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Hi thank you for your message. I will go away I think with him and it may make him realise when he next takes it and I find out when we are back what he will be missing as I’m pretty sure we will get on well on holiday as he will be coke free – god forbid he if he sneaks some on board and if he does I hope to god he gets caught unless he puts it in my luggage!!! – perish the thought….I’m so done with crying and even if I do there is absolutely zero empathy from him. He is actually disgusting come to think of it. I now know that when he treats me like he has that he is taking coke as no normal rational person that is supposed to be in love with you would behave like that. I actually now crave his boys to come down so I don’t have to spend time with him. It’s funny how he can be so caring and lovely to everyone else except me when he is taking it. I suppose it’s because I am the one that knows about it and is trying to stop him and he is so resentful about this. Last week when I found out he had taken it he said to me that it doesn’t change the person that he is and he’s not hurting anyone. I just can’t understand how he cannot see that he is such a different person and has a personality transplant when taking it. It’s like living with a monster. Next time I am going to try to record him when he is on one of his tirades and then play it back to him when sober so he can actually see what he is like to me. x
Another day and another positive test. He slipped up and forgot to flush the loo this morning. Yesterday and Wednesday evening were horrific the way that he was talking to me and treating me and couldn’t understand how he could be so so nasty but now I know. It was like he had verbal diarrhoea of completely horrendous things coming out of his mouth accusing me of doing things I hadn’t done and then completely ignoring what I was saying in protest to the accusations. Just horrible and then in the next breath talking to his son on the phone and being so nice. Completely broke this month and still somehow buying coke. 2 weeks till we go away. and then 3 weeks away then going to see when he next takes it and I think that has to be it. Or else do I accept that this is my life and that I am married to a coke addict. Devastated yet again x
Hi glad that he is making progress but like you I do feel that I am checking out slowly and also looking at all my friends relationships and wondering what I did to end up with this and also am waiting for the next episode to happen and don’t know how much forgiveness I have left in me. Hope you’re ok
Hi so have had a little time to think. Spoke with him just now and he says his job is so stressful and that he is having a horrendous day and thank goodness he has a happy life outside of it and always looks forward to coming home. Bit gobsmacked like he is in complete denial of what has just taken place. I think he is also trying to make an excuse why he took it on Tuesday. Anyway I yet again seem to have forgiven him but not sure how much forgiveness is left in me. I have decided to go away with him on our trip and will deal with the consequences on our return if it happens again. Luckily I don’t think there will be any way of him getting any on holiday as we are going on safari and then to a small island. I would be horrified if he even tried…I think there will be time to talk while we are away and let him know exactly how he makes me feel with no escape to go anywhere else unless he gets another flight home but know he couldn’t afford that anyway. It is horrendous for us to have to live this life and the more it goes on and I forgive him I’m thinking how weak I am to let him walk all over me. I’m lucky in the way I have grown children but know exactly how you all feel as my last husband was an alcoholic and I stayed for their sake but eventually he had an affair which gave me a thankful reason to leave him. My children suffered greatly because of his behaviour and are now thankful that we separated. I think I must have a tendency to pick a certain type of person!!! I listen to all your advice and am very thankful for it and that I can talk to people who know exactly where we are coming from xx
Hi yes went home and didn’t really discuss it except he did seemed pissed off with me!!! when I asked a few questions. Woke up this morning feeling very deflated and don’t know what to do. The thing is that we had been getting on really well and I was beginning to think that perhaps we were getting through this. I’m thinking maybe we go on holiday – he seems to think there is no question that we’re not going by asking questions last night about it – and then when we are back I can reflect on things and see how things go. He said last time that he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t do it again and I kind of accepted that but left him knowing that I didn’t want that and that it really affected me and our relationship. He 100% doesn’t think he has an addiction. The twitching in his sleep has coincided with positive tests and I look back on our relationship before we were married and even when we first met he would twitch a lot and it would keep me awake so he has been taking it all the time we’ve been together. Before I knew I put it down to restless legs syndrome and even brought him some pills to help. He said he went to the pub with his friend and he also did this a couple of weeks ago (so probably took it then too)but they both have strava and the routes that they took on Tuesday don’t match each others routes and I challenged him on this and he said look at my strava – he lies so easily!! I hate that I have no trust in the person I am married too. He said yesterday that it didn’t change him as a person but he can’t see that it does change him and my opinion of him. I was looking at him last night and feeling kind of disgusted with him and I suppose feeling sorry for myself that I had drawn the short straw and other people were lucky not to have this sort of person in their life. Yesterday at a shop there was a couple in front of me and looking very happy and all I could think was I bet he doesn’t take coke behind his wife’s back. I look at my friends relationship and none of them have this problem in their life. I am so so confused about what to do and any help would be so appreciated but I know you can’t tell me what to do at the same time xx
I can’t talk to anyone as I am so ashamed to admit it when I said this time it was for real and everyone said it wasn’t x
Well the bubble has burst 8 weeks on. He was twitching in his sleep last night which I have figured is a sign he is using. Anyway I did a secret test this morning and yes positive. I felt so shocked (don’t know why really) and hit rock bottom yet again. I asked him and of course he said no. I was out and about and couldn’t stop thinking about things so sent him a text to swear he hadn’t. Anyway he replied yes he had on Tuesday just 2 lines. He rang and I asked him why. Reply was that he was stressed at work been really tired from doing lots of miles on bike. He was at a pub with friend and someone he knew was there most likely a dealer who gave him a couple of lines. Do I believe this?? Said he wasn’t harming anyone. My reply was you’re harming me. He said It was only once since our last blow up. I am so fed up with this and don’t think I can take it anymore. Just feel like bawling my eyes out and we are supposed to be going away in 3 weeks. All paid for now which I was SO looking forward to. Haven’t been back home to see him yet as needed to give myself some time to think and I still don’t know what to do. Just feel so let down and hurt again x
Just a question – do drug dealers give them credit and if so and they have no way to pay back – what happens. Is there anyway they can pay on credit card? My husband flatly refused to let me see his bank statements but I do know that he has debts on various credit cards presumably as he used/uses his wages to buy coke
I’m the same – I don’t bother to argue anymore either as if I do try to defend myself for something that he says I am doing (which I’m not – I would be the first person to accept it if I was) it doesn’t even register with him. He doesn’t hear my words at all and is stuck with what is in his head and what he thinks is golden. I feel downtrodden and let down constantly. There will come a point that enough is enough I’m sure. Yesterday he said to put the dinner in the oven as he had to do something in the garden and I said it will be ready before you finished. Anyway as it happens I gave it some time and then put it in the oven and when he finally came in he complained it was cold – you can’t win!! Something as pathetic as that is all my fault ….x
Thought I hadn’t posted the one before and so had to write again ….
