounds like he has had his fair share of troubles, but even so, I think people who turn to addiction can’t cope with the small things, and plenty of people go through much worse and still manage to hold themselves together its just something in their character, and trouble and bad luck always finds an easy path to them.

the great thing on this site is everyone else is in the same or similar boat or has been and seen all this same stuff.

whereas even if you talk to family,friends etc unless they have been there its hard for them to understand and will most likely just advise you to leave the person as they wont understand the love that keeps you there.

my parents really like my girlfriend though and one sister works in mental health and the other stood by her alcoholic husband, so I guess I’m quite fortunate that they are a bit more clued up on these things but even so its only in the last few weeks that I finally turned to them,

my sister with the alcoholic husband entirely understands as she has had all these emotions herself (and all the horror stories), but she stuck by him and for many years he has turned his life around and hopefully that will continue, so perhaps her “happy” ending gives me some false hope of riding it out waiting for the miracle.

[davidk]

did you say your husband does normally work,

Does alcohol effect jobs or does he manage to hide it from work?

my girlfriend works in a school, and I do believe she is good at her job,

that’s the weird thing with her habits in that it mainly just effects the evening and also because they are so good at lying to themselves and hiding the problem they are therefore able to go about most people without it being noticed.

I think with most addiction and mental health issues the person is very self absorbed, so the attention thing could be true, like they are so wrapped up in themselves and always turn everything about them.

My girlfriend thinks she is the most hard done by person in the world half the time, the other half actually realises how good life is and how lucky she is to have all the nice things and opportunity, but the miserable addict in them sees everything in the negative.

I don’t know what music you like but as I was discovering my girlfriends coke problems earlier this year I was reading a book by singer Mark Lanegan, and weirdly found some comfort in his words.

He spent most of his life addicted to one thing then another mostly heroin and watched a lot of friends die etc, his book is very self absorbed and quite brilliantly shows into the mind of an addict, as he is writing it 20 odd years sober he is very open and honest about addiction in a way most addicts wont ever be or not at least until they are clean, so it is a good read to hear someone openly admit how selfish their addiction is and how unapologetic they are for it.

His music is much the same really, I don’t know why I listen to it but i’ve always liked depressing music ha.

[davidk]

I just read through your other posts for your story,

sorry to see this isn’t even the first alcoholic you have had in your life either.

which brings me to a previous point I have made where I wonder if people like us are somehow drawn to someone who needs help,

yet sadly we never get no thanks for it, and when it comes down to it our help can all just be undone anyway.

also I was going to ask how old the children are but I see in your other posts that the eldest is 11 (and sadly self harming and growing up in a time where online bullying etc is the normal)

so I’m guessing they are perhaps still too young to fully realise the problem although its surprising how much kids do pick up on.

I was so glad when I found this site though, as everything is normally about the addict and their problems (mostly self inflicted) yet really I cant help feeling the real victims are the people like us who are rational but trying to rationalise the behavior of the ones we love that don’t comply with rational behavior.

and thats what nearly sends us mad in the end, so hearing how our behavior as partners is almost as typical as the behavior of addicts does help.

[davidk]

ha that is ironic about the finger.

also typical behavior that the odd occasion we lose it, it is treated like the ultimate sin yet they take no blame for all the times they cause all the trouble.

like my current scenario all based over me getting angry with the kids there,

so instead of the argument being about what i was annoyed about (her doing drugs with her daughter and letting the son have front row seat) it has now shifted to being about how I behaved etc.

They really are experts at turning everything away from themselves when it suits,

I guess its just years of practice and self deception too, as the lies and deception seem to be the main common thread amongst everyone’s stories.

do you live with your partner? as obviously that makes you more tied down but that alone isn’t a reason to stay.

I don’t live with her but I have been with her since she got her house and have helped every step to make it “our” home ready to move in one day,

and when she is the woman I love, she has all the same dreams with what we want and what we want to do with the house etc,

but I now accept I can never live there, as I can’t live in a house where I have to just accept the other 3 people being selfish and having no respect for me and also constantly feeling like in any disagreement I am automatically in the wrong and I am the one to have to leave.

even though the disagreements are always over either drugs and everyone leaving no end of mess for someone else to deal with.

there is no give and take, its one way, if I don’t like it then don’t move in, that’s my girlfriends attitude when she’s being a dick, yet other times she will agree that we do need to set rules and teach the kids etc but that’s just words that never actually come into action so I am always left looking like bad cop.

[davidk]

you have hit on something I have often wondered there,

is there something in me that attracted me to the chaos?

Did I subconsciously want to try and save someone?

Is that just my nature and would I just repeat it,

and part of me thinks that the strong do need to help those weaker, but you get no thanks for it.

consciously it isn’t what I think I want at all,

and within myself I feel quite at peace,

I also believe in a type of love that perhaps doesn’t exist,

I’m not the most selfless person in normal standards but for the few people I keep close to me I really would do anything.

and that very much does feel one sided.

especially when time and again you come second to drugs.

[davidk]

Hi,

thanks for reading my story and your comments,

It sounds like you have your hands full too, sorry to hear your xmas has been ruined,

that’s the problem with these people, they are incapable of holding it together for events,birthdays etc, none of that registers with them, its almost like the pressure of giving someone a nice birthday is too much for them to deal with and they can’t prevent themselves ruining it.

sounds like you are similar to me though in that you can’t turn your back on him,

as angry as it makes you and run down, I think we both still have that little bit left in us to keep trying to hold it together and still longing for the good times to return.

also, I know what you mean with the whole “when things are back to normal” routine, I think that’s what makes it harder to give up on them, because we experience this good side and for so long it fools me into thinking it was all behind us and things could never return to how they were, but then another bad occasion is always looming, sometimes years later.

also during these “normal” periods, they act like nothing ever happened, like it wasn’t even them almost, like they don’t even remember it,

but i’ve also found the “normal” soon shows cracks if you start to mention them slipping into bad habits.

luckily for you your partner doesn’t seem to do the abusive part, but its still not right that you are left holding things together, relationships are supposed to be about being a team.

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