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Hi everyone.
Well we went and had a wonderful trip and I had started to trust my husband again. However today he forgot to flush the loo before leaving for work and guess what – he was positive. I hadn’t tested him since July and am devastated. I don’t know whether to confront him or stay quiet but I know me and it will be on my mind the whole time. I can’t believe he has done it again. Any advice as am at my wits end as we had been getting on so much better xx
Hi everyone.
Well we went and had a wonderful trip and I had started to trust my husband again. However today he forgot to flush the loo before leaving for work and guess what – he was positive. I hadn’t tested him since July and am devastated. I don’t know whether to confront him or stay quiet but I know me and it will be on my mind the whole time. I can’t believe he has done it again. Any advice as am at my wits end as we had been getting on so much better xx
Firstly I am so sorry that you are in this situation with a young child and I might as well have written your post except that I don’t have kids with him and we are in are 50’s – I met him 4 years ago and have been married for 2. I found out that he had taken coke not too long after I met him and was really surprised and shocked to find 2 wraps (I think they are called) hidden in his cupboard which bought up red flags for me. I have since found out quite a few times when he has taken it and the last time we split up about 7 weeks ago and he said he had hit rock bottom but even when we had split for 2 weeks he still took it with his son whose 21 and his son’s friends when they were playing poker at his mums house. Shocking for his poor mum as she already has another divorced son living with her who is an ex addict and alcoholic. It would kill her if she found out about my husband too. I since found out that 2 weeks ago he bumped into someone (presumably a dealer) at a pub and said he was given 2 lines but didn’t buy any but I guess that it triggered a craving as this weekend he was so awful to me that I secretly tested his urine and it came back positive. He denied it said the test was faulty and got so angry with me. I really don’t want this stress in my life and am slowly checking out even though I love him very much and like you I feel exhausted x
So today he is acting as if nothing has happened and still has not admitted to me that he has a problem. I just don’t know where to go from here. I want to say so much to him but he just gets angry and I wouldn’t trust that lies weren’t coming out of his mouth. I want to know if he owes money to dealers, how much he is in debt on credit cards and his bank, how often he has been taking it, how long he has been taking it, if he wants to stop (which I don’t think he does). I want to say I don’t want class A drugs in my house. I want him to sign a post nuptial to protect myself. I want him to say to his son not to bring any coke near him. I want a happy life going forwards but I don’t think I could ever trust him not to relapse going forward. I think my mental health has hit the bottom and I just don’t know what to do. I wish I could be strong enough to say this isn’t what I want out of life and to leave him when we get back from holiday. It’s all such a mess and I am reading so many unhappy situations on here -sorry for the rant x
I agree it’s the lies and how easily they come out of his mouth when I actually know the truth. Then there is the absolutely awful tirade of insults and I’m sitting there listening to them as he won’t let me say my piece and even if I do manage to get a word in they are not listened too and god forbid I say or do anything wrong it is repeatedly bought up and how everything is twisted around to be my fault even though he started it by taking coke or causing the argument. I think that while he is on it, the come down and then the craving are all just as bad. He stopped taking it for 7 weeks and I had my old husband back. This was after we had our last separation because I found out he had taken it and he wouldn’t talk and he left but in the end it was my fault!! And now yet another promise broken this week I found out yet again that he had taken it. I am slowly starting to think that I can’t carry on with this yo yo nasty life anymore. We are going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks and I’m pretty sure that it will be lovely as there is no way he will be able to get drugs where we are going and then when we get back and when another episode happens I am going to rethink my whole life. I like you have been a mentally strong person but I am beginning to lose all that and am so stressed because of everything. My kids hate him as they see how he is treating me which is very sad as they used to love him. He says when he takes it he isn’t harming anyone but is blind to see how he behaves. I wish I could record him and play it back when he is sober. I think he would be totally shocked. He comes from a good family and has a responsible job but weirdly his brother is also an ex coke addict and alcoholic and now divorced and living with his mum. Its awful how we have to be so suspicious and test and swab. I just want a normal life with a loving husband who isn’t broke all the time. Like you I don’t know how long he has been taking it but I think for the whole of the 4 years we have been together as I found it a few times before we married. I wish sometimes that we had never married as it would be so much easier to just walk away if or when I have too. Also like your wife he never admits to having a problem and won’t talk about it. I just wish I knew the whole truth as it would make things a lot easier instead of trying to second guess all the time and also like your wife he is so angry at me for trying to stop him from taking it and says I am controlling and he is not my prisoner. I believe they have to hit rock bottom which is what I thought had happened last time before they can admit to having a problem. I have attended several cocaineanonymous meetings online and it is ok to attend if it is an open meeting and it has helped to see things from an addicts point of view and they are all very helpful and friendly. I think it is incredibly hard for an addict to just stop on their own although on another thread on here there is one lovely lady whose husband has stopped on his own. its a nasty evil drug that hijacks their brain and consumes their lives and lives of their partners and families. Never in a million years did I think I would be in this situation especially in my 50’s. I look at friends in second marriages and partnerships and I envy how their life is so normal and happy. Sorry for rambling on and I really hope things get better for you x