hi FNF – I don’t think so as have been testing and lines are strong negatives. He has been very belittling and I would say resentful of me though – sometimes what pours out of his mouth without taking a breath is unbelievable – I wish I could record it and play it back to him – I think he would be shocked.xx
Hi Riesena – if you want my absolute honest opinion I would leave as you are only 31 and you have so much life ahead of you to enjoy without the constant looking over your shoulder and expecting everything to come crumbling down. This is what happens and like FNF says you have to set your boundaries and stick to them. I so wish I could leave but it is so hard and you are in the same situation as we love them to bits but I am starting to see reality and sometimes I look at him when he is having a go at me and think you have let me down so so many times and I’ve forgiven you and yet you are still behaving like a complete arse. The lack of trust and hurt never goes away – it is still constantly lurking there in your life. If I was your age I would run and never look back. I really hope you are ok xx
Hi FNF – I don’t think so as have been testing – he just gets very belittling and angry sometimes and just goes off on one – its like these words keep pouring out of his mouth in a tirade and won’t stop – its weird – I don’t think I could do that if I tried. Some of it makes no sense – I wish I had the hindsight to record it and play it back to him – I think he would be quite shocked at his behaviour.
Hi Riesena – if you want my absolute honest opinion and if you want a normal life and I just wish I could do it, I would leave as I think it takes a certain type of person to get addicted to coke as we all seem to be in the same situation with the same sort of person. You’re only 31 and you have such a lot of life to live and enjoy. And it seems also that everyone that has been in our situation has been struck to the core and are always looking over our shoulder expecting everything to come crumbling down once more. I never can think that it will all be over and things will be wonderful. Sorry if this sounds hard and hypocritical coming from me who is still there but there will be someone out there for you who will also make you very happy. I wish I had never got married to be honest but I didn’t know about this addiction before although I had caught him a couple of times and if I had I would never have got married. I am giving him one last chance and I think he knows that. Like FNF says set your boundaries and stick to them. I hope you are ok xx
sorry to hear this FNF – I too am seeing the same sort of behaviour from my husband – not so much the paranoia but self centreness and argumentative and belittling but I’m not sure if he has taken the drugs unfortunately. I’m sort of scared to ask him as he will twist it round to me being annoying etc. I’m kind of hanging on to see if our holiday goes well and will take it from there. Its like he resents me for everything I do even the clothes I have bought him for holiday – it’s not thank you it’s ‘for god sake why spend that much on a jacket when I can get it from Amazon (obviously not the same quality!) – I don’t know why I bother sometimes but love to give things and maybe that’s just not the right thing to do?
Hi Notmyrealname – not sure welcome is the right terminology to use and glad he seems to be going in the right direction. Long may it continue. I have found it really helpful being on here – it’s from people that completely understand what you have been going through not just friends and family who just tell you to leave but don’t understand the web that you are caught up in.
xx
I think that is what is going to happen to my husband but I am praying not but not too optimistic at the moment – I dread the day I find out he has been taking it again. I think he has done about a month without taking it
Thats exactly how it became with coke – I would throw him out and then it was all my fault as I threw him out not him deciding to leave and his family would blame me as they didn’t know the true reason why I threw him out. Mine still drinks but he doesn’t generally get nasty on it although the weekend before last he did get angry and say I can’t control him and what he does etc etc but I think that was probably because he was craving coke.
When he says he doesn’t love you anymore and that you should part – is that the drink talking and when sober he doesn’t want that?? I am learning not to respond to his rants and walk away but occasionally I forget and it turns heated. Then I think why did I retaliate? But I guess it’s just human nature to try to defend yourself.
Thanks FNF – long may it last but I don’t think I have seen the end of this as he says that he will tell me if he does again eg when playing poker late into the night. I think that if this happens it will be the long slippery slope to using again. I have said I will accept that but in reality I don’t. Hoping that it doesn’t happen and I am absolutely going to ban any coke in the house so hopefully his son won’t bring coke and friends round to play poker.
Absolutely gorgeous day and now off to mow the lawn xx