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Hi I have such a similar story except he didn’t do it in front of me just the drinking and no affair to my knowledge. He became such a toxic person, so nasty and gaslighting me, staying up all night with his sons and sleeping through the day. I used to get test strips from Amazon and would pray they would be negative but everytime they were positive and it hit me really hard. I eventually threw him out but every day my mind was consumed by him and cocaine and us as I still loved him. I also had terrible stomach problems and anxiety. We would keep trying and he would move back in but it would eventually go bad again. This happened so many times. Fast forward to today he is no longer here. Our fights became worse and worse and he had completely changed in personality. He was depressed and off the coke I believe after joining Cocaine Anonymous (By the way without his knowledge I also spent many sessions signing into open online meetings to try to understand an addict and they were always really welcoming to me). But our marriage had changed, so many lies and now lack of trust. I very gradually started to feel better in myself. He would still come here for the weekends and I still loved him but every time we had an argument he would leave and take more of his stuff and even stuff he had given to me as presents. Anyway now I have filed for divorce and am feeling better every day (still have the odd bad day). I still love him and I know he loves me deeply but I can’t continue on this roller coaster of a life. It’s too stressful. What I am trying to say is there is light at the end of the tunnel and you don’t deserve this either. When you are in the thick of things you are just there and it’s hard to imagine life without him. My friends and family all saw it but at the end of the day it is you that has to make the decision. I feel stronger, less stressed and feel I am getting my old self back. I truly hope you get through this as well and learn to smile again and it is possible – cocaine is a terrible drug which normally goes hand in hand with the alcohol. It changes people so much. I still yearn for the person that he was when I met him but so much has happened and he has now destroyed it all. Good luck x
I think it’s called Matt Willis – Fighting Addiction
I am very sorry you are going through this – yet another poor wife a victim of cocaine addiction. I have now filed for divorce as we can’t even spend an evening together without it going toxic and now he has put his ex wife before me and that is too much for me to cope with as I am way too far down the list of his priorities and not where a wife should be. I don’t know if he is still taking it as we have been apart for a while now and met on a handful of occasions. He doesn’t know that I have filed and will be informed on May 1st and I know that he is going to be really hurt but the last thing he said to me was that he wanted a divorce. I am heartbroken yet again and just can’t go on living this life anymore. Am I doing the right thing – I have no idea as I still love him desperately but the longer we go on the more likely that he would be able to go for my assets and I can’t risk that as our relationship is so volatile. Maybe once he is better if he ever gets better we could start again without marriage – I am at a loss and so so sad x
I have just read through this whole thread and feel desperately sorry for so many people who are going through hell. I am also married to a cocaine addict (he has finally admitted it) When I first met him I found out he did it occasionally but gradually over 5 years it has now got to the point of addiction. I still have so many questions that need answering but I will ask him in time as I found out on Christmas Eve that he had taken it again. At this time I didn’t realise that he was an addict and it was about the 10th time I had found out in 5 years of which we split up about 6 times for a short period of time but I always took him back as I loved him despite family and friends all telling me not too. It is so hard when you love someone. I had been making excuses for him saying no he wasn’t an addict despite people telling me he was. Anyway I threw him out – it was my house before we married and his adult children went with him. I like Lauriedee felt so bad as it was Christmas but I just couldn’t take it anymore. Likewise I provided him with a nice house, food and he wasn’t contributing to any bills. I guess all his money was going up his nose and I do know that he is in debt but don’t know the full extent of it as he won’t tell me. We have now been separated since then and he has admitted his addiction and is going to NA and also seeing a therapist. I met up with him a couple of weekends ago and it was awful – just a barrage of nastiness came out of his mouth for which he was so remorseful afterwards. He is severely depressed and threatening suicide. Before Christmas probably for the last year he had become so nasty to me and there was hardly a weekend that his toxic behaviour didn’t ruin things. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so nasty to someone that they were supposed to love. I am still thinking that I want us to work out but am so scared that things will go wrong again. But I am starting to see the hell that he has put me and my family through (my kids hate him for what he has done) and am maybe starting to think that I don’t want an addict in my life anymore. Any advice would be helpful. He says he has had one relapse in January since Christmas but I don’t know whether to believe him. I am supposed to be seeing him tomorrow. Any advice would be really helpful x
Well I have had a shock wake up call. I met up with my husband yesterday after living apart since Christmas – we have kept in touch by text and occasional phone call. He firstly laid into me verbally accusing me of basically ruining our marriage taking little responsibility to the fact that we have split every time because of his cocaine use and awful toxic behaviour towards me for at least the last year. It all kinds of makes sense now as he has admitted he is a coke addict and that he took after Christmas but finally he is getting help by attending therapy along with going to meetings at NA. Even though deep down I knew he was taking coke a lot more than I thought, I had been in denial that he was an addict. Anyway meeting didn’t go well he called me nasty unrepeatable names, was crying, saying he was going to kill himself and has blocked me on every angle. Any advice would be gratefully received as I really don’t know what to do now as so worried about him x
Crikey what an awful Christmas for you. Has he only become paranoid since taking coke and has he managed to get off it before. My husband never went on benders with it but I always knew when he had been taking it. Was very narcissistic and would often sleep in day times at weekends. Was also drinking heavily and taking antidepressants as he had started to become so nasty, putting me down and making me question my sanity. He now has apparently written me a letter which should arrive Wednesday so will be interested to see what it says. Haven’t spoken as such only email and crazily I had suggested we talk when he comes to pick up his stuff on Sunday. I so wish I could hold grudges but I do know that I won’t be able to trust him for a long time and without trust what is a marriage? We have been together since April 2018 and married in August 2020 and I think I first found out about the coke in around May 2019 or maybe earlier and stupidly went ahead and got married. Anyway we will see – I am exhausted by all this as I’m sure you are x