Hi I can 100% relate to what you are going through. I too have a blended family and have been married for 2 years, together for 4+ years and have a husband who is taking coke behind my back although I always seem to find out and have confronted him a number of times and firstly he lies through his teeth and then finally admits it but won’t admit he has a problem at all even though it all points to addiction and like you I am devastated and don’t know what to do. I have bought test strips from amazon and you can test the urine if the loo is not flushed and even this weekend I had a positive result and confronted him only for it to be thrown back in my face that I am wrong and the test must be wrong then last night he asked for a pot so that I could test him but miraculously the test strip disappeared so this morning he was up early and didn’t flush but unbeknown to him I had more tests downstairs and yet again it was positive. He is unbelievably nasty to me when taking it or perhaps on a come down I don’t know which. I love him so much but hate him at the same time and am gradually withdrawing from him as I don’t want my life to be like this. Sending you hugs and support – this website has helped me so much x
I tested again this morning as he had left a bit of wee on the toilet seat – it didn’t travel up the test stick so dipped it in water to get it to go up and guess what – positive. He had also removed the last test I had upstairs but little did he know that I had some downstairs too. Bizarrely he had asked me to bring a pot up so he could test in the morning. Most likely would have dipped the test in water. This whole thing is so wearing me down and I look and feel terrible x
Hi thank you for your message – a lot of what you said resonates with me and every bit of help that I get on here means a lot. He now says I don’t love him and am just in love with the idea of being in love with someone. How ridiculous is that?? Does he honestly think I would put myself through all this for the last 4+ years. No one in their right mind would want to willingly go through this. I am starting to distance myself from him though as I just don’t know how much more I can take. Its not just the lying but the nasty narcissistic behaviour that makes me question myself as a person. He says I always ruin every weekend and when was the last time we had some fun. If he had actually talked and listened to me instead of throwing horrible comments my way and had stopped ignoring me this weekend we would have had a chance. Anyway its just under 2 weeks now till we go away so I am going to use that time to see how we actually do get on. xx
Ahh thank you so much. I actually am crying right now. I don’t know where to go from here. I love him but hate him too. He is for sure thinking that I can’t control when or if he takes coke. I don’t want to be married to someone who takes it especially when he can’t afford it. I feel that he resents me for trying to stop him. I just want a normal life with a loving person that isn’t a drug addict. it’s so so difficult xx
So I just voiced my worries about him going to ascot with his son and his son’s friend and his reaction was. Jesus we’re married I’m not your prisoner. How do I react to that xx
Hi FNF I am still totally confused how he can be so adamant that the test was wrong when it was so positive – maybe when I was out he just dipped it in water. His answer was maybe my daughter went for a wee in my loo when I didn’t know – she doesn’t even take coke although in the past she has at festivals only. I know it is his fault and yes he has to earn my trust but don’t think it will be there for a long time yet especially as he has let me down every time he has promised me he won’t do it again and I’m sure there will be more of this down the line! And yes he is a complete lying s**t – it makes me so angry that he tries to blame everyone else except himself. His son wants him to go to Henley with him the week before we go on honeymoon along with his son’s friend who bought the coke last time and all I could think of was they are going to do coke so I’m going to say before he goes that I am going to test him on his return and if he is positive I’m not going on our holiday with him. It will be really interesting to see what happens…I totally agree with you that the reason that he puts my family down is through embarrassment. I am absolutely going to voice to them that they are never to bring drugs into my house again and if they do that will be the last time they come down. It’s interesting that recently he has mentioned on several occasions that it is his house too like yesterday I made a comment about what were we going to do and he said I’m just sitting in my house watching television. I really am getting the impression that if we split he is going to make a claim on my house which really worries me. He is still belittling me tonight and I look at him and am starting to feel nothing for him x
Yes that is what I thought although the wee today was definitely his x
Thanks Ash. Yes ok – yesterday was horrendous. Silent treatment all day and anger because I had accused him and he said he hadn’t – while I was out he did a test and it was left for me to see and it was negative. Did one this morning and also negative so a bit confused. He was so angry with me saying that I had embarrassed him in front of my daughter and her boyfriend which I hadn’t done. I had got a bit upset the night before about my father who is being abandoned by my step mother and being put in a home. He wrongly assumed I was getting upset because of him. We had gone out with my family on Thursday night and last night he said that he hadn’t wanted to go out with my ‘spastic’ family – so incredibly rude and spiteful. Today he is fine – so weird. I really don’t think I can put up with this nastiness for much longer so when we get back and he starts again or tests positive I am going to have to have a massive rethink about what I want in my life. Think he is a narcissist?? x
Thanks Ash. Well asked if we could have a proper talk and his response was no thanks. Maybe anger, guilt r doesn’t care. No idea where to go from here as he’s not talking to me 🙁
Well I’ve woken to another nightmare day. I said to him last night that I knew that he had been taking coke again as I had done a test and it was positive. He slept in the spare room and no idea what time he actually went to bed. I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything but unfortunately a few glasses of wine and it all came pouring out. I didn’t sleep at all last night and went in to his room and asked him to come to ours and he said no and I was lucky he was still there. Shocked again – I really don’t know how much more I can take – it’s so exhausting and I don’t want this life. I feel I may have jinxed our holiday and he won’t come sadly but maybe that is a good thing I don’t know. I don’t know what to say to him today but I know we have to talk – any advice would be good. I know not to be confrontational. I also know that he promised me after last time that he would tell me if he ever took it again – yet another lie x