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I know everything you say is true but how do I deal with it if I want to stay with him. I so wish I didn’t but we also do have some really good times together. Its like I am addicted to him. He says he’s not addicted or at least doesn’t have a problem but that almost makes it worse as he said that he promised me he wouldn’t do it as he knew how I felt and that it would be the end of us but he did do it so he put coke first and me second.Maybe he just knows that I will take him back and so doesn’t really care if I find out. He has also said that I will never mean as much to him as his sons do and he will always put them first which I kind of understand. When we had a 2 week separation recently he said it was his darkest and saddest days that he can remember and I asked him last night if he wanted our marriage to work and he said yes or why else would he move his stuff back in. I am now sitting here wondering what I have done wrong and why is he in a bad mood with me – its all so confusing and hurtful. I have never been in such a toxic relationship before. I spend most of my time wondering when we will next split up. How can that be a marriage. I don’t even know if we will make it to our honeymoon (which has been delayed 4 times since covid) and have to pay the balance next week. It’s all such a mess. If someone had told me I would be married to a coke addict who belittles me and casts me aside when his sons are here, lies through his teeth so easily and that I have zero trust in and doesn’t contribute anything to the cost of our living I would never have believed it. I was a very confident person and now am just a wreck xx
I know everything you say is true but how do I deal with it if I want to stay with him. I so wish I didn’t but we also do have some really good times together. Its like I am addicted to him. He says he’s not addicted or at least doesn’t have a problem but that almost makes it worse as he said that he promised me he wouldn’t do it as he knew how I felt and that it would be the end of us but he did do it so he put coke first and me second.Maybe he just knows that I will take him back and so doesn’t really care if I find out. He has also said that I will never mean as much to him as his sons do and he will always put them first which I kind of understand. When we had a 2 week separation recently he said it was his darkest and saddest days that he can remember and I asked him last night if he wanted our marriage to work and he said yes or why else would he move his stuff back in. I am now sitting here wondering what I have done wrong and why is he in a bad mood with me – its all so confusing and hurtful. I have never been in such a toxic relationship before. I spend most of my time wondering when we will next split up. How can that be a marriage. I don’t even know if we will make it to our honeymoon (which has been delayed 4 times since covid) and have to pay the balance next week. It’s all such a mess. If someone had told me I would be married to a coke addict who belittles me and casts me aside when his sons are here, lies through his teeth so easily and that I have zero trust in and doesn’t contribute anything to the cost of our living I would never have believed it. I was a very confident person and now am just a wreck xx
Thank you Ash. That’s what I think is going to happen too. Like the way he has already twisted it round to being my fault for not talking last weekend and that now his boys are down this weekend which as I said I am shocked about as we haven’t resolved the situation. That it is my fault that I want to ruin the weekend with them by asking if we could talk for a couple of hours and that I didn’t talk last weekend as my daughter was here and I wasn’t prepared to ruin that weekend but I am prepared to ruin the weekend with his sons. I have absolutely no intention of causing friction when they are here and was going to approach the conversation in a non-judgemental manner and yes I am almost at the point of enabling him for a quiet life but I just know I don’t want to be married to an addict. I am also worried that the longer I stay married to him the more claim he will have on my finances as he has nothing to give and he did mention the last time that we split that he would be entitled to something from me. I am worried too as he took coke with his older son when he was last here and stayed up until the early hours with him and he coming again this weekend. I so wish he would just tell me the whole truth about his habit and finances and get it all out in the open but I guess he is too embarrassed or as you say has this little devil on his shoulder xx
I know that’s one of the hardest thing to know if I will ever be able to trust him again as he has lied so easily and another thing that I find really hard is that he swore an oath to me that he wouldn’t take it again and yet just carried on. I also feel really used as I pay for everything and he lives in my house and never tells the truth to his mum or boys or anyone about the reason why we have split and no doubt they will all blame me. I’m beginning to wish I had never met him xx
I don’t know how much more I can take of being punished for something I haven’t done. I agree he is in denial but how can I change his mind about this. I feel that if I say what I feel he will get angry with me and leave again. I am still stunned that he can blame me for not talking about it this weekend and not take any blame for not talking about it as it is surely both of us putting our heads in the sand. I really wish I had the strength to walk away. Do you think I should put the ball in his court and say please can you tell me what has been going out honestly to avoid me asking lots of questions but even then I don’t think I will get the truth xx