Hi he still hasn’t come home not that I have asked him too as I just can’t carry on like this anymore with the nastiness and constant lies and deceit. Sorry you spent New Year’s Eve alone also. What happened? Hope you are ok. He had blocked me on everything and yesterday unblocked me but I sent him a message just now but deleted it before he read it as thought better of it and so now I am blocked again on everything. I am feeling desperately sad but at least he has told all of his family now and says he is getting help and that he wants us to be together again but I think I have no option but to divorce him as all house etc are mine and the longer I stay married to him the more claim he will have. If he can get better then maybe we can start at the beginning again. Maybe a completely crazy idea as I am so fed up of being let down and have zero trust left x
I am in the same situation. My husband left with his kids on Christmas Day and is now at his mum’s house. I found out he had taken cocaine again on Christmas Eve – this is about the 8th time in our 2 years of marriage and each time he swore he wouldn’t touch it again and I am heartbroken that he has destroyed our life together and that cocaine is more important to him than our marriage. There is no way that he will tell his mum but his 3 kids from his first marriage all know (18 years old to 22 years old) so no doubt the rest of the family will blame everything on me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t forgive him again as it will just continue I’m sure and none of my family or friends want me to take him back. On top of the cocaine use his personality is completely different – he’s nasty to me, belittles me and causes horrible arguments all the time blaming me for everything. I am completely destroyed because of all this and used to be a strong person and now I am just a wreck
Morning everyone – the day after Christmas Day – the day my husband left. On the night before Christmas Eve he twitched all night in his sleep, a sure sign he had been using again so I stupidly confronted him on Christmas Eve and he wouldn’t take a test. Shameful to admit I attacked him – I think my brain had just had enough. We were going to have such a lovely Christmas with family but it ended up with him leaving with his boys on Christmas Day and we’ve had no words since. Everyone in my family is saying this has to be it – he has let me down so so many times. I’m feeling so emotional especially as he bought me such thoughtful presents this year. I know this has to be the end – it was a long time coming. I naively thought he had actually stopped as he started taking antidepressants as he had hit rock bottom about a month ago. Any advice would be so welcome as I just don’t know how to cope especially as my 2 kids are going to their dad’s today, Boxing Day and I am going to be alone with only my thoughts and my little dog. He took the other dog out of her home in the countryside to London to live now. My one is very quiet and I’m sure misses her friend desperately. I can’t stop crying and think I need to talk to someone. x
Hi everyone – not been on here for a while and changed my name as had a sudden paranoia I would leave my laptop open. Still really struggling with our relationship. Went on holiday last month and was terrible. I didn’t realise someone could continue to be so nasty (completely nice to strangers on plane) – I was looking to fly home and we had only just got there. Eventually had a talk and he said if I left him he would throw himself off a bridge and was full of tears and sorry. One night we were all out (we went with his sons and his mum) and I found him trying to buy something off a guy (not sure what it was either weed or cocaine) but managed to stop the transaction. Also had a heart to heart with his eldest son who he seems to have been taking it with the last few times I found out. I said that if he took it with his dad and I found out that would mean the end of the marriage. He didn’t really seem to see that there was any problem that his dad took it but then I guess he doesn’t know the full story. We still haven’t been getting on except one weekend about 3 weeks ago. This weekend it is his middle sons 21st and he is having a party here which his other sons will be at too. I said last night that I needed to speak to him about this weekend and he immediately knew what I was going to say and said he would speak with them and I could test him. I still don’t really know what to do as now the house is on the market in order to find somewhere nearer to a station for his commute – am I being completely insane – I’ll let you know how things go this weekend x
well we had a blow up last night – I just couldn’t keep it to myself. He even asked me to retest him which I did and it was positive and finally admitted that he had taken it with his son. Told him it was over as couldn’t be with someone that I had no trust in anymore and who lied to me all the time. He went to bed and then was gone when I got up this morning so who knows what is going to happen
Thank you for your replies – it helps speaking to people that know what you are going through. I have told a few close friends but they all say to just leave as it will never change and I’m starting to think that too. The trouble is that he won’t admit he has a problem. My biggest dilemma right now is do I tell him I know as I am scared of the arguments/lies/him leaving yet again and if I don’t tell him that means I’m enabling him to carry on. I’m so sorry you are dealing with the same sort of situation too although you are a few steps ahead of me and I really hope that you get things back on track without cocaine. right now though I can’t really see light at the end of the tunnel and this is my life which I so don’t want as he has promised me so many times before x
Thank you for your replies – it helps speaking to people that know what you are going through. I have told a few close friends but they all say to just leave as it will never change and I’m starting to think that too. The trouble is that he won’t admit he has a problem. My biggest dilemma right now is do I tell him I know as I am scared of the arguments/lies/him leaving yet again and if I don’t tell him that means I’m enabling him to carry on. I’m so sorry you are dealing with the same sort of situation too although you are a few steps ahead of me and I really hope that you get things back on track without cocaine. right now though I can’t really see light at the end of the tunnel and this is my life which I so don’t want as he has promised me so many times before x
Thank you for this – I will take a look now x
I know that is exactly how I feel – should I stay or go. We don’t have children between us but have 5 in total from first marriages. I also can’t bear the thought of having to check constantly and really thought we had turned a corner – I had to keep looking at the test strip in case I got it wrong but I hadn’t. We just had our second wedding anniversary and he was very agitated so I suspect he had some then which was 2 weeks ago and recently he has been so stressed at work so maybe this is why he has started using again – who knows. I just don’t know whether to confront him today/tomorrow…..? He has taken to flushing the loo every morning since I was testing him at Christmas and every one was coming back positive but this morning he must have forgotten – I really thought it would be negative and am so shocked that it was positive x