[daydream]

So the text did come and spent time till early hours talking in depth about everything.

He has phone consultations every Thursday with the doctor and this time they have put him on anti depressants and mood stabilizers so it started off with him asking me if he should take them and is it the right thing to do so I said yeah as he needs something.

The doctor has told him he needs to be happy and that comes from within so the tablets are only a helping hand which again I agreed with, the doctor asked him what makes him happy and he told him alchol, coke, coke and girls .. then added that these are all not actually real things.

He told me in the self reflection he’s done this week he realises that if he was sliding down he would call me and I would go and being with me makes him happy as he feels like he is escaping his reality as he can’t face what he’s done and being with me is like a dream world but now he realises he needs to face reality, and build up his life again, he’s told me his plans and says he feels ashamed about the way he’s treated me and everyone close to him.

He’s said because he feels worthless and his anxiety gets to him he drinks which then leads to coke and then when it starts he’s gone.

He said he wants me there for the recovery and he knows out of everyone that I’ve seen him at his worst and always been there even now when actually I don’t need to have him around at all or let him back in after weeks of radio silence.

He said he understands if I don’t want to wait but when he’s back on top of the world in a few months he’s picking me up for a real date in the car he’s going to get and he wants to have his own house and independence to be able to invite me over and just build a life. He’s said if I am standing by him it’s a none committed thing right now yes he wants to see me at least once a week and he wants us to go and have what he calls normal people fun and reconnect with out him being high as a kite but at the same time he needs to work on himself do his therapy and get his life on the road, fix his family relationships and build trust so at the moment this is his main focus, but he won’t be trying to talk to girls or getting in a relationship at all.

So basically I’ve said I’ve always been there, I get that it’s an illness but I won’t support the addict life style and I am not a mug. He’s agreed.

He’s saying all the right words but as of yet I’ve not seen him to see if he’s actually in the real world he’s said he wants to see me this week and of course he’s talked about getting clean before usually when he’s on a drug come down, my friend read the messages and basically said that it’s the most sence he’s ever made in the whole time I’ve known him and I agree.

But we know addicts have a habbit of manipulation!

[daydream]

Yes a lot of people say I am an empath, I think it’s the thought like I said if what he ‘could’ be if he sorted himself, as if I was in that position I would sort myself out.

I’ve just read his text out to my friend and she’s said that basically he’s saying .. he wants to sort him self isn’t ready for a relationship, will be jealous if I get into one .. But he may or may not want me if he ever does sort himself out.

So he’s manipulating the situation as he’s basically saying I’ll do what I want while you sit there and wait to see if I might want you or I could just change my mind .. She’s said the same as you, he wants all these things but what is he offering? Which is so true. At the moment I am waiting on a reply to a text I sent him 2 days ago, but as this is how it always is I kind of don’t get upset about it :/

[daydream]

Yeah!! Makes me laugh as well as he’s come back to the why didnt he pick me over the girl he got with and split with .. apparently he needed someone who didn’t know anything about him or his past, someone who wouldnt judge him and take him at face value I.e the decent person he pretends to be .. apparently he’s got too much respect for me to treat me like he does everyone else he looks at me as the ‘end plan’ and if not that I’ll always be his best mate .. Which in a twisted way is correct but it’s only as I probably don’t allow it and also I do know him not the fabricated version all these girls get a first before the devil appears!

I think in some ways I am better off this way than thinking he’s Prince charming he’s never put that show on for me, hearing him admit what he’s done to ex is actually scary and I feel so sorry for her!

[daydream]

Yes that’s 100% true .. I laughed when he said he can’t handle too much truth and I bring it home to him and he needs to avoid it, Its the escaping from reality .. I said if you just faced reality and dealt with it then the problem would be solved. But how do you force someone to face reality??

