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Hi
It’s so good and helpful to speak with you both. I really appreciate it and yes I would be offering the same advice if any friends were going through this but like you say they’re not living in it. I haven’t heard from him as such but we are both on Strava and he has sent me heart symbols when I uploaded a cycle ride. So I guess he is thinking of me even though he made it absolutely clear that he couldn’t come back as all he had bought to me was heartache and misery. Also we were supposed to be going on a trip of a lifetime to Africa for 3 weeks at the beginning of July and the balance is due beginning of May so I don’t know whether to hope that we may still go or cancel it. So depressing or maybe suggest we still go. One thing though is you both say that you have the person back that you loved but I really don’t know if he’s been on it since we met so perhaps I don’t even know the real him as we have only been together for 4 years x
Hi
Thank you both so much for your support – it means a lot and is so helpful to be talking to people who have been there not like my family and close friends who all say I should run for the hills and never look back but it’s so hard when you love someone and want to help them but at the moment I haven’t the choice as he left without wanting to talk because he was so ashamed. I think as time goes on I will start to think things more clearly but at the moment all I want is to see him and try to get him to lay all his cards on the table with no more lies. I just don’t trust him though at the moment. And I wonder whether I could get to trusting him again and to believe what he says.
Like you Faithnotfear my life has lurched from one disaster to the next all I want in my life is peace now.
xx
Hi
Thank you both so much for your support – it means a lot and is so helpful to be talking to people who have been there not like my family and close friends who all say I should run for the hills and never look back but it’s so hard when you love someone and want to help them but at the moment I haven’t the choice as he left without wanting to talk because he was so ashamed. I think as time goes on I will start to think things more clearly but at the moment all I want is to see him and try to get him to lay all his cards on the table with no more lies. I just don’t trust him though at the moment. And I wonder whether I could get to trusting him again and to believe what he says.
Like you Faithnotfear my life has lurched from one disaster to the next all I want in my life is peace now.
xx
Hi
That was so insightful and to see it from your husband’s point of view and I feel that my husband is exactly where yours was. I think that the best thing for me to do at the moment is nothing and if he wants to contact me then we have a conversation about him going to meetings etc and that I can’t take him back unless he really wants to stop and mean it as I can’t keep putting myself through this heartbreak as it is killing me. He won’t tell his mum who he is now living with even though he has said he would but I think that was to stop me telling her. He said one time that it would break her heart to have 2 sons in the same situation. I personally think she needs to know to help him and to make him face up to the situation of breaking our marriage as she will think that it has something to do with me why we have split from when I left them in France as his behaviour was so bad that I couldn’t take anymore from him. She was furious with me and hasn’t spoken to me since. Do you think I should eventually tell her xx
I really don’t know how much he is using it but I do know that since I met him 4 years ago I have caught him out about 8 times and each time he promised that he would stop and the last time he swore on his oath but each time he started again and I don’t know if he actually ever stopped. I don’t know if he uses all the time or it is just occasionally. I don’t think he takes it with anyone or hangs around anyone who takes it. He just seems to do it on his own. He wouldn’t talk to me about it. I don’t know if I’ve been married to a lie and I don’t know which one I’m in love with – either him on coke or him not on coke. I just don’t know what to do – I so desperately want to see him but I don’t want a husband who is addicted to coke as we have split 3 times now because of it xx
That’s great – did he not even go to online meetings? like CA. Did he find it hard? and how did you help him. Was he a heavy user? Sorry about all the questions x
Just wondering how your husband stopped his addiction. Did he actually go into rehab or did he just go to meetings. I still have had no contact with my husband but if we ever did talk I wouldn’t contemplate returning to our marriage unless he was off drugs. Every time before he has said he would stop but didn’t actually go anywhere to sort himself out. He just did it himself and obviously this hasn’t worked. I didn’t realise that he was actually as addicted as he is and just thought he was an occasional user but I was so wrong x
Thank you and also FaithNotFear for your replies. He has rung me and I don’t know what to do as I didn’t answer – any ideas. I’m not sure whether it will be about his stuff he still has here, his dog or us. I’m scared to ring him back x
Thank you and at the moment I really feel I literally am going through hell. One of the things I find most difficult to understand is that he cared more about cocaine than me as he knew that it would be the end for us if I found out again. I guess that is addiction although as you say he wouldn’t admit that. He comes from a good family and yet his older brother is also a cocaine addict and alcoholic and lives at home with his mum where my husband will be also. His brother has been 4 years of it but cost him his marriage also. I asked him to do a urine test and he thought he would get away with putting water in the pot and also had been taking to going for a wee downstairs which he never did before as he knew that the previous time that I had been testing his wee in the morning. I was suspicious about this but tried to think no he wouldn’t do it again but how wrong was I. I pray that I will be able to get through this nightmare and come out the other side with relief but I think it will take a long time as generally we got on so well and I believed he was my soulmate. Thank you again – it really helps to see someone else’s aspect on things x
Well the husband that I thought had stopped taking cocaine is no longer my husband. I really stupidly and naively thought he had stopped for good this time but I just discovered yesterday that it wasn’t the case and he has left basically because I said that if I found out again our marriage was over. We had been getting on SO well recently that I really believed in him. I am devastated but know I can’t carry on my life feeling so down when ever I find out and each time I have believed that he would stop.
Same to you but I’m sure like me you sometimes think it’s too good to be true and things will relapse but I have to think positive or it can eat you up xx
Thank you so much – I’m sure we are not completely out of the woods yet but fingers crossed – he is being so kind to me now – I think he finally realised that he would lose me if all this carried on xx
You will get this at CA and they can become a sponsor to your husband too so if he feels he wants to take it again he can phone them – they are so supportive x
I would suggest that he goes onto CA – cocaine anonymous and you can join a group chat where he would be able to understand and talk to people who have stopped taking cocaine – it is done online and he can just listen or participate. You can also go online when it is an open forum and talk to recovered addicts – they are really welcoming and I found it very helpful to see it from their point of view. Your husband can go to as many zoom groups as he likes – I think they recommend 6 in total even if he joins different groups from all over the country and then finds the one he likes most and joins them weekly eventually. My husband was taking cocaine behind my back and for goodness knows how long. I bought some cocaine testing strips from amazon and secretly tested his urine that he left in loo to stop waking me in the mornings and it was positive for a long time until I told him that I knew – I really hope you sort it and find peace. I THINK my husband has stopped as he swore on oath that he wouldn’t take it again once I confronted him. I have secretly tested him still and it is negative but I never trust that he won’t take it again. I hope this helps x
Hi James – thank you so much for sharing your message. It was really insightfull. My husband who I love dearly sounds exactly like you were. Sometimes I hear what he is saying to me and how he is acting and think if I was watching a film I would be shocked at how that man was behaving to his wife. Were you also like this when you were coming off cocaine as he is almost worse or at his worse. It’s like he is so resentful to me for finding out again and him having to stop. It is so so good that you have managed to come off it. I will be there to support my husband. I don’t know the whole truth but I think he has been on it most of the time that we have been together on and off. He is also so in debt but again I don’t know how much. I’m praying for a good ending to all this x