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Ours is our 4th attempt at going on honeymoon as it has been delayed so many times because of covid. Definitely go if you have to on your own – it will be good for you to just relax away from home and sit in the sun and read a book. You never know he might just go if book for a month or so time. A change of location would be great for you both. I can totally relate to your confidence being knocked sideways as mine has too x
Thank you for your reply. He seems to have got a bit nicer since stopping. I have tested him regularly now and it so far is negative – praying it will last. He has now started smoking weed though and I went mad when I found out this weekend but I guess it is better than taking coke. I asked how he got it and said it was from his son’s friend. I said to him that I would have thought he would have stopped for the sake of his middle son who was a weed addict and has now stopped. He said that I can’t control him and he smoked it before he met me. I really wish that he was completely drug free but as I said it is better than coke. He also splashed out and added to our holiday which was a total surprise to me and a good surprise.
xx
what I meant was that my kids hate him but I would never say that to him whereas he said it very easily to me that his middle one hates me because I left France even though I left France because of his behaviour!
Yes that was where he did it apparently the last time on Easter Sunday even though he knew that we had split because of it – I found that really hard to fathom as he had texted me that day that the last 7 days had been the hardest and saddest days of his life and that he was deeply remorseful about letting me down and yet that evening he took it at his mum’s house – she goes to bed at 8pm and his son and his son’s friends and him ended up playing poker and one of them produced some coke and he obviously couldn’t bring himself to say no!
I am on an emotional roller coaster at the moment – he is still very belittling at times to me and I end up protecting myself to him and sometimes don’t say how I am feeling to avoid any confrontation with him.
Time will tell I guess xx
what I meant was that my kids hate him but I would never say that to him whereas he said it very easily to me that his middle one hates me because I left France even though I left France because of his behaviour!
Yes that was where he did it apparently the last time on Easter Sunday even though he knew that we had split because of it – I found that really hard to fathom as he had texted me that day that the last 7 days had been the hardest and saddest days of his life and that he was deeply remorseful about letting me down and yet that evening he took it at his mum’s house – she goes to bed at 8pm and his son and his son’s friends and him ended up playing poker and one of them produced some coke and he obviously couldn’t bring himself to say no!
I am on an emotional roller coaster at the moment – he is still very belittling at times to me and I end up protecting myself to him and sometimes don’t say how I am feeling to avoid any confrontation with him.
Time will tell I guess xx
That’s how I feel, so cynical – he phoned me just now and said he was on the High Street and my immediate thought was that he was meeting his dealer as I won’t see him until Wednesday evening. I really don’t want to have to feel like this but now we have paid a non refundable balance for the honeymoon so feel I have to try to make this work with everything I have and hope that he will too. I am feeling a lot stronger now though and for the first time ever a couple of times over the weekend I found myself looking at him and thinking do I really want this person in my life. It’s his birthday this weekend and I think we are going to stay at his mum’s house and his kids will be there including the one that hates me (this was also said to me over the weekend – I was thinking my kids hate you but I would never say this to you!!) I am dreading that he will stay up late and take coke again with his son. xx
ha ha yes they are…
I was also wondering that if he did a test this weekend gone and it was clear then perhaps I wouldn’t test him for a while so he could get away with it this week etc
Makes you so untrusting doesn’t it but I suppose for a reason for all the lies etc from before.