It’s like one step forward 2 back as he’s told me a lot of things he’s not said before but he has said he needs to focus on himself .. more than once in the past, however I am thinking that was without a rehab stint and his weekly forced zoom meetings so at least that’s a positive. He said he cannot keep doing the same things over and over but again he knew this 2 years ago!

Well that’s what he said for all I know he could have been buying but when I asked him what it’s for he straight away said its not for drugs then said well it is but not to have now it’s debt .. He needed 200 not sure how much coke that actually gets you but I said I was only giving him the £70 I owed him. He’s asked for money in the past and I’ve always said no, if anything it’s him that helps me out but the fact I’ve given him money now is playing on my mind so just trying to forget it!!

[daydream]

So update .. I’ve heard from him!

He lent me some money a few months ago and was asking for it back .. apparently to pay a drug debt, I gave it him as to be honest he sounded insane .. told him first and last time and it’s only as I owed him.

He then went on to say he had to leave as he can’t handle the truths I tell him and he can’t deal with my crying and the guilt he feels.

We had a huge convo and basically he’s said that he realises he needs to sort himself out and wants us to just be chilled out while he starts to love himself again.

It’s all good talk and self reflective for once. He’s said he doesn’t expect for me to wait for him .. So we will see but regardless I’ll carry on with my life.

Draining nightmare!

[daydream]

I usually think it’s the opposite when he’s missing from here .. he’s not using – but I know he has been using constantly over the past year as he’s told me so himself, and I think the last time I saw him he was on a missing from his girlfriend at the time! I am just the ‘extra’ bandage so he doesn’t feel as bad and alone! Sad as it is!

My brother is an functioning alcoholic so I kind of understand addiction but I also don’t as I think there’s too much life to miss out on when your either drunk or on drugs!

But like he says he doesn’t see a future and he lives in the past you can’t convince someone that the future will be better as who knows it’s just a circle argument that I never win!

I think the thing that gets me most is the nice things that get said and then the come down is that he meant it but cant do it, I just can’t get that at all!

[daydream]

@kel1

So true about the charm .. was with an friend last night talking about it all and she said the same things!

I think I just need to put him in a box and forget about it becuase no matter what I do won’t change it, we were trying to work out if last week was the first time he had used since Jan but I won’t ever know and he’s not ever going to come with the truth either. Who knows if he uses in the week or if I am an excuse to go on a weekend bender, in which case he’s done right cutting me off!

@Dazzaot How long have you been clean for? What was rock bottom for you? I don’t think he will reach that as he’s got a silver tongue he litrally moves from one mug to another!

[daydream]

Yeah I am hurting for sure as I look back on the patterns of it all and the convo over the years and I just think what the hell he’s good at making me think I am the only girl in his world that’s for sure when I look back and read into the.

The list of bad things about him out weighs the good right now and that’s what I have remember.

Him not blocking that number just means games.

I defo am I your right there I’ll give everything for nothing or for a shred. I think this is where I’ve gone wrong with him clearly I am 3rd or 4th on the list but as he’s got a way with words it’s always been arm length so I feel like I’ve got to be better and that’s madness!

[daydream]

Well 4 hours down and he’s not blocked the number yet but not unblocked mine either, however I do feel better and to be honest I know he won’t reply maybe for months like you say.

This is the thing when he’s not replying I just think he’s ok I don’t pine for him even though hes a fleeting thought so maybe as more time passes and I don’t hear from him I might be able to move on with life? I actually said next time I see him am gonna tell him your with me or your not so I can’t be mad now I’ve done it and this has happened!

Yes it can, just gotta look for the good and remember not everyone is bad but it’s difficult when all you feel that happens is bad!

[daydream]

Well I’ve actually messaged him off a friends phone and he’s seen it so I kind of feel a bit more at peace now as everything I wanted to put is on it .. mighty long message but at least I’ve got my thoughts out there.