So tonight my husband informed me that his boys are coming down this weekend and I was totally surprised as we hadn’t yet talked about things. Anyway I mentioned that we hadn’t talked and perhaps we could have a few hours to talk about things at the weekend and then received a text from him to say basically that he couldn’t put his boys through anymore trauma and if there was going to be friction or worse and sorry but he couldn’t risk this occurring as they are part of him. Firstly I was stunned that he had invited them down with everything that has happened and also that he thought it would be me that would be causing the problem. I replied to say that perhaps we should talk on Thursday as he is working from home that day and that there would be no judgement on my part and that I just want to understand and help in any way I can. The reply was that I was being degrading and that he didn’t need any help basically implying that he doesn’t have a problem even though I have forgiven him at least 6 times where he has promised me he wouldn’t touch it again. I think I am in shock and really don’t know how or where to go from here. Any advice?? xx
Hi kire
Faith and Ash have been incredibly helpful to me with their advice. I have just discovered my husband has been taking coke again – I think it is about the 6th time I’ve caught him and he has promised me that he wouldn’t do it again but he has never gone to a meeting so I would advise you and your husband to go – I have been to meetings but he doesn’t know about this yet – you can go to an open meeting if you are not the addict and they have also been really helpful to me. I was supposed to have the ‘big’ conversation last weekend but I chickened out as didn’t want to spoil the weekend with the talk which is crazy I know – hopefully it will happen this weekend. I have just been to hypnotherapy in order to become more confident and assertive and it was very surreal but has put me in a better frame of mind. I told the hypnotherapist everything. I had the absolute same as you in respect of a completely different person in my husband’s body. I so so hope that you both can sort it as I am trying at the moment and that we both become one of the success stories. Keep in touch on here – it really helps x
well he stays at his mum’s tonight and tomorrow for easy commute to work and he was here all weekend and moved some of his stuff back in – do you think it’s something that can be done on the phone xx
Hi Ash
I was totally hopeless and too nervous to bring up the conversation so we just had a nice weekend with no trauma. I know I have to have the conversation but I just wish he had started it. It was on my mind all weekend but didn’t want to spoil the good atmosphere as know he would have got defensive …. xx
Hi Ash
I was totally hopeless and too nervous to bring up the conversation so we just had a nice weekend with no trauma. I know I have to have the conversation but I just wish he had started it. It was on my mind all weekend but didn’t want to spoil the good atmosphere as know he would have got defensive …. xx
I’m so sorry that you are living through these fears both of you. My worry is that perhaps I’ve only known my husband on coke. Perhaps he has been on it the whole time and I have been deceived about who I am married too and that I don’t even know the person who hasn’t been on it. I am paranoid that he won’t tell me the truth and that he will be lying – I think that the lying to me is one of the big things as trust only comes with honesty and I don’t want to go through my life not trusting the person that I am married too as you will always be questioning if he is lying as I think it comes too easily to him. In an ideal world I think I would rather be with someone who has never taken drugs to the extent of possible addiction and who was equal with regards to finances. When I was giving the details to the solicitor yesterday with regards to the post nuptial I was thinking she must think I am such a fool (obviously didn’t tell her about the drugs) as I pay for everything and have basically without knowing been funding his drug habit and I have no idea how much in debt he is. I am feeling stronger since we have reconnected but also stronger in my thoughts about what I want. At the moment it is still him but I absolutely know that if it happens again I won’t be there as he has pushed me so so far – this must be about the 6th time he has promised he won’t do it again and each time he has let me down. He also has been going to loo downstairs for a while so I can’t test his wee and must think I am so stupid not to know that he was using again. But I just buried it under the carpet as I didn’t want another blow up but finally I couldn’t take it any longer and asked him if he had been taking it again and he very very easily lied and said ‘of course not – why would you think that’. Anyway we will see what happens this weekend but as you say I need to be calm and non accusatory. xxx
thank you – I will bear all your advice in mind and sorry that your situation didn’t work x
thank you – all this is great advise and d day is starting on Friday so will keep you all informed as to my next step. I worry that he isn’t going to tell me the truth with all the questions I have but as you both say go in non accusatory and hopefully I will get more out of him. I’m very scared though. On another note I went to see a solicitor about getting a post nuptial done and so that is yet another situation that has come about as a result of his addiction and I need to find out if he will sign it. Hope you are having a fab time in Spain, Faithnotfear and thank you for taking time out to reply xxx
Hi Ash. Thank you so much – that advice is great as wasn’t sure how to tackle the addiction question but if I put it like you said then it makes sense. I’ll let you know how it goes as he is back to talk this weekend. xx
Hi – a little bit of a breakthrough in that we are going to talk. I was just wondering if you have any advice about how to go about this conversation. I have a feeling that he is not going to admit he has an addiction. He says he can’t be continually thrown out of where he is living even though he left and feel that he may play the martyr although I do know that he is very very sorry for letting me down again. I don’t want to accuse him of having an addiction but all my friends that know say that unless he gets help then I mustn’t take him back. I feel that if I take him back he is going to let me down again but I desperately want to take him back – so difficult so any advice in any way would be so helpful as you have been so far x