xx
Hi he suggested doing it on the Saturday after he had been out – the people that he was out with would definitely not do coke. He did appear quite drunk and hungover from the previous night so perhaps fingers crossed he didn’t do it but was just craving it as maybe alcohol is his trigger xx
Yes he asked me to do a test and it was a faint negative but the line was still there so presume he was negative but was angry – not sure why but yes he is still seeming to blame me for stopping him from doing it – I don’t think he wants to actually stop it but maybe was angry as was having a craving for it xx
Just a little update – had a bit of a thing this weekend as he asked me to test him and the test line was quite faint. The strips I got give you a positive reading if there is only one line but negative with a dark line and another line underneath. Wanted me to test again which I did with the same results. As I left the room to go get the tests I could hear him saying ‘you can’t control me and I can do what I want’ – I didn’t react to this and he also said don’t text him with anything to do with cocaine as I had texted him on Friday ‘please don’t take any coke’ as he was out with male friends – he was quite angry about this. I hope as he had asked me to do the test that he hasn’t been taking it but on Saturday night when all this started perhaps he was craving some as was in a very bad mood and fairly drunk too xx
Yes it is our honeymoon which has been delayed 4 times now – going to Africa – so looking forward to it but to be honest I’m not sure we will even get to be together that long and that’s only 8 weeks away. We’ve been back together for a week now and already it has gone wrong xx
Thank you both of you – I feel I’m getting 2 good friends here who are also offering me good advice. My heart tells me to stay but my head tells me to leave. Perhaps I will try to prolong it until we go on holiday at the beginning of July for 3 weeks with no drugs and none of his family with us – just us two and if that doesn’t work then it really will be time to call it quits. If we don’t make it to that date then I think I will go to a retreat …. xx
Hi
Well we had a talk yesterday and basically he said that he uses occasionally and that he hasn’t had any since Easter which was after we split up – he did it with his son and his son’s friends – apparently they provided it. He says he can’t promise he won’t do it again but that he will tell me when he does. He said he is happy for me to test him whenever. I said that why did he test positive for so long during Christmas and he said that it shows different results if you have drank alcohol etc. Had an answer for everything. When he left 3 weeks ago he was so remorseful in his texts and even on Easter Sunday he was so upset that he had hurt me but either that day or the day after he did coke. I just don’t get it. Anyway he managed to turn it round to make me feel guilty and that it was because of me that he had left not him doing coke for the way I had asked his son not to allow the dog to jump up and all the things that I had made him and his children feel unwelcome but that was because I felt they were using me. Once again he made me feel bad that he didn’t feel like this was his home. I don’t know how he managed to twist it all round. Last night we went for something to eat and I don’t know how it came up but he said I had left my laptop open with my bank account details and what money I had in them and he said he took a photo. I was stunned that he did this sneaking behind my back but his justification was that I had left it open for all to see which obviously I didn’t as I didn’t want him to know what money I had. Once again he twisted this round and managed to somehow now say that I think he is a gold digger and he is absolutely fuming. And now I am left wondering if he is going to come back tonight with his sons but I highly doubt it and once again it will be my fault. I am at the point now where I know that I should stop this marriage as it is so toxic even though yesterday we said we would put the past in the past and try and make it work even though he didn’t really give me much information about the coke I forgave him yet again. xx
I think I would rather just get it out of the way but how do I set boundaries if I’m not confrontational and take the softly softly approach with no judgement – sorry to be a wet drip about this but it’s how I feel at the moment. I think your second paragraph says it all. A lot of it is about the lies, deceit, disrespect and nastiness that comes with coke. I do know that I can’t stay married if he carries on taking it both mentally and financially. Why should I subsidise and enable someone to do something that I disagree with – I’ll let you know tomorrow how things went and thank you again for all your support – it helps enormously xx
Hi Ash, Faith and Danman
I’m so sorry that Ash and Faith hit that rock bottom level too but I can also understand how you got there. It’s shocking that coke is so responsible for these awful feelings.
Danman – thank you for your message. The trouble is with my husband is that he won’t admit that he has a problem – I expect when we talk he will tell me its just the odd line of coke for when he is feeling stressed but he tested positive on urine tests for about 3 weeks when I was doing it when he didn’t know until I eventually told him what I had been doing after Christmas was over. He had very odd sleeping hours often staying up late then having to sleep in the afternoon and was always tired. That was when he swore to me that he wouldn’t take it again and so stupidly I believed him and we were getting on great. He started going to the loo downstairs in the morning and I knew then but just swept it under the carpet until 2 weeks ago when I asked to test him and he gave me a sample pot of water and when I said this he then said he couldn’t give me urine as he would test positive. I have caught him out about 6 times and each time he has been remorseful and I have forgiven him. Two weeks ago he left and then basically returned last weekend and we haven’t yet talked. Anyway to cut a long story short I think I am going to bring it up tonight and was wondering if you had any advice about how I should go about it?
Hi Ash, Faith and Danman
I’m so sorry that Ash and Faith hit that rock bottom level too but I can also understand how you got there. It’s shocking that coke is so responsible for these awful feelings.
Danman – thank you for your message. The trouble is with my husband is that he won’t admit that he has a problem – I expect when we talk he will tell me its just the odd line of coke for when he is feeling stressed but he tested positive on urine tests for about 3 weeks when I was doing it when he didn’t know until I eventually told him what I had been doing after Christmas was over. He had very odd sleeping hours often staying up late then having to sleep in the afternoon and was always tired. That was when he swore to me that he wouldn’t take it again and so stupidly I believed him and we were getting on great. He started going to the loo downstairs in the morning and I knew then but just swept it under the carpet until 2 weeks ago when I asked to test him and he gave me a sample pot of water and when I said this he then said he couldn’t give me urine as he would test positive. I have caught him out about 6 times and each time he has been remorseful and I have forgiven him. Two weeks ago he left and then basically returned last weekend and we haven’t yet talked. Anyway to cut a long story short I think I am going to bring it up tonight and was wondering if you had any advice about how I should go about it?