I obviously don’t know what state of mind he’s in right now but regardless, I feel like I have a right to tell him how I feel I’ve put up with this for so long I kind of feel like my life has been on hold for the day he sorts himself out and deluded that it will work so I’ll wait and your right its the rejection and the upset I think because I’ve been doing this in my mind for 2 years, now it’s offical and he’s said hes done it kind of makes me think I’ve lost my future to look forward to but actually I’ve not lost much just the reality of how it could have been. I am the one thats living a normal life.

You sound like your well over it and I hope I can get to where you are rather than this mindset!

[daydream]

You saying that what I say doesn’t have any bearing actually makes me feel a bit better actually, makes me feel less like I’ve caused this.

Probably have done this past week but again that’s based on the blocking as I hate blocking it’s such an immature way of going about things, to me it’s maximum hurt effect and because I’ve never been the one messaging him first anyway it’s kind of confusing, if I was constantly messaging then fair enough but I don’t.

It’s funny as I actually do separate him and even call him different names according to who he’s being and yes he is more the alter ego and the thing is he chooses to be the other person as I’ll ask him who I am getting today, maybe by doing that to his face is buying more into his show .. As he likes the attention of it all. I think that’s one of the main issues he does loads of things purly for bad reactions it’s like he understands a bad reaction and likes it more than being a good person and being well thought of.

[daydream]

Yeah it’s exactly that .. He’s my comfort blanket, but now he’s decided he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me I feel like I am on my own, which again is stupid as it’s not as if he was there all the time or we were in a relationship anyway. I just knew if I needed him he would be there.

I wish I could have a do over of the weekend in a way and not say what I said! I should have just left it like I usually do.

Now I just feel like I am being selfish expecting what he cant give and ruined it for no reason only I wanted him to know my feelings.

I wish I could dip into his mind sometimes and just see it from his side!

[daydream]

Thanks I appreciate you trying to help me make sence of all this 🙁

[daydream]

When he’s not using or drunk is usually when theres radio silence which is when I feel better as I know he’s ok .. That sounds stupid in itself :/

I’ve never been one to call and text him in the past as I try and keep the distance but when he does call I’ll go as I think at least someone is there talking to him and in that case he won’t do as much, Its weird as like I say he doesn’t really go high and happy if he’s on it he’s just optimistic about the future and talking about the past and how he wont make the same mistakes and making promises about the future and how much he loves me and then the next day even more depressed but it switches over to he will always love me but he will ruin my life.

I am not stupid enough to think he only does this when he rings me, obviously he doesn’t but I feel like if he doesn’t have me to call on that’s the night he’s going to end up dead and although there’s nothing I can do about that .. how I am I supposed to live with that knowing what I know about the things he’s said in the past.

I met him when I was having a horrible time myself not with drugs just life in general .. and the way he used to put life into perspective, or help me to see another way of doing things or give advice, pulled me through so much and when ever I was having a bad time I would always hear a song or see something related to him so it would pull me out of the mood I was in so I guess in a way I am addicted to him and his thought process as he’s wise.

My friend has said from the start, as we both have the same mind sets on life and are both business minded and push each other we would be a match made in heaven as we would have it all if only it wasnt for the drugs and I live in fantasy land thinking it’s true.

I’ve spoken to a few of my friends who have met him about it but they just tell me to get over it, and if he’s blocked me then let it go as they would, I wish my mind could just switch stuff off like that but unfortunaly I can’t 🙁

[daydream]

Yeah, again though I think some of that is a front as he’s just mega depressed.

Obviously you will know what I mean when I say one minutes he’s like a crying child telling me not to leave him and the next mr attitude with confidence levels to the moon.

I don’t think he knows what he actually wants, as he says hes never going to be happy and just lives in his past memories.

I do accept it which is why I kind of don’t have a go at him about it.

I think he will probably ignore me to be honest as he’s never said any of this before such as I won’t hear from him and he’s done he’s never blocked me before either, usually it’s the opposite no matter what happens I am one of his circle that he’s always looking out for so this is a change totally in behaviour for him?! Do they come back even after saying stuff like this?